Friday, June 24, 2005

This Devil's Life

I stole this idea from Alan who ran a similar post some time ago. He has a really great post, I'm telling ya ... definitely check it out. So here is how the idea goes. If your life were a movie, what characters would appear as the people in your life. In this episode, I've decided to include my immediate family and the ex-g/fs. So, let me start by introducing....

THE FAMILY

Hank Hill as
The Devil's Old Man


My old man is like the Hispanic version of Hank Hill. He dresses pretty much the same (jeans all the time and a white undershirt along with the glasses). He's an expert mechanic and about as emotionally stunted as Hank as well. My dad would give me the same line like "Cincy, if you weren't my son, I'd hug you."


Sonia Braga from American Family as
The Devil's Momma

This is probably one of those obscure PBS shows that I think myself and my sister were ever the only ones to watch. Anyways, on the series American Family, the mother dies in the first episode but as the series progresses, it's obvious just how influential she was on her family. She was a bit meek at times, but still a strong woman overall. Plus she can still kick my ass. During leave in the Army, my mom asked me to wear my uniform to church so she can have a bit of a brag, so I did. Well my younger brother and I were playing rock, paper, scissors with the loser having to expose his wrist to a smack (trust me, after about the 10th smack, it smarts). Mom had just about enough .... she stood up, then stood me up by grabbing my ear and moved me to the other side and sat down between my brother and I. That about sums up Mom pretty well.


Luanne as
The Devil's Younger Sister

I'm the oldest, but my sister is the older of the two. This sister has a heart of gold. She is the mother of 2 of my nephews. Like Luanne, she can make some pretty bad choices in men. But she is a loyal friend and a great confidant. She never judges; always listens with an open heart and always has everyone else's best interests at heart.


Darlene Connor (Sara Gilbert) from Rosanne as
The Devil's Youngest Sister

My sister actually looks alot like Sara Gilbert. She is a big softie who cries at TV commercials and has 2 dogs because she can't stand the thought of one dog being alone while she's at work. However, she can give attitude like no other. She has perfected the Latina art of sucking her teeth while giving attitude. She is the queen of "Oh Hell no!"


Steve O as
Cincy's Brother

Much like Steve O, my brother can always be counted on for a good laugh. He's got a temper from time to time and can get just as crazy. Again like Steve O, there are times when we all wish he'd grow up and quit shooting fireworks out of his cornhole.


The Ex-Girlfriends

Marge Simpson as
The First Girlfriend

My 1st g/f is a great gal. We've known each other since our days in Catholic kindergarden. Despite the years and the fact that she has married basically the stoner equivalent of Homer, we've remained friends. So officially I've known her nearly 30 years. Plus, she was the first, if you know what I mean ... heh-heh. We won't tell Homer.


Janet Livermore (Bridget Fonda) from Singles as
The Ex Fiance

My first real love. We got engaged way too young and we solved all of our problems with hot sex. Not a bad way to make up, but it didn't solve any problems. Much like Janet, the Ex Fiance, she felt it was time to do something crazy because she was already in her 20's. She never got the chance to take blow off classes during college and wanted to do all of that. While I was sent off to Korea for a year, she broke off our engagement to "do something crazy" while she was still young. Of course, she ended up moving in with her new b/f a few months after she broke off our engagement. I don't fault her though; she knew we were headed to a bad place and had the courage to break it off where I didn't.


Hedy Carlson (Jennifer Jason Leigh) from Single White Female as
The Quiet Crazy Ex

Aaahhh yes, my first real g/f right out of the Army. I had just moved back to New Mexico and was living just south of Albuquerque. Anyways, we ran into each other, hung out a couple of times and started dating. We dated for about a year before the crazy in her came out. She was attentive, thoughtful, and tender hearted. She would always stop off at Sonic to bring me a Route 44 Cherry Limeade (my fave) whenever she came to see me. But piss her off a little bit and the above picture describes her. I tried to be her friend later only to find out that she would drive through the parking lot of the liquor store I worked at in college to see if my car was there ... (shudder)


Caroly Burnham (Annette Bening) from American Beauty as
The Golfer Ex

Literally, she was a collegiate golfer. The golf team at the University of New Mexico was pretty good nationally (not as highly ranked as Arizona State, but still good). When we first met, she was the type of girl who would flash crowds at spring break, surprise me by walking naked into the room where I'd be studying, or fool around in the archive section of the library. But as we spent more time together, she turned more and more into her mom: a Scottsdale sort of wife who tanned way too much, cared way too much about keeping up with the Jones, all the while her libido dried up. Who knows; maybe she'll lighten up enough someday and start flashing crowds again ... but I doubt it.

Jo' Polniaczek (Nancy McKeon) from The Facts of Life as
The East Coast Princess (ECP)

East Coast Princess or ECP was the nickname for this girl. We worked together and got to be friends when we started to "date" (code for spending all of our time together and having sex). She grew up in Westchester, NY but always insisted that she grew up in the "working class" section of town. She was getting her PhD in material science from a very prestigious grad program and had her B.S. (with honors) from UVA. She definitely had that NY mentality of being tough, been there, seen that, done that; but was really a big softie inside though she'd never let anyone see it. One of the reasons she always insisted it would never work out between us is that she was going to move back east and I wanted to remain out west. Now she is working at this world famous government lab in New Mexico and I'm here closer to the east coast than she is. Ain't life funny?


Sam (Natalie Portman) from Garden State as
Artsy Crazy Ex

Artsy Crazy Ex was just that ...artsy and crazy. She went to an all women's private school where she was on the fencing team, wrote poetry, and wandered a bit after graduation. She had great taste in music, loved Neruda (thanks to yours truly), hated Picasso but loved O'Keefe. A very deep soul whom I still, for some strange, unexplained reason, still feel a great bit for. But ... she was crazy as a loon when it came to love. She had dated a guy for 7 years who dumped her our 2nd semester in law school during X-Mas break. She still called him like every night and insisting it was just a phase and that they'd be back together soon. She would go visit his family while home on break; and would ask all of their common friends about him. After graduation, she got the hint and figured out he had moved on and was essentially fucking other girls (but didn't want her to date anyone else of course). She's working for a state government now and from what I understand is still pretty much the same.


Anna Nicole Smith (playing herself) as
Fake Breasts Crazy Ex

Yep, I can always say I dated 'em. I dated a girl who had fake 'uns. Again, like ECP, we were friends who hung out and had sex (the law school version of dating). She actually was a nice person but very spoiled. Men had given into her her whole life. She got the fake breasts after a divorce, tried to reconcile then broke it off again with one reason being her ex-husband refused to massage her fake breasts for hours on end to make sure she still had sensation in them. She has a big heart and wanted nothing more than to be married and have kids. She would always say things to me like "Why don't you just move in with me?" or "Why don't we just get married and have beautiful babies together? Do you know how beautiful our kids would be?" She did get married, but I think it was more a matter of guilt. She actually told her current husband prior to their moving in together that if he didn't get a place with her, she'd have to resort to stripping to make ends meet. Like Anna, she was a wet, wild ride (alot, alot, alot, alot of fun); but when you step away for a bit, you realize that Mr. Toad's Wild Ride will get old after a while.


Lilith Crane (Bebe Neuwirth) from Cheers as
Quiet Book Girl

This is the infamous girl who blew ass in my bed. She totally rationalized it because, as she put it, she was feeling great, didn't want to get up, and ultimately didn't want to be uncomfortable. Much like Lilith, she was a quiet person at school; almost anti-social. But she did have a wild side which we won't go into here. She could have the dryest personality outside of the bedroom or in public. Behind closed doors, she opened up a bit. Certainly not the touchy-feely type of gal.


Shannon Doherty (playing herself) as
ML, The Unbalanced Hottie

Hot, hot, hot. The type of girl who is a very sexual being and a great mother to her son. However, that being said, she has enough baggage to slow down a Super Chief. Nothing in this world I would ever do would get rid of that stuff ... nothing. Just like Shannon, ML was the type of chick who would talk shit to anyone and everyone all the while insisting she was a big softie. I knew she was, but she almost never let me see that side of her. I definitely got an eyeful of the vindictive, belittle you every change she gets, slash your tires ML. It's funny how we will put up with someone who is attractive when they do crazy shit more so than we would with an average looking person.

As usual, any comments are welcome. Now you'll have an idea of whom I'm talking about when I refer to my family or my exes. I didn't include RO (The One That Got Away) since I already described her.

8 comments:

The Dummy said...

This is an awesome post. Very creative and expressive. I'd think of doing something similar, but they're nowhere near as colorful as your past. :)

yournamehere said...

Damn, you've had sex with a lot of celebrities.

Sorry, I have insomnia and that's my idea of funny right now.

Ruben said...

The only celebrities that remind me of my family members are all crazy like: Leona Helmsley, an intensely violent Naomi Cambell and a really arrogant low budget Denzell Washington.

Cincysundevil said...

Dating Dummy-
Thanks! I'm sure your past could be just as sordid as mine!
YNH-
I wish they were only celebrities; that would be sweet!
Ruben-
Wow! I haven't heard the name of Leona Helmsley in a while! Nice reference there with the poor man's Denzel!

Brookelina said...

Blew ass in your bed? Please please please tell me that's a euphemism for farting.

Cincysundevil said...

Brooke-
Yep; exactly what it is. SHe decided that she had to fart in bed one night and it nearly blew the sheets off.

NML said...

Absolutely fantastic post. I was in stitches but your dad as Hank is hilarious. I may rob your idea one day ;-)

Cincysundevil said...

NML-
LOL .. I totally hope you do the same sort of post! I'd love to see how the Ex's play out as celebs! And you can thank your Blogger housemate Alan for the post; I lifted the idea from him!