Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Top 5 Tuesday

I'm sure most of you out there have those "dry periods". You know, where you haven't had sex for a bit. Of course, my dry periods are more like epics on scale with The Odyssey. I think I chronicled in my New Year's Resolutions that it's been since July since I have seen a breast (other than Skinemax on cable or when I "accidentally" find porn online). I say that my dry periods are on par with a Greek tragedy are that in order to get laid, I would have to go through like 6 feats of strength and cunning combined with the proper sacrifice to the Gods of Debauchery. Or ... I could be just like my man in this pic and pull 2 slags at once!!!

But in my continued public service, I have decided to compile a list of the Top 5 signs that a guy is trying to get you in the sack. SO ladies, if a guy is pulling these moves, do your good deed for the day and give in from time to time. Hey, if I'm not getting laid, at least a few of you will!!

Top 5 Signs A Guy Is Trying To Get You In The Sack

5. He Starts To Increase Your Booze Intake: It starts off innocent enough, he buys you a beer. Then the next thing you know, you're shotgunning cans of PBR over a pool table with his hand down your pants trying to figure out your religion.

4. He Cleans Up: He tries something different with you. He puts on something like Axe body spray. He might even put on enough of that fancy toilet water to make layers of paint peel off a wall like a banana. BTW, if you want to know what the Devil smells like, go
here and sample it next time you're out.

3. Sexy Voice/Heavy Breathing: As if wearing good smelling stuff ain't enough, the male on the prowl will often employ tactics that he thinks are guaranteed to get your juices flowing. I've often employed the "leaning myself close to your neck" with the mistaken belief that my exaggerated breathing will elicit that "drop the panties" response. Plus, the whole "You're so hot baby" talk that we males employ is guaranteed to make you giggle with your girlfriends next time you meet up.

2. The Rubbing: What woman can resist a man rubbing himself all over you? Admit it, you're powerless once that simulated act of intercourse is ongoing. We'll start humping you in the midst of foreplay like a frantic chihuahua going to town on a chew toy. Or when you cuddle with us, you get the 3-inch killer rubbed all over ya' ... see, you're completely in our control when this happens!! Submit to our will ... I command you!!!

1. He's Breathing and Has a Penis: Yeah, this is the sure sign we're trying to get into your pants. Any breathing man is almost always certainly trying to get into your pants. I know this is a very "When Harry Met Sally" revelation, but work with me here people.

So if anyone has any other sure signs, let me know. Remember ladies, give in every once in a while. It's your civic duty.


Andi said...

Well damn. I'm right there with you on the epic dry spells (since August for me and a year and a half before that). And what's really sad? I've done all of those things you listed that men do. Yep. I've rubbed. I've pushed beers into hands. I've straightened my hair and worn a tight sweater in an attempt to be f*ckable. However, I do not have a penis...but I am breathing.


Cincysundevil said...

Either you need to fly to Atlanta or I need to fly to Texas for a weekend of gratitutous sex.

Andi said...

Oooh, I love gratuitous sex! In movies and life.