The Male Biological Clock

So tonight I watched Garden State. Great movie and very well acted. I know it's set up to manipulate your emotions and throw in some clever pseudo-philosophical meanderings to motivate our thought processes out of the sludge of Starbucks and reality TV mired in our brains. It was strange for me because even though the characters are only in their mid 20's, I related in some sense to the main character; well hell, we all do. We all have to make some sort of peace with our parents on some issues that divide us. We all have to admit that you can truly never go home again. We all have the same basic longings for someone to truly understand and truly love us. We all feel like somehow we're different; standing alone at the shallow end of the pool. And I will reveal unto some of those who take the time to read my incessant ramblings a little secret of the male species: Even men have a biological clock of sorts.

I can already here NML and maybe even Trixie moaning "There's no fucking way". Aaaah, but the male is similar to the female in that he feels the same longing for love and companionship. I know this because 6 or 7 years ago, I would have laughed if someone would've told me I'd feel this way. I had my epipheny during this past Christmas while at my sister's place. She just had a baby back in May, my newest nephew Dominick. When I first got to my sister's place, I envisioned a holiday full of diaper changes, a screaming baby, and virtually no rest. Instead, I found myself holding this kid at every opportunity; babysitting him while she ran to the supermarket; holding him for hours on end; and just generally being fascinated with him. Maybe it was because I didn't have to work coupled with caring for a child that made it easier for me. Who knows? All I know is that when I finally had to leave, I was torn up. I'm always a bit torn up saying goodbye to my family, but this time, my nephew had gotten to me. In a way, he made me realize that living a life only for myself is well ... pretty empty. I might actually want a kid myself!!!! I never thought I would admit it, but I've kept it repressed 'til now. Maybe its just that thing that men are supposed to feel like they want to have someone to pass on their accumulated knowledge of useless things such as my ability to change the oil in my Jeep, how to build the perfect campfire, and even how to make the world's greatest chili. And, it's an excuse to keep playing PS2 for a few more years .... heh-heh.

So seeing Garden State made me realize that I do long for more. More than ML could've given me (even though she was riding my ass to find a job near her so I could move down); more than anyone in the past could've given me. I want that thrill of meeting someone new. I want the thrill of discovering someone. I want that little thrill you get when your hands meet for the first time and your fingers intertwine. I want that slight bit of embarrassment you get when you get caught staring across the table at that person because you can't believe how lucky you are that this person wants something to do with YOU. Not to mention that first kiss or the first time you two are alone and you're in no hurry to go anywhere. I just wanna find my Natalie Portman to stand with me in the rain on some abandoned piece of construction equipment and yell out into the abyss. Fuck, I'm getting old and trite. I hope I don't turn into one of those old men who keep telling young couples things like "Hang on to one another so you don't end up like me." I don't want to be the old guy at the club who, as Chris Rock says, "He's not really old, just too old to be at the club".

I think the difference for men and women is again the problem of maturity gaps. I'm nearly 35, still trying desperately to feel young. I've spent a lifetime running away from things that might tie me down (a bit of that wanderlust in me). However, now I'm at the maturity stage that women feel at like 28. I'm only one person so I don't want to attempt to speak for all men, but I'd say men certainly do mature later than women. Some men will mature more quickly than others; some women will not mature until close to my age. Some cynics will say it is a fear being alone that drive us to this point. Maybe. I like to think it's more than that and we're all somehow the same in some way underneath all the layers of consciousness we've chosen to wrap ourselves in.

Forgive me for such a lame post. I'll be back to my old self soon enough!!