Wednesday, June 15, 2005

If You Get Caught .. At Least Act Dumb

Yournamehere inspired this with his camp story. In Basic Training back at Ft. Leonardwood, MO., my platoon was comprised of 4 drill sergeants. The meanest of them all was Sgt. Grabowski, an African-American female drill who chewed up metal spikes and spit out nails. She was fucking tough! And to top it off, she had a thing for Hispanics .... and not in the good way. She would walk into the barracks and without looking would yell something like "Cincy, Martinez, Pacheco, Rodriguez, Sanchez ... start knockin' 'em out" (i.e. stop what you're doing no matter where you are and start doing push ups). I found myself in the front leaning rest position everyday because of my last name. Rumor had it she had been married to a Puerto Rican infantryman who screwed around on her, so she was exacting her revenge in some small way.

Another point was that Grabowski was cut. I mean, like Halle Berry cut. Amazing figure and hard as rock. She could do flutter kicks for almost an hour straight, roll over and start knocking out sit ups like it was her job. Again, she was a tough chica and mean as all hell.

During our FTX (Field Training Exercise), we were living out of tents in the cold Missouri spring mornings. Naturally, we did our P.T. (Physical training) every morning so that our fat bodies didn't get soft. We're all in our P.T. gear and Grabowski shows up in her BDU pants and just a brown t-shirt that cold morning. Naturally, her high beams are on for one and all to see.

So we're in PT formation when one of my buddies direcly behind me starts whispering. Nastouski was from Pennsylvania; short, tough, even tempered, and as stout as a tank. One of the funniest guys I ever met in my life with an accent that reminded me of Boris from Rocky and Bullwinkle. Now Nastouski was never the king of subtlety .. quite the opposite; he was the crass master of the obvious. So he thinks he is whispering:

Nastouski: Hey Cincy, did you see Grabowski's tits? She's poking out like fucking crazy.
Grabowski: (snaps her head towards me and Angelo) Nastouski! What did you say?
No answer.
Grabowski starts again...

Grabowski: Nastouski. I'm talking to you. What the fuck did you just say?
Nastouski: (In his most innocent and surprised voice) Drill sergeant .... is that you?
Grabowski: Start knocking 'em the fuck out!

I nearly pissed my shorts laughing so hard on the inside. Nastouski started doing pushups for the next ten minutes and when he couldn't knock 'em out anymore, he rolled over to do flutter kicks. When he couldn't do those anymore, he went back to push ups and so on. The whole time Grabowski was laughing inside because she couldn't keep a straight face; neither could Nastouski, and neither could I.

Start knockin' em out, hero! Hoo-ah!

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