Thursday, April 28, 2005

I've Got Enemies, You Know!!

I love how if you trace the progression of a conversation, you realize that the leaps in logic from the starting point to the end point make absolutely no sense whatsoever. For example, today we started talking about politics and the name of Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon came out of left field. This naturally led to the discussion of Nixon's head on Futurama. Next, it became obvious that if you talk about Futurama, you must talk about Matt Groenig. If you talk about Matt Groenig, this will of lead you to start a talk about the Simpsons. This led to an episode where Barney founds Moe's enemies list that was actually Nixon's list with his name scratched out and Moe's scribbled across the top in this conversation

So naturally, the topic became enemy lists. We all started saying who would be on our enemies list when one of my co-workers piped up that she had a list going in high school and actually wrote it down. She stated it almost matter of factly "well, don't you have yours written down?" I was surprised because I guess I never reallh had a list of enemies and who would be on my list. I almost felt abnormal in the face of my co-worker's comments. Did anyone else have a list actually taken to pen and paper or am I in the norm on this?

In the age of partisan politics and unprecedented greed, it shouldn't be too hard to come up with a list. My enemies list might be more along the lines of institutions rather than individuals.

Devil's Enemy No# 1: Right Wing Conservatives. These are the worst of all in my list. Look, everyone wants to protect their nation, children, and keep what they earn. However, fucking over the system to ensure that the wealth of a nation stays in the hands of a select few by invoking God and demonizing free thought is FUCKING WRONG!!!! Simply changing the wording of things doesn't make something morally justifiable (i.e. the inheritance tax is now called the "death tax" by the conservatives to make you think you're getting taxed at death; you don't get taxed, those who inherit the money and who will reap the benefits of it are taxed just like anyone else who received a large lump sum of money; the intent behind the inheritance tax was a small bit of wealth distribution to keep money out in the economny). Oh yeah, the Nazi's did this with using gentle euphemisms to describe the extermination of the Jewish people.
Devi'ls Enemy No#2: Evangelical Christians. These are a close 2nd and go hand in hand with right wing conservatives. I love how these braindead fucks find persecution in everything. Simply because you can't have your children persecute non-Christians and monopolize our public schools with your beliefs doesn't mean you're a victim. See, what these braindead fucks forget is that little clause in the 1st Amendment that prohibits states from endorsing religion. Ooopps, they seem to have forgotten that the first fucking reason this nation was founded was to escape religious tyranny. How ironic that they actually think they're being persecuted now. And now they're calling for the recall of federal judges for one simple reason: they don't like their decisions. YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!!! If we recalled a judge everytime we didn't like a decision, no one would be a judge because somebody would be upset; after all, there is always 2 sides in a case, you braindead sheep. Maybe these folks are more hated than the right wingers .... hhhhmmm. Enemies No#1 and No#2 are why I'm seriously considering a move to Europe.
Devil Enemy No# 3: Mini-van drivers. This filthy breed is actually procreating at an alarming rate. They're stupid, horrible drivers who only exist to hold up traffic. They drive up and down main thoroughfares as if looking for an address constantly. Now, they've slowly began the migration to SUV's which is frightening because they're bad enough drivers now. Imagine how much worse it will be when the slovely suburban housewife with the Bush sticker in her back window is driving a Blazer. They could actually make 4 wheel drive uncool.
Devil Enemy No#4. Trashy people. I grew up in a working class, blue-collar family. What we lacked in material goods, we were given double in manners and work ethic. Just because you've never been anywhere doesn't mean you should act like it. You don' act trashy, loud, and obnoxious to call attention to yourself. Wearing 14 ct. gold jewelry doesn't give the illusion of wealth. Just because you get your nails done once a week doesn't mean you've got class. Wearing "name-brand" clothes with the name of the designer splashed across the front in huge fonts doesn't make anyone think you've got good taste. If you want to impress people, use some fucking manners and watch your language. People can tell more about you by how you speak and the words you use much more so than your outward appearances.
Devil Enemy No#5. Self-Important People. Let me give you an example of this. Say you're in line someplace and you're near the front. Then a second line opens up with the employee either looking you directly in the eye or saying something like can I help the next person in line. Then out of nowhere this guy jumps to the register and starts ordering. Or even better yet, you're at the front of the line and as you start your order, self-important guy or girl makes a beeline toward the front and begins his order without so much as a glance back. They should have bricks handed out anytime you get into a line so that if one of these fucks does this, you can just slam him/her on the skull.
Devil Enemy No#6. One Upper Guy/Girl. We all know this person, in fact, we may be this person and not realize it. ML was this person and I have friends who did this in law school. No matter what you're doing or have done, this person has done one better. For instance, I'd relate a story about how in college, there were 2 girls getting drunk and naked dancing with one another at a party. This person will have the same sort of story but it was 3 girls. When you tell a story, the very next line out of this person's mouth will start with "That's nothing.." or "Yeah, well, this one time ...". I knew one guy like this in college at the fraternity, so we would intentionally lie to see how far he would push it. Terrible bastard, aren't I?
Devil Enemy No#7. New York Yankees / Los Angeles Lakers / Dallas Cowboys / Brigham Young University. For various reasons, I will watch a game involving these teams only to pull for the other teams. My dad used to have a bumper sticker on his work truck that said "My team is any team that beats the Cowboys." I guess that sort of streak runs in my veins still ... heh-heh.
Devil Enemy No#8. Boy Bands or Britney Spears-type music fans. Music is not manufactured; it is to be the product of creativity and love. When record companies intentionally set out to find a group of people to fit their mold, it's about image, not music. 99% of these "bands" or "groups" don't play their own instruments or write their own music, so it's not music. Now, some vocalists didn't write all of their own music. I'm sure Etta James didn't write her own music. However, with her, it's about her voice and how she sings, not her image. By the way, Etta is fucking awesome. Plus, you don't "elect" an idol; you let him earn that moniker on his own merit.
Devil Enemy No#9. Racists. 'Nuff said here. This one is too easy.
Devil Enemy No#10. People Who Don't Like Reggae, Ska, old Motown, or Spanish Music. I don't so much hate these people as I can't figure out how these genres of music don't move you or make you happy. I've always maintained it is impossible to any of these genres of music and be in a bad mood. I'ts impossible; this music makes me want to move.
Devil Enemy No#11. Inappropriate Laughing Guy. This guy always sits behind me at the movies. He always laughs this really loud laugh at the most mundane attempts at humor in the movie. He that sort of guffaw laugh and he's almost always coupled with "What did he say" girl.
Devil Enemy No#12. Boring guy/girl. I work with some of these people (not you JHD). These are the people who are tired by 10 when you do manage to drag them out. They will sit around the table and simply stare with a comment here and there. These are the people who need to get wild and lose control more than anyone else!!!

Well, I'll revise this list as people make me mad or make the list. That's all for now. The Devil needs his rest despite the old saying "No rest for the wicked" ... that's a load!!!

1 comment:

JHD said...

I'm so glad you think I'm not boring. =)