Monday, July 31, 2006

Graduating In 4 Years Is A Miracle At Gold's Gym

I love going to my gym. I really do. I have gotten past that point where you look for excuses not to go and I now feel completely guilty if I don't. I drink diet soft drinks exclusively. I actually watch what I eat now (I know Deeesguy is having a fit over his cup of coffee or is spitting out his Coca-Cola Classic since I swore I would NEVER become one of those Diet Coke drinkers ... does Coke Zero count??). Yes, I'm becoming a semi-regular healthy person. I say semi-healthy because I still slip a few times a week and hit Sonic for a Cherry Limeade … which is like manna from heaven.

So I go to my gym which happens to be named after a precious metal (as if that wasn't enough of a hint) about 4 to 5 times a week. I like to go in, do my workout unimpeded and get out. I'm usually in and out in about an hour and a half. Except for those days when these annoying types show up …

The Chach: The gym is full of these chach types. My wonderful friend, SR, in Dayton gave me this term and I fully intend to proliferate its use. Yes, the Chach. This guy shows up at the gym with hair done carefully … no, I'm serious. He's got enough gel in his hair to create a papier-mache Trojan horse. He's actually taken the time to do his hair and to lather himself with self tanner to go "work out". He's also got the standard armband tattoo of razor wire or some "tribal" design to go along with his oh so white Sketchers or super clean Nikes. He does all of his exercises in front of the mirrors so that he can be assured that you see him and he's strategically parked his A&F wearing ass in front of the dumbbells so you must "adore" his physique to pick up a 20 pounder. I did note that he's wearing an A&F tee and not an old college t-shirt because neither the University of Phoenix nor community colleges have alumni tees yet.

Soccer Mom and/or FOX news Dad: These two shouldn't be allowed to breed, but since ignorance and stupidity are still legal, I must deal with these two when they decide to load up the mini-van with their brood for a "work out" session. Normally, mom will spend 15 minutes on the elliptical and then wander aimlessly around the weight machines stopping to park her dimpled ass on a piece of machinery. FOX news Dad is the braindead fuck who is shaking his head in agreement with whatever Bill O'Reilly (a.k.a. one of Satan's minions) says whilst his useless spawn run around the gym. FOX news dad will go do some curls with far too much weight and sway his body back and forth to lift it which actually doesn't do him a bit of good … then we won't see his tired ass in there for another 3 weeks until the current season of American Douchebag is over.

The Personal Trainers: Now, am I bit jealous that I don't have a chiseled body like that? Sure I am. Would I love to have the cheesy 20-something year old secretaries (who, by the way call themselves "young professionals … lol … sorry, just being a snob and a dick at the same time), swoon all over me? What red-blooded guy wouldn't? But a conversation I overheard with one of the trainers with a new gym member affirmed my sense of self-snobbery. He was with a young girl with looks not unlike Olive Oil wearing a Princeton tee who had just signed up with the gym:

Trainer: So did you really go to Princeton?
Olive Oil: Yeah … I just graduated this year.
Trainer: Congratulations! You seem kinda young to finish college. How old are you?
Olive Oil: 22.
Trainer: You mean you finished college in four years? Boy, do I feel like a dumbass.

Welcome to my gym people!!!

18 comments:

MsAbcMom said...

Too funny! It is funny that you should write about the gym today. I am switching over from the YMCA to the ritziest gym in town. I am sure that will give me LOTS to blog about! Have a good week.
-Kelly

A. Estella Sassypants said...

Holy crap. People really load up their entire family and head toe the gym? I haven't been to an actual gym in ages, as I find that misanthropy is becoming WAY too pronounced to deal with people sweating around me. I prefer to run or cycle at home.

SeaKitty said...

oh no...i think i might turn into a soccer mom. i haven't been to the gym in ages. tomorrow will be my first day back. and now i know for sure that people might actually look at me while i'm there. damned it. at least my gym has a tv at every cardio machine where you can plug in your earphones and try to ignore everyone else.

oh crap. i just remembered i broke my old earphones.

SeaKitty said...

well. i'm not going to turn into a soccer mom. i guess i just fear i might look like one. yikes!

unforgiving b*tch said...

the gym sounds like such a nice idea....maybe I should go sometime.

Grins said...

Lol, sounds like the gyms here. I used to go to Golds when Ric Flair owned them. But when he sold them here they went to pot in my mind. The glamour gym around here is actually the YMCA. Even has a waterpark. I think we have 15 or so locations in the city?

Lindsay said...

dude...I am totally addicted to Coke Zero. I hate diet coke, and love regular coke...I think coke zero is a pretty good compromise because I could drink gallons of soda every day...

deeesguy said...

Devil,

La Mexicana told me to tell you that your healthy ass is dead to them...

Chelle said...

Funny. I know these people. My favorite is soccer mom with loads of make up and perfume on. My god please tone it down.

Cincysundevil said...

Kelly-
I'll expect a full run down of the characters in this place soon!!

Cincysundevil said...

Andi-
Sad, isn't it? These people shouldn't breed in the first place.

Cincysundevil said...

Seakitty-
Naw! You'll never become one of them. You're far too cool to go down that path.

Cincysundevil said...

Unforgiving-
Lots of buff guys ... lol ... it's a single girl's dream ... and a tubby man's curse!

Cincysundevil said...

Grins-
What city is that? Ric Flair owned the gyms? That's so cool. I would totally just wait for him to walk around and do his "Whooo" call.

Cincysundevil said...

Lindsay-
You and I both. It's not quite as good as Coca-Cola Classic, but I know that it is somewhat not as fattening as regular Coke.

Cincysundevil said...

Deeesguy-
Please tell the owner that to make up for it, I will up my ante from my usual 3 carne asada tacos to 5. I'm assuming you're still eating their monster colon plugging steak burrito?

Cincysundevil said...

Mariemm-
We should work out together. We'll both show up with ballcaps and smelling like our deodarant. How was your time in the ATL?

Grins said...

Cincy...Charlotte, NC. And he is actually pretty reserved when around the city. Well except that one time he got in a fight in front of his son's high school. Hmmm.