Friday, June 24, 2005

Famous Face + Bad Music = European Star

Apparently the Germans aren't the only ones with bad taste in music. Yes, even our lovable French cousins have taken on their own version of Hasselhoff. Except they've decided to make a star of someone much more sinister ... someone much more washed up. Yes, think back to the late 80's / early 90's and think of martial arts movies with a really bad N.Y.C. accent. Yes, the French apparently are crazy about the music of Steven Segal.

According to some sources I've read, Seagal's album is number one in France. Say it ain't so!! Remember Seagal in his early movies was like this svelte, pony-tailed, wise-cracking, ass kicking machine playing characters with names like Nico Toscani or Gino Felino? Then he got fat and looked more like your sloppy, tank-top wearing uncle at the family reunion after a six pack of Schlitz.

However, he's not the first and certainly won't be the last to grace an album cover. Some noteworthy attempts are .....


My album is funny how? Am I a fucking clown to amuse you?

Yeah, I know. Pesci is an easy target and we already know what he'll sound like singing on this fabulous album. But let's face it: we all love Pesci. From Goodfellas to Home Alone, Joe is the best. So I'll forgive his transgression.



This, however, is not forgiveable. Travolta has developed into a phenomenal actor in recent years. He was superb in A Love Song For Bobby Long. BUT his attempt at rock stardom is sad at best. Look at this pic! This looks like something lifted from Tiger Beat! (I'm curious as to who remembers that mag)



This is what happens to someone who never makes the jump from the small screen to the big screen. I'll bet almost no one recognizes this cat: Greg Evigan. Remember BJ & The Bear? How about My Two Dads? Look at him now with that early 90's wanna be sexy glare a la Rick Springfield.



Another actor I dig is Billy Bob Thornton. In Sling Blade he was brilliant and for the most part, he's never let me down. He'll be in the Bad News Bears this summer so I'll be seeing that. But look at how creepy he looks here ... almost stalkerlike with his b/w saddle shoes and black stalker cap. Apparently this was supposed to be a country album .......



I guess he had time to leave the Ponderosa to make an album. I think Little Joe plays the skin flute on this one.



Now this guy was fucking cool. Robert Mitchum was a pot-smoking party guy back in the day. He was a carouser and a damn fine actor. Plus he's boozing up on the album cover with a bottle of rum. So why in the hell did he do a calypso themed album? Maybe it was to impress the chick in the background. Plus the album name is like so crazy ....



This one I can't even begin to describe. Apparently, the calypso craze got a hold of everyone in the 60's. The mother of spoken word, the poet laureate of the U.S. at one time gave in to the evils of the music industry ... sigh, nothing is sacred.



Speaking of spoken word, we all know that neither of these two cats can sing. Check out Shatner trying to garner some rock star credibility with the acoustic guitar. He looks like he might even know a couple of chords as well while Nimoy sits there like some giggly school girl in that creepy sweater and high water pants.

So, do you know any other celeb monstrosities on vinyl?

12 comments:

A. Estella Sassypants said...

I have absolutely nothing to add. My butt is puckered from all this badness.

JHD said...

Devil, how could you forget Bruce Willis and "The Return of Bruno?"

Ruben said...

A world that would allow Steven Segal to make movies and music is just too harsh for me to live in!

Brookelina said...

*raises my hand in shame* Yes Cincy, I remember Tiger Beat. It's where I got all my Andy Gibb gossip.

Shut up!

trix said...

for real

yournamehere said...

My former band, Honkey Lips, was huge in certain areas of central Louisville.

Cincysundevil said...

Andi-
This much badness would pucker even the best of us. I'm still puckered as we speak.

Cincysundevil said...

JHD
Ya know, I actually considered him for the list. I remember that awful "Respect Yourself" song. When I was stationed in Korea, he decided to play at the base with his "band". The only reason any G.I.'s went was because he was a celeb ... and for Demi Moore.

Cincysundevil said...

Ruben-
It's a cold, cold world. We can only pray that the cast of "Survivor" doesn't decide to put out an album.

Cincysundevil said...

Brooke-
Oy vey!! My sisters had those things all over the place. They were so into NKOTB! They knew all the gossip on Ricky Schroeder (Before he was Rick), Joey Lawrence, and so many countless others it pains me to remember. So you're not alone!

Cincysundevil said...

Trix-
You always come up with the clutch websites. You're the best!

Cincysundevil said...

YNH-
That is a sweet name for a band. I can only imagine what parts of Louisville you might be huge in ....