Monday, July 24, 2006

Metal Detector Fairy Tales

Sit back kids and I'll tell you a fairy tale ... no, not the one about the pizza delivery guy and the horny co-ed who wanted some "Italian sausage". No, this one is about a magical kingdom and the king's palace. You see, there was a magical kingdom in a place down in the far South where it was as hot as balls everyday which made your underwear stick to your ass as you walked down the cobbled pathways. At the center of this unGodly humid place was the kingdom's palace where a ton of administrators carried out the kingdom's business. It was well understand that in order to go into the palace, one had to go to certain doors and walk through a magic door and place all belongings into a magic box. All the citizens of the kingdom gladly obliged and all was happy, right????

Wrong .... dead fucking wrong!!!

Let me tell you how it really is. Working in any government building in the post 9/11 era, you've come to expect that you simply have to deal with security. If you've ever visited Europe or ever left the United States, you know what I'm referring to. In other places, they have armed guards at government buildings waiting for you to fuck up so that he can pump enough lead into you to make you a hot commodity at a metal scrap yard. It's amazing how fucking spoiled and ignorant we as Americans have become. We're all convinced that we're so special that these sorts of things just don't apply to us.

Anyways, every day I have to go through this little ritual. I put my bookbag on the conveyor into the metal detector and you walk through the metal detector checkpoint. If you set it off, the security guard paws your nads while passing his phalic metal detector wand within 2 inches of all you hold holy. But I'd rather do this than let some stupid fuck who has some sort of vendetta against the world walk in with 200 pounds of dynamite waltz in.

Of course, working in downtown Atlanta, I have to deal with the unwashed masses that are as braindead as they are incompetent. Today I got behind Ms. Suckteeth. Ms. Suckteeth couldn't be bothered going through these few simple steps. She simply tried to bull her way around the line forming at the checkpoint. When security redirected her back to the end of the line, she lived up to her name and well ... sucked her teeth loudly with attitude. To top it off, this useless fucktwit got to the front of the line finally and didn't bother to put her flea market Louis Vitton knockoff purse onto the conveyor belt. Instead, she reaches into her purse, puts her cell phone into the little basket next to the walkthrough metal detector and then walks through. So this walking example of why tigers eat their young goes through the metal detector with her purse ...with metal rivets ... and about $10 worth of pawn shop jewelry .... and she can't figure out why the detector is beeping. So she proceeds to suck her teeth with attitude once again while friendly security guard runs the metal detector wand over her.

I go through this all morning with the unwashed masses. If I go into the bathroom, there is some homeless guy in there taking a whore bath in the sink. If I go the cafeteria, I always end up behind the guy way past retirement age who insists on scrounging through both pockets to find 3 pennies ...or he's just playing pocket pool. Such is life in the magic kingdom.


Chelle said...

Loving the downtown or having a bad day?

Thanks for reminding me to pack light clothing when I hop my flight tomorrow. I'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow for my godson's bday.

Really underwear sticking to the butt? I forget every year that Atlanta is icky in July/August.

Cincysundevil said...

Naw ... I love the big city, just hate certain aspects of it. It's funny because I'm so liberal but after awhile, you hit compassion fatigue.

You'll have to post some pics of your time in the ATL. I need to buy a digital camera soon so I can post pics of my daily excursions in downtown. Have a safe trip!!

DCNats said...

damn I missed you!

Cincysundevil said...

And I missed you .... you up for a Cherry Limeade?

Laura Beth said...

I'm flying into Atlanta tomorrow... can't wait lol!

Cincysundevil said...

Laura Beth-
Welcome! Just remember: it's the South here ... nothing and I mean nothing moves fast here.

Anonymous said...

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