Anyone Can Be A World Class Athlete

Flipping through TV on a Saturday afternoon is kinda like looking in the fridge the night before you go shopping. You know there is nothing in there, but you still gotta open the door and stare for 5 minutes. NBC, in it's ever desparate bid to get viewers of any sort, decided today was the day to air the National Heads Up Poker Championship. What the fuck?@?!?@? When did poker become a sport that is now being televised on ESPN? So let me get this straight ... this pasttime that is played by mini-van driving fathers looking to escape for a few hours on a Tuesday night is now a sport? This pasttime that is played by guys in the dorms that didn't get invited to campus parties or are too lame to score a fake ID to get into a college dive that doesn't even card is now a sport? This passtime that is played by people waiting at airports is now a sport? OK .. now read this: POKER IS NOT A SPORT!!! A sport involves physical activity of some sort. Slamming 6 watered down 7 & 7's is not a physical activity. Wolfing down a $2 T-Bone on the Vegas strip is not a physical activity. Hauling your ass to a poker table and sitting for 3 hours playing a game is not a physical activity. If these poker players are truly athletes and participating in a sport, then my old man is on par with Tim Duncan, Nikolai Khabibulin, Brett Favre, David Beckham, and Albert Pujols. He can hit the casinos back in New Mexico for hours at a time; he can wolf down those watered down Coke and bourbons, and he can handle any $2 steak in the nation. He is definitely on par with the world class athlete pictured below ....

World-class athletes train year round for the rigors of poker tournaments

Naturally, this got me thinking about what else we're going to classify as sports so that networks can just cram some shit on TV to fill a few hours between more reality shows and paid infomercials on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. So, here are my suggestions for some of the things that people do that could now qualify as sports .....

Magic: The Gathering Tournaments on TNN (right after NASCAR)
Imagine the excitement generated when these guys get out of their homes on Wednesday nights after Audio/Visual Club meetings. Thrill to the excitement as grown men and teenage boys who have never kissed a woman take time out of their busy lives of waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie to compete in a card game. The only thing that can beat the anticipation of the next card is trying to figure out what time mom will pick them up!!!

Thrill To Wednesday Night "Magic: The Gathering" On ESPN 8: The Ocho

Monday Night Frisbee Football on IFC
Stakes are high this year as another season of frisbee football opens. What team will win the coveted silver plated Frisbee (designed by Tiffany and Co. or with the help of Krylon, one of the two) and the individual reward of $10 in campus bucks?? Jerrytown is last semester's defending champs, but will the dark-horse Johnson Hall RA's make a bid for the title?? Tune in to find out ...... or just read the campus paper. (In all fairness, this is possibly more of a sport than poker; but you should Google "Jerrytown" and see all the hits you get!!!).

Wide World of Can Shooting on CMT presented by Mullet Sheen
YEE-HAW!! Only Country Music Television will bring you the best can shooters in the world. Announcer Cooder Yodell and Master of Ceremonies Tugg Clampett bring you all the action. Watch as Brian Murphy aims to keep his record of hitting 10 cans with a .22 on the beautiful fences of Salt Lick, KY (in the field behind the Piggly Wiggly). Newcomer Little Richard looks to dethrone last years champ. Refreshments provided by Natty Light.

Amish Rake Fights: Part of the new Fall UPN Lineup

Only the best can compete in this series. From the minds that brought you "Knifes Are Our Friends" with host Ray Lewis and the children's game show "Find The Roll of Quarters In My Pocket" hosted by Michael Jackson comes the newest reality series, AMISH RAKE FIGHTS!!! This week's rumble includes 2 hardcore champions, The Amish Animal vs. The Pennsylvania Predator, competing in a no-holds barred wooden fence death match!!!

As for me, I'm waiting for the International Fraternity Beer Pyramid Stacking Series to hit Woody's. It's either that or another episode of Dharma and Greg ... and we all know how bad that showed sucked.