Wednesday, June 29, 2005

The Dozens

Did anyone ever remember the show, Snaps on HBO? This was one of my favorite TV shows ever. The whole premise is playing the dozens or essentially a war of comebacks for yo' momma jokes; the two players go back and forth 'til one gets the better of the other. I still love snaps like the following ....

Yo' momma is so dumb the bitch got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away W's.

Yo' momma is so fat that the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks.

Yo' momma is so fat that she beeps when she walks backwards.

Yo' momma is so stupid that someone told her it was chilly outside, so she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo' momma is so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot out. (one of my all time faves!)

Just because you suck dick in a phone booth doesn't mean you're a call girl.

Yo' momma is so stupid she thought Fleetwood Mac was the new burger at McDonalds.

Yo' momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

Yo' momma is so ugly when she was born, the hospital had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

I know these are horrible and I respect mothers immensely ... but damn, I think there are hilarious. So what are you fave yo' momma jokes?

Monday, June 27, 2005

To Go Along With Modigli's Ponderings About Love...

After my ex-fiance and I went our separate ways, I was sent back to MacDill AFB in Tampa (It was either there of Ft. Bragg, N.C. ... let's see Tampa, FL or Fayetteville, NC? Easy choice). I was pretty broken up for quite a while. I felt alone, abandoned, betrayed, etc.. You name a negative emotion, I felt it. Now Tampa had this great old indendent movie theater that I absolutely loved. I would catch all of my off the wall indie flicks there and caught a movie that got me interested in whom I consider to be one of the greatest poets of all time, Pablo Neruda.

The movie, of course, was
Il Postino. I have owned the movie since it was first available on DVD and I will always own a copy. This is one of my top 5 of all time. Anyhow, I began to read Neruda's poetry and one night I came across this great poem that completely describes the feelings of heartbreak better than any other I have read. It's a bit overused by fans of Neruda, but I do love it ....

Pablo Neruda - Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her

So if you're feeling a bit down, hopefully reading this will be a sort of catharsis to help you get out your emotions and start to heal a bit more. Watch the movie if you haven't seen it and you'll thank me for it.

My Hoopty

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I drive a hoopty. A jalopy. An older vehicle. The only problem is that I absolutely love it. I have a 1993 Jeep Cherokee Sport 4WD. God, I love this thing. It's beat up, the paint is fading, the drivers side door has a huge dent in it (and I mean huge), but she still runs like a champ. In the winter when everyone else is slipping and sliding, I'm plowing through snow like it's my job.

My hoopty doesn't look this bad ....

... Nor This Bad (But he gets points for creativity)
Part of the adult process as I see it is that there comes a time to get rid of the old car and start driving something newer. Something reliable. Something practical. For instance, my mom wanted to grab a smaller SUV but when she started to consider things like insurance, reliability, the height of the vehicle (mom is only 5'), she went with a practical ... well, a mom car, a Ford Taurus.

Part of the problem with driving a hoopty is that repairs get to the point where you'll pay more to fix it than you'll ever get out of it. With my Jeep, this is the case. It started off with a broken tail pipe. Because the tail pipe fell off (literally in my parking lot), I had to replace the muffler as well. I drive an older vehicle so guess what? I have a harder time getting parts. So what should've been a job for less than $100 with any newer car cost me over $200. Plus, when I took it in for emissions testing, it failed miserably. So, I take it back to my mechanic and he informs me that in Ohio, if you fail emissions and try to correct the problem up to $300, you get a waiver good for 2 years. So the mechanic tells me to bring it back in and he'll try a couple of things that will get us to the $300 total mark (about another $90).

The mechanic lets one the other guy in the shop work on it, but he doesn't ask me any questions about what we're doing. The other guy only mentions that he is going to get a converter, which I thought was associated with the smaller fix that I spoke with the mechanic about. Turns out the converter was the catalytic converter ... a whopping $179 for the part without labor. I tell the guy that I thought we were going to try some other things before we went that far. The other guy is like "Oh shit". After about 5 minutes of creative billing, he bills for another $110 and I get the converter.

While that was nice, it only serves notice that my Jeep is old and I should get another vehicle. However, with the prospect of grad school, I can't afford a car payment. Any money I put into the Jeep I will never see in a trade in. I hate tough decisions. Growing up sucks!

Friday, June 24, 2005

Famous Face + Bad Music = European Star

Apparently the Germans aren't the only ones with bad taste in music. Yes, even our lovable French cousins have taken on their own version of Hasselhoff. Except they've decided to make a star of someone much more sinister ... someone much more washed up. Yes, think back to the late 80's / early 90's and think of martial arts movies with a really bad N.Y.C. accent. Yes, the French apparently are crazy about the music of Steven Segal.

According to some sources I've read, Seagal's album is number one in France. Say it ain't so!! Remember Seagal in his early movies was like this svelte, pony-tailed, wise-cracking, ass kicking machine playing characters with names like Nico Toscani or Gino Felino? Then he got fat and looked more like your sloppy, tank-top wearing uncle at the family reunion after a six pack of Schlitz.

However, he's not the first and certainly won't be the last to grace an album cover. Some noteworthy attempts are .....

My album is funny how? Am I a fucking clown to amuse you?

Yeah, I know. Pesci is an easy target and we already know what he'll sound like singing on this fabulous album. But let's face it: we all love Pesci. From Goodfellas to Home Alone, Joe is the best. So I'll forgive his transgression.

This, however, is not forgiveable. Travolta has developed into a phenomenal actor in recent years. He was superb in A Love Song For Bobby Long. BUT his attempt at rock stardom is sad at best. Look at this pic! This looks like something lifted from Tiger Beat! (I'm curious as to who remembers that mag)

This is what happens to someone who never makes the jump from the small screen to the big screen. I'll bet almost no one recognizes this cat: Greg Evigan. Remember BJ & The Bear? How about My Two Dads? Look at him now with that early 90's wanna be sexy glare a la Rick Springfield.

Another actor I dig is Billy Bob Thornton. In Sling Blade he was brilliant and for the most part, he's never let me down. He'll be in the Bad News Bears this summer so I'll be seeing that. But look at how creepy he looks here ... almost stalkerlike with his b/w saddle shoes and black stalker cap. Apparently this was supposed to be a country album .......

I guess he had time to leave the Ponderosa to make an album. I think Little Joe plays the skin flute on this one.

Now this guy was fucking cool. Robert Mitchum was a pot-smoking party guy back in the day. He was a carouser and a damn fine actor. Plus he's boozing up on the album cover with a bottle of rum. So why in the hell did he do a calypso themed album? Maybe it was to impress the chick in the background. Plus the album name is like so crazy ....

This one I can't even begin to describe. Apparently, the calypso craze got a hold of everyone in the 60's. The mother of spoken word, the poet laureate of the U.S. at one time gave in to the evils of the music industry ... sigh, nothing is sacred.

Speaking of spoken word, we all know that neither of these two cats can sing. Check out Shatner trying to garner some rock star credibility with the acoustic guitar. He looks like he might even know a couple of chords as well while Nimoy sits there like some giggly school girl in that creepy sweater and high water pants.

So, do you know any other celeb monstrosities on vinyl?

This Devil's Life

I stole this idea from Alan who ran a similar post some time ago. He has a really great post, I'm telling ya ... definitely check it out. So here is how the idea goes. If your life were a movie, what characters would appear as the people in your life. In this episode, I've decided to include my immediate family and the ex-g/fs. So, let me start by introducing....


Hank Hill as
The Devil's Old Man

My old man is like the Hispanic version of Hank Hill. He dresses pretty much the same (jeans all the time and a white undershirt along with the glasses). He's an expert mechanic and about as emotionally stunted as Hank as well. My dad would give me the same line like "Cincy, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you."

Sonia Braga from American Family as
The Devil's Momma

This is probably one of those obscure PBS shows that I think myself and my sister were ever the only ones to watch. Anyways, on the series American Family, the mother dies in the first episode but as the series progresses, it's obvious just how influential she was on her family. She was a bit meek at times, but still a strong woman overall. Plus she can still kick my ass. During leave in the Army, my mom asked me to wear my uniform to church so she can have a bit of a brag, so I did. Well my younger brother and I were playing rock, paper, scissors with the loser having to expose his wrist to a smack (trust me, after about the 10th smack, it smarts). Mom had just about enough .... she stood up, then stood me up by grabbing my ear and moved me to the other side and sat down between my brother and I. That about sums up Mom pretty well.

Luanne as
The Devil's Younger Sister

I'm the oldest, but my sister is the older of the two. This sister has a heart of gold. She is the mother of 2 of my nephews. Like Luanne, she can make some pretty bad choices in men. But she is a loyal friend and a great confidant. She never judges; always listens with an open heart and always has everyone else's best interests at heart.

Darlene Connor (Sara Gilbert) from Rosanne as
The Devil's Youngest Sister

My sister actually looks alot like Sara Gilbert. She is a big softie who cries at TV commercials and has 2 dogs because she can't stand the thought of one dog being alone while she's at work. However, she can give attitude like no other. She has perfected the Latina art of sucking her teeth while giving attitude. She is the queen of "Oh Hell no!"

Steve O as
Cincy's Brother

Much like Steve O, my brother can always be counted on for a good laugh. He's got a temper from time to time and can get just as crazy. Again like Steve O, there are times when we all wish he'd grow up and quit shooting fireworks out of his cornhole.

The Ex-Girlfriends

Marge Simpson as
The First Girlfriend

My 1st g/f is a great gal. We've known each other since our days in Catholic kindergarden. Despite the years and the fact that she has married basically the stoner equivalent of Homer, we've remained friends. So officially I've known her nearly 30 years. Plus, she was the first, if you know what I mean ... heh-heh. We won't tell Homer.

Janet Livermore (Bridget Fonda) from Singles as
The Ex Fiance

My first real love. We got engaged way too young and we solved all of our problems with hot sex. Not a bad way to make up, but it didn't solve any problems. Much like Janet, the Ex Fiance, she felt it was time to do something crazy because she was already in her 20's. She never got the chance to take blow off classes during college and wanted to do all of that. While I was sent off to Korea for a year, she broke off our engagement to "do something crazy" while she was still young. Of course, she ended up moving in with her new b/f a few months after she broke off our engagement. I don't fault her though; she knew we were headed to a bad place and had the courage to break it off where I didn't.

Hedy Carlson (Jennifer Jason Leigh) from Single White Female as
The Quiet Crazy Ex

Aaahhh yes, my first real g/f right out of the Army. I had just moved back to New Mexico and was living just south of Albuquerque. Anyways, we ran into each other, hung out a couple of times and started dating. We dated for about a year before the crazy in her came out. She was attentive, thoughtful, and tender hearted. She would always stop off at Sonic to bring me a Route 44 Cherry Limeade (my fave) whenever she came to see me. But piss her off a little bit and the above picture describes her. I tried to be her friend later only to find out that she would drive through the parking lot of the liquor store I worked at in college to see if my car was there ... (shudder)

Caroly Burnham (Annette Bening) from American Beauty as
The Golfer Ex

Literally, she was a collegiate golfer. The golf team at the University of New Mexico was pretty good nationally (not as highly ranked as Arizona State, but still good). When we first met, she was the type of girl who would flash crowds at spring break, surprise me by walking naked into the room where I'd be studying, or fool around in the archive section of the library. But as we spent more time together, she turned more and more into her mom: a Scottsdale sort of wife who tanned way too much, cared way too much about keeping up with the Jones, all the while her libido dried up. Who knows; maybe she'll lighten up enough someday and start flashing crowds again ... but I doubt it.

Jo' Polniaczek (Nancy McKeon) from The Facts of Life as
The East Coast Princess (ECP)

East Coast Princess or ECP was the nickname for this girl. We worked together and got to be friends when we started to "date" (code for spending all of our time together and having sex). She grew up in Westchester, NY but always insisted that she grew up in the "working class" section of town. She was getting her PhD in material science from a very prestigious grad program and had her B.S. (with honors) from UVA. She definitely had that NY mentality of being tough, been there, seen that, done that; but was really a big softie inside though she'd never let anyone see it. One of the reasons she always insisted it would never work out between us is that she was going to move back east and I wanted to remain out west. Now she is working at this world famous government lab in New Mexico and I'm here closer to the east coast than she is. Ain't life funny?

Sam (Natalie Portman) from Garden State as
Artsy Crazy Ex

Artsy Crazy Ex was just that ...artsy and crazy. She went to an all women's private school where she was on the fencing team, wrote poetry, and wandered a bit after graduation. She had great taste in music, loved Neruda (thanks to yours truly), hated Picasso but loved O'Keefe. A very deep soul whom I still, for some strange, unexplained reason, still feel a great bit for. But ... she was crazy as a loon when it came to love. She had dated a guy for 7 years who dumped her our 2nd semester in law school during X-Mas break. She still called him like every night and insisting it was just a phase and that they'd be back together soon. She would go visit his family while home on break; and would ask all of their common friends about him. After graduation, she got the hint and figured out he had moved on and was essentially fucking other girls (but didn't want her to date anyone else of course). She's working for a state government now and from what I understand is still pretty much the same.

Anna Nicole Smith (playing herself) as
Fake Breasts Crazy Ex

Yep, I can always say I dated 'em. I dated a girl who had fake 'uns. Again, like ECP, we were friends who hung out and had sex (the law school version of dating). She actually was a nice person but very spoiled. Men had given into her her whole life. She got the fake breasts after a divorce, tried to reconcile then broke it off again with one reason being her ex-husband refused to massage her fake breasts for hours on end to make sure she still had sensation in them. She has a big heart and wanted nothing more than to be married and have kids. She would always say things to me like "Why don't you just move in with me?" or "Why don't we just get married and have beautiful babies together? Do you know how beautiful our kids would be?" She did get married, but I think it was more a matter of guilt. She actually told her current husband prior to their moving in together that if he didn't get a place with her, she'd have to resort to stripping to make ends meet. Like Anna, she was a wet, wild ride (alot, alot, alot, alot of fun); but when you step away for a bit, you realize that Mr. Toad's Wild Ride will get old after a while.

Lilith Crane (Bebe Neuwirth) from Cheers as
Quiet Book Girl

This is the infamous girl who blew ass in my bed. She totally rationalized it because, as she put it, she was feeling great, didn't want to get up, and ultimately didn't want to be uncomfortable. Much like Lilith, she was a quiet person at school; almost anti-social. But she did have a wild side which we won't go into here. She could have the dryest personality outside of the bedroom or in public. Behind closed doors, she opened up a bit. Certainly not the touchy-feely type of gal.

Shannon Doherty (playing herself) as
ML, The Unbalanced Hottie

Hot, hot, hot. The type of girl who is a very sexual being and a great mother to her son. However, that being said, she has enough baggage to slow down a Super Chief. Nothing in this world I would ever do would get rid of that stuff ... nothing. Just like Shannon, ML was the type of chick who would talk shit to anyone and everyone all the while insisting she was a big softie. I knew she was, but she almost never let me see that side of her. I definitely got an eyeful of the vindictive, belittle you every change she gets, slash your tires ML. It's funny how we will put up with someone who is attractive when they do crazy shit more so than we would with an average looking person.

As usual, any comments are welcome. Now you'll have an idea of whom I'm talking about when I refer to my family or my exes. I didn't include RO (The One That Got Away) since I already described her.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Modigli's Meme

The always lovely Modigli tagged me ... OUCH!!

The ChildHood Meme: What 5 Things Do You Miss About Your Childhood?

But first the somewhat complicated rules to this meme:

Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place. Add your blog's name in the #5 spot. Link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

1. This is Ali
2. It's the End Of The World As We Know It
3. More Than My Luggage
4. Modigli
5. Cincysundevil

Next: select new friends to add to the pollen count. Of course, no one is obligated to participate, but what's the fun if you don't play along? On that note, feel free to tag yourself if I didn't list you here, but you'd like to do it.

1. Trixie
2. JHD
3. PirateBride
4. Lindsay
5. Andi

Let me start rubbing my chinny chin chin and start to reminisce ...

1. My sense of fascination with the world. I remember being completely fascinated with little creekbeds and small wooded areas. It was like my own small sanctuary away from the dog eat dog world of parents and little sisters. I could collect rocks for hours on end; turning over huge ones to see the bugs that lived underneath. Staring at the sky and night and wondering what in the world was out there (I still do that to this day and after Astronomy 101, I wonder even more). I could spend days looking for non-existent arrowheads at the family ranches.

2. My mom's cooking. Is there any greater feeling that coming in from playing outside in the cold and mom has a great dinner cooked? My mom is an amazing cook. She has a gift with food that I wish I did. I hope that someday I might cook half as well as she does; if I do, I'll be doing well.

3. My imagination. As a kid, you could create you own little world with the toys you were playing with. Every summer I'd spend with my cousins in Texas and we'd play with our Matchbox cars. We'd build elaborate roads by cupping our hands to smooth out the dirt, make homes out of small boxes, and so on. We'd play hide & seek in the middle of the night. We thought we were so cool because we had like 5 or 6 albums that my older cousins let us borrow and we'd play them ad nauseam.

4. Toys, toys, ... oh yeah, and toys. I guess it's true that boys never grow up; it's only the price of their toys that goes up. I have to be honest, I love X-Mas because every year we go overboard with toys for my nephews. We buy them the coolest and latest toys. Inevitably, my brother-in-law, my brother, and myself end up playing with them. And heaven forbid we break out the PS2.

5. Time off from the real world. Every once in a great while in that shit hole town I grew up in, we'd have a snow day in the winter. The area gets the tail end of Noreasters ( I think that's how it's spelled), those really shitty ice cold blasts that swoop down from like Nebraska and Kansas. We'd get a foot of snow and school would be cancelled. Apart from that, summers were freaking awesome. We'd play all day on bikes and just find stupid shit to get into in general.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Spank Your Kids Or I Will

I know I've been on a rant about kids lately ... but just one last one .....

Shopping for one sucks. I head over to my local grocery store (actually one about 10 minutes away; the one nearest to me is a little limited in its selection) and realized just how single I am. I go through the store and I have my little routine like anyone else ... first grab bread, then lunch meat, then frozen foods, chips, cereal, meat/chicken, the International Food aisle, etc.. So as I go through the lanes, it's funny how couples and families permeate the grocery store. I made the mistake of hitting the grocery store before 9 P.M.; that hallowed hour when families are home and tucked into bed.

So naturally, every lane is packed to the gills with mini-van mom and her brood. They clog up the checkout lanes. Kids are wriggling in and out of the lane like some sort of rickets infected plague of locusts. Dad is probably one of those assholes who park directly in front of the store with the car running instead of parking in a spot like the rest of civilized society. Hungry-Hungry Hippo housewife just talks to her kids telling them to behave. She is telling them things like "Get over here now young man" or "Tell me why you feel the need to act up in public".

Screw that!! What happened to the good ole' days when a mother would spank a disruptive child? Or as my younger brother and I say, "beat" that child. No, I don't advocate punching or abusing children. But damn, I was a shithead growing up. I needed to get my ass spanked now and then. And you know what? It worked. Nothing like the threat of my old man (who looks like a Hispanic version of Hank Hill) to get my ass to walk the straight and narrow.

See, my mom never hit us in public. I think maybe its the whole Mexican thing where you feel like security is going to follow you in the store, so you'd better not fuck up. But while she never hit us, my mom definitely had an impact. She would pinch the skin on the back of your arm (your tricep) and pull you in close. She'd give her threat between clenched teeth, tell us to behave or we'd get it worse when we got home. Or heaven forbid if I acted up in a department store. Dressing rooms should just be called Mexican solitary confinement because mom knew there were no store cameras in there. She wasn't shoplifting, but she would take you in there, whack your ass a couple of times, tell you to go sit down, and keep your mouth shut.

(Sigh) I guess I'm getting all nostalgic. Trust me, if I ever have kids, it will be "Yes Sir" and "No Ma'am". No running up and down the aisles. No acting up in public. And that, my friends, is a promise.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Shut Your Damn Kids Up

I decided to take advantage of a lazy Sunday and head over to Barnes & Noble to do some reading/writing. I grab a nice iced almond latte to offset the Ohio humidity and settle in to do some hardcore case reading and reviewing for my writing sample needed for my grad school packets. I located a nice comfy reading chair; plenty of lighting; table nearby to put down my drink ... all seems well. I grab my hi-liters and start reading. It's gonna be a productive couple of hours ... or so it seemed.

Before I know it, a couple walks in with their kid who immediately starts crying. And not just crying ... this kid is screaming bloody murder. You'd think someone was guttin' this kid across from the self help section. Of course, yuppie mom and dad just tool along like nothing is wrong. They just push the festering ball of noise along in his Eddie Bauer stroller acting as if nothing is happening. Even worse, dad decides to distance himself a bit by walking a bit ahead of his wife and demon. Get a hint people; if your kid is acting in a bookstore where people read and usually need quiet, get the fuck out of there!!! Don't take the miniature fire truck siren to the movie theater to ensure that he ruins not only your fun, but mine as well!!!

All I wanted today was some peace and quiet so that I could read and revise my paper. All I can say is that if I ever have kids of my own and I start to act like those yuppie parents with a kid screaming like a banshee, please come up behind me with a brick and smack me.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

I Wouldn't Fuck With Vinnie

Although it's probably old news by now, Vinnie Jones is going to play the Juggernaut in the new X-Men 3 movie. I usually cringe when I hear about the casting in comic movie adaptations, but this time they got it right. Hopefully he's not wearing those 70's brown and reddish outfits a la the old Burger King (which we've already discussed). There is no one that I can't think of that will be more appropriate to play this character. He's a downright ball breaker ... literally.

What the ladies would like to do to the unwelcome
grinding guy at night clubs

Friday, June 17, 2005

Not A Day Too Soon

It's Friday and not a day too soon. This has been a long week .... and I do mean long. I've spent far too much time working on projects on my own time. I need a weekend in the worst way. We probably all have those weeks where absolutely nothing goes right; if anything can go wrong, it does. You feel completely defeated walking up the sidewalk to the office. You feel the life sucked out of you as go through the doors knowing that it is going to be the same shit nonstop for 8 hours.

I've slowly reached the point to where I can't stand the voices of those around me in the hell center .. oh I mean customer support center where we take calls all day (it's not a call center according to some higher ups). One person in particular, for whatever reason, has just been grating my nerves. This person is way too content with our job. I guess for some people, taking a bite of a shit sandwich everyday, keeping a smile on your face, and going back for more hour after hour is fine. I can't deal with it anymore. This person seems to think we have the greatest job in the world because we can "leave it at work and don't have to take it home with us". I think this person is full of it myself. Sure, you're done after 8 hours, but when you have a lousy day or the job gets to you, you take it home with you whether you acknowledge it or not. This person would be content to stay at the position for another 20 years.

I moan incessantly about my job and if you keep reading this, I thank you. The problem is that naturally we get into a comfort zone that is hard to leave. I can't imagine leaving a job with nothing else lined up (getting laid off is a different matter altogether and I know if they can pull it off without pissing off customers, my company couldn't ship jobs overseas fast enough to India or some country where the representative with a heavy accent gets on the line and claims his name is "Joe" or "Mike"). I worry way too much about not having money coming in to just up and quit. But then again, getting out of my comfort zone is what I need more than anything in this world. The sad thing to me is that someone like this person who is so chipper might be perfectly content kissing ass everyday despite the fact that the person you're talking to is a complete waste of breath and a degree. You talk to someone who is either too lazy, too cheap, or is just plain too stupid to have an advanced degree.

However, a company like mine is always looking for ways to cut costs. Cutting costs more often that not these days means "outsourcing" as corporate America calls it; to be more accurate, they mean shipping jobs to 3rd world countries where they pay $4.00 p/hour instead of the salary commensurate with someone with an advanced degree. Soon enough, America will just be a consumer nation where we truly make nothing. We just consume but I don't know how we'll do it with no jobs left in this country save service industry work. I guess if you're happy doing what you do, do it. Me personally, I can't take a bite of that shit sandwich, smile, and keep coming back for more day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

If You Get Caught .. At Least Act Dumb

Yournamehere inspired this with his camp story. In Basic Training back at Ft. Leonardwood, MO., my platoon was comprised of 4 drill sergeants. The meanest of them all was Sgt. Grabowski, an African-American female drill who chewed up metal spikes and spit out nails. She was fucking tough! And to top it off, she had a thing for Hispanics .... and not in the good way. She would walk into the barracks and without looking would yell something like "Cincy, Martinez, Pacheco, Rodriguez, Sanchez ... start knockin' 'em out" (i.e. stop what you're doing no matter where you are and start doing push ups). I found myself in the front leaning rest position everyday because of my last name. Rumor had it she had been married to a Puerto Rican infantryman who screwed around on her, so she was exacting her revenge in some small way.

Another point was that Grabowski was cut. I mean, like Halle Berry cut. Amazing figure and hard as rock. She could do flutter kicks for almost an hour straight, roll over and start knocking out sit ups like it was her job. Again, she was a tough chica and mean as all hell.

During our FTX (Field Training Exercise), we were living out of tents in the cold Missouri spring mornings. Naturally, we did our P.T. (Physical training) every morning so that our fat bodies didn't get soft. We're all in our P.T. gear and Grabowski shows up in her BDU pants and just a brown t-shirt that cold morning. Naturally, her high beams are on for one and all to see.

So we're in PT formation when one of my buddies direcly behind me starts whispering. Nastouski was from Pennsylvania; short, tough, even tempered, and as stout as a tank. One of the funniest guys I ever met in my life with an accent that reminded me of Boris from Rocky and Bullwinkle. Now Nastouski was never the king of subtlety .. quite the opposite; he was the crass master of the obvious. So he thinks he is whispering:

Nastouski: Hey Cincy, did you see Grabowski's tits? She's poking out like fucking crazy.
Grabowski: (snaps her head towards me and Angelo) Nastouski! What did you say?
No answer.
Grabowski starts again...

Grabowski: Nastouski. I'm talking to you. What the fuck did you just say?
Nastouski: (In his most innocent and surprised voice) Drill sergeant .... is that you?
Grabowski: Start knocking 'em the fuck out!

I nearly pissed my shorts laughing so hard on the inside. Nastouski started doing pushups for the next ten minutes and when he couldn't knock 'em out anymore, he rolled over to do flutter kicks. When he couldn't do those anymore, he went back to push ups and so on. The whole time Grabowski was laughing inside because she couldn't keep a straight face; neither could Nastouski, and neither could I.

Start knockin' em out, hero! Hoo-ah!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Latino Rednecks

Of course, we've all come across this site by now, but damnit, I still laugh everytime I see it.
This is another great site here for some good laughs at work.

"NASCAR fans take it a bit too far" or Why I hate NASCAR"

The 2nd site contains such life changing quotes as "
Looks like she ran a 40 yard dash in a 30 yard gym. (an ugly girl)" or a bit of redneck wisdom I once heard from my best friend back in Jr. High who grew up in rural Tennessee, "Shes as ugly as a mud fence."

Tin Roof ... rusted (Remember that song, do ya? Name it!)

The funny thing about this picture is that if I were in New Mexico, I know I'd see someone doing the same thing to their car. My brother and I would be dying laughing at the guy. See, New Mexico is a rural state similar to West Virginia, Kentucky, or any other redneck haven. The main difference is that our rednecks might have last names like Martinez or Garcia whose families have lived in the same little town for like 200 years (sorta like the Hatfields and McCoys. Blood feuds in The Land of Enchantment? Yep, we got 'em too).

Redneck Car Alarm

There are some small towns in New Mexico my old man has talked about where he won't stop if he doesn't have to. He says that the families are clannish and do things to make outsiders moving into the area feel so unwelcome, they just end up moving. So redneck or even hillbillies aren't an Appalachian or southern thing only. Nope, we've got 'em in all varieties and colors. Even our lovely friends from the UK have their version, except they call 'em chavs or pikeys (just ask NML, Mark, Bridget, Earthgirl, or Alan). We've all got those "poor relations" we don't talk about too often.

Monday, June 13, 2005

I Never ....

In addition to the many festivities that went on Saturday, we whipped out the classic drinking game "I Never". You can always count on this game for a few good laughs and getting to know your friends. The rules are simple: One person will start off with a statement, for example, "I never kissed a member of the opposite sex". Now, if you have committed the statement, you must drink. It's a little counterintuitive, but fun. We played this many a drunken night out at a pub, but being drunk you don't quit remember which of your friends has committed those unholy acts that might land them in jail in 22 of the 50 states.

So in the spirit of the game, I've listed some "I've nevers ...." which I actually have not done to this point in my life.

1. smoked a cigarette in my life.
2. been arrested.
3. kissed a member of the same sex (except for my grandfather ... on the cheek, ya pervs)
4. gotten a tatto
5. finished reading Don Quixote.
6. grown my hair long
7. done any drugs
8. finished learning to play the guitar
9. handcuffed or been handcuffed during sex (pretty dull for the Devil)
10. filmed any sexual activity
11. eaten lobster, Ethiopian food, French food, chitlins, calf fries/Rocky mountain oysters, head cheese, or tongue.
12. felt comfortable around any girlfriend's parents
13. liked any picture of me
14. believed the old saying "Money can't buy you happiness" (I believe that's just an adage perpetrated by the rich so that you'll think you'll be content with what you have while they continue to pillage the world)
15. been to mainland Europe (visited Ireland and stopped over in Sicily on the way to Saudi Arabia)
16. had major surgery or broken a bone (knock on wood)
17. believed in superstitions
18. been truly happy with any aspect of my life
19. really finished any list I've started

Calvin and Hobbes: The only tatto I ever seriously considered getting

So now you tell me some of the "I Nevers ... " in your life as well. Feel free to comment!!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Even Springer Has To Grow Up

Saturday was a great night. It was one of those nights where I had to drive over an hour to go a friend's going away party (which was fine; I get reacquianted with some old driving tunes). It was great to see some of the old cast from law school who starred in the feature film of my life .. (sigh; I know an autobiographical movie about me would be 2 hours of watching a guy scratch himself on the couch in boxers playing PS2 but damnit, it would have it's moments as well). Anyhow, we started drinking beer and wine and eating. Before you know it, everyone is discussing what they're doing with their lives, futures, work, etc.. One of my friends started talking about the place where she rents now and how it's driving her nuts. She stated that next summer, she was going to buy a place.

WOW! How grown up is that? I'm still renting a place with no thought of buying. I guess part of that lies in the fact that I'm going to be moving from here someday. There is no way in hell I can stay here longer than I absolutely have to. The plan is to be gone by next summer either to teach in the UK or grad school. Still, it's amazing to see people moving on with their lives. It's too funny to hear someone talk about buying a home when you know damn well he was stinking drunk, hitting on a stuffed moose head on a Wednesday night in law school. It's too funny to think about my friend PY in NYC signing contracts and deals for his firm when I know damn well this guy would rather be sitting in his boxers on the couch winning the BCS on X-Box. I get a kick out of watching a friend handle million dollar clients and formally shaking hands while I reminesce about the same girl who would run up to you in the pub, jump on you, wrap her legs around your waist, and dry hump your leg!

So all this has me feeling a bit like August and Modigli .. wondering if I'm behind the curve by still being single at 35, renting, and at a job you hate. The drive back home that night had me pondering about life and what not .. more of the what not (singing The Darkness' "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" in my Jeep with vocals sounding like a cat stuck under a fence). It's a strange feeling to see people younger than you moving forward with their lives; but then again, who is to say that doing those things is indicative of progress? Isn't coming to realizations about what you want to do progress? I guess that depends on who ya ask.

I noticed even Jerry Springer has grown up a bit. During the commercial break, they have their little message about calling in. It's changed so much that, well, frankly it's boring. The old messages were like "Are you a tranvestite hooker who is love with a married man who is secretly gay? If so, call us." Now, the message is like "Are you a woman who is cheating? If so, call us." Even Springer has dulled it's edge a bit. Quite sad honestly! It's as sad as a 35 y.o. man trying to ride a Big Wheel, play a Game Boy, and still get to the office on time ... still trying to keep that youthful edge while playing in the grown up's world.

Friday, June 10, 2005

I Dream Of Audrey

I think I've found the perfect woman for me ... again. Maybe it's not so much that she is perfect; rather it's what she's best known as representing. I speak of the lovely Audrey Tatou. I mean, I don't know much about her as a person, but it's her persona I speak of.

I think it is her persona I think that is perfect .... or perhaps the characters she always seems to play in her movies (with the possible exception of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not).

When she played Amelie, that was the perfect role for her. Amelie is the ideal girl for me as far as I'm concerned. A cute girl with that sorta nerdy side. An inquisitive soul who has the biggest heart and is considerate of other's feelings, hopes, and dreams.

Of course this is all predicated on her character in Amelie of course. I've said before that I'm easy to please, so it would be great to meet someone who would go through all of that trouble to show someone that she cares. Heck, if someone bought me a Big Mac because they were already in the drive-through at McDonalds I'm touched.

I'm on board with Evil Petting Zoo when he related the whole story about seeing the cute girl with glasses at a bookstore or coffeeshop. An intelligent cute girl is where it's at.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

HMO's Get Even Cheaper ... It Is Humanly Possible

As if insurance companies aren't busy enough trying to rape us all with rising premiums, increased copays, and less coverage, now they're trying to get you to save them money. What they're having folks do is cut their presription drugs in half ... literally. They will provide you with a pill splitter so you can take your prescription drugs and halve them. Why? So that they have to pay for fewer drugs that you're already paying for with your premiums. What cracks me up is that this is what the insurance industry is pushing to save costs. First of all, they cut down on the number of things they'll pay for. These cheap bastards will pretty deny having to cover anything if they can help it (everyone has a horror story about this). They will look for any reason to deny coverage and I do mean any reason. Don't believe me? I have helped more than my share of callers from firms representing insurance companies who will literally tell me that they are looking for legal authority on which to deny coverage. I've even had some go so far as to flat out tell me things like "Well yeah, he was under our plan. He was out in public someplace and was pretty much hurt through no fault of his own .. but we want to find some things so we can deny his claim."

Insurance companies are the most insidious creatures of all. They've convinced the American public that we needed to put a cap on damages in medical malpractice suits and they've gotten it state by state. They claim they need this so that doctors can afford the premiums on malpractice insurance. Even the Anti-Christ got up there like a stuttering idiot and kept referring to medical malpractice lawsuits as "junk lawsuits". Well, what those jackasses didn't tell you is that in states that have had a cap on damages in medical malpractice cases for years already, malpractice premiums for doctors practicing in those states has not decreased. In fact, it has actually increased. Their excuse? Well, it's all the other states that are now driving up premium costs. The fact is that no matter what type of cap is placed on damages, insurance companies will NEVER lower premiums ... period. They are making way too much money now to roll back on these things.

Now, in order to further help these fuckers look for ways to cut costs since it is all about profit above people and your well-being, the Devil has cordially found a few other cost-cutting procedures so that these assholes can increase their profit margins:

1. No more paper gowns. First of all, they've stripped you of all your money and they're gonna fuck you one way or another. Why not just take your dignity too?
2. Get rid of anethesia. Instead of using expensive gas to put you under, there are alternatives. They could make you read my blog or just watch non-stop episodes of Suddenly Susan and Dharma and Greg. Just in case you don't die during surgery, the alternatives will make you wish you had.
3. No more stitches after surgery. I know some hospitals are using surgery grade stainless steel staples, but those could get pricey. Maybe up to .05 cents apiece. Just use your old Swingline stapler that you swiped from the office. The staples themselves are like 1000 for $2.00. Or they could just use those twist ties from garbage bags that you never use.
4. Get rid of those fancy surgical rubber gloves. Why not just use sandwich bags? You can bring in a sandwich to surgery and use the bag for operations that day!
5. Double-ply toilet paper? Not in my hospital!! Instead, they could take the double ply toilet paper and pull it apart. That way they'll have two single ply rolls of toilet paper! This could save up to a whopping $25 a year! Think of what they could do with the extra money!!
6. One paper cup per visit. You get one. You'll have to write your name on it like you did as a kid visiting your cheap Aunt. If you lose it, too bad; you'll have to cup your hands together to get a drink of water or slurp from the bathroom faucet.
7. Instead of having qualified doctors because they might actually want to be compensated for their time, money, and education; HMO's will now determine surgeon eligibility by how well a person performs playing Operation.
8 No more of those fancy hospital beds. It's bunk bed city now! Get there early or you may be stuck with a top bunk.
9. When it's time to be shaved for surgery, rather than pay a nurse to do it, insurance companies have decided to hire the barbers from Coming To America. That is, of course, when they can stop arguing about how many rounds Joe Louis fought Rocky Marciano. And all musak at hospital waiting rooms will be replaced by the soothing sounds of Sexual Chocolate.

Cutting a Viagra in half?? Is nothing sacred???

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Impeach That Son Of A Bitch

Hey guys, go to the link down below and sign the petition. It's for a good cause and who knows; with enough pressure, the Anti-Christ just might have to give in to popular opinion, admit he lied, and bring the boys back home.

Subject: 500,000 signatures needed today to expose Iraq lies


I'm writing to ask you to join me in signing a MoveOn PAC petition demanding real answers from President Bush regarding the "smoking gun" Downing Street Memo.

To help get the truth about why we invaded Iraq, please sign this letter today.

The Downing Street memo is called a "smoking gun" because it contains the minutes from a British cabinet meeting in July of 2002, 6 months before the war began. During that meeting high ranking British officials reported that the Bush administration admitted it was already determined to invade Iraq, and was "fixing" intelligence about WMD's to justify the war.

This, of course, contradicts everything President Bush has told us about how he chose war as a last resort, and made that decision because he thought he had solid intelligence about the Iraqi WMD threat.

Bush has refused to even respond to the memo, but after Tony Blair's visit this week the pressure is really building. Representative John Conyers of Michigan is gathering 500,000 signatures and comments from American voters to take directly to President Bush at the White House gates and demand real answers. Please sign today and help get out the truth.


Monday, June 06, 2005

Anyone Else Creeped Out By This?

So it seems that in corporate America's quest to sell us even more shit or to cash in on any bit of nostalgia to boost profits, Burger King has resurrected an icon from my childhood days: the actual Burger King. No, this isn't the guy in the king's duds with flaming red hair and beard to match. No, this incarnation is much more insidious.

The new King is a stalker. He says nothing. He hides out in the backseat of your car to pop up so he can cockblock you when a carload of laides pulls up. He's there to throw salt on your game by garnering all the attention himself. He crawls into your bed trying to have his way with both men and women alike plying them with croissants. He stands outside the window trying to steal a peek for his jollies. Oh, he is a cunning one this King. Yet, in the commercials dealing with breakfast, he only seems to be stalking the male species. Is there something we should know about the King? Is the King taking the stance of Chris "Party Boy" Pontius when asked in the series Jackass if Party Boy prefers men or women to which he replied that it didn't matter because when a bear is hungry, it's gonna eat?

The King trying to give another unsuspecting victim a breakfast sausage

Hopefully the King never decides to surprise me with breakfast. It wouldn't be a pleasant sight, let me tell you. There would be nothing sexy about seeing the Devil walking around in his boxers with morning wood looking like death warmed over. I think if they filmed that commercial in my apartment with me starring as the King's next conquest, BK might get out of the breakfast department entirely ... it wouldn't be a pretty sight.

Why I Might Want A Girlfriend

Our wee Irish lass, NML, has bestowed upon the world why she would want a boyfriend or a significant other for that matter. I've compiled a list of some of the advantages of having a girlfriend within the everyday life of the Devil .....

1. People are starting to eye me suspiciously when I'm talking to myself in the grocery store. At least with someone, I'd have an excuse.
2. Someone to share a pizza with so I quit making a pig out of myself. Nothing worse than eating cold Dominos the next morning. I know ... no one likes Dominos and neither do I.
3. The guys are Blockbuster know me all too well. They're always like "Hey, that weird foreign movie where the girl walks around half naked for the entire film is in. That one and oh yeah, someone finally returned Spongebob." Plus, it gives me an excuse to watch sappy movies.
4. I cook way too much for one person; I end up with leftovers for days. Re-re-heated chili is only good once.
5. It's too much work to make up a bed everyday if you're the only person sleeping in it. OK, so I don't make it every morning. Having a g/f will give me an excuse.
6. I've already been trained to put the toilet seat down.
7. When I'm yelling at the TV or radio, having a g/f will make me look less like that crazy guy talking to himself, babbling on and on about conspiracies in the news ... oh wait, that's Tom DeLay.
8. I would like a date for special occassions now and then. I have to go to my friend Edel's wedding next summer in Ireland and it's kinda lame showing up with your brother. Plus, if I get smashed, I can't very well try to put my hand up my brother's skirt can I?
9. Companionship would be nice. No ... going to the pub with the guys and ending up talking to Ethel who is chain smoking Pall Malls doesn't count.
10. It would be nice to have someone who thinks I'm cool besides my nephews. Sooner or later, they may figure me out!! Egads!!
11. It may be time to quit "accidentally" coming across porn on the internet .. "Seriously, I didn't think clicking on the pop-up that read "Hot Sleazy 18 Year Olds" would give me porn. I thought it was an ad for aged Scotch."
12. Having an intelligent conversation would be nice. If I ever get into another argument with someone who's only defense to any political question is "What, do you hate America/God?", I may have to go postal.
13. It's nice to have someone to do thoughtful things for and to have thoughtful things done for me. Remembering that I love Sweettarts while a g/f is at the grocery store is the greatest thing in the world. And I'll always remember how much she loves the "dutch oven" .....
14. A miniature copy of me with some traits would be great. Imagine, a mini-devil running around spouting obscenities at the right wing ... sniff, brings a tear to my eye.

There are a ton of good reasons for me to have a g/f. Hey, I'm great b/f material, trust me!! I'm only giving a few of the ones I could think of in one sitting.

The future Mrs. Devil offering jello-shots for the kiddies out there....
Yeah, I know ... she/it is a hottie

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Mexican-Americans Are All About Education

During X-Mas, my nephews were running around outside in the snow. This was fine except for the fact that they running up onto the concrete driveway which was covered in about 2 inches of ice and quite slick. My sister was going to step out there to tell them stop running onto the driveway when my mom grabs my sister's arm and says, "No. Let 'em run around and fall. That way they'll learn."

Plus, this is pretty damn funny. So download and give it a listen.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Decisions For The Devil

I have ranted and raved about the idiocy of my job and the either lazy or incompetent fools who call in with their assinine questions that border on legal malpractice. We all have quirks of our jobs that we absolutely hate, but I can't imagine going on like this for the rest of my life. I can't imagine having to kiss people's asses whom I know are either too cheap, too lazy, or too dumb to invest a few dollars to find the research materials they need.

I think the final straw that really made me think maybe law isn't for me is a new tool being used by law firms. It tracks down not only every website an attorney visits, it also tracks the time spent on a site down to the tenth of a second. I know some lawyers have abused the system and double billed. But when accountants start running the legal profession, when the driving force behind law firms is profit above justice, when you start slicing the pie that finely, it's time to start thinking about other things. I was never a sit down and work for exactly 4 hours straight without wandering to check my email. I'm already in a job where we are micromanaged to the Nth degree, have to be clocked into a computer by a definite time and not one minute late. I couldn't fathom working for law firms that do the same.

Plus, I'm not the type of person who can leave a job without having another one already lined up. It would eat at me as being irresponsible on my part.

So, I've decided that in addition to applying to teach in the UK, I will also apply to grad school to start my PhD. The main reason I haven't done this before is that I was pretty much afraid of having family lament that I'm a professional student. A weak excuse at best for not exploring what I really want to do. I know I'm too old to worry about what other people say. So if all goes well, I'll continue to somehow survive at my current job for until next summer and then off to grad school (if all goes well).

While I was back at the University of New Mexico, I got the opportunity to work for someone who was exploring something truly interesting to me. He was exploring that period between New Mexico statehood and World War II and Hispano (hispanics from New Mexico; a strange and unique subculture in of itself) political and social movements. This professor, Phillip "Felipe" Gonzales, has been on The History Channel, PBS, The Learning Channel, and the Discovery Channel. It was great; I got to pour over old newspaper articles and periodicals of the time range. It was on the topic I was interested in and I learned quite a bit (stuff that amazingly even after 7 years is still firmly implanted in my head).

Now, I've got to figure out where I'm going to apply to. I know the whole application philosophy because I did it with law school (you apply to 2 or 3 dream schools, 2 or 3 schools within your range, and 2 or 3 safety schools). I've looked up all the ranking and so on but I'm keeping in mind where I want to teach someday perhaps. So, as for now, here is a preliminary list of where I might apply to in no particular order .....

1. University of Minnesota : Good Soc. program, plus I love Minneapolis
2. University of Chicago : One of the big 3 in Soc. schools of thought
3. University of Pennsylvania : Great overall program
4. Princeton : One of the top 10
5. Ohio State University : In-state tuition is always nice
6. UCLA : Top program, plus I have familia in L.A.
7. University of New Mexico : Basically, it's home
8. UC-Santa Cruz or UC-Santa Barbara : Great Soc. programs
9. Notre Dame : Always wanted to go here as a kid
10. University of Texas : 2nd place I wanted to go to as a kid
11. University of Arizona : Very good Soc. program, plus I still love Arizona
12. University of North Carolina : Great Soc. program plus a beautiful location

As per usual, please comment or if you have any experience with any of these schools, let me know what you think about them.