Monday, June 06, 2005

Anyone Else Creeped Out By This?

So it seems that in corporate America's quest to sell us even more shit or to cash in on any bit of nostalgia to boost profits, Burger King has resurrected an icon from my childhood days: the actual Burger King. No, this isn't the guy in the king's duds with flaming red hair and beard to match. No, this incarnation is much more insidious.

The new King is a stalker. He says nothing. He hides out in the backseat of your car to pop up so he can cockblock you when a carload of laides pulls up. He's there to throw salt on your game by garnering all the attention himself. He crawls into your bed trying to have his way with both men and women alike plying them with croissants. He stands outside the window trying to steal a peek for his jollies. Oh, he is a cunning one this King. Yet, in the commercials dealing with breakfast, he only seems to be stalking the male species. Is there something we should know about the King? Is the King taking the stance of Chris "Party Boy" Pontius when asked in the series Jackass if Party Boy prefers men or women to which he replied that it didn't matter because when a bear is hungry, it's gonna eat?

The King trying to give another unsuspecting victim a breakfast sausage

Hopefully the King never decides to surprise me with breakfast. It wouldn't be a pleasant sight, let me tell you. There would be nothing sexy about seeing the Devil walking around in his boxers with morning wood looking like death warmed over. I think if they filmed that commercial in my apartment with me starring as the King's next conquest, BK might get out of the breakfast department entirely ... it wouldn't be a pretty sight.


NML said...

I love that word 'cockblock'! We don't have that ad over here...yet. Thank God!

Ruben said...


JHD said...

Thanks for the image of you in the morning, Devil. I totally didn't need that. If I start giggling uncontrollably the next time you come over to my desk, you'll know why!

A. Estella Sassypants said...

The king scares the shit out of me. Almost as much as the little dancing man on the Six Flags commercials.

MoDigli said...

That freaky King needs to have his own horror flick. I think he should start killing the people he peeks at through windows. Except it wouldn't be a violent gorry death. He would just kill you by forcing you to eat BK food day and night.

How many of those outrageous omelet sandwiches would it take before you get an instant heart attack from all the fat and calories? ...

maybe two?

Cincysundevil said...

If they bring that ad to the UK, demand a boycott of BK. It's super creepy.
Glad you enjoyed!
Come on, admit it. You totally wanna eat breakfast now!
Thanks for the comments! The Six Flags guy is just as creepy. He looks like he should be driving a van and trying to induce kids to reach into his pocket for the "roll of quarters"
Death by BK (shudders) ... it could be worse I suppose. It could be death by White Castle!!

yournamehere said...

The BK guy looks like an old professor I had in college, minus the royal garb.

The worst commercials were the Quizmo's ones with those singing animated rodents that looked like rats drawn by a heroin-crazed Picasso.

Cincysundevil said...

What about the new Quizno's commecial with the talking baby? Those are freakin' horrible!!! It's bad enough to have a talking baby; but a talking baby from a failed sitcom is worse!!

captain_ahab92 said...

The King is a creepy, creepy...thing.

Cincysundevil said...

He certainly is a creepy creepy thing .. I say they should just bring back the old king in that hokey 70's orange and brown king outfit