Thursday, June 09, 2005

HMO's Get Even Cheaper ... It Is Humanly Possible

As if insurance companies aren't busy enough trying to rape us all with rising premiums, increased copays, and less coverage, now they're trying to get you to save them money. What they're having folks do is cut their presription drugs in half ... literally. They will provide you with a pill splitter so you can take your prescription drugs and halve them. Why? So that they have to pay for fewer drugs that you're already paying for with your premiums. What cracks me up is that this is what the insurance industry is pushing to save costs. First of all, they cut down on the number of things they'll pay for. These cheap bastards will pretty deny having to cover anything if they can help it (everyone has a horror story about this). They will look for any reason to deny coverage and I do mean any reason. Don't believe me? I have helped more than my share of callers from firms representing insurance companies who will literally tell me that they are looking for legal authority on which to deny coverage. I've even had some go so far as to flat out tell me things like "Well yeah, he was under our plan. He was out in public someplace and was pretty much hurt through no fault of his own .. but we want to find some things so we can deny his claim."

Insurance companies are the most insidious creatures of all. They've convinced the American public that we needed to put a cap on damages in medical malpractice suits and they've gotten it state by state. They claim they need this so that doctors can afford the premiums on malpractice insurance. Even the Anti-Christ got up there like a stuttering idiot and kept referring to medical malpractice lawsuits as "junk lawsuits". Well, what those jackasses didn't tell you is that in states that have had a cap on damages in medical malpractice cases for years already, malpractice premiums for doctors practicing in those states has not decreased. In fact, it has actually increased. Their excuse? Well, it's all the other states that are now driving up premium costs. The fact is that no matter what type of cap is placed on damages, insurance companies will NEVER lower premiums ... period. They are making way too much money now to roll back on these things.

Now, in order to further help these fuckers look for ways to cut costs since it is all about profit above people and your well-being, the Devil has cordially found a few other cost-cutting procedures so that these assholes can increase their profit margins:

1. No more paper gowns. First of all, they've stripped you of all your money and they're gonna fuck you one way or another. Why not just take your dignity too?
2. Get rid of anethesia. Instead of using expensive gas to put you under, there are alternatives. They could make you read my blog or just watch non-stop episodes of Suddenly Susan and Dharma and Greg. Just in case you don't die during surgery, the alternatives will make you wish you had.
3. No more stitches after surgery. I know some hospitals are using surgery grade stainless steel staples, but those could get pricey. Maybe up to .05 cents apiece. Just use your old Swingline stapler that you swiped from the office. The staples themselves are like 1000 for $2.00. Or they could just use those twist ties from garbage bags that you never use.
4. Get rid of those fancy surgical rubber gloves. Why not just use sandwich bags? You can bring in a sandwich to surgery and use the bag for operations that day!
5. Double-ply toilet paper? Not in my hospital!! Instead, they could take the double ply toilet paper and pull it apart. That way they'll have two single ply rolls of toilet paper! This could save up to a whopping $25 a year! Think of what they could do with the extra money!!
6. One paper cup per visit. You get one. You'll have to write your name on it like you did as a kid visiting your cheap Aunt. If you lose it, too bad; you'll have to cup your hands together to get a drink of water or slurp from the bathroom faucet.
7. Instead of having qualified doctors because they might actually want to be compensated for their time, money, and education; HMO's will now determine surgeon eligibility by how well a person performs playing Operation.
8 No more of those fancy hospital beds. It's bunk bed city now! Get there early or you may be stuck with a top bunk.
9. When it's time to be shaved for surgery, rather than pay a nurse to do it, insurance companies have decided to hire the barbers from Coming To America. That is, of course, when they can stop arguing about how many rounds Joe Louis fought Rocky Marciano. And all musak at hospital waiting rooms will be replaced by the soothing sounds of Sexual Chocolate.

Cutting a Viagra in half?? Is nothing sacred???


NML said...

Excellent post - I love your passion and of course #9 includes people from one of my favourite movies. I think it's disgusting what these health insurance companies are doing. Looking for ways to deny genuine claims is nothing short of sick. These companies are thieves - why set up a business to enable people to get medical assistance if you don't actually want these people to get medical assistance in the first place? Whenever I've been in the US I've been scared shitless of being ill - I definitely won't change my opinion of your health system.

Ruben said...

I agree with "nml" your post was great and hilarious.

MoDigli said...

Hey, is that your own personal stash of viagra getting chopped in half there?!! hehehe..... ;)

yournamehere said...

Corporations are evil. It's true what they say in Fight Club: They hire someone to see which is cheaper, recalling a defective product or paying off the families of the people killed by said product. If the later is cheaper, they roll the dice and let people die.

Cincysundevil said...

Thanks! It's funny that I lack the passion for the law, but I am passionate about decent treatment for human beings! Maybe I could turn that into a career somehow.
Thanks man!
That is not my personal stash of viagra. I just happened somewhere and .. uh, it turned up in my house. I didn't buy it; this guy I know bought and uh .. he was gonna hook up with this girl and didn't have a place to hook up so he stayed at my place and left it. Yeah, that's the ticket!
That quote is absolute gospel. It's disgusting how enraged people were in the 70's because Ford figured it was cheaper to pay lawsuits than to recall Pintos; and now people will lay down in front of big business because the Anti-Christ (W) wraps up this "let corporations have their way" message in God and country.