I've determined that I will probably be alone the rest of my life and die one of those horrible deaths you read about on the back page of your local paper or in News of the Weird where I kick the bucket and my pet ferrett has to eat my carcass to survive until someone at work notices that the tubby Latin guy hasn't been in for about a week.
Why yes, I do have a penchant for the dramatic.
See this handsome fella to the left here. Yeah ... him. See, that is what my future revealed looks like. This all came to me this past week when I was driving in to work. It had rained like hell the night before and the roads were a little damp. I'm hauling ass like in the left lane LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD WHO DRIVES IN THE LEFT LANE ... ahem. Anyways, I'm driving in when the jack-fuck in front of me decides he needs to slow down ... very quickly. I hit my brakes and my car starts to hydroplane. In an instant, my life flashed in front of my eyes. Know what I saw? A gray patch ... literally a gray plane with nothing significant happening. It was this big void of nothingness and just sheer panic.
I didn't hit the car and I have to admit that I was crushed that my life didn't flash before my eyes with a host of milestones. As I started driving again and pulling my boxers out from the inside of my ass (thus giving a nearly literal translation to the term skid mark), I realized that currently the things I look forward to are quite pathetic.
Is the fact that the cafeteria at work is serving tacos on Thursday really something to look forward to? Should I really be crossing my legs in anticipation and bouncing like a little school kid waiting for the new Jackass movie to be released? Just how much excitement should building your Friday evening around a trip to Barnes & Noble really garner? It was as if Dean Wormer were speaking to my life when he said "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son".
So I've decided to embrace my inevitable fate as a single curmudgeon by looking forward to those things that will make me so. For instance, I have decided that I will now give myself permission to wear black dress socks with sandals since there will be no wife yelling at me to not do so. I will buy the top-of-the-line garden hose to spray on small children and dogs daring to cross my lawn. I will refuse to update my wardrobe more than once every 5 years since I will have no one to impress. I get to let my ear hair grow wildly a la Yoda. I resolve to keep all stray baseballs, frisbees, and footballs that accidentally get tossed into my back yard.
Yes my friends ... while I may end up like my friend Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force with my Coors Light cut-out of Pam Anderson being the only thing resembling the female form to grace my bed, I will have a damn good time becoming the curmudgeon I am inevitably fated to be.
Now you damn kids get off of my blog!!!!