Friday, December 30, 2005

Things That Annoy The Devil

Yes, yes my faithful readers; it's time for my oft-occuring "Things That Annoy The Devil"!!! First up .....

1. Nickelback: Sure they had a huge hit ... like 3 years ago. But now they're hocking their fucking CD in a Wal-Mart commercial. How rock star is that? And after 3 years, every song still sounds the same. I'm just waiting to see them playing at a county fair near you opening for Poison or Ratt. Maybe I'll win one of those "cool" rock-band tile mirrors this time!!!

2. Trashy People: It's amazing how X-Mas turns me into the biggest asshole of all time when I'm forced to manuever through the hell hole that is a Wal-Mart. Yet, everywhere I turn, there they are ... looking for that new Nickelback CD, asking clueless clerks where the boxed set of fishing VHS tapes are, bitching that Wal-Mart "don't carry them moon pies anymore". I also run into this type of person wearing some nicer clothes at a place like Applebee's because the $5.99 steak they ordered isn't cooked right.

3. Lifetime movies: ML is hooked on these ... and they're terrible. They have 3 basic plots: 1. Mistreated Children, 2. Cheating Spouses, or 3. Murder mystery. Every single one stars a washed up sitcom star (see Tori Spelling or Meredith Baxter) whose best acting took place the night before in the bedroom faking a headache or orgasm. As terrible as the acting is, I think that the novela stars from Mexico actually might be better actors. The Lifetime Movie network should just be honest and rename itself "The Network For Made For TV Movies Not Good Enough For The Direct To DVD Market".

4. Reggaeton: OK, now this was a cool thing going on in Latin music ... about 3 years ago. Now, it's just old. The sound, rhythm, etc. is the same .... as it was 3 years ago. Yes, I know all about "gasolina" or how cool you are "papi". Yes, I know you wanna tap that ass. Yes, I know all about "culo". But, it's a shame that this music is going down the same road as most gangsta rap by degrading Latinas. To me, a guy who is doing his rap to this type of beat just doesn't have the same street cred as a DMX or Dre. Maybe I am just getting too old .....

5. Shitty kids: Now, I love kids just as much as I love that crud that accumulates along the top of a ketchup bottle. Actually, I do like kids, but I hate, hate, hate, hate shitty spoiled rotten kids who act like they've never been anywhere. I loathe walking through a store only to have to stop walking every 4 steps because some accidental offspring decides he needs to run across the aisle while mom tries to squeeze into a tube top 3 sizes too small. I hate going to Barnes & Noble because Junior decides it is time to test out his lungs. I can't stand seeing movies after 9 PM since role model parents decide that their 3 y.o. Anti-Christ spawn might actually enjoy seeing "The Wedding Crashers". I think it is really the parents I have a problem with ....

6. Shitty cars decked out: Now, we all saw "The Fast & The Furious". We can't all be Vin. But apparently, anyone can now buy shit to make that '91 Hyundai look like it might actually break the speed limit. Apparently, all you need are some sort of flame decals, a chrome tail pipe tip, and some "krome" plastic rims from Auto Zone to get that additional 100 horsepower the ole 4 banger needs. I still love pulling up next to these jackoffs and beating them off the light in my old Jeep.

7. Tourists in rush hour traffic: Simple enough; if you're not from a big city, then stay the hell away from it during rush hour. Keep your fifth-wheel on the outskirts of town between the hours of 6 - 9 AM or 4 - 7 PM. Thank you.

8. J-Lo: OMG, I am so tired of this has been. How does this woman sleep at night knowing that she has polluted the airwaves and the big screen all across America? If I was marrying someone as annoying as her, I would hope my mom would do twice as much shit to her as Jane Fonda did in that tepid flick that came out this year. Does anyone care about J-Lo anymore? Her own perfume? Why would anyone want this? Who wants to smell like overexposure? And then to top it off, she has actually won awards from Hispanic organizations for lifetime achievements!!! Lifetime achievements?? I guess I forgot about her work 20 years ago in inner-city Miami and her work organizing farm workers in South Texas. Look, she did a few really shitty movies and sure we, as Hispanics, don't have alot of our peeps on the big screen. But a lifetime award is a bit much for a hoodrat who can't lose that obnoxious NY accent to save her life.

Monday, December 19, 2005

To Be A Bastard Or Not To Be??

So are we men supposed to be bastards? If we're too nice, we're considered a wimp. I personally suffer from this dilema myself. See, I'm not one of those guys who screams at the McDonald's minimum wage employee because my grease-coagulated, diarehha inducing .99 cent slab of Grade D beef didn't arrive at the counter in 30 seconds. I'm not the asshole who insists on being in the middle lane, then holds up traffic to get onto the right-hand off-ramp because I couldn't be bothered to wait like everyone else.

Nope, see I was brought up that despite how wrong someone might be, (nearly) everyone is deserving of respect. I really hold this to be true of people at work. I almost always call that poor schlep serving me my Big Mac "sir" or "ma'am". I always say thanks to every waiter or server, even when they're in a pissy mood. Again, I understand how shitty it is to work in a customer service environment, especially for some of the most arrogant cocks on the face of the earth.

One problem with my easy-going demeanor is that some people, especially ML, will consider this a sign of weakness. Granted, there are times when being a complete asshole will get you a bit more. However, I always find that when you're an arrogant prick, people tend to remember that more than anything. So, if you're getting an attitude about that $6.99 steak at Applebee's, just remember that the cook in the back is already pissed off about making minimum wage, and then you send food back!!! You're asking to have your stuff spit in (that "special" glaze on your chicken is pretty ... uh ... special).

See, I always believe that while being a pushy bastard may have short-term dividends, people tend to remember that. For instance, as an attorney, I might be asked for a continuance by opposing counsel for a really good reason (i.e. death in the family, etc.). I could be a bastard and say "no". I might even win that trial .. but paybacks are a bitch. In law school, plenty of our professors warned us about this (especially those who had been judges). Sooner or later, you will need a favor from that attorney or his law firm. Think about whether you're going to get that favor .....

Also, I was never one of those guys who could fuck over a girl and walk away like nothing happened. However, women want the prick bastard while the nice guy gets shit on by an angry woman or he nevers gets a shot at all. It's the classic dichotomy: you know what's good for you, but you don't want it. You want what you know is bad for you .... and I'm exactly the same way

Cincinnati Post

I know my posts have been rather gloomy lately with me bitching about things with ML and how my adventures in Georgia aren't starting off with employers lowering the drawbridges and offering me the pick of the litter. So I decided to take a cue from another blog I've been reading lately. It turns out that Jenn is writing about how much she loves Austin. She is graduating and is waxing poetic on the city. I've decided to do the same about Cincinnati and give some props to a city that had it's share of faults but also turned out to be a damn fine place in the long run.

First off, I know ... I know ... I know. You're saying to yourself "What? Has the Devil gone soft?" Well, the truth is ... well, yeah. I guess right now since things aren't going too hot, I thought I should look back at the positive experiences I've had in the 'Nati.

When I first got to the city, I didn't know one person other than the admissions director at the law school. Even then, however, I was made to feel at home. When I didn't have my first apartment yet, one of the staff at the admissions office offered to let me use her home address so that I could register for my parking pass. They also hustled to find me temporary accommodations in the dorms until my apartment was ready to move into.

However, I have to say that Cincinnati is a beautiful city. The city is old, but there are some parts of it that are absolutely gorgeous When you drive through the Hyde Park and Mt. Adams areas, you're immediately drawn to these stately old homes with gorgeous lawns. And there are parks .... I mean there are parks everywhere in Cincinnati. If there is an open field, the city will somehow turn it into a park. It seemed as if there would be a park on one block and another across the street (sort of like the Starbucks moment in Shrek II).

However, it is the people that I went to school with that made the experience what it was. After my first year at law school, I really thought that it wasn't for me. I had ordered applications for grad school and was already looking at registering to take the GRE. To put it simply, I was miserable. But, my friends got me through it and eventually made it something to look forward to. I found my niche and ended up pretty happy that I had stayed in law school. These guys took what probably could've been the worst 3 years of my life and turned them into 3 of the best that I'll ever have. I've got friends for life and valuable contacts in the legal world. Thanks guys; you know who you are!!

Now, I bitched about the city's problems with racism, police brutality, and so on. I think I was going back into an old Devil pattern of looking so far into the future, that I didn't take stock of what I had here and now. I didn't appreciate the city for what it really was until my family came out for graduation. Dad and his new g/f (now his new wife) came and pretty much left the Monday after the Saturday ceremony. But mom and my sisters stayed. I gave them the tour of the city for a week. It's funny how much you appreciate a city more when you are showing it off to loved ones. We went to Skyline, Mt. Adams, the CAM, Newport On The Levee, the Aquarium, and just about any other place you can think of. Once you step back from your situation and observe it with an objective eye, then you can appreciate the beauty that is there.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Driving in Atlanta

I have driven in Seoul, Houston, Dallas, Chicago, and Washington D.C.. Each has its share of obstacles that you must deftly overcome. However, I don't think anything prepared me for the futility that is Atlanta driving.

See, there seems to be a huge problem in this part of the country. You've got these folks who drive with that Southern, laid-back attitude. That might be a good thing on side streets or even a main street. However, once you're on the interstate, this needs to go out the window.

The general rule of thumb should be that once you're out on the road, you need to haul ass. In other words, don't impede the flow of traffic. Instead, I've got every suburban housewife returning from Sears driving my arch nemesis, the mini-van. You've got yokel with access to a cell phone driving his truck with the Bass Pro Shop sticker while talking to Ernest about the fishing hole. I have literally been on I-75 behind cars going 50 mph in a 65!!! It's insane!!!

Southern hospitality is nice, but you don't have to let every asswipe in when you're stuck in traffic. Look, Captain Coronary Episode who is just pulling out of Wendys after ordering a triple bypass burger can wait a bit longer 'til there is a legit break in traffic. Don't let him in because now I'm not going to get through the next traffic light because of your "random act of kindness". The only act of kindness should be not to run every stupid driver off the road.

Additionally, how in the fuck does 6 lanes of traffic on an interstate come to a screeching halt when there is no accident? I don't get it; I see it everyday. I mean literally, all 6 lanes at a stop for 5 - 10 minutes at a time. Amazing; it baffles me. Do we all have to slow down to see who Sherrif Roscoe P. Coltrane has pulled over? Do we all have to slow down to see the 2 cars on the shoulder? Can the princess get the fuck off of the cellphone and just drive?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Mediocrity Rewarded

Nothing makes me sicker in sports than a commitment to mediocrity. Apparently, the athletic director of my alma mater, Arizona State, couldn't be bothered to look for a new coach. So, in her laziness and stupidity, she decided to extend this dipshit's, Coach Dirk Koetter, contract.

Why is this such a big deal? Well, take a look at his record. First of all, this idiot has compiled a whopping record of 32 - 28 in his five years. A little over .500 but yet this clown gets an extension. Now considering the massive wins we get over powerhouse programs like Temple, New Mexico State, and UTEP, you would think that to warrant an extension, you'd need some conference wins, right? Wrong as hell; apparently a 17 - 23 record in the Pac-10 is good enough.

But wait Cincy; doesn't ASU have one of the most potent offenses in the nation? Sure; if you let us throw on you. See, I post on a message board where this clown's supporters will say things like "Well, he's learned that you need to run the ball to win games". Really? What fucking football coach doesn't already know this? If you don't know this, you should be coaching .... especially not at my school!!!

Oh yeah, the little comment on the clown's picture reflects his commitment to defense. See, ASU was 114th in the nation in defense. Not even in the top 50. So basically, we have to run up a score to win a game. This clown was using a 4-2-5 defense ... what the fuck is that defense? It was more like an area code than a defense. Teams embarrassed us on a regular basis and well, to be honest, they still do. We have never had a defense ranked very high under this asswipe's tenure and we never will.

Now some people will say "he's only the coach; he's not playing". Well, guess what? He's getting over $600K a year so he gets the blame. If it goes well, he's a genius, when we lose, he's to blame. Pay me $600K a year and I'll take the blame for Hurrican Katrina, the situation in the Iraq, and I'll even teach W with Hooked on Phonics.

The best part is his weekly news conference where he brags when we win or passes blame when we lose. I wish I could do a .500 job and have my boss give me a raise. I could come up with creative excuses every week like "Well, I would've had the report done on time but Johnson was out with a knee injuy, so blame him" or "We just didn't want it bad enough to get it done on time". Maybe I could be the next ASU coach; at least I'd have entertaining excuses every week when we lost.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Country Bars and Yeah, I've Seen Coyote Ugly Too

So I have to tell you about my first night out in Atlanta. A friend of my cousins was having a night out for her birthday. So she decided that she wanted to hit this country bar called Cowboys here in north Atlanta.

Originally, I was going to stay in. I've been unpacking and getting settled in for like 4 days straight. The burden of being one of those unfortunate few for whom those "become a medical assistant" or "drive the big rigs" commercials is aimed at is also beginning to take a toll. These 2 things together don't make the Devil the most agreeable deity these days. A little cajoling and I agreed to go out.

Now, I've been to country bars before. After all, in my hometown with a metropolis sized population of 7000, there is pretty much only a country bar there. Yes, the Devil can two-step and even Cotton Eyed Joe (the latter thanks to the nuns at Our Lady of Guadalupe Catholic School and their idea of physical activity). So I thought I wasn't completely unprepared for the spectacle I was to see.

Apparently, the bar is an older crowd. Not a problem for me, but it is a problem for those dancing. Every single song had a group of about 20 people line dancing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't this craze die out when people realized "Oh shit, I actually bought a Billy Ray Cyrus record"? They played "Walk This Way" a la Aerosmith/Run DMC and these people were fucking line dancing!!! Nothing is sadder than watching a group of people line dance and really, really get into it. They were incorporating spins and so on ...... quite the spectacle.

It wasn't all bad dancing by the spurned. The female bartending staff was definitely selected for their physical attributes. Now, they did have some real bars where you could get a Maker's & Coke. But these gals were selling nothing but beer at huge tubs. Not a bad idea, but I noticed that each tub had a platform behind it. So naturally, the girls all get up on the platform at various times of the night and start shaking their freakish huge tits and gyrating unnaturally small waists.

I'm not complaining, mind you. But after a couple of hours, it become pretty cheesy. It was that sort of "air-brushed rose license plate with a name" cheesy. It was that sort of 80's hair cheesy. But then again, maybe that is why I enjoyed myself so much; it was like a trip back to my kitschy 80's ... only countrified.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

South vs. North

Well, the move is over and there are some things naturally that are going to be like night and day between Ohio and Georgia.

1. The ladies are much prettier in the South. I don't think this is a real shock; there just seem to be an abundance of cute lil' Southern girls everywhere I go ... in addition to the abundace of slack jawed yokels. Ohio seemed to have an dirge of meaty-armed Amazons with the mindset that because she could squeeze into a pair of jeans, she was entitled to wear a baby-doll shirt 2 sizes too small.

2. Cold weather is a joke in the South. The temperature is all of forty-something today and I've seen so many people running around with parkas and gloves here. In Ohio, 40ish is an excuse to let the kids play outside and to wear shorts. Plus, there was a bit of icy weather Wednesday night, so the news was reporting how local officials were planning to salt the roads!!! Salt the roads as if 6 inches were expected!!!

3. You know you're in Klan country when ..... My cousin and his wife literally live a few miles from a museum that purports to record Civil War history, but is really nothing more than a store front for the Klan. They have Klan rally propaganda as well as W stickers for sell. Makes you wonder. In Ohio, the Klan is there but there are certainly not any stores openly selling Klan gear.

4. Where did all the Catholics go? According to my own bit of research so far, there are only 2 or 3 Catholic churches in northern Atlanta. One of the largest cities in the nation and there are very few Catholic churches. In Ohio, you could throw a rock and hit 2 or 3. Mardi Gras or St. Patrick's Day won't be as exciting without a bunch of us Catholics to relieve our guilt.

5. City planning is definitely a Yankee thing. Oh this is gospel; most cities for the most part are built on a grid pattern in the north. Not here; I have never seen so many roads curve and double back in my life. It's as if Jose Feliciano designed the entire road system for the city.

6. No White Castle. Now, I've never been a fan of punishing my intestinal tract with the wonder that is a Slider, but every now and then the drunk Devil needs sustenance. Now, the South has Krystals, which taste-wise, is probably superior to the Castle. But it just ain't the same when you wake up the next morning running to the porcelain throne to bemoan the fact you had 6 Sliders while you were drunk.

7. I can now have real BBQ. No more of that stuff they call BBQ in the North. Sure, Cincinnati has the world famous Montgomery Inn. But BBQ isn't meant to be eaten in high-end digs. It's meant to be served on wax paper from a small hole in the wall place where you're sitting next to a guy in a business suit who looks as if he's on the verge of another coronary episode.

8. I haven't seen one nearby yet, but rumor has it they have Piggly Wiggly here ....

More observations as I get acclimated to the South.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Who Invited Tubby Back?

As if I'm not going to be sick of the holiday season already with Christmas stuff up the day after Halloween, the Evil Empire has decided to spring upon us another diabolical scheme designed to entice the Toby Keith crowd into dropping that $19.95 they were going to use for that NASCAR tatoo.

The Evil Empire, a.k.a. Wal-Mart, is now the exclusive dealer for "new"Garth Brooks' CDs. That's right kids; if you get the longing to hear "Friends In Low Places" and you don't want to download it, you'll have to haul your carcass over to Wally World, dodging mullet headed NASCAR fans, obeses housewives haggling over socks 3 pair for $1, and hordes of ricket infested children still wearing rat-tails.

First of all, I must admit that when I was stationed in the Army down in Tampa, Florida, I was one of those who was of those homesick idiots who actually thought that country music was a good thing because it reminded me of home. Along comes Tubby and all of a sudden, it's not a bad thing to be from my part of the country (he's from some little town in Oklahoma, I grew up in these little towns in the Texas Panhandle and Eastern New Mexico). I'm thinking to myself "here's a local boy doing well".

Enter greed and avarice. The thing that turned me against Garth was his stance on used CD's. He asked his record company not to distribute his new CD's to stores that sold used CD's. Why? He wasn't getting a royalty on the sale of a used CD. Here is this fuckstick making so much fucking money that he can't possibly spend it all and he's worried about the royalties from the sale of used CDs? He's worried about the sale of a CD that he has ALREADY GOTTEN A ROYALTY FROM THE ORIGINAL SALE?

See, in the law, we call it "getting another bite at the apple". In other words, you had your chance and that is all you get. Not Tubby; he was just plain greedy and there was a huge backlash against him and deservedly so. This was similar to the backlash against Selloutica ... errr ... I mean Metallica with the whole Napster thing considering they got their start by asking fans to come to their shows, fucking record it, and trade it with friends!!!

Now enter the Evil Empire. They will be the exclusive distributor of Tubby's CD's. Now they've even put out this "special" boxed set. Great, now every used CD store in America will be flooded with tons of this set starting January 6 (the obligatory 2 week period you have to keep a Christmas gift). If there is a God in Heaven, I won't have to see that fucking commercial where Tubby is whooping and hollerin' and acting like an ass 'til the original Fat Man busts him for playing with the toys. At least the Evil Empire will have to get rid of all of those fucking weird Chris Gaines' CDs now; right next to those Scott Stapp CDs in the bargain bin.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My Last Days in Hell

Let me give you a bit of background of what my last few days in Ohio were like.

I decided some time ago to leave my job. The only question was going to be when. I decided to put in the 2 week notice about the middle of November. When I did this, I was then told that I didn't need to give a 2 week notice, that it was more of a formality. But I decided to make the 28th my last day and use my remaining vacation days.

Now, it turns out that using those last 3 vacation days was a horrible choice. Now, we have a vacation plan that allows you to purchase additional vacation days at a rate of about $30 a pay period (every 2 weeks) for 5 extra days. So, I am assuming that my final pay check will be near what I normally make minus 2 days, right?

WRONG AS HELL!!!! I lost nearly $350 for leaving 2 days early ... to start with. Next, the way the vacation time is calculated is completely different when you leave. I expected to lose about $100 for the vacation. Nope; I lost another $225 for the vacation. This puts my finances in a serious funk for now. I am totally screwed financially thanks to some creative calculating by my old company.

On top of that, the folks at Goodwill absolutely love me now. I must've donated over $300 worth of stuff to those folks. I think I made 3 trips to drop off things I wasn't going to take with me. All of this and it was so cold in Ohio, my nuts literally retracted completely into my body cavity. I get to Atlanta and guess what? It's rainy and cold ... oy vey!!!

I Wish I Was This Cool ....

This is so appropriate. So many of my female friends have commented how some old boyfriend will call them up out of the blue, just like Rob calling Charlie (Katherine Zeta Jones) in the movie. I tell them it's for one of two things, 1. Either to hook back up (bootie call or rekindle the old flame) or 2. Trying to figure out what is wrong with him.

Which John Cusack Are You?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Devil Went Down To Georgia

Why yes ... yes he did!!

It finally happened true-believers. I finally left that job that was sucking the very life and soul out of me. The job that inspired many in the past to seek out positions with less pay. The job that had such an incredibly high turnover rate forcing more senior folks back into the phones when they hadn't answered calls in years. The job that had people leaving the company despite not having a job lined up. Yep, that job.

I have a cousin down here, LT. When I first moved to Phoenix to attend Arizona State, I lived with him and his wife, KR. It was a great time actually. Being as gossipy as I am, LT and KR are every bit as gossipy. So just about every night, we'd go sit in the back yard, have a drink, and gossip about our work, family, friends. and whatever topic came up. I really had a great time and they've always commented how they miss those days.

Fast forward 4 years from that time. They have now moved to the Atlanta area, just bought a great new home and have been asking me to move down here since last summer. I kept saying "no" at first because I somehow, in my delusional train of thought, believed I could move up in the company if I had the will. Well, we now see what that got me.

I just couldn't take much more of what was going on in Ohio. The lack of socially exciting things to do, lack of people who weren't married, lack of culture. I was literally on the phone everyday with my headset on mute muttering to myself "Fuck this, I fucking hate this fucking job. I would rather eat my own fucking teeth than have to do this the rest of my life." Imagine ... going to a job where every day you walk away with your jaw clenched in sheer disgust.

So, I took LT's and KR's advice moved my tubby ass to the South. I've been here a week and things aren't going too bad. The big problem is finding a job. I left Dayton without one and applying for a job in a city you haven't moved to yet is dicey at best. No one wants to interview you until you get to Atlanta, so I'm here and I'm starting up the job hunt. I've had a couple of interviews, but no job offers yet. So right now, looking for a job is a full-time job.

I've got to say, not working sucks. It's nice to have down time, but it's also making me feel sorta anxious. I know I will get something and maybe not until like January, but still, it is making me crazy right now.

So if anyone still reads this ..... I'm back and I'll be back to my usual rants soon enough.