Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The Costanza School Of Stalking

Once again, Trixie has brought joy into my life in the form of the ultimate diversion at work: stalker software. This brought many squeals of delight and looks of disdain from my fellow co-workers. Most found it amusing and immediately began looking up their ex's while some found it to be disturbing that one can find their address and a satellite photo of their house.

Now of course, most of the people who are disturbed are not stalkworthy. For the most part, I don't think middle aged guys with a mini-van and 3 kids are likely victims of stalkers. There probably aren't many 21 y.o. Britney Spears wannabe look-alikes standing by the back patio murmurring to themselves, "I'm gonna make you mine, you pot-bellied stallion." No, for the most part, most of us in general are not stalkworthy (and no, I'm not a married guy nor do I have kids).

Now I do realize that being stalked is a very scary thing. I've had female friends who've been stalked and it's terrifying. However, what I don't understand is the mindset of the stalker. What would make you give up all of your free time or otherwise just time to stalk someone? Is following this person going to make her suddenly realize, "Oh my God, although you've followed me around for months, I didn't realize until now I love you."?

Me personally, I'm too lazy. I'll be the first to say it. I'd subscribe to the George Costanza School of Thought when it comes to stalking. I'd get bored and probably leave after 10 minutes. If it's cold outside, you can completely forget it. My idea of stalking might be looking out the window and saying,"Hhhmm .. about 2 inches of snow out there. I think if I concentrate real hard I might be able to stalk by transcendental meditation ... Yeah, it's too cold to go out. Maybe there's a movie on .... ". And no offense to any of you my friends, but who would I stalk? If anyone is reading this at home, they've got just as exciting a life as I do which isn't saying much. Heaven help if someone decided to stalk me. It would be just as exciting as watching paint dry. Let me give you a rundown of what my hypothetical stalker might see:
10:00 PM: Devil sitting on the couch.
10:01 PM: Devil lays on the couch.
10:05 PM: Devil sits up on the couch.
10:07 PM: Devils goes into kitchen and has a snack over the kitchen sink so that he doesn't dirty anything.
10:08 PM: Devil goes back to the couch.
10:15 PM: Devil scratches his (substitute body part here as you please).
10:27 PM: Devil plays the all-time favorite bachelor game "Find The Smell".
10:34 PM: Devil determines smell and can't believe that just eating something would produce that sort of emination.
10:40 PM: Devil checks email.
10:41 PM: Devil realizes no one has emailed him in days.
10:42 PM: Devil assumes lounging position on couch.
10:43 PM: Devil debates between pizza or Chinese.

My stalker would be bored to tears. She'd have to break my window to liven things up. I'd probably obsess whether I'm acting the part of stalking victim correctly and seek to make amends in any way possible. I'd probably do things that would completely kill the spirit of the stalking. I'd go outside to talk with my stalker and it might go like something like this ....
Devil: So ... uh, did you get the sandwiches I left out here?
Stalker: Yeah, thanks for that; I mean, you didn't have to go through all that trouble. After all, I'm stalking you.
Devil: Oh no trouble at all. Think nothing of it. Just wanna make sure you're taken care of here. You could starve just sitting out here.
Stalker: Yeah, about that ... see, well, the truth is .. I don't think this whole stalking thing is gonna work out. It's not you, it's me.
Devil: What?... I mean, what did I do wrong? Is it something I did, because if that's it, I won't do it again.
Stalker: It's nothing you did; it's just that ... well, to be honest, your life is a little ... slow. Devil: Well .. it has been lately; but I'm expecting things to pick up. You never know .. exicitement could be just around the corner!
Stalker: Right ... well, look, I'm gonna go now. Really, it was nice stalking you and all and you seem like a nice guy, ok? Good luck.
Devil: Are you sure? I mean, my mom might call at any minute, errr....., I mean some hottie might be calling and trying to steal me away. I'm quite the catch you know.
Stalker: Yeah well thanks but no thanks, ok? And I did want to thank you for the blanket and the thermos ... the hot cocoa was great.

See, I'm not stalkworthy and I'm certainly never going to be a stalker. It's too much work and I've got way too much complaining to do. If I was out stalking or trying to create meaningful relationships or meeting women by trying to convince them I'm a marine biologist, I wouldn't have time to blog. And we can't have that, can we???

1 comment:

trix said...

i'm just glad i'm north of the border!