Time to settle down and think .. what do I want to do when I grow up ... the manager of a chocolate factory run by big breasted hookers ... naw, I don't got the schooling for that
- Dave Attell
This is the worst looking hat I ever saw. I bet if you buy this hat you get a free bowl of soup. Oh, it looks good on you though.
Chris: Dad, whats the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.
(Homer floods Springfield. Ned thinks it Judgment Day and thanks God and then he sees Homer going by in a bathtub.)
Ned: Looks like heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State!
Remember when you were a kid and you thought you old man was some sort of super hero? Then you grew up and realized he was just a drunk wearing a cape. - Dave Attell
(Dave Chapelle on Sesame Street's Oscar) .. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They're like "Oscar, you are so mean, isn't he kids?" "Yeah Oscar. You're a grouch". Oscar is like "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can."