Monday, March 14, 2005

Best Lines

This is lame, but I started thinking about the funniest lines I've heard lately. You know the things that make you laugh everytime. Most of mine are from comedians I've seen a million times or from mindless TV shows. So here are some of mine (I may incorrectly paraphrase, but you'll get the gist)....

Time to settle down and think .. what do I want to do when I grow up ... the manager of a chocolate factory run by big breasted hookers ... naw, I don't got the schooling for that
- Dave Attell

This is the worst looking hat I ever saw. I bet if you buy this hat you get a free bowl of soup. Oh, it looks good on you though.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Chris: Dad, whats the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
-Family Guy

Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.
-Family Guy

(Homer floods Springfield. Ned thinks it Judgment Day and thanks God and then he sees Homer going by in a bathtub.)
Ned: Looks like heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State!
-The Simpsons

Remember when you were a kid and you thought you old man was some sort of super hero? Then you grew up and realized he was just a drunk wearing a cape. - Dave Attell

(Dave Chapelle on Sesame Street's Oscar) .. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They're like "Oscar, you are so mean, isn't he kids?" "Yeah Oscar. You're a grouch". Oscar is like "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can."


NML said...

Hilarious! I've been giggling like a muther especially over the last quote.
Mine is always anything Eddie Murphy. There are so many, but for example, in Raw when Eddie describes a man being caught cheating by his woman. She's all upset and he tells her 'I f*ck her, I make love to you'.

Cincysundevil said...

Glad you enjoyed them! ... I love that line, I wonder if any guy has ever really successfully pulled off that line!