Tuesday, December 19, 2006

All I Want For Christmas Is Boobs .......

As I've gotten older, I've found the need for gifts under the Christmas tree lessening. It seems the things that I'd truly want for a really Merry Christmas are things that can't be wrapped up. I've been a decent kid this year, so here is a partial list of what I'd want ......

1. Whitney / Bobby Christmas special: We'd need this complete with Bobby choking Whitney and then the two of them making out like a couple of horny teens at prom. They'd have to sing some absolutely ghetto-fabulous songs like "I'm Dreaming Of A Blow Christmas, Bitch" and the classic "I'll Be At My Recently Foreclosed Home For Christmas". This will truly put me in the holiday spirit.

2. Get laid: I haven't seen a breast in person since the end of June. To paraphrase Louis CK, it's gotten so bad that you know when you masturbate, you remember a sexual experience to rub one out to; well, it's been so long since I've gotten laid that I have to remember the last time I rubbed one out.

3. American Idol gets canceled: About the only way it would get better is if a strain of virus that infects fans of the show or contestants is somehow mutated to become transmittable through TV signals.

4. The smell of urine is eradicated from downtown: The bane of my morning walk from the ghetto parking lot is the aroma of pissing homeless folks everytime the wind shifts. A great gift would be if some wondrous elixir was created that magically rid the air of that foul stench and deterred homeless from approaching me like a pack of hyenas whenever they see me.

5. Get rid of my fat ass: Find an immortal fat-shaving plane so that I can eliminate fat from those problems areas like ... you know, my entire body. Actually this could be packaged and stuffed underneath my tree along with a pair of real life boobs attached to
Scarlett Johansson.

6. Banning "A Christmas Story": I wish Homeland Security (doesn't that name just smack of Naziism??) would once and for all declare that "A Christmas Story" is subversive and outlaw its broadcast for a term of no less than 100 years.

7. Sterilize the Wal-Mart crowd: Pfizer could develop a new sterility drug that can be administered through the skin. The drug would be sprayed onto all t-shirts reading "Git 'R Done" ensuring the timely demise of NASCAR, Toby Keith, and Natural Light beer.

8. An End To Trashiness: Congress could insert a provision into the "No Child Left Behind" that mandates the lessons of Hot Ghetto Mess be incorporated into every Civics class as a yardstick of what not to do as part of a civilized society.

9. Faces: I'd like to get a pic of all of you so that I know who you are. It's crazy but you feel closer to a Blogger if you know what he/she looks like.

See, I'm not selfish at all with my Christmas wishes. I think all of these would serve a greater purpose for society.


Chelle said...

You ask and shall recieve. Merry Christmas. (I think you can buy replica boobs... somewhere.)

sonrisa morena said...

hmmm? i've got big ones but i don't like show them to strangers ;-)

Lindsay said...

Hahaha I just watched a Christmas Story tonight! How can you not love that movie?!

NML said...

This post was a cincy classic! Fingers crossed you get a shag over Christmas xxx

Cincysundevil said...

Ask and I shall receive? You're going to sterilize the Wal-Mart crowd? You soooo rock!!

Cincysundevil said...

Stranger? We've been friends for years now!!

Cincysundevil said...

I start to hate any movie that is on everyday starting at Halloween.

Cincysundevil said...

Thank ya, darling. In order to get that shag, Santa is going to have to be extra generous this year!