As I've gotten older, I've found the need for gifts under the Christmas tree lessening. It seems the things that I'd truly want for a really Merry Christmas are things that can't be wrapped up. I've been a decent kid this year, so here is a partial list of what I'd want ......
1. Whitney / Bobby Christmas special: We'd need this complete with Bobby choking Whitney and then the two of them making out like a couple of horny teens at prom. They'd have to sing some absolutely ghetto-fabulous songs like "I'm Dreaming Of A Blow Christmas, Bitch" and the classic "I'll Be At My Recently Foreclosed Home For Christmas". This will truly put me in the holiday spirit.
2. Get laid: I haven't seen a breast in person since the end of June. To paraphrase Louis CK, it's gotten so bad that you know when you masturbate, you remember a sexual experience to rub one out to; well, it's been so long since I've gotten laid that I have to remember the last time I rubbed one out.
3. American Idol gets canceled: About the only way it would get better is if a strain of virus that infects fans of the show or contestants is somehow mutated to become transmittable through TV signals.
4. The smell of urine is eradicated from downtown: The bane of my morning walk from the ghetto parking lot is the aroma of pissing homeless folks everytime the wind shifts. A great gift would be if some wondrous elixir was created that magically rid the air of that foul stench and deterred homeless from approaching me like a pack of hyenas whenever they see me.
5. Get rid of my fat ass: Find an immortal fat-shaving plane so that I can eliminate fat from those problems areas like ... you know, my entire body. Actually this could be packaged and stuffed underneath my tree along with a pair of real life boobs attached to Scarlett Johansson.
6. Banning "A Christmas Story": I wish Homeland Security (doesn't that name just smack of Naziism??) would once and for all declare that "A Christmas Story" is subversive and outlaw its broadcast for a term of no less than 100 years.
7. Sterilize the Wal-Mart crowd: Pfizer could develop a new sterility drug that can be administered through the skin. The drug would be sprayed onto all t-shirts reading "Git 'R Done" ensuring the timely demise of NASCAR, Toby Keith, and Natural Light beer.
8. An End To Trashiness: Congress could insert a provision into the "No Child Left Behind" that mandates the lessons of Hot Ghetto Mess be incorporated into every Civics class as a yardstick of what not to do as part of a civilized society.
9. Faces: I'd like to get a pic of all of you so that I know who you are. It's crazy but you feel closer to a Blogger if you know what he/she looks like.
See, I'm not selfish at all with my Christmas wishes. I think all of these would serve a greater purpose for society.