Sunday, December 31, 2006

What To Do Tonight ... What To Do Next Year

I really have no idea what I'm doing tonight. Honestly, I think I'd be pretty content to simply stay in and watch my Netflix movies.

But such is not my lot in life with family in town. Instead, I'll go to a NYE party and end up standing around after midnight while all the couples make out.

It's okay though .... I'm sure the booze will flow in abundance, the food will be spilling out onto the table, and the music will be great. Maybe that is what I need to do next year ... try new things. Either that or just hang out with people who are more willing to booze it up. Either way, things have go to change next year.

So from me to you and yours, have a Happy New Year and remember to be careful tonight.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Why Family Is Great

You know, sometimes you really forget how great it is to have family nearby. I mean, I know I have my cousins in Kennesaw, but it's nice to see other members of your family.

I downright envy those of you with relatives nearby. My problem is that for all the things I wanted to do with my life, I needed to move from home. My mother once told me a few years ago that she knew I'd never be happy living near them because there is nothing there for me (apart from family that is).

From the time I was a kid, my family knew I'd be moving away. On the first day of kindergarten, my mom drives up to the school and she is a bawling mess. She pulls into the lot and I say "Bye mom!!" and with that, I bolted out of the Blazer. Of course, mom caught up with me, made me give her a hug, tell her that I love her and all that jazz. Yeah, I was ready to go.

So tonight, I went up to my cousin's place in Kennesaw and I got a treat. Some of my family came into town for the New Year's Eve. The real treat was that menudo was already cooked when I got there. Once I had gorged myself on this along with a few Tecates, tamales were being made from scratch. Tomorrow I've got to pick up a dozen for myself.

It's just a real comfort to see this, though. I remember so vividly being at my grandmother's home since this was a regular occurrence. With my family, there is always food, drink, and laughter. Tonight was no exception and it felt so great to spend time with my family. It helps to ground me from time to time. We all need that.

Friday, December 29, 2006

I'm Moving To Spain

I could so move to Spain. I know I've threatened this before with Ireland after my trip. This has been a week full of Spain for me. Let me explain ....

On Christmas Day, I went up to my cousin's place. As it turns out, a friend of mine had just taken a trip to Spain about 2 weeks ago. She didn't have my new address, so she sent a postcard to my cousin's place. I gotta tell ya', I was pretty stoked for her. However ... it definitely should've been me going to Espana first.

Next, tonight I saw Volver. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I love Penelope Cruz. But I've got to tell you, this movie made me love her all the more. She is fantastic in this movie. Anyone who might've doubted her acting skills definitely should see this. Who knew her acting would be this strong? She's finally gotten rid of that crazy-ass, couch jumping elf a.k.a. Tom Cruise.

All of this has left me once again with my wanderlust rearing it's ugly head once again. Maybe I just love to travel and I don't get to do it enough to appreciate where I'm at. But, if Penelope were waiting at the other end, I could easily relocate anywhere ... even New Jersey!!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Crackhead Haiku

It's obvious the holidays are here. No, I'm not talking about the fact that the Evil Empire starting putting up Christmas decorations since Labor Day. No, I'm not talking about suburbanites trying to "out-tacky" one another with gaudy lights all over their homes. It's more like the scourge of my morning walks have come out in force the last few days. Yes, my friends ... the homeless have been honing in on me more than ever. They're everywhere this week. It's as if they're taking full advantage of the holiday spirit replete with Santa hats and more pathetic than a George Bush press conference without pre-screened questions.

What I've decided to do is to compile a list of my favorite approaches and excuses used to extort change from me:

1. The I'm Going Somewhere Approach: This is a two-fold approach: 1) the sad sack face that it trying to convey the desperateness of their plight and 2) the story of where they're trying to get to. The standard approach is like this:
"Hey man, (cue pitiful face conveying some sort of emotion), I'm trying to get to (insert any of the following: mom's/sister's/brother's house; a shelter; out of town). I just (insert story here such as just got out of jail; got my wallet stolen; etc.). I just need some change to get me there or whatever you can spare."

I actually once tried to give a guy a valid subway pass I used on the Atlanta rail system. The guy just looked at the pass and was completely befuddled. He didn't know what to do. He prattled on about how he needed the cash more and wouldn't take the pass.

2. The Pitiful Look Approach: This is for the older or lazy homeless. Basically, this is just sitting there with the pitiful look waiting for someone to drop change. Some may couple this with a cardboard sign, stacking personal belongings nearby, or a dog on a piece of rope.

One day as we were walking out to lunch, one of my co-workers spotted one person using this approach. She stopped and said,"Wait a minute ... I know her!!" Turns out this person was married and living in the same complex as my friend. Apparently bumming change can be quite profitable.

3. The Nice Guy Approach: I get this one alot. A person will come way out of their way towards you smiling as if they've got some great news for you. This approach nearly always starts the same:

"How are you, sir/ma'am? Can I ask you a question?"

At this point you've got to cut them off or else they start going on and on. The first "no" is never enough; you almost always have to tell them that you simply don't have any change a couple of times.

4. Crazy/Smelly Approach: This one is simple. This person either reeks so horribly or is just so fucking crazy that you'll do anything to get them away from you ... like give them a buck or two. This one is extremely popular in downtown Atlanta restaurants like Subway or in a deli. I've seen this one work where the person walks in and starts rummaging through the trash in the store.

This post really has nothing to do with haiku's, but I thought the words "crackhead" and "haiku" just sounded really good together. I hope this post doesn't sound cruel; I just needed to vent about what I've been going through the past week.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Is It Acceptable?

This topic was inspired by a friend of mine at work who brought in some pictures he wanted to post to his website. He is a couple of years older than me, so he was definitely into the fashion of the 80's and early 90's. Think Color Me Badd, think Girbaud jeans, think the movie House Party.

One picture in particular had him at about age 19 trying to strike what he considered a "hot" pose. It consisted of him with a light pink (almost white) button down shirt opened all the way down to the belly button with jeans on, bony chest exposed for the world to see. However, what caught my eye in the pic was this white belt. It was a miltary style white belt, which prompted me to ask: Is it ever acceptable for a man to wear a white belt?

He had another picture of him in high school. In this pic, he was wearing an t-shirt (I believe it was either like an OP or Vuarnet) and he had the shirt tucked into some khaki shorts. Again: Is it ever acceptable to wear a t-shirt tucked into shorts?

In the midst of being photographed while getting felt up by unibrow guy, one of Lindsay's buddies on one of her adventures prompted me to ask this one: Is it ever acceptable to wear sandals and socks?

These are questions that need to be asked in order for me to sleep at night. And trust me, no one likes a cranky Devil.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

A Christmas Day Passing

On Christmas Day, the world lost the Godfather of Soul.

In an age of scandal, we often lose track of what we will miss when a figure like James is gone. Instead, we relished watching James get into trouble with the law rather than celebrating his accomplishments. Now that he has passed, we'll all be missing out on what The Hardest Working Man In Show Business brought to the world.

I'm just as bad as anyone I'll admit: I loved when James had his face splashed across the headlines with his hair "looking like a bunch of spiders havin' a meeting on his head". But who didn't dip their shoulders in the rhythm to "Sex Machine"? Who didn't love the James Brown grunting and screaming? Who didn't have their own impression of that signature James Brown screaming and grunting? Who didn't love seeing James in "Undercover Brother" taunting Chris Kattan to say it "Loud"? Hell, we all did.

But do you know how James Brown was truly larger than life? Because he was featured on the Simpsons as himself. That is how you know you've made it. Soul Brother Number One definitely made it.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

Seeing as how I'm in the "Dirty South", I thought this the most fitting Christmas pic out there on the web.

Have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the time with your families. Just remember when your uncle is drunk and you're ready to choke those relatives who remind you why you hate family get togethers, you get to leave soon.

Grab a few beers for me, have some great food, and I will talk to you kids soon!!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

I Make A Horrible Celeb

Apparently, I don't really look like anyone famous ....

How in the fuck did Janeane Garofalo get into my list? I'm not a sexist, but I guess this is the ultimate sign that I am comfortable with my feminine side. And some of these celebs .... who in the hell is Anuar Zain?? I look the most like Philip Seymour Hoffman. A great actor, but let's face it .... there aren't alot of 23 year old Salma Hayek look alikes lining up to give him some.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Johnny Knoxville Is The Anti-Christ

You know, with the holidays finally here, you would think that the holiday spirit is in full effect. You might think that people will relax and just focus on their families and worry about what is really important in life. You'd think that and so would I .... but we'd be wrong.

Apparently because a movie, which according to most reviews is actually really dull, didn't become the biggest movie of the year, some have determined that Hollywood is work of the Devil.

As absurd as it sounds, the Christian Film & Television Commission chairman declared that because The Nativity Story failed to rack up nearly every dollar spent at the movies in the past few weeks, it represented " a serious setback for people of faith who were hoping that Hollywood would produce more films for them". He further noted that Hollywood generally makes "extremely bigoted, anti-Christian movies" since they make big money and he cited Borat and my beloved Jackass. According to this crackhead chairman, it is the studio's fault for not marketing the movie to every church in the world.

Now, I understand that some people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. I know that some people are about as useful as a two-story outhouse. But this is the most absurd explanation I think I have ever heard for a movie's shortcomings. So somehow, it is the studio's fault that they didn't market a movie called The Nativity Story to churches? It's has the fucking word NATIVITY in the title. What else could this fucking movie be about? Does some couple from Piglick, Arkansas see commercials for this movie and think it's a coming of age sex romp story a la Porkys?

Plus, why call out Jackass and Borat? Sure Borat has the most uncomfortable masturbation scene in movie history and Johnny Knoxville's infamous drivers license photo is of him dressed as a Catholic priest. But how are these movies anti-Christian? Is it simply because these movies aren't stuffed with that crappy music that makes old people with too much makeup and big hair close their eyes and raise their hands to a generic beat? Is it because they don't follow a story from the Bible word for word?

Personally I think it is a sign of the new divisive politics of the right-wing. You see, religion is like patriotism. All it takes is for someone in a position of authority to wrap themselves up in either God or the American flag to declare "Either you follow my point of view or you're against God and/or you're unAmerican". If you can't create the "us vs. them" mentality, you could lose control of your flock. They might actually begin to think for themselves ... and you can't have that if you're leading sheep or they might become rams.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Did you see the pole, Kruger?

The world has officially gotten tired of the commercialism of Christmas. In apparent response, a company in Wisconsin has begun to market the Official Festivus Pole.

I think if I ever get married and have kids, we may just have to do Festivus sometime in December.

Naturally there will be the airing of grievances. What better way to get in the holiday mood than to simply start family fights that are brewing just under the surface? Think about it; instead of waiting for a family member to fuck up .... again; this is just more of pre-emptive strike.

Next will be the feats of strength. Festivus cannot end until these are performed. With my family, this will typically consist of sitting through Lifetime movies which in of itself is a sure sign of intestinal fortitude. In my case, simply hauling my gargantuan carcass from the kitchen table to the couch is a feat to be rivaled. Wow, you know, even now Festivus is beginning to sound more and more like Christmas. Even Festivus is now ruined!!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I Stole This Idea From Brooke

It's come to this, hasn't it? I've been reduced to stealing ideas from hot school teachers from Florida, namely Brooke. But this is a good lesson for me to ponder on.

30 Things I've Learned From Women

1. Women are much less superficial than men since they will love us for who we are, not what we look like, a.k.a. Catherine Zeta-Jones syndrome.
2. Thread count is really important when it comes to bed sheets.
3. The male ego is super, super fragile despite our best attempts to portray it otherwise.
4. Artsy, intelligent, and/or nerdy women absolutely get to me.
5. A good woman will gently steer us clear of our idiotic ideas.
6. I'm a sucker for a woman's eyes and her smile.
7. I'm a cuddler. (I know I'll catch shit for this one)
8. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. (Stolen again ... Sorry Brooke)
9. A woman in a t-shirt and panties is the ultimate aphrodisiac. (See pic above)
10. Little thoughtful things mean so much more than grand gestures.
11. Having a way with words is a gift (Robert Smith [yes, that Robert Smith of The Cure] and Neruda are two of the masters)
12. While I am capable of being a real dick at times, I can also be the best b/f ever.
13. Chick flicks aren't always as gut wrenchingly horrible as I make them out to be.

14. It's okay for a man to have a comforter with a duvet cover.
15. I absolutely crave when a woman looks at me like I hung the moon.
16. I actually like cooking, but I'm a horrible baker.
17. Avoid any girl with a license plate or key chain that reads "Princess".
18. Being vulnerable will not kill me.
19. It's okay to do away with my pride for something or someone that is truly important to me.
20. Don't fight to win with someone you care about.
21. Someone may actually love me for me, even if I'm not in the best shape or the wealthiest.
22. Nothing is better than sex in the morning, or in the shower, or on the couch, or in the car, or ..... well, nothing is better than sex with someone you care about.
23. I need to let her take care of me from time to time.
24. Let her talk about her day because over time she'll tell me everything I need to know about making her happy.
25. I need to take off my "lawyer cap" and be an advocate for her.
26. Pick your fights because not everything is worth fighting over.
27. Let her decorate the home because inevitably I'll screw it up.
28. Any woman who is talking about how cute or hot someone else is while we are out is not the woman for me.
29. As much as some guys think they want to know everything about a woman's past, I know I do not want to know everything.
30. That certain way a woman in love looks at me will reach straight to my heart.

As a final note, I'd love hear what all of my friends out there in Blogland have learned from the opposite sex.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Meet My Future Son ...

I swear on all that is holy, if I have kids that this is what my son and daughter will be like!! Mark my words, they will be Sun Devils and they will be this fucking cool!!!!

Lil' Sparky

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All I Want For Christmas Is Boobs .......

As I've gotten older, I've found the need for gifts under the Christmas tree lessening. It seems the things that I'd truly want for a really Merry Christmas are things that can't be wrapped up. I've been a decent kid this year, so here is a partial list of what I'd want ......

1. Whitney / Bobby Christmas special: We'd need this complete with Bobby choking Whitney and then the two of them making out like a couple of horny teens at prom. They'd have to sing some absolutely ghetto-fabulous songs like "I'm Dreaming Of A Blow Christmas, Bitch" and the classic "I'll Be At My Recently Foreclosed Home For Christmas". This will truly put me in the holiday spirit.

2. Get laid: I haven't seen a breast in person since the end of June. To paraphrase Louis CK, it's gotten so bad that you know when you masturbate, you remember a sexual experience to rub one out to; well, it's been so long since I've gotten laid that I have to remember the last time I rubbed one out.

3. American Idol gets canceled: About the only way it would get better is if a strain of virus that infects fans of the show or contestants is somehow mutated to become transmittable through TV signals.

4. The smell of urine is eradicated from downtown: The bane of my morning walk from the ghetto parking lot is the aroma of pissing homeless folks everytime the wind shifts. A great gift would be if some wondrous elixir was created that magically rid the air of that foul stench and deterred homeless from approaching me like a pack of hyenas whenever they see me.

5. Get rid of my fat ass: Find an immortal fat-shaving plane so that I can eliminate fat from those problems areas like ... you know, my entire body. Actually this could be packaged and stuffed underneath my tree along with a pair of real life boobs attached to
Scarlett Johansson.

6. Banning "A Christmas Story": I wish Homeland Security (doesn't that name just smack of Naziism??) would once and for all declare that "A Christmas Story" is subversive and outlaw its broadcast for a term of no less than 100 years.

7. Sterilize the Wal-Mart crowd: Pfizer could develop a new sterility drug that can be administered through the skin. The drug would be sprayed onto all t-shirts reading "Git 'R Done" ensuring the timely demise of NASCAR, Toby Keith, and Natural Light beer.

8. An End To Trashiness: Congress could insert a provision into the "No Child Left Behind" that mandates the lessons of Hot Ghetto Mess be incorporated into every Civics class as a yardstick of what not to do as part of a civilized society.

9. Faces: I'd like to get a pic of all of you so that I know who you are. It's crazy but you feel closer to a Blogger if you know what he/she looks like.

See, I'm not selfish at all with my Christmas wishes. I think all of these would serve a greater purpose for society.

Monday, December 18, 2006

"Tis The Season For Shitty Movies

Well folks .. it's been a while. But let me just say that things are back on track. As embarrassing as this is, when I first moved down this way, I let ML use my computer. I figured that I was living with family and that since she was in school, she'd make better use of it. Since we're no longer on speaking terms, I figured the thing was shot and it didn't make any sense to get it back (besides, it was a Compaq ... that's all that needs to be said with that). But I just scored a new laptop so now I plan on getting back on track ......

Now for the rants!!

What the fuck is going on these days with shitty movie after shitty movie being released? It's as if Hollywood figures that everyone will be sick of hearing "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by that crazy chick from "Glitter", so they'll put out all of the shitty movies they've shelved for the past few months.

Like this piece of shit in the pic. It's amazing that this was even made; it went directly to DVD. This movie will rank right up there with any Lorenzo Lamas production.

Who in the name of all that is holy is going to rent this or better yet, buy this? It's the same guy who actually paid to see The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift on opening night.

The first two of the American Pie movies were decent ... but now it's just fucking stupid. One of the clips that I've bombarded with this week has this line that is sure to elicit thunderous laughter has Eugene Levy saying in his most incredulous tone "You're a Stifler and a virgin?" I threw up a little in my mouth as I was typing this ..... But seriously, we all know that extremely hot sorority girls couldn't wait to get naked in front of pale, skinny guys with all the sex appeal of Crispin Glover so they could streak across campus.

As if this wasn't bad enough .... we also get "Rocky Balboa". Who in the fuck thought this was a good idea? Who was stupid enough to say "You know ... audiences at Christmas just might pony up $10 to see a 60 year old man get his ass kicked in a movie. Let me pony up millions of dollars on this one."And it only gets worse from here on out. No doubt Vin Diesel or Jennifer Lopez will have a movie out in the next few months .......

I've got a great idea for a movie: why don't we watch a guy eat six apples and shit out a fruit salad. Oh wait .... apparently that show idea was taken already and packaged as "American Idol".

Monday, November 13, 2006

If you still don't think Notre Dame is God's school ...

.... then look at who showed up to cheer the Irish on.

Monday, November 06, 2006

People With Money Can Be Trashy Too

A long time ago, in a city far, far away, my mom said one of those things that shapes your lives for years to come. She said "Just because you don't have money doesn't mean you have to act trashy." I've always carried that thought with me as I've gone through life and it has shaped alot of my opinions of people.

And we all know we constantly run into people with no money acting trashy. For instance, I went to the
Atlanta Zoo a few weeks ago because they had free admission for any who lived or worked in the city. So I head over early and it was great until all of the trash of Atlanta hit the place. There they are: kids knocking on the glass cases of snakes all the while their unattentive parents are oblivious to the "Do Not Knock On The Glass" stenciling instead focusing on what their "drivers" are doing at some unknown race in some hillbilly city; adults with Blue Tooths going into normally quiet observation areas talking so fucking loud about who got drunk last night or who got into a fight at the club; parents raising hell at the concession stand because the soda they bought had too much ice. Basically it was people who acted like they've never been anyplace .... loud, drawing attention to themselves and acting trashy.

Now, you might think this scourge of the Earth is limited to those driving
cars with rims (you gotta see the pic to appreciate this one) that are worth three times what the vehicle is. Perhaps this behavior only runs among those who own entire outfits done up in woodlands camoflauge? Oh hell no!!! Kanye West just showed the world that he is one of those people when he jumped on the stage at the European MTV Awards .... trashiness embodied.

What a fucking idiot. How do you get upset with MTV, whose only job is to make rich cunts seem like role models to the next lost generation of Paris Hilton wannabes? Does MTV really have that much credibility that a "snub" warrants jumping on stage to yell about not getting an award for Best Video? It's a fucking video!!! If you're gonna get upset about something, get upset about not winning Best Song of the Year or Best Album or Song That Contributes To A Better World. Don't get ticked off because you released an expensive cheesy video for a song which should be the B-side of a single !!!

But poor Kanye ... the world stopped revolving around him for a few hours while others garnered accolades for their hard work. Instead of being gracious about the whole thing like a real rapper would (see
Common, Talib Kweli, or Mos Def for some real rappers), he decides to jump onstage and bitch because he spent a million dollars on a fucking video that didn't win. We all know you don't brag about how much you spent on something ... that's just plain trashy.

Sure Kanye, we all loved the "
George Bush doesn't care about black people" statement that left Mike Myers standing there like a deer in the headlights. But the whole thing about your being a character in the Bible if it were written today was bad enough. With this, all Kanye has done is show us just really how idiotic he is ... oh yeah, trashy too!!

Monday, October 30, 2006

I Ruined My Parents!!!

Once you get older, you may come to a strange realization that I recently had. See, I was given 6 months of free HBO due to the fact that Comcast is a joke of a cable service since they can't connect cable during the 6 hour range that they promise. So on HBO this month is Walk The Line.

All of sudden I realized how really kick-ass Johnny Cash is. I really had no idea that he rocked that much!! I remember all too well how much my folks liked him. Strangely, this is not the first time that this has happened.

You see, this happened with the movie Ray. My parents dug this guy too. And this other crazy old guy named Willie Nelson .... and this other cat named Waylon Jennings ..... and Sam & Dave ... and John Lee Hooker.

Sinbad mentioned this phenomenon: Your parents used to be cool 'til they had you. The sad thing is that it's true!! Hell, my folks had an SUV long before legions of useless soccer moms lined up at the Ford dealership so they had buy more useless shit at Sharper Image at the expense of plunging our nation into war. Don't worry; my folks actually made use of the SUV: we would go on family camping trips; the dirt roads leading to one of the family's ranches are not paved and rough as hell.

This old '76 Chevy Blazer had an 8-track that my folks would torture us with playing all of the aforementioned ad nauseam. Now, of course, everyone digs Cash and Willie and Ray and Sam & Dave. I can't help but remember how much I hated that music growing up. When I bought my first walkman, I listened to that thing for hours on car trips ... anything to avoid those 8-tracks. Now, if I hear Sam & Dave's "Soothe Me", I stop everything and become instantly mesmerized.

But just think: someday you'll have kids and you'll be as uncool as your parents are now. I guess that is the curse of having children. Someday you'll be watering your lawn wearing sandals and black dress socks ... heh-heh.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I'm A Lazy Ass Who Takes Forever To Finish Meme's

Jen tagged me with this one and I've been a lazy lout and never finished it. I'm as slow as George Bush is smart. So here are my answers .... Book Meme

1. One book that changed your life:
The Cathcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I know, I know .... it's so cliche. But I challenge you to find a book that sums up a cynical teen's view of the world much better. I remember reading this and it was as if I had an epiphany.

2. One book that you've read more than once:
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Such an obvious choice, isn't it? For some crazy reason, I keep coming back to this book in my life. In law school during my ethics class, our prof asked us to name an attorney, real or fictional, that we admired and why. I chose Atticus Finch for how he treated the Cunningham family (remember the family that couldn't pay him money, so they would leave chopped wood, roasted chestnuts, and food on the back porch?). I always found it so powerful that despite a client's inability to pay, he let the man keep his dignity by paying back in any way he could.

3. One book you'd want on a desert island: A complete collection of Pablo Neruda's poetry so I could sit and really absorb it.

4. One book that made you laugh:
Lies by Al Franken. Amazing that a book chocked full of facts and figures can still make you laugh. But then again, he was a skit writer for SNL.

5. One book that made you cry:
La Maravilla by Alfredo Vea. I had to read this while at Arizona State in my Chicano Lit class. Part of the story is about an old couple that reminded me of my grandparents. Naturally, one of them dies and you are reduced to tears everytime this cantankerous old lady recalls her husband.

6. One book you wish had been written:
Love In The Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I really consider this one of the most perfect books ever written. But if you know me personally, you'll know I should have written Everyone Poops.

7. One book you wish had never been written: Anything by that raving cunt Anne Coulter. It's one thing to completely come up with bullshit that you claim is based on facts (just like that cocksucker Bill O'Reilly), but at least try to prove it with some actual facts. Al Franken has called her out on this so many times, it's like calling false start on a retarded kid during a flag football game!!

8. One book you're currently reading:
Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich. I know I'm behind the power curve on this one, but I am finally getting to it.

9. One book you've been meaning to read: I've started
Don Quixote at least 2 or 3 times and have never finished it. It's a bit intimidating seeing how thick the book is and you can read for a few hours and only read a fraction of it!!!

10. Six people to tag: Let's see, we definitely need
Lindsay, Chelle, Joel, JHD, Sonrisa, and Andi. These kids are great with the books. And if any of you other kids want to do this meme ... please by all means.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Fade Away Or Become A Haven For Ashlee Simpson?

Actually this post idea came from Chelle (a.k.a. Mariemm), but I wanted to expound on it a bit longer.

CBGB's shut its doors this weekend closing out what was basically the Holy Land for punks.

So is it better to fade away hanging onto the vestiges of what you once were or morph into some trendy temporary thing devoid of any true soul?

I'm glad CBGB's took the fading away route. The landlord decided not to renew their lease, so it really wasn't a choice. BUT it's the principle I'm referring to here.

See, the club had enough street cred that it could've lent some of that to some really ass-clown performers looking to get some credibility. I'm sure someone like Ashlee Simpson would've loved to perform there so that she might be able to wear the shirt in the pic without
Sid Vicious rolling over in his grave or having Joe Escalante use a 3-syllable word that would send her bird brain into complete convulsions. I'm quite certain some dude from some fucking teen-angst drama like The O.C. with his faux-hawk would try to put on a show trying to show just how "punk" he really is.

Instead of going that dead end route, they chose to put real punk bands out there. While I'm nowhere near being a real punk, I do love punk music and what it represents. Sure I love
Blink 182, Alkaline Trio, and Green Day; but I also love The Ramones, Generation X, and of course, the Sex Pistols.

See the difference between these bands and the likes of some piece of shit from Malibu is that being a true punk is about more than wearing a fucking sparkly t-shirt that says "punk". It's more than a
faux-hawk. It's more than a nose-piercing. It's about completely spitting on the establishment, not just a fashion trend. So if you ever see some kid wearing a shirt with the word "punk" scrawled across the front shopping in a Macy's at a suburban mall, you have my permission to rip the shirt off, march the kid to Sam Goody, and have him listen to "Never Mind The Bollocks".

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Another Shitty Season

(Sigh) ... Once again, I have waited all year long for college football to start only to be disappointed by my alma mater's team.

Yes, once again my beloved Sun Devils have broken my heart. The ineptitude that embodies the head coach only adds to my heartbreak.

It's pathetic really to wait so long with anticipation only to have your season over a few weeks into the season.

But this has been the situation all too often with the ass-clown known as
Dirk Koetter. This guy gets nearly $900K a year to produce sub-par football teams with all of the resources known to the college football world. Even Jake the Snake, complete with his new porn-stache, threw some dinero at the program to improve it's weight room.

So there it is .... I'm a 36 year old man who pathetically spends the entire year looking forward to college football season only to have his hopes dashed yet again. I truly am the defintion of schizophrenic: I keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result.

What the school doesn't realize is that, as pathetic as it might sound, college sports rankings do have an effect on how well the school is ranked in US News. While I was in law school at Cincinnati, we slipped a few spots in the rankings. Apparently had our basketball team finished better in the NCAA tourney, we would have received more applications from more students which leads to a school being more selective. If you're a school that only has 100 applicants for 90 seats, you're not that selective. If you have 150 seats and you receive 2200 applications, you're very selective. The more applications you receive, the more academically inclined your student body will be.

Look at this pic of the stadium at half-time vs. Oregon last week. WTF??? It's 3/4 empty!!! Mind you, this isn't a pre-game ceremony or a post-game cermony. This is fucking half-time!!! This is not going to help rankings of any kind!!!

So my only hope is that the idiot will be fired at the end of the season. I've been calling for this since the talentless ass-nugget was hired 6 years ago, so I can say I've hated this guy from the start. So I'm hoping for this and I'm quite sure that once again, ASU will let me down by letting this moron coach another season.

Friday, September 15, 2006

This Is One For Deeesguy

Ever since the lovely NML decided to post her pic on the web, I've been torn. Not having my pic up leaves that sense of mystery. Anonymity also gives one the chance to rant and rave about work and friends.

However, things have been decent lately and I enjoy my job. I'm making friends here and there and I'm moving into my own place in ATL. And I did promise to show my ugly mug sooner or later. So be kind and try to keep the bile from rising in the back of your throats when you view the monstrosity that is my face. Without further delay, I give you the elephant man .... errr, Cincysundevil .... well, me that is.

While I do love the Irish, my maroon ASU cap is what I'm normally wearing. So I have to post one of both up here.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Carl from ATHF a.k.a. Cincysundevil

I've determined that I will probably be alone the rest of my life and die one of those horrible deaths you read about on the back page of your local paper or in News of the Weird where I kick the bucket and my pet ferrett has to eat my carcass to survive until someone at work notices that the tubby Latin guy hasn't been in for about a week.

Why yes, I do have a penchant for the dramatic.

See this handsome fella to the left here. Yeah ... him. See, that is what my future revealed looks like. This all came to me this past week when I was driving in to work. It had rained like hell the night before and the roads were a little damp. I'm hauling ass like in the left lane LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD WHO DRIVES IN THE LEFT LANE ... ahem. Anyways, I'm driving in when the jack-fuck in front of me decides he needs to slow down ... very quickly. I hit my brakes and my car starts to hydroplane. In an instant, my life flashed in front of my eyes. Know what I saw? A gray patch ... literally a gray plane with nothing significant happening. It was this big void of nothingness and just sheer panic.

I didn't hit the car and I have to admit that I was crushed that my life didn't flash before my eyes with a host of milestones.
As I started driving again and pulling my boxers out from the inside of my ass (thus giving a nearly literal translation to the term skid mark), I realized that currently the things I look forward to are quite pathetic.

Is the fact that the cafeteria at work is serving tacos on Thursday really something to look forward to? Should I really be crossing my legs in anticipation and bouncing like a little school kid waiting for the new Jackass movie to be released? Just how much excitement should building your Friday evening around a trip to Barnes & Noble really garner? It was as if Dean Wormer were speaking to my life when he said "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son".

So I've decided to embrace my inevitable fate as a single curmudgeon by looking forward to those things that will make me so. For instance, I have decided that I will now give myself permission to wear black dress socks with sandals since there will be no wife yelling at me to not do so. I will buy the top-of-the-line garden hose to spray on small children and dogs daring to cross my lawn. I will refuse to update my wardrobe more than once every 5 years since I will have no one to impress. I get to let my ear hair grow wildly a la Yoda. I resolve to keep all stray baseballs, frisbees, and footballs that accidentally get tossed into my back yard.

Yes my friends ... while I may end up like my friend Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force with my Coors Light cut-out of Pam Anderson being the only thing resembling the female form to grace my bed, I will have a damn good time becoming the curmudgeon I am inevitably fated to be.

Now you damn kids get off of my blog!!!!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Adios Mate

I know you're going to think I'm full of shit for this post. But I'm dead serious. I'm really bummed about this. The Crocodile Hunter is dead. Steve Irwin was killed doing what he loved best in this world and that is certainly the way to go. Truly, not many of us in this world can ever say that we are doing what we truly love and better yet, died while doing it.

I'll admit, the Crocodile Hunter was always a guilty pleasure of mine. I always was amazed watching this cat grabbing a rattlesnake by the tail and expounding on the virtues of how gorgeous this animal is whilst dodging certain death from a bite. I loved watching this guy jump over a fence as a croc chased him. I loved watching this guy travel to remote corners of the globe grabbing every sort of animal with the same glee that I had as a small boy picking up lizard or
horned toads (or as we called them, horny toads). It was exciting to see someone who had found his calling and was truly enthused about it. Enthusiasm is infectious, as is a negative attitude. Mr. Irwin had enough enthusiasm for us all.

I'm a huge softie (which I'm sure some of you have figured out by now) and I really have a soft spot for animals (excepts for a rat which invaded the Marmot house I shared with Deeesguy down in the 'Nati). Irwin went to zoos and helped gather money to rehouse some animals in need of larger facilities. Hell, we can't even get Americans to shell out money for a homeless shelter much less for animals. Yet this guy would hit 3rd world nations to help care for animals and solicit money for their upkeep.

What Steve will truly be remembered for is the effect he'll have on the environment for decades to come. Kids of all sorts watched his show and he always made his commentary on the need to save our environment. I know this will have a positive influence on so many of those kids (except for those whose parents might actually believe the "intelligent design" is different from creationism and that global warming hasn't been proved yet). I'm only hoping that these kids who tuned in to watch him dodge crocs will not give in to corporate interests (enrich the shareholders or save the planet? Easy call if you ask me ... fuck the shareholders!) and do what it takes to save our planet where my generation has so miserably failed.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

It's Official ... I'm Out of Compassion

Yes true believers, it's finally happened. The bed wetting liberal has finally reached his limit of compassion. It's a sad state of affairs and to an extent I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. But I think I have just hit that brick wall that sociologists has termed compassion fatigue.

It really hit me yesterday morning. I spent the weekend with another damn cold and I had to take Monday off so that I fulfill my lifelong dream of filling Kleenex with snot. So Tuesday I'm on my way to work and as per the standard in the South, it's as hot and sticky as Paris Hilton's thong after a night out. I was in the last throes of a nasty cold which always seems to hit me when the weather is at its worst and the air in the ATL is as thick as pea soup. Breathing is pretty much a chore on these days. And to top it off, I have to walk about 7 blocks from the parking lot to work which leaves me sweating like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

On my way in, a homeless guy starts to bug me for change. I'm already feeling like shit and the hour and a half ride to get downtown is already just too much. So I tell him I'm sorry that I don't have any and start to walk away. Then he asks me if I'm sure that I don't have any change. Once again, I reiterate that I don't have any. Herein lies the rub.

The problem is that this isn't a once a month or even once a week occurrence. Nope. This is getting to be a twice daily assualt as I walk from to and from work. I consider myself compassionate, but if I gave change everytime I was asked, I'd seriously be broke.

I hate to think I'm not compassionate which would make me feel guilty as all get up. Hell, I'm Catholic; I've got nothing but guilt. Everytime I throw away a bite of food I remember all too well the Catholic school nuns telling us that whenever we "wasted" food, the angels in heaven cried. So now everytime I don't polish off that last bite of an ill-gotten Big Mac, the choir of angels are bawling and I'm to blame.

BUT how much is enough already? I know I'm only human but I've actually gotten to the point to where if I have money in my wallet that I really need but don't give to that guy sitting on the front steps of the church smelling like 3 days of urine that has dried in the sun, I actually feel bad. AM I crazy or just Catholic?

P.S. The pic is one I've taken with my new digital camera. Actually, this lady is always nice and never bugs anyone. She always says hi and wishes you well when you walk by.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

How The Anti-Christ Stole My Morning Walk

Note: As per usual, Blogger is having problems loading pics or just having problems so the pic I had for this is not uploading .... just go here for a pic of what I was going to load up.
This morning I got to work way early. For whatever reason, there must be some sort of virus that infected all of the useless housewives whose only purpose in life is to breed spoiled rotten crumb snatchers and to clog the main traffic arteries in this city. There was absolutely no traffic today. Normally, I spend at least an hour and fifteen minutes in traffic. Today? I was in the parking lot in 45 minutes. It was incredible; it was as if all the braindead fucks stayed home to watch more Jonbenet Ramsey news coverage.

Since I had a good 1/2 hour before I had to clock in, I decided to walk over to Obesity Central (that being McDonalds) and get a drink. In downtown ATL, this will mean a McD's where a homeless guy who smells like cat urine is screaming obsenities at a streetlamp. Undetered, I turned on my Gigabeat, set it to shuffle, and proceeded on my merry way.

On my way there, I passed one of the federal buildings. As I approach the building, Guster's "Manifest Destiny" is working its magic and setting my mind alight. The closer I get, I hear these lyrics:

You and I could quit this scene
Build a town and then secede
Like an Adam and an Eve
'Cause to the dreamers go the dreams
But the leaders have the lead
It's a frightening, frightening thing

Born to the land of opportunity
Of manifest destiny
Do you want to change your mind?
You can always change your mind

Outside the building, there is a line of people wearing their best outfits. I thought this strange until I realized that this was where immigration hearings were held. However, this was also the place where immigrants had their citizenship ceremony. It was one of those perfect moments. It's where the music is so perfect and so right for the moment. Throngs of people ready to swear allegiance to this great nation are outside, passing through a doorway only to emerge later through that same doorway as an American citizen. My heart was swelling with pride and affection for my country because here it was opening its door for the poor, the tired, and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. This was a perfect moment that I wanted to capture, so I go into my backpack to pull out my digital camera (yes ... I finally got one and yes, I will post of a pic of my ugly mug once I can get a pic in which I don't look like the Michelin Man). And then George W. Bush's "safer world" ruined my perfect moment .........
One of the rent-a-cop security guards starts talking but I've got my headphones on. She starts motioning and yelling for me to stop taking a picture outside. There is not one sign in the area that states "No Photographs" and I'm on a public street on the sidewalk. This $6.50 an hour rent-a-sitting-on-her-ass-doing-nothing who has spent more time working on her corn-chip nails in one sitting than she has ever spent reading the manual that the "Rent-A-Cops On A Budget" has provided her. I yell back:
"You're a fucking rent-a-cop. You have no idea about the Constitution or my civil rights as an American."
And with that, I turned around and walked away.
I start asking myself how did we come to this? How did we get to the point that taking pictures could be seen as a security risk? And I remembered a speech that the Anti-Christ gave a while back declaring that we are in a safer world because of the "War on Terror". What a bunch of bullshit!!
Oh really? Safer? I guess next time I go to Egypt, I won't have to worry about some fucking radical offshoot of Islam bombing a hotel or disco because the world is safer. I guess next time I go to the Phillippines I won't have to worry about being kidnapped by terrorists in the jungle because the world is safer. I guess next time I ride a train in Spain I won't have to worry about explosives being set off because the world is safer. I guess next time I take a double decker in London I won't have to worry about having my asshole blown off and onto the side of a financial district building because the Anti-Christ and his minions have made the world safer for us all. Gee, thanks FOX news for proliferating the message that the world is safe because your keeper in the sullied White House has now declared it so.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Random Thoughts From The Devil

If I had breasts as nice as ScarJo, I swear I'd never leave the house.

Salma Hayek is hot as is Kate Winslet. What makes them both super hot is that they wouldn't put up with male macho bullshit (of which at times I can have just a touch of .....)

Atlanta is way too humid for human habitability. As stupid as it sounds, Phoenix actually was way more tolerable.

In Georgia, you can actually get an
Auburn University license plate .... which is strange considering that Auburn is in fucking Alabama!!! I'm waiting for Ohio to put out University of Michigan plates.

Everytime I think I've heard of a great new band, Deeesguy already has the CD or is past them and on to something new.

Does anyone besides
porn bots still use chat rooms?

MTV has officially become the
wealthy, spoiled, high-school aged fuckstick channel (as if I'm revealing anything new)

Rae Carruth's head has a weird ass shape.

I actually respect Chappelle for walking away. I've read that one of his skits actually pushed him over the edge and that he felt he was only perpetuating a stereotype, not lampooning it in an intelligent way.

Dharma & Greg is still the most painfully unfunny sitcom in history.

I fucking hate the
New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys, the Philadelphia Flyers, Brigham Young University, and the Los Angeles Lakers. I might even throw in Ohio State just to get Deeesguy's goat. I hate goats too ...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I'm A Child Of The 80's Who Pays Attention To The Lyrics In Songs

Now, I'm like many of you and I'm a child of the late 70's and 80's. The picture to the left should be an indication of that (how many of you really remember this shirt?). I always liked knowing the words to songs so that singing along (and yes, I sing poorly) was more fun. I've spent a road trip in college trying to learn all the words to REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It" while driving to the location of my liver's beatdown. As I've gotten older, I'm especially intrigued by lyrical workmanship. I have always maintained that Robert Smith of the Cure is not a songwriter, rather, he is a poet. Therefore, trite and thin songwriting is a pet peeve of mine.

Monday night, I’m working out at Gold's gym and I'm watching the chachs go to town lifting obscene amounts of weight. They're flexing and strutting trying to woo the 22 year old ladies each of whom probably refers to herself as "a young professional" when in reality all she does is answer the phones at a dentist's office. In the midst of this testosterone and fake 'n' bake induced mating ritual, Gold's has this "video music" system going on in the background. I put the phrase in quotes to signal my obvious dismay as to what they're calling music. It's a mix of bad pop music a la Ashley Simpson and terrible Euro-trash so called techno. It reeks of cheesiness and poor taste. What amazed me even more was watching the chachs really start getting worked up to some of the music.

Now I know most of us listen to music for the rhythm and not for the lyrics. I'll grant you that. But if you start lip-syncing the lyrics, then you've crossed the line and now you're squarely in my realm. Here are these chachs listening to a band that should be playing Six Flags and they were getting into it. It was as if it inspired them; like the insipid and trite lyrics were speaking to them. Let me give you a sample of the pseudo mook rock I'm referring to:

When The world keeps trying to drag me down,
Gotta raise my hands, gonna stand my ground.
I say, hey, Have A Nice Day-ay-ay.
Have A Nice Day-ay-ay

Wow. Those lyrics are inspiring … sorta like the inspiration you get when you see someone puke in public when you can taste the bile rising in the back of your throat. They lyrics are so … well … so bland, so common, so everyday. But these mooks at the gym were getting pumped up by this. It was as if Bon Jovi (whose initials, B.J., are what you should get if you actually buy one of their CD's) wrote this piece of shit in preparation for their secondary career of playing county fairs alongside Nickelback and Loverboy. It was as if the mooks were saying to each other "Yeah, that's right. If I'm having a shitty day, I'll just tell the world to have a nice day. Fuckin' a right!"

Now compare the lyrical larceny that is Bon Jovi with Mike Doughty's "Madeleine and Nine":

Slave to the inside light
My world is burning on eternally
For the fire I lack
This flame is feeling fine
Give my eyes just for your intentions
Risk my back to impress you now
I am so joyful that I have found you
Alls I need is to see you now

It's like watching the Gore - Bush debates where the Anti-Christ had that look on his face like a homecoming queen caught dropping ass at prom. The words are crafted so much more artfully and flow so much easier with great indie songwriters. It doesn't just extend to indie rock vs. mook/chach/county fair/mainstream rock. Nope, this phenomenom extends even to rap. Check out the monotone 50 Cent's "Wanksta":

Shorty she's so fine, I gotta make her mine
ass like that gotta be one of a kind
I crush 'em everytime
punch 'em with every line
I'm fucking with they mind
I make them press rewind

Hhhhmmm ..... quite sad and dull and trite if you ask me. It's as if he didn't even really try to spend more than an hour writing this song. I can see 50 writing these lyrics on a napkin in front of McD's while Eminem is ordering an Egg McMuffin. Now, let's get to a truly great rap artist, Common, with his tune "The Light":

It's important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There's so much in a name and so much more in you
Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land
But that's fly by night for you and the sky I write
For in these cold Chi night's moon, you my light

Damn, how can poor 50 even begin to compete with that. It's like magnificent vs. monosyllabic. So next time you make a music choice, please don't go with what you'll hear on one of those fucking Clear Channel stations or anything with "power" in the nickname of the station. Hunt and peck a bit and try some lesser known artists and you'll be alot happier.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Truth in 6 cartoon panels

This cartoon perfectly sums up every supporter of the Anti-Christ or Conservative I know ....

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Republicans Eat Their Own Young!!!!!

The clown whore who delivered this nation into the hands of the most vile Anti-Christ was today officially kicked in the teeth by the Nazi Party, a.k.a. the GOP or the Republicans. The party of Pure Evil sent Katherine Harris a letter simply stating that she had about as much of a chance of winning the Congressional race in Florida as Toby Keith has of nailing Natalie Maines before a Dixie Chicks concert. With such long odds, they decided to withdraw their support from her campain.

We all remember Harris as that young upstart elections official who committed election fraud and all but reinstated Jim Crow laws in Florida to ensure the Dark Side would win the election. She was supposed to be the close minded answer to Hilary. Now, she's just that tramp with bad makeup.

Such is the way of politics but all this does is serve to remind me of the shit that the Bush crime family in the White House has perpetrated on this great nation. Clinton made like $36,000 from Whitewater; Cheney will reap untold millions, if not billions, from his stock from Haliburton. The right-wingers will tell you Cheney divested himself of any stock he had in Haliburton ... true, but he did not divest himself of stock options. Clinton got a knob-job in the Oval office and the fundamentalist "Christians" were calling for his head for being a "bad example" in the White House. The Anti-Christ blatantly manipulates intelligence to start a war where 1000's of young American GI's die and tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians will be murdered and not once have those jackoffs who bemoan the "sanctity of life" raised their voices in opposition to the war.

Gone are the reminders from the "liberal media" when W the Jackfuck and Dickhead Cheney professed that they knew where the WMOD were located. The "liberal media" hasn't so much as even sniffed at the Downing Street memo which spelled out that the Anti-Christ was going to manipulate intelligence to start the war. They've all but glossed over that. All that brain-dead conservatives hear from the FOX propaganda channel is that the public is not hearing enough about the good things the troops are doing. Now, as a former GI, I can tell you .... passing out stuffed animals and bags of candy to Iraqi kids may be a nice thing to do. But if an IED kills 40 people in a market in Baghdad, guess what the more important story is? No matter how good your intentions, you cannot force democracy at the end of a rifle. You don't win a war by winning the hearts and minds of the people. Apparently the Anti-Christ forgot that lesson since HE NEVER FUCKING WENT TO VIETNAM and has failed at everything he has ever done (look at the oil companies he started and the Texas Rangers before he sold the team ..... all of them complete and utter failures).

So Katherine Harris is getting her comeuppance and seeing what the Grand Old Party is really about ....... and it ain't good.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Graduating In 4 Years Is A Miracle At Gold's Gym

I love going to my gym. I really do. I have gotten past that point where you look for excuses not to go and I now feel completely guilty if I don't. I drink diet soft drinks exclusively. I actually watch what I eat now (I know Deeesguy is having a fit over his cup of coffee or is spitting out his Coca-Cola Classic since I swore I would NEVER become one of those Diet Coke drinkers ... does Coke Zero count??). Yes, I'm becoming a semi-regular healthy person. I say semi-healthy because I still slip a few times a week and hit Sonic for a Cherry Limeade … which is like manna from heaven.

So I go to my gym which happens to be named after a precious metal (as if that wasn't enough of a hint) about 4 to 5 times a week. I like to go in, do my workout unimpeded and get out. I'm usually in and out in about an hour and a half. Except for those days when these annoying types show up …

The Chach: The gym is full of these chach types. My wonderful friend, SR, in Dayton gave me this term and I fully intend to proliferate its use. Yes, the Chach. This guy shows up at the gym with hair done carefully … no, I'm serious. He's got enough gel in his hair to create a papier-mache Trojan horse. He's actually taken the time to do his hair and to lather himself with self tanner to go "work out". He's also got the standard armband tattoo of razor wire or some "tribal" design to go along with his oh so white Sketchers or super clean Nikes. He does all of his exercises in front of the mirrors so that he can be assured that you see him and he's strategically parked his A&F wearing ass in front of the dumbbells so you must "adore" his physique to pick up a 20 pounder. I did note that he's wearing an A&F tee and not an old college t-shirt because neither the University of Phoenix nor community colleges have alumni tees yet.

Soccer Mom and/or FOX news Dad: These two shouldn't be allowed to breed, but since ignorance and stupidity are still legal, I must deal with these two when they decide to load up the mini-van with their brood for a "work out" session. Normally, mom will spend 15 minutes on the elliptical and then wander aimlessly around the weight machines stopping to park her dimpled ass on a piece of machinery. FOX news Dad is the braindead fuck who is shaking his head in agreement with whatever Bill O'Reilly (a.k.a. one of Satan's minions) says whilst his useless spawn run around the gym. FOX news dad will go do some curls with far too much weight and sway his body back and forth to lift it which actually doesn't do him a bit of good … then we won't see his tired ass in there for another 3 weeks until the current season of American Douchebag is over.

The Personal Trainers: Now, am I bit jealous that I don't have a chiseled body like that? Sure I am. Would I love to have the cheesy 20-something year old secretaries (who, by the way call themselves "young professionals … lol … sorry, just being a snob and a dick at the same time), swoon all over me? What red-blooded guy wouldn't? But a conversation I overheard with one of the trainers with a new gym member affirmed my sense of self-snobbery. He was with a young girl with looks not unlike Olive Oil wearing a Princeton tee who had just signed up with the gym:

Trainer: So did you really go to Princeton?
Olive Oil: Yeah … I just graduated this year.
Trainer: Congratulations! You seem kinda young to finish college. How old are you?
Olive Oil: 22.
Trainer: You mean you finished college in four years? Boy, do I feel like a dumbass.

Welcome to my gym people!!!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

In other news .....

I had to see what famous work of art I am!!

You Are Best Described By...
From the Lake, No. 1by Georgia O'Keeffe

Naturally, I'll expect for you tell me what piece of art you came up with ... so get to linking folks!!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Metal Detector Fairy Tales

Sit back kids and I'll tell you a fairy tale ... no, not the one about the pizza delivery guy and the horny co-ed who wanted some "Italian sausage". No, this one is about a magical kingdom and the king's palace. You see, there was a magical kingdom in a place down in the far South where it was as hot as balls everyday which made your underwear stick to your ass as you walked down the cobbled pathways. At the center of this unGodly humid place was the kingdom's palace where a ton of administrators carried out the kingdom's business. It was well understand that in order to go into the palace, one had to go to certain doors and walk through a magic door and place all belongings into a magic box. All the citizens of the kingdom gladly obliged and all was happy, right????

Wrong .... dead fucking wrong!!!

Let me tell you how it really is. Working in any government building in the post 9/11 era, you've come to expect that you simply have to deal with security. If you've ever visited Europe or ever left the United States, you know what I'm referring to. In other places, they have armed guards at government buildings waiting for you to fuck up so that he can pump enough lead into you to make you a hot commodity at a metal scrap yard. It's amazing how fucking spoiled and ignorant we as Americans have become. We're all convinced that we're so special that these sorts of things just don't apply to us.

Anyways, every day I have to go through this little ritual. I put my bookbag on the conveyor into the metal detector and you walk through the metal detector checkpoint. If you set it off, the security guard paws your nads while passing his phalic metal detector wand within 2 inches of all you hold holy. But I'd rather do this than let some stupid fuck who has some sort of vendetta against the world walk in with 200 pounds of dynamite waltz in.

Of course, working in downtown Atlanta, I have to deal with the unwashed masses that are as braindead as they are incompetent. Today I got behind Ms. Suckteeth. Ms. Suckteeth couldn't be bothered going through these few simple steps. She simply tried to bull her way around the line forming at the checkpoint. When security redirected her back to the end of the line, she lived up to her name and well ... sucked her teeth loudly with attitude. To top it off, this useless fucktwit got to the front of the line finally and didn't bother to put her flea market Louis Vitton knockoff purse onto the conveyor belt. Instead, she reaches into her purse, puts her cell phone into the little basket next to the walkthrough metal detector and then walks through. So this walking example of why tigers eat their young goes through the metal detector with her purse ...with metal rivets ... and about $10 worth of pawn shop jewelry .... and she can't figure out why the detector is beeping. So she proceeds to suck her teeth with attitude once again while friendly security guard runs the metal detector wand over her.

I go through this all morning with the unwashed masses. If I go into the bathroom, there is some homeless guy in there taking a whore bath in the sink. If I go the cafeteria, I always end up behind the guy way past retirement age who insists on scrounging through both pockets to find 3 pennies ...or he's just playing pocket pool. Such is life in the magic kingdom.