I'm Not A Chav?? .... Whew!! That's A Relief!!

Earth girl first clued me into this new phenom sweeping the UK, although I suspect it's probably been around a while. Here in the States, we might call these folks white trash, hoodrats, rednecks, or wannabes. It's those suburban kids acting tough at Starbucks or TCBY ("Yo bitch, I didn't ask for no whip cream on my frapucino, aight?"); driving Escalades with spinner rims, and monopolizing wife beaters. It appears that our friends in across the pond have devised a name for this menace to upstanding society: the Chav.

Yes, it appears that this sort of breed isn't restricted to George W. Bush supporters or inbred pockets of Appalachia in the States. Nope, it's a full-blown infestation. And from a comment about baseball caps, I was terrified I might be identified as being a chav should I decide to move to the UK. So I will use the guides to chavs to prove I'm not one:

1. Jewelry: Apparently, the chav is fond of all sorts of bling bling. Emulating Mr. T is a serious business with these guys. We have the same thing in the States. I always seem to come across some skinny guy in Wal-Mart with his pregnant g/f with enough cheap gold chains, rings, and earrings between the two of them to score about $100 at a pawn shop. I own 2 pieces of jewelry, a Fossil watch and my fraternity badge. Now the badge may appear a bit gaudy, but it's actually a pretty small. Plus, I don't think most people, let alone a chav, are willing to put up with a semester's worth of hazing, errr .... umm, I mean pledge educating, just to get to the honor of wearing one of these bad boys.

2. Sportswear: Now according to the website guide, the chav is quite fond of sportswear with a brand name emblazoned across the front. Well, like any red-blooded boy, I grew up with sports. I do have the requisite football jersey of my alma mater. I think the sports jersey may be the US equivalent of the chav sportswear choice. However, I can discount this because I think it highly doubtful that the kid with his cap turned sideways, wearing a Duke basketball jersey, cruising Kroger for a six of Mickey's Big Mouths, really attended Duke University. So I've got this one topped since I actually went to the school whose gear I'm sporting.

3. Shoes: Unlike the chav, I have several pairs of shoes ... and not all are sneakers. I have the requisite Sketchers, brown and black dress shoes, and hiking/work boots. Yes, I do have sneakers but they're running shoes and certainly not those bleached white Reebok classics.

4. Baseball caps: Here's where I might trip up. I do own several ballcaps. All have logos, but they're sports teams. I have the Arizona Diamnondbacks, Cincinnati Reds, Arizona State (I've actually got 2 or 3 different styles of this one), Army, and Univ. of Cincinnati caps. Of course, there aren't any Burberry caps and I only buy the faded worn in caps. I'm not trying to pull off that Fat Joe, no crease in the bill, new hat every week look.

5. Music: According to the website, chavs will listen to 3 types of music: 1. hip hop; 2. rap; 3. dance. Now, the occassional Dr. Dre, DMX, or Ludacris song may catch my fancy, but not quite often. I'm more of a Dave Matthews Band (try sampling "Ants Marching"), Jack Johnson (try sampling "Flake"), Blink 182, O.A.R. (try "Hey Girl" although "About Mr. Brown" is my fave), or Green Day kinda guy myself.

6. Movies: Now, I'm not a fan of Jet Li films, I don't think Vin Diesel is a great actor and I'm certianly not lining up ahead of time to see any movie with these guys in it. Sequels to most actions movies are no-no in my book (did we really need Too Fast, Too Furious??) and most horror movies bore me to tears. I doubt movies like Amelie, Cinema Paradiso, Il Postino, or any other indie film have a huge chav audience.

So, I think I might just be safe from the classification of being a chav, but then again, maybe declaring you're not a chav makes you one? ... Naw ....