Tuesday, February 08, 2005

The Bastard Syndrome

I read about this syndrome at one of the blogs I read all the time, Tired of Men. This leads me to the question of how does a guy know if he is one of those bastards?

I mean, I don't think I have many, if any, of the traits NML talks about in her post. The problem for me is that for some reason, I haven't met that someone special yet. This brings up 2 distinct possibilities: 1. There is not that special someone for me or 2. There is something inherently wrong with me.

As for the first possibility, I guess I don't mean to sound unromantic, but sometimes I don't think we have that special someone necessarily. I mean, we are capable of falling in love but I don't know if there is a perfect someone, although there is a big part of me that hopes there is a perfect someone for me. I think that love can actually take some effort and work to make it through rough times and most people just don't have the tolerance for it. It's not always romantic or sexy but relationships take effort sometimes and aren't always smooth. This contributes to why I don't think I really believe there is a perfect someone. If I did believe that there was a perfect person for me, then I might be shattered if that person turned out to have a fault or two. And if there was a perfect person, you might actually get bored because everything would be perfect and you'd have no sense of how good it was because there would be no bad times by which to gauge the good times. I know that we're all human, we all have faults, and its how we handle those faults and those difficulties in the road that determines whether we stay with someone or leave for greener pastures. I know there is also a time when you have to admit that you're not being treated rigth and you need to walk away; the difference in all of this is knowing when to try to work it out and when you need to walk away.

The second possibility is that something is wrong with me. I tend to think this is probably the more likely scenario. The reason I say that is that I have been hearing from friends and loved ones for a while now about my habits. For instance, my mother always tells me I never give myself a chance; in other words, I shoot down the possibility before it even happens. For instance, I'll meet or see a really cute girl somewhere and in my mind, she has already placed me in the friend category. Therefore, I don't pursue her because I'm convinced that a). she'd never go out with me in the first place; and b). she's already put me in that friend category. Now, there is nothing wrong with having another female friend. In fact, my female friends have been probably the greatest source of my personal growth and development because they see me as other women might see me. But always being the friend does get old.

In the spirit of the 2nd possibility might be that I subconsciously only date women that I know will not turn into anything serious. I tend to loosen up enough to really date when I know my life is going to go through a big transition like moving so that if it doesn't work out, I can always say "hey, I was moving or going through something in my life."

Or maybe as NML has theorized about some men, I have that bastard syndrome and I'm not aware of it. I dont' have any kids. ML was a difficult girl but she always accused me of not having her first in my mind. Looking back, yeah, I really didn't at times. But does that make me a bastard? I mean, I am patient to a fault; and ML was pretty much a tank . She was right and damnit, if I didn't agree with her, I was an idiot. I felt that she would literally wait for a misstep of some type to pounce on and let me have it. But I rarely, let my temper get the best of me; instead I would swallow it and just try to be the bigger person (of course, this goes back to my point of knowing when to walk away). Now she did say that I didn't have her first in my mind, heart, etc.. But I thought the fact that I would drive 9 hours after work on a Friday night (I got off at 9 and would drive all night til about 4 or 5 in the morning) to see her was a sign that she was first. I thought the little things I would do meant something (like once during a visit, she was sick; so I ran to the grocery store to get her some medicine and female products and I picked up her favorite dessert hoping it might make her feel better). Maybe I'm not a bastard and she was just an ingrate? I like to think that is more the point. I know I'm a great b/f and I will be great husband material, even if I keep a very calm surface and don't like to let my feelings bubble to the top too often. ML complained that I didn't show enough emotion with her; that I didn't let my happiness show; my eyes didn't dance when I was with her. It's a bad habit, but I do guard my emotions. But does this make me a bastard? I told ML I cared about her all the time. Again, maybe I wasn't a complete bastard in the relationship.


NML said...

Thanks for the mention! I doubt that you are a bastard. I think you just need to take a few risks with the ladies. You might find yourself a little happier and less likely to end up with an ingrate like ML that tried to run rings around you.

trix said...

hi c,

like the new look of your site.
i agree with nml's comment. take risks, not stupid ones, but ones when you can feel it in your gut. she's out there, for sure.

see ya round,