Thursday, February 03, 2005

Breaking Up and Free Time

You know what the strange part of breaking up with someone is? All of a sudden you have free time, which is both a curse and a blessing. You get off of work and there aren't 2 or 3 missed calls, there aren't any voice mails from your ex, there are no IM's or emails in your inbox from someone telling you to call them when you got in. There aren't any more thoughtful gifts. There is no longer a last person you talk to every night phone call whose voice is what you fall asleep to. Things that you were supposed to do with that person in the near future will now have a taint of disappointment, failure, or heartbreak. Certain songs, movies, television shows, foods, restaurants, etc. will now elicit thoughts of regret, joy, sadness ... the whole myriad of roller coaster emotions. When you go out, you go out alone and you know you're alone now. There isn't that sense of "I've got someone, they're just not with me now." All of the bad things loom larger than life now.

However, I have to admit, with ML, I always had my stomach in knots each time I called just knowing that one misstep or any comment could be twisted into something to make me look like a complete ass by the end of the night. I lived in a constant state of "I hope I don't fuck up." I walked on egg shells all the time, I felt I had to be someone I wasn't. I never completely let myself be me with her. Strange that I wanted to be with someone that made me feel like this. She did challenge me, which I liked.

But what is even funnier is that I remember that I've done this before. I know I won't call her. I won't grovel. I know that as much as I liked being with her and she was alot of what I could ever hope for; she was also alot more of what I DIDN'T want. I just keep in mind that the world will turn again and the sun will rise. With that in mind, the nights aren't so bad, the days aren't so long. It's funny but it felt like the whole world was lifted off of my shoulders on Tuesday night ... although there is that part of you that still wishes you had gotten in a few more parting shots. I leave with this consolation; that if she ever cared for me as much as she claimed she did, she will be thinking about me every day and deep down inside, she is struggling with her decision. Maybe I'm stroking my own ego by thinking that way, but then again, there is some truth to those consoling thoughts.

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