Tragedy Strikes .... AGAIN!!!

As if the Patriots winning the Super Bowl wasn't enough to ruin my sports year, something every bit as terrible happened today. One of my 2 alma maters fired their legendary head basketball coach. If you live in the Midwest, you probably already know what I'm talking about. Bob Huggins was canned today. Get another job on campus (not coaching basketball) for his remaining one year or quit.

SI hated us. The Bearcats were the bad guys of the NCAA. We had every thug from every backalley court you could imagine. And I loved it. Cincinnati might not win, but we'll beat your asses up and you'll know you played us.

I understand that college is about the spirit of the game and that students are there to get an education. But let's face it; once you're an alum, you want to talk shit to your friends that went to other schools (or in my case, talk shit to my family that went to Texas Tech because they really think they're on top of the world with Knight there).

Since football will never be a winning proposition at UC or in Cincinnati, we had bball. There is the Crosstown Shootout with Xavier(Xavier has done pretty well lately, but it's sorta funny because for them it was their whole season sometimes to beat us while we were already counting on the big dance). UC kept civic pride when the Bungles and the Reds were stinking it up (and the Reds still are stinking it up).

But kiss those days goodbye. The timing of this was fucking terrible. You fire a coach right as recruiting starts with some of those being national prospects all but pulling Cincinnati from their choices. Of course, the President of UC didn't have the nerve to tell Huggins to his face. Apparently, he was coming off of a plane and found out as he unboarded that he had pretty much been shown the door. The President didn't want him around but didn't have a plan of action either. If you were gonna fire the guy, fire him in the fucking offseason when we're not IN THE MIDDLE OF RECRUITING!!!! Fire him about the DUI you're using as an excuse now to fire him. But don't wait nearly a year and a haf to do it only a few months before tipoff of the season.

To top if off, we're going into the Big East this year. We'll go from a perennial tourney team to a team lucky to get into the NIT ("Not In the Tournament"). We're going to be the whipping boys for the Big East.

Huggins went 399-127 during his tenure; roughly 74%. 14 straight NCAA tournament appearances. Imagine; a coach with a record like that in college football. That guy is going to be coaching at Oklahoma or USC. We had that here at UC ... had ... and now it's gone.

Something else to be considered is that Huggins gave alot of players a shot that they might not have otherwise had. Kids that might not have gone on to college or kids who walked onto the team. In a day and age when alot of other coaches are big time, Huggins was listed in the phone book. His kids went to public school. He was just a guy (with a temper at times) but he was just a regular joe. The next guy is gonna be screwed having to fill Huggins' shoes because no one will probably ever be able to fill them.

Forgetful Inspiration

Amazing what one phone call can do. While at Arizona State, I was a T.A. for a professor who ended up becoming a great friend and someone who I still maintain regular contact with. Pedro (Dr. Pete Padilla, right) has always been supportive and we end up talking for over an hour every time I call.

Maybe Pete is forgetful. Usually it’s something small that I can give him shit about like "you left your beer over there" or "we already saw her by the bar". However, on Sunday, it was something huge he completely forgot. I never thought I'd say it but forgetting was actually was a good thing. See, Pedro forgot that I’m applying to grad school this fall. Completely lost track of it even though he’ll be writing one of my letters of recommendation and reviewing my writing sample.

Our phone conversations usually start off with talk about familes. At graduation, he met my folks and they totally dug him. They always ask how he’s doing and vice versa. From there we progress to talk about work, what is going on with his teaching/research, and the Sociology department gossip.

So I start into my daily tirade about how my job is robbing me of my soul and stripping away my dignity. He then just out of the blue says to me:

“Hey bro, you know you oughta teach. Have you thought about teaching at the college level? You’d be great at it.”

I almost started laughing and was ready to start into full shit-giving mode when my brain synapses actually fired despite having to deal with brain-dead fucks on the phone all week at work. I thought to myself in a split second….

“He’s actually forgotten I’m applying to grad school so I can teach someday. If that’s the case, then really his statement that I should think about teaching college someday is really an unsolicited statement. He thinks I’d be a great prof.”

I laughingly reminded him I’m applying this fall and he remembered. I tell him what I’m doing and so on. I tell him the GRE is what is worrying me. I know I’d get in somewhere; the question is where and the GRE score makes that difference.

But once off the phone, I felt inspired again. It was as if someone who knew me but didn’t know my plans just outright declared that I would be a great college professor. I needed that bit of inspiration to push me to work on my packet and to keep studying for the GRE. Thanks Pedro!!

My Ohio Observations

Having lived here for 5 years now, I've noticed so many differences between the Southwest and the Midwest, so in the name of convenience, I've compiled a few of them here:

1. A tan is not synonymous with a great body. Simply because you spent a week laying out and drinking cans of Budweiser on the Redneck Riveria doesn't instantly grant you a killer bod. There are also an abundance of tanning spas here. Note: you're not fooling us in January with the tan; we know you didn't fly down to the Caribbean for a weekend getaway, not when you work at TCBY or Footlocker.

2. Everyone here smokes. I mean everyone. Men, women, children, priests, nuns, pets. Everyone smokes. There is absolutely no sense in wearing cologne to a bar or nightclub here. Nothing smells better than Aramis Life cologne and the stench of 100 people smoking GPC's.

3. There are no great local restaurants in my part of Ohio. Forbes did a write up about the best cities for singles. The review of Cincinnati was less than flattering. It mentioned that a night out in the 'Nati consisted of wearing your best sweats to a chain restaurant.

4. Everyone who grew up here loves classic rock. I don't get it. In high school or college at a party out West, if you threw on a Steve Miller or Bob Seger song, it was like those scenes in a movie when the wrong people walk into a party. The record scratches and everyone just stops and stares at you. Steve Miller can still sell out a show at a huge outdoor venue with about 1/2 the crowd younger than me while Ted Leo and the Pharmacists come to town and have to play some hole in the wall club. I don't get it ......

5. Mullets exist in huge abundance here. Male and female alike.

6. This state would be perfectly fine if every professional sports franchise closed shop leaving only Ohio State football. In the West, there is so much to do outside of going to college football games (especially in Arizona) that it's tough for sports teams to compete. Do you really want to go see a mediocre baseball team (yes, I'm a D'Backs fan) play a game in the middle of the day when you can go to Sedona?

7. This place seems to run about 5 or 6 years behind everyplace else. In other words, don't come to Ohio if you wanna see anything trendy. Mark Twain once commented that when the world was ending, he'd go to Cincinnati because it's always 15 years behind everyone else. For instance, the whole Fast and Furious car craze is barely beginning to take off here.

8. Any time I see a live band in Ohio, I can be assured just as certain as death and taxes that someone will scream "Play some Skynard" or "Freebird". Also, for whatever reason, cheesy mook rock bands like Nickelback can still sell out shows here.

9. BW3's seems to be more popular than any bar or night club here.

10. Kids here all know how to play card games. When I grew up out West, we were never inside enough to sit down to learn to play cards. I will probably never get into poker as a sport or play euchre.

11. Ohio has a weird state flag. Yeah, I know it's the only state with a pennant, but it seems that a state flag is meant to be just that ... a flag.

12. No one has figured out how to keep highways in good shape here. I see more orange cones on the roads here than the yellow dividing lines. When I first moved here, my car had just gotten new struts, shocks, and the alignment done. 6 months later, all 3 were shot.

Just a few of my Ohio observations. If you've got any others, just post 'em

You Deserve What?

Jerry Springer’s show has been the inspiration of many of my blog postings. I’m endlessly fascinated with people who seem to have little or no regard for decency (which may explain why I always post about the Republican party). However, this particular morning in my usual morning gauntlet of waking up, moving to the couch to slouch for another 15 minutes, fixing a sandwich for my early lunch, getting dressed, and cursing myself for staying so long at a job that kills my spirit a little more each day, I always have the TV on.

In the midst of the usual “I’m fucking another low-life” episode, one woman came out completely unapologetic. She starts ranting about how she was fucking another man and was there to tell her current loser all about it. Apparently her current fuck somehow lacked that something necessary to be successful in the world today … I think it’s called a work ethic. Anyhow, she rants that she needs a man who will pay her bills, pay for her to get her hair/nails done, take care of her kids, and treat her as she deserves to be treated.

This makes me wonder: what does someone truly deserve? There are the usuals: dignity, a fair shot in life, food, shelter. But when did it become automatic for every hoodrat on the face of the earth to feel he/she deserves to be treated like royalty.

Don’t get me wrong: we all want to be spoiled. Hell, I’d love to date someone who decided that for no reason at all to stop by and pick up a couple of dozen wings and a nice cold six of Newcastle. And vice versa, I’d spoil her as well. I’d show up with some cake frosting for her and a copy of Love Actually (plus some boxed wine and turkey so I’d fall asleep ½ way through the movie … heh-heh). But when in the hell did getting your nails done become part of what you deserve????

I appreciate the fact that this chick has self-confidence despite her thinking that “manual labor” is the president of Mexico. Really I do. However, when that chick looks like she bit a brick and when her old man makes Bush almost look like a C+ student, what gives you so much cockiness? Did you cure cancer or AIDS? Did you compose the 9^th Symphony? Did you write Don Quixote? Nope, you dragged your worthless ass from the bedroom to the couch watching re-runs of Laverne & Shirley.

Nope, this sort of arrogant asshole deserves to have to listen to Josh Groban albums over and over while eating Fazoli’s for 3 meals a day. These useless fucks deserve to be sterilized so that our future generations won’t have to worry about dumbing down the gene pool. These walking wastes of space should have to spend an eternity at Wal-Mart consuming moon pies, drinking Natural Light or Pabst Blue Ribbon, and having to act like they actually believe Toby Keith is an intelligent being.

We’ve become such a self-important culture that it drives me nuts. From the asshole who just walks to the front of the line at Salsa Fresh while you’re standing there double checking what you’re getting ready to order (yep; this has happened to me) to the jackoff driving in the left lane that suddenly decides he needs to make a right turn so he stops all traffic until someone lets him over. Society is out of control with these self-important fucks.

I guess I can’t even fathom saying that I deserve a woman with a body like Salma Hayek, the mind of Aristotle, loaded like Oprah, and the sex drive/naughtiness of Paris Hilton. I only deserve equal what I have done in my life. So at this point, I deserve the female equivalent of George Costanza. Do I deserve to be treated well? No better than what I treat my partner; anything more is a bonus. As with most things in life, the good guys are left behind while the unemployed fuck gets the gal. These sort of people are the reason why 50 Cent will sell millions while Common will only get critical praise.

Morning Views

This will give you an idea of some of the things I got to see every morning when I was in New Mexico.

I have this one hanging over the fireplace; as trite as it is, I dig Ansel Adams

Eagle Nest Lake in N. New Mexico ... absolutely gorgeous

Northern New Mexico moonrise

Mountains near Taos

Church in Taos

Hopefully I can convince some of you to post some pics of where you live. I'd love to see what your area has to offer!

Crazy Irish Chicks And My Near Brush With The TV Show "Cheaters"

So my friend from Ireland Edel is getting married next summer. We’ve been friends for a little over 3 years now and in fact, she was whom I stayed with during my trip to the Emerald Isle. It’s funny because normally, she’s the one who has fallen off the face of the earth requiring me to use every semblance of Catholic guilt I can muster to get her to write back. However, since my recent move, she has actually been the one who has been using that good ole' guilt. And it’s all because she is now a settled woman. She used to be the crazy one on the prowl, always out having a good time with plenty of booze and music, disappearing for weeks with not such much as an email. Now, she is the one who is asking where I’ve been hiding. She now worries about me working as much as I do with no love life to speak of. She is currently looking at her single friends trying to fix me up in an effort to get me to move over (she and her mother, my sweet adopted Irish mam, Annie are always telling me to just quit my job and move over there).

It’s a funny thing how life reverses course now and then. One minute I'm the one strutting the streets proud as the only rooster in the yard with a 100 horny hens. The next minute, I've become my mom and dad, looking forward to just getting home so you can take off my shoes, relax in front of the tube, and just veg on a Friday night. It seems Edel and I have both turned into our respective parents with the difference being she is engaged and the only commitment I have is a 2-year contract with Sprint (who by the way as a phone carrier absolutely suck ass). I often make the joke at work but it’s so true: nothing living relies on me for its existence … except maybe that fungus in the fridge. Maybe I’m still single in some part because of my greatest fear: getting married and becoming one of those Wal-Mart couples that aren’t really attracted to one another any more and just becoming more and more miserable as life goes on … (shudder). You guys know the couple … YNH sees them all the time …..

So Edel is now on the verge of getting married and I’m very happy for her. I’ll be flying over to Ireland in early May for the wedding (I need a date … lol ….any takers?) BUT …there is a bit of jealousy in me. Yeah, part of me says “Damn, that should be her coming over for YOUR wedding; not vice versa.” I even have to admit, I’ve even thought about ML’s crazy ass (don’t worry; it’s just a fleeting thought). It is hard to leave someone who is pretty hot and does it for ya' in the sack. But staying with ML probably would’ve meant I’d be on the show Cheaters with cameras rolling as I’d confront her and one of those cheesy “Chachi” sorts she always seems to having lurking around her (the guys with the spiked frosted hair, silk club shirts with the top 4 buttons open, sunglasses on all the time, enough jewelry to make Paris Hilton a wee bit jealous, and wearing enough Axe body spray to render a colony of rats sterile). The funny thing is, the more I think about the bad times, the more I realize that I’m better off alone and content than to be with someone hot and miserable. Then again, who knows? Maybe Edel will come through with some really cute, nice Irish gal and I’d find a reason to move to Ireland. (I can already hear Alan saying there are no nice Irish gals … lol).

Why I'm Turning Into My Old Man .. The Hispanic Hank Hill

It’s funny how supervisors at work will tell you not to get in over your head. They tell you things like “be sure to delegate some of that work out. That way you don’t get burned out, frazzled, and beaten down." So when a huge new side project came up at work, I jumped at the chance. Any opportunity to not have to deal with dregs of the legal world for a few hours is a welcome opportunity. Once I agreed to start taking on the new project, I was given the above advice because as part of the next promotion at work I would “need to learn to delegate authority”.

So I took the advice of those above me and delegated the work out piecemeal; a section here and a section there. This seemed to be the way things should be done, right? After all, I’m not stuck doing all the work myself and I’ve just got to play clean up guy. You know, just go in and make sure all the I’s are dotted and the T’s crossed. Not a bad gig. Well, apparently it was a bad idea. See, the project was supposed to be turned in Thursday to me so that I could look over everything and correct anything before turning it in. Of course, this doesn’t happen. In fact, one of the folks doesn’t turn in anything final until Friday night after 8 PM. Now this is supposed to be good to go first thing Monday morning. One of those I assigned some work to doesn’t seem to understand this at all because he calls me Friday afternoon and seems genuinely concerned that this project isn’t going to be ready first thing Monday. His ass might be a bit on the line because his division is going to be working this new product and those who received assignments didn’t receive some of the final specs until Wednesday night. It takes quite a while to get the information loaded up and ready to disseminate. But he didn’t give me his own portion of the work until Friday afternoon around 5 PM so I can't be responsible for time delays and running late with work to be turned in at a certain time.

So what does all this mean for the Devil? It means that I’m going to spend a lot of time this weekend in the office correcting, updating, and revising all this shit wasn’t turned in on time. Ultimately, it will be my ass that gets a chewing out as well because I did agree to take on the project.

Now the really scary part is that I’m turning into my old man. I vividly remember my old man sitting at the dinner table with my mom on early Saturday mornings (my dad worked for the railroad, so he had to work out of town during the week). He’d sit there with his mug of coffee and bitch and moan about how bad the guys on the jobsite were fucking things up. He was an assistant supervisor and had to certify "those fucknuts" to run certain machines used on the site. He’d go on and on about how he should’ve just done the damn job himself to make sure it was “done right and done on time”. Friday afternoon I found I was talking to myself and muttering the same sentiment, “I should’ve just done it myself and I’d would’ve been done by Tuesday.” (Not true considering a good chunk of the final specs for the product only came out Wednesday night). It’s funny how we start to morph into our folks as we get older.

I’m already like my mom in the sense that I can’t take a compliment. My mom is an amazing cook; I mean she genuinely kicks ass in the kitchen. I’m very spoiled in that sense so any woman willing to have me has a tough task (sorta like Debra and Marie from “Everybody Loves Raymond” although my mom isn’t as nosy or annoying). Anyways, my mom can’t take a compliment for her cooking ...ever! She always makes these amazing fajitas when I go home for the holidays and I’m always raving about them. My mom will always say something like “Well, the Spanish rice was a bit dry” or “The fajitas needed a bit more salt”. I’m the same way when it comes to work food-days. I’ll whip up a batch of my green-chile, cheese, and chicken enchiladas the night before where I’ll spend about 4 hours getting them ready. The next day, I’m always like “They’re a little bland” or “I think they dried out a bit in the oven this morning.” Ah well, it’s not the worst thing in the world to take on some of my mother’s traits. As long as I don’t take on my old man’s habit of pretty much dressing like the Latino Hank Hill (white t-shirt and jeans all the time), I think I’ll be doing well.

Keg Tossing And Just The Tip

Apparently a few of my old law schools buddies had this get together last year called the Drunk Olympics. The whole premise is this … everyone gets smashed and then you try your hand at athletic endeavors. At the end of the debauchery, medals are given (or some sort of plastic replicas I should say). This sounds eerily similar to those good ole' games we played in college at the Greek Olympics with events like the empty keg toss, team keg stands, and throwing shit at your fraternity brother's package.

This could be fun. It would be great to actually be so hammered that I feel that my short ass might have some basketball skills. It might kinda fun to not feel the pain associated with getting tackled by someone a good 50 pounds heavier than myself. It might nice to be able to blame booze for my lack of athletic prowess in some sports instead of my tired old excuse of “I’ve never played this before … if we were playing (insert sport not being played at time), then I’d kick everyone’s ass”.

However, one can easily see the downfall of this games. For instance, booze makes some people violent. With my luck, an innocent jab at someone’s mama could turn into fist to cuffs all too easily. Then there is the problem with puking. If you’re drunk, you forget all about the pain that normally your body would send out indicating “Hey dipshit, you’re out of shape, fat, and you’re gonna hate yourself tomorrow”.Instead, the booze will dull these receptors and then the stomach will do its own version of what happens to a Clay Aiken fan in a mosh pit at a NoFx show. In the Army on many of my weekly 4-mile runs where I'd spent the night before consuming booze and trying to convince 21 y.o. sorority girls how great I was, I'd pop a couple of 800mg Motrin to take the edge off. Of course, this led to a few ruined pairs of running shoes. Yep, the result being the involuntary release of the precious booze onto the field of competition along with those Cocoa Puffs you had that morning.

As for me, the best booze sports are those played at a local pub. There are the favorites like getting your friend to look at something below your waist where your fingers have formed the “o.k.” sign thereby subjecting him to several punches. Another pub favorite is to throw salt on your boy’s game; in other word to cockblock in a fun way. For instance, if I’m talking to a girl at a bar and it looks like I’m doing well, I could've always count on one of my fraternity brothers to walk over and say something like “Did you tell her about your herpes yet?” or “Hey bro, remember that girl we picked up that one night and it turned out she had a tree trunk? Well, he’s here again.” Then there’s everyone’s favorite "we're still getting to know each other" game. I believe Vince Vaughn in a recent movie role referred to it as “Just the tip”. Personally I think I’d prefer to play that game as opposed to drunken lawn tennis.

Life Altering Tragedy? Get A Makeover!!!!

I don’t know the name of this horrible show, but every morning as I’m getting ready for work, it’s on. It’s this syndicated talk show where 4 women sit around, drink coffee, and babble mindlessly about inane subjects that no one really cares about. No, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the latest sweaters for my Mexican hairless (I’ll leave that to your imagination … heh-heh). No, I could less about the newest fall fashions that can never be worn into the work place and will be out of style by next summer. No, I don’t need 10 hints to relieve the harmful stress where number 5 something lame like “talk a walk and go someplace quiet”.

But the worst travesty of this show is the makeover portion. Every morning, some poor woman who has had some sort of life altering tragedy is given a makeover. How fucking lame is that? Sure, the woman who just lost all of her worldly possessions when the packing crate behind Sizzler went up really needs about $20 in cheap makeup. That’ll get her on the right track to rebuilding her life. No, no … don’t worry about getting the woman some warm clothes and a place to stay; let’s ply her with worthless shit that our advertisers hock. Don’t worry about counseling for the woman who just lost both children in a tragic car fire that also burned 90% of her skin off. Just get her lousy clothes from the female equivalent of Merry Go Round or Chess King and cake on the makeup!! Plus, why does every woman get the same haircut? Apparently I’m unaware of the law that says that once a woman gets past 40, she must get that short, spiky old lady haircut a la Jamie Lee Curtis that says “yeah, I’m an old bag, but I’m still trying to act hip”. Just because she can pull it off doesn't mean everyone can.

The other tragedy of the show is that Jules Asner hosts. This hottie used to have Brooke Burke’s old job on that E! show, Wild On. Now she’s reduced to a poor man’s version of The View. Maybe they’ll get someone who can eat like she has 2 assholes to become the show’s resident Star Jones bizarro twin.

Unnecessary Cheap Quiz

the Idiot Savant (34% dark, 60% spontaneous, 61% vulgar)

your humor style: VULGAR | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT You like things silly, immediate, and, above all, outrageous. Ixne on the subtle word play, more testicles on fire, please. People like you are the most likely to RECEIVE internet forwards--and also the most likely to save them in a special folder entitled 'HOLY SHIT'. Because it's so easily appreciated, and often a little physical, your sense of humor never ceases to amuse your friends. Most realize that there's a sly intelligence and a knowing wink to your tastes. Your sense of humor could be called 'anti-pretentious'--but paradozically, that indicates you're smarter than most. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Johnny Knoxville - Jimmy Kimmel

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 16% on dark You scored higher than 83% on spontaneous You scored higher than 99% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

I think for those of you that know me, this quiz was really not necessary ..... Thanks to Trixie for this one!

Settling In

Boxes, boxes everywhere ... and enough paper to create a small forest in my front room. I've got boxes with books, boxes with food, boxes with pots and pans, boxes with clothes, and even boxes with boxes in them. I look like a transient with so many boxes strewn all over the place.

Now, naturally once you get moved into your new place, you need to get settled in. The problem is that I swear I have ADD and don't know it. I'll start in one room, say the living room. I'll start unloading a box there. I'll have things out of the boxes and start putting things in closets, shelves, and so on. Then the next thing I know, I'm in another room unloading something there as well. It's as if I'm so easily distracted that any small diversion can make my mind wander like a small child running after the ice cream truck.

The sad thing is that it's Wednesday and I still have things to unbox. Considering my odyssey, this isn't too bad. My old roommate from Cincy, SD, gave me a hand. We rented a U-Haul and started moving Saturday morning from 8:30 to about 3:00. The truck had to be back by 3:30. So we take it back and once back in my old place, I thought to myself "This won't take long. The heavy and big stuff is gone already." I figured maybe 2 or 3 loads in the Cherokee, right? I mean, how much crap can you accumulate in 2 years after all? I was wrong .... dead wrong. I was as dead wrong as ketchup on a hot dog or sour cream on Mexican food!!!

After SD took off, I started putting stuff in the Jeep. I took over my first load and unloaded. I was going along like then when I soon realized that it was going on 10 PM and that I had only made 3 trips to the new place. So I think "Well, I'm almost done ... tomorrow I'll be done by 5 if I start by noon." WRONG again ... as wrong as men wearing shorts with tucked in shirts or wrong as that free ball cap you get with a pack of smokes.

I started at noon and didn't finish until 11:30 that night. I made a feeble attempt to clean my apartment (actually I cleaned it better than the new one I moved into) and tried to unpack. All the next day at work, I walked like I had a corn-cob rammed up my ass because I was so sore. I hope that the next move I make is going to go much smoother than this ... next time I'm giving away so much shit to keep me from having to pack it so keep your eyes on my blog .. .you just might get something for free (and no, I don't mean give you something for free like V.D. or the clap).

New Dream Job

I started this post last week before moving and before I disconnected my computer ....

I think this is my new dream job. It consists of people sending in relics that are somehow associated with a family story or some historically significant event. Then, this group of investigators start to undig the whole story. They travel all over the U.S. trying to track down exactly what the origins of the relic are and how, if at all, it relates to the person who submitted it.

It would be the perfect job for anyone who likes history and travel (2 of my hobbies). Of course, I'd have to have some sort of background in something like antiquities or history. Plus, it would give you the background to do some family investigation yourself. Maybe it's just the thought of traveling around the US on someone else's dime that I like. Either way, this is my new dream job to replace being the manager of a chocolate factory run by big breasted hookers ....

Fat, Stupid, Minivan Driving Housewifes And Beans

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit. As I'm fond of noting, moving sucks. I've got a million boxes and a million little things to pack. But I just had to post about what I saw this morning. The pic to the right is about the only punishment fitting for what I saw this morning .....

There was an accident near my apartment so naturally the place is crawling with as many out of shape city cops as any donut establishment. So I get stuck behind about 5 cars, 2 of those being cop cars. We meander up the road a bit to the Interstate where I hop on the off-ramp and then would normally proceed to work.

As I'm about 100 yds from the off-ramp I see something that not only is dangerous but infuriating. A mini-van with a fat suburban housewife is driving up the off-ramp. Yep, she is driving back up the off-ramp because apparently this tub of shit is too lazy to read or is too dumb, you decide. Anyways, she nearly causes an accident with one of the cars in front of me as he jams on his brakes to slow down enough to get around her. Here's the worst part: there are 2 city cops right there .... and neither one of those useless sacks of shit does a thing. Nope; they both just keep driving as if nothing happened.

Now, if I had been driving up the off-ramp, you damn well know that those cops would've had me spread out all over the Ohio pavement like some sort of unholy bean spread (pun intended). They'd have cuffed, stuffed me, and probably dragged my ass all over God's green earth. But not the fat housewife ... not even a light or siren was ever turned on. These are the same cops I've seen follow a car load of black teenagers, pull them over, and have them spread eagle on the street no matter the weather (rain, sleet, snow, or shine). Sorry to rant but this just pissed me off so fucking badly, I was screaming at the cops to pull her over. Guess they were too busy looking for the next donut shop. Anyone else seen anything that has pissed them off lately?

Moving Sucks Ass

Sorry I haven't been updating as frequently. I'm getting ready to move which means one thing ... going through all of your shit and getting rid of stuff you've accumulated in the past 2 years. I mean, I don't need 3 phone books (I have only one phone line and I usually use my mobile 90% of the time). I don't need 3 types of glass cleaner. I don't need 3 half-filled bottles of Ranch dressing. I don't need that can of lima beans that I can't even remember how I got. Goodwill will be getting a ton of old t-shirts and clothes from me that I no longer wear. I have so many papers and letters that I thought were so important at the time, I would make a killing recycling those bad boys. However ..... with a fireplace I can burn alot of that stuff ... heh-heh. So please be patient with me and I'll be back to my old blogging self!

Questions, Questions, and More Questions!!

You can post the directions from the earlier post if you'd like to pass this on.

For Trixie

1. A movie is being made about the life of Trixie. Who is the lucky actress you chose to play you in the lead role ... and of course, who is going to play the devastatingly handsome, misunderstood attorney Cincysundevil? A title would be nice as well .....

2. Much like our heroine in the movie, Amelie, you're fond of "strategims" and need to let the man of your dreams know who you are. Who is the guy and what are you going to do?

3. For the sake of Canadian hockey (and Da' Leafs in particular), you have to do the nasty with either the lead singer of Glass Tiger or the lead singer from Loverboy (each in their current state; not in those 80's tight leather pants day). Whose world do you rock and give us some particulars.

4. You get to go back in time for 24 hours. Where in time do you go y por que?

5. You've been recruited by a super secret agency due to your game scores on those matching games available at the local pub. What is your cool new moniker and what will be your super secret specialty?

For my new friend, Seakitty

1. As you cross through a barren nuclear wasteland (a.k.a. New Jersey ... sorry Brooke), you mutate and endowed with super powers. What is your superpower and tell us about your new secret identity (hopefully it's a skimpy outfit too)?

2. McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and Arbys are all vying for the honor creating the new Seakitty sandwich. Who gets the honor and more importantly, what's in it?

3. Homer Simpson or Peter Griffith? Who are you giving it up to and why?

4. Larry Flynt needs a new "adult" magazine and he's chosen you to create it. Tell us about your new creation.

5. You're tired of paying taxes, so you become a non-profit organization, a.k.a. church. Much like the Church of George Costanza, you've got to come up with some tenants of your religion. What are they and will you still celebrate Festivus?

JHD, you know you want in on the action ....

Andi Nailed Me ... OK, It's Wishful Thinking But It Sounds Good!

Aaaaaahhhh .... the effervescent and half-nekkid Andi posted these questions for moi to answer ... and answer them I shall!! If you're feeling bored, you can comment on these bad boys.

Here are the instructions:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. If you could be any Napoleon Dynamite character who would you be and why?

Well, I'd prefer to be Pedro. After all, it's the obvious choice since he enjoys the short hair styles of which I'm a fan of. Yeah, yeah, yeah ... he's one of my peeps. But I've also harbored delusions of a political nature where I'd run for office, but I wouldn't kiss big corporate ass, hence, I'd never get elected. In all actuality though, I'd probably end up like Uncle Rico. Driving a bitchin' van (a.k.a. The Stabbin' Wagon) with one of those sweet heart shaped windows on the side, looking for the next get rich scheme, and trying to buy a time travel machine to go back in time where I could be the coolest guy around.

2. If you were a NASCAR driver (God forbid) who would you choose to sponsor your car and have plastered all over it.

First of all, I'd probably get sick and bored making left turns all day, having some yokels playing Toby Keith records, mullet-haired fans drinking Hamms and Pabst Blue Ribbon, and quoting Jeff Foxworthy all day. First of all the biggest sponsor would be something completely hilarious and offensive ... maybe like Astro-Glide lubricant. Then the sponsors who are the usual litany of bad taste .. .maybe like Hustler magazine or some really low grade men's magazine with a crude name like Shaved Snits where the girls have like bullet holes & stretch marks. Oh yeah, and maybe like Nike or Columbia so I could get some cool free gear. And the car's colors would be in some tacky colors or a plaid pattern. Or I could just go with the obvious sponsor and select High Times magazine. Then I'd drive like 20 m.p.h..

3. If you were playing truth or dare what is the grossest concoction you would dare someone to drink?

A bottle of Kirstie Alley's sweat from the last all you can eat Chinese buffet she bankrupted. Not gross enough? How about a pint of Rush Limbaugh's saliva after about 20 of those Oxycontin? A gallon of Star Jone's bath water? I could just liquify W's brain and make someone drink that .. but it would mostly be air and full of nothing substantive.

4. In order to save the world from bloody destruction, would you take one for the team and sleep with Rosie O'Donnell? Elaborate on the why and how.

This is a cruel joke, right? The only reason I'd do it is to save my family and of course, all of you that take time to read my drivel. I'd have to lay some ground rules. First of all, no kissing. Second, only doggie style so I wouldn't have to look at her. With my luck she'd say something in the middle like "Give me 8 inches and make it hurt!!!" Then I'd have to fuck her twice and hit her in the head with a brick.

5. If you wrote a book, what would the title be?

Well, it would have to have some sort of witty title like "I Know You'll Never Read This" or "Shit You Don't Wanna Know About". I think we all in some way aspire to write the great American novel but I could never come up with a witty title. I suck. Come to think about it, that would be a great title "I Suck".

New Digs

Remember my apartment dilema? Well it is now solved. I got a note about renewing my lease last month and I went in with a laundry list of what was wrong with the place. The leasing agent is a super sweet lady who sat there with her jaw dropped the whole time when I told her about the leaking ceiling that had been going on for over a year and she apologized profusely. So she decided to give one of those apartments I liked before with a W/D hookup and a deep discount of $10 more a month than what I would be paying for my current apartment (in reality it should be like $60 more a month). So now I'll have a new apt. with a fireplace! ( I can hear everyone saying "Great .. that's just what this guy needs. An excuse to burn shit in his house!"). I'll be settling into my new cubbyhole on the last weekend of the month!! Once I get settled in, I'll take some pics and post 'em .. WOO-HOO!!!

Whatever Happened To

I liked this new station alot being that I was a child of the 80's. I still love to watch those VH1 music specials with the great 80's bands that you say, "Oh yeah ... I remember that song. I used to love those guys." Then you watch the special and see that the lead singer now lives with his mom and paints houses on the side; or the lead guitarist is a now a businessman living in El Segundo with his son who now plays in the band with his old man. I wanna see them catch up with someone who is "living with his old lady" and working at like Circle K graveyard shift still driving that 'Vette he bought after their single hit it big. Quit giving me the life affirming stories and give me the dirt damnit!!

To revisit some of these bands, be sure to check out the greatest new radio station in the world (on the internet that is...)

http://www.woxy.com/vintage/

It is superriffic!! I get to hear all of those great 80's and early 90's bands that I loved like the Cure, the Stone Roses, the Ocean Blue, the Specials, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Erasure, Berlin, Bauhaus, and so many more I'm nearly wetting myself listening to it now. Right now it's the Cure's "10:15 Saturday Night" .... SUH-WEET!! And on another note, it looks like I'm ...... (see below)

Modest Mouse - The Lonesome Crowded West

What essential indie rock album are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Please tell me what album you are. I figured with my luck I might come out with an album like Ruben Stoddard's "Things I Like To Eat" or Ashley Simpson's "Buy This Because My Sister Is Famous", but my luck held out for once!!

Writing Up A Storm And Determining If I'm An Idiot

Remember those grad school applications? Naturally they all want a writing sample. So I dug up an old paper from my Immigration Law class and I'm revamping it. I've been doing additional research for the past few weeks and I started the rewrite on Saturday. It's amazing how much of a difference learning how to do real research helps. If there is one thing I can say about having to work in hell is that I have learned how to sift through huge volumes of materials and how to create smarter searches to narrow down what I'm looking for.

So Saturday afternoon I head over to my local chain bookstore (we all know the one with the B&N in their name) because ... well, they do have the Deathstar within and comfortable, quiet tables to work at. I started the rewriting process and let me tell ya .... I was rolling there for a while. I decided to rewrite the entire thing out first before typing it up again. I am already through about the first 3rd of the rewrite.

Now, while I was at said corporate bookstore, a lady close to my age (notice I didn't say young? ... heh-heh) grabbed a table behind me. Very cute, short, petite, dark hair with blue eyes. A definite cutie and no ring (it's the first thing I look at). But she sat down after getting her low-fat whatever it was she was drinking, put on her walkman, and started studying something with x-ray pics. So after about an hour, she walks over and very nicely asks if I wouldn't mind watching her things while she ran to the bathroom. Mind you, this is B&N in the more "upscale" (if you can call it that) part of town and there are only like 3 other people in the entire coffee shop area. But I told her that I'd be glad to watch her stuff.

This only brings up the Devil's own version of kryptonite ... how do you know when a lady is letting on that she might be interested? Now I've had guy friends who would insist that this was a signal. I don't wanna be that Chachi type-o-guy who takes everything a lady says as a come on with lines "I'll watch your books ... and I'll watch you while I'm at it." or "How you doing?". Every instinct I had was saying it meant nothing ... that it was only a friendly request. After all, she didn't want anyone to snatch her walkman and run out. Of course, I've thought that before only to have a nearby friend say "Dude, that was a total come on." Maybe I need to hire that Hitch guy to help learn to read signals.

My mind rationalizes this situation in different ways. In one case, it was completely friendly and she was just worried someone might run in and snag her walkman, skim milk latte, and books. It was a friendly request. But at the same time, she could've just walked over to the restroom and not say a word at all. Once I start talking to someone, I'm usually fine. But it's determining if that is a sign of interest or just a smile because my fly is open is another story. Now this opportunity has passed, but it's left me wondering if there is some general rule about how to read signals that a lady might be intersted in the Devil .....

Old Friends On CD .. How Soon We Forget!!

I love music. I really do. It's a passion of mine. I love "discovering" some small band that has great music that I can call all my own before they hit it big time just so I can say something like "Ted Leo and The Pharmacists? Are you kidding? I've been listening to them for years now. I'm surprised you only found out about 'em now!" So it was with great joy tonight I was going through a series of recorded CD's when I popped one in and found that I loved every song on it. It was my "Next 20" CD ... roughly those songs just outside my all-time Top 20. I savored every song and here is the list ...

1. "Mannish Boy" - Muddy Waters : Fucking brilliant song. I remember this one from Better Off Dead when John Cusack drives his bitchin' Camaro out of the garage.
2. "Saint Behind The Glass" - Los Lobos: Brilliant song from one of my fave bands. These guys are so versatile; they'll play straight rock one minute, whip out the accordion and start in with the old Mexican standards the next.
3. "Blister In The Sun" - Violent Femmes: Aaaahhh, yes!! I grew up in the 80's; but when I hit a bar here and this plays, I'll notice people who are all of 22 singing this one.
4. "Boom Boom" - Big Head Todd & The Monsters: It's not often I like a remake, especially of this song. The original is so gritty, so raw, so awesome that it would take a damn good remake to get to me. With John Lee Hooker on this one, they did it.
5. "Simmer Down" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones: I will always love ska and probably will always love ska-punk. I always thought the Bosstones were at their best when they did more of the ska sounds and put a little distance away from the hardcore punk stuff. This Marley remake is brilliant.

Evan Dando of The Lemonheads

6. "Confetti" - The Lemonheads: One of my all-time fave bands. With opening lyrics of "He kinda shoulda sorta woulda loved her if he coulda ...", this song is one that you never forget and is always a welcome return.
7. "Hey Jealousy" - Gin Blossoms: This is one of the greatest Arizona bands ever (along with Jimmy Eat World and The Replacements). These guys play around Arizona State from time to time still.
8. "I Want You Back" - Jackson 5: Pre-creepy Michael. I earnestly challenge you to listen and not tap your toes or bob your head.
9. "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" - The Police: One of the most perfect songs ever. If I ever fall in love again, I hope this song will explain how I feel.

Aaahhh yes; The English Beat still get me to move in my chair as I write this

10. "Save It For Later" - The English Beat (or The Beat in the UK; thanks to Alan for explaining that one to me): This was the first ska song I remember hearing and I automatically fell in love with ska. Ska just speaks to me. VH1 tried to reunite the band but a couple of members held out. I was crushed they didn't get back together
11. "Love Plus One" - Haircut 100: This came out around the same time as Save It For Later. I loved this song as well. This band reunited on VH1 making the Devil very very happy.
12. "But Not Tonight" - Depeche Mode: I still love 80's synth pop with everything from Erasure to Yaz to Dead or Alive. I first heard this in the movie Modern Girls and I instantly had that special feeling for Virginia Madsen.
13. "Laid" - James: The perfect lyric: She only cums when she's on top!! Plus everyone tries to hit the notes after "you think you're so pretty ....eeeeeeeee"
14. "Panic" - The Smiths: Fun sing along about hanging a DJ .. not that Morrissey is a morbid guy. I have never seen so many people happily singing along about murder in my life. Let's all sing "Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ..."
15. "Amor Latino" - Carlos Vives: Irresistible beat. This guy makes traditional Colombia coastal music known as vallenato absolutely cool. This tune has one of the most irresistable accordion riffs ever ... yes, I did say accordion! Another challenge to listen to this one and not tap your feet, drum your fingers or move with the music.
16. "Lucha De Gigantes" - Nacha Pop: This is a beautiful song. If you've seen the movie Amores Perros, this is the song playing when Gael Garcia Bernal finally gets to make love to his brother's wife who he is love with. A little incestuous, very Springer-like but a damn good movie. My friend Edel from Ireland loves this song; she said "you needn't know how to speak Spanish to understand what the song is about".
17. "What's Going On" - Marvin Gaye: Oh how you can you hear this and wonder what has happened to music today. This song is so full of soul and passion, you can feel it.
18. "I'm Like A Bird" - Nelly Furtado: OK, I'll admit it. I've always had a thing for Nelly Furtado. She is flat out sexy, but when I first heard this when she performed on SNL, I loved the tune instantly. Deny it all you like, you find yourself enjoying this tune when others are out of the room.
19. "What I Got" - Sublime: This is one of those tragic rock star stories. Right when this band blows up, the lead singer Bradley Nowell overdoses. This band did it for me; some reggae, mix in some Spanish lyrics from time to time, just enough rock to mix it up. Absolute perfection to me.
20. "Roll Out" - Ludacris: I get to roll out my ghetto side with this. "Who dem girls you be wit' when you be ridin' through ..."; it makes for a damn good song to listen to in your car. You've got to wonder how ghetto a guy driving a Jeep with a Dave Matthews sticker in the back window can be!!!
21. "Live In A Hiding Place" - Idlewild: Simple acoustic song that is a powerful testament to stripping down the studio and just playing some great riffs. It's a testament to a great band with a great song.
22. "Chick Magnet" - MxPx: The nice guys of punk. These guys have been around forever and still somehow put out great tunes after all these years. The video for this is absolutely hilarious.

Molotov: A great Mexican band. Check 'em out!!

23. "Puto" - Molotov: Damn this song is that one I talked about listening to at Spring Break in Mexico. From what I understand, the crowd will chant Puto until the band takes the stage. The band has taken more of a political/socioeconomic turn with songs like Frijolero ("beaner" in English which of course is a derogatory term for Mexicans).

I highly suggest you find an old CD where you're not quite sure what's on it and give it a listen. Tell me what you hear on it!!

London

This is a tough post to write. I've thought about what I wanted to say and it's so hard to write anything that hasn't been said or expressed in some way. My thoughts and prayers are with the British tonight in this hour of terror. I'm glad that all of those wonderful bloggers in the UK are doing fine tonight and that they've come through alive and safe.

It's not a night for me to rant and rave about what the Anti-Christ and the other world leaders should do. It's a time to give thanks for my delivering my friends in the UK from harm and to offer up prayers for those who weren't so lucky.

The ironic thing is that Wednesday morning after the announcement that the Olympics would be held in London, I heard the best testimonial about the character of the English people. It was a story on ESPN radio I heard on my way to work that morning. The commentator was telling a story of how he was in London about 3 years ago at a great little pub. He was going on about how the English were accomodating and genuinely nice, patient, welcoming people. Unfortunately, a rude American decided that since it was raining outside, he wasn't going to smoke outside. Instead, he took a chair and parked his ignorant fat ass in the doorway, puffing away the whole time. The staff at the pub politely asked him to move to which this fuckstick refused all the while somehow blaming them for not having a covered patio for him to smoke under. This went on for some time and the American was just rude as fuck, but the staff never got rude, remained professional, and repeatedly kept asking him nicely to move because it was a fire code violation. The commentator raved about how wonderful the Brits were and how genuinely embarrassed he felt as an American at that moment. It's probably a strange segue but I felt that described the warm nature of the Brits perfectly. God bless the UK, it's people, and keep her safe.

Ohio ... Tat's mandatory, Shirt Optional

It's the 4th of July. A day to reflect on our freedom and partake in one of my favorite pasttimes: people watching. Ohio seems to have some pretty strict laws about fireworks, so I didn't buy my usual assortment of 1/4 sticks of dynamite and bottle rockets which I'd usually end up tossing at my brother.

SS, my friend from Minneapolis, is in town. She wanted to get a slice of Ohio life, so I took her to a nearby township's fireworks display. Boy, did she regret that. First and foremost, we have to park like 2 miles away and walk. Right away, it's like 94 degrees and sticky. Not pleasant.

Then she saw them .... hordes and hordes of them. Mullets.
We were surronded by them. Some of those guys had the mullets which to all mullets aspire; yes, the Super Mullet. Feathered with enough hair for a balding man to comb over for years to come. It was hilarious. My friend walked around with her jaw dropped the whole time as dads with mullets, moms with neck tattos, chubby daughters in half shirts, and cro-magnon sons milled about.
These folks were walking around with those nifty t-shirts with slogans like "Try to burn this one" (complete with a cheesy rendering of the Old Glory) or with some NASCAR car with a huge number on it as if I'm supposed to know who that guy is. Or, it was the other Ohio option when in public ... no shirt at all. This phenomenom seems to be located in the Midwest more than any place I've visited so far. In New Mexico, we had our share of these sort of folk, but running around without a t-shirt didn't seem to the norm. I can't drive over to Blockbuster without seeing some pale guy with a gut like Horatio Sanz out by his apartment drinking a warm can of Pabst Blue Ribbon with his ass hanging out so far that even plumbers think it's disgusting! Needless to say SS was shocked and will doubtless ever bitch about Minneapolis lest she remember her day among the unwashed masses that is Ohio.

Live 8

So it's Saturday and I'm waiting for my friend, SS, to come into town. She is the one that is always in a shitty relationship with a shitty guy. Sometimes I think she wants to be in love so desperately, she is willing to settle for alot less than she deserves. She always claims to be lonely when not in a relationship and hasn't learned to just like herself enough to be alone sometimes (at least that is what I think).

Anyways, I'm waiting for her twice delayed flight to come in and I'm watching some coverage of Live 8. First of all, everything is getting bleeped out on the coverage I'm seeing. Bleeping out Dave Matthews singing "Too Much"? I'm pretty sure I know the lyrics to that song and I don't recall any explicit swearing that would merit bleeping as heavily as ABC is pulling.

Dave spouting off his "filth" enough so to get bleeped on TV!!!

Next, who still thinks Sting is great? I mean, he's this weird middle aged guy now who is a much better actor than his recent music (I still long for the days of The Police and that stupid "Desert Rose" or whatever crappy song he sold to Lexus still haunts my acid reflux nightmares). Third, who keeps telling the Black Eyed Peas they're cool? Just because you've done a Best Buy commercial doesn't make you the epitome of cool (although Fergie from the band is hot). Isn't it about the 15 minute mark for them yet? And finally, The Who. Pete Townshend can still rock, but Roger Daltry is looking a bit slow. Yeah I know they're all like in their 50's. I'm just glad they're not trying to start a big tour like some other old band I know ... ahem .... Rolling Stones. There comes a point where you need to acknowledge that you are just too damn old to rock out; whatever happened to aging gracefully and bowing out to let the youngsters come up?


Anyways, I felt like such a dick on Saturday. There I am bitching because I had to wait to get into my airconditioned Jeep to drive over to the airport to pick up a friend with enough disposable income to simply fly in for a weekend while today in Africa, there will be 30,000 deaths. What an ingrateful prick I am!! I'm bitching about having to sit in my apartment waiting while someone is dying homeless somewhere tonight. It's disgraceful that 30,000 people die in Africa everyday ... yet in the States when one kid gets killed at a Costco because a 200 lb. box wasn't perfectly secured, we have to get all up in arms creating new laws. We have one American go missing from a Carribean nation and every news station in the States is there ... yet no one mentions one word about poor people dying everyday. After watching a bit of this program and taking time to reflect, this is one grateful Devil.

It Might Be Time To Move Out Of The Country

While some people may have just been a bit upset by this, I'm in total panic. Justice O'Connor is retiring from the Supreme Court. Now the Anti-Christ will get to make an appointment to the highest court in the land.

The Bush Legacy

Now some people again may be only mildly upset; I'm in total emergency mode. All I know is that if you believe in freedom, a woman's right to choose, freedom of the press, equal rights, and protecting the environment .. well, you can forget that now.

O'Connor was called the most important associate justice on the Supreme Court. This is gospel if I've ever heard it. I didn't always agree with her voting, but she was definitely a voice of reason on the court. She was the swing vote several times in cases which sought to eliminate a woman's right to choose. Now you can be sure the Anti-Christ will appoint someone very conservative, very evangelical to the bench. This is frightening considering that in America, the Supreme Court weilds such power. I never thought of Bush and legacy in the same sentence, but now I am forced to.

To double your scare, Chief Justice Rehnquist is talking of stepping down as well. So the Anti-Christ might get to appoint 2 nazis to the highest court in the land. There is almost no doubt in my mind that Scalia would be appointed to Chief Justice. I've had the "pleasure" of listening to this arrogant piece of shit speak at our law school. His legal reasoning might be sound when you look at the issue from his point of view. However, with the law, there is always more than one point of view on an issue. All I can is God help this nation ... 'cuz we're gonna need it.

The Dozens

Did anyone ever remember the show, Snaps on HBO? This was one of my favorite TV shows ever. The whole premise is playing the dozens or essentially a war of comebacks for yo' momma jokes; the two players go back and forth 'til one gets the better of the other. I still love snaps like the following ....

Yo' momma is so dumb the bitch got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away W's.

Yo' momma is so fat that the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks.

Yo' momma is so fat that she beeps when she walks backwards.

Yo' momma is so stupid that someone told her it was chilly outside, so she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo' momma is so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot out. (one of my all time faves!)

Just because you suck dick in a phone booth doesn't mean you're a call girl.

Yo' momma is so stupid she thought Fleetwood Mac was the new burger at McDonalds.

Yo' momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

Yo' momma is so ugly when she was born, the hospital had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

I know these are horrible and I respect mothers immensely ... but damn, I think there are hilarious. So what are you fave yo' momma jokes?

To Go Along With Modigli's Ponderings About Love...

After my ex-fiance and I went our separate ways, I was sent back to MacDill AFB in Tampa (It was either there of Ft. Bragg, N.C. ... let's see Tampa, FL or Fayetteville, NC? Easy choice). I was pretty broken up for quite a while. I felt alone, abandoned, betrayed, etc.. You name a negative emotion, I felt it. Now Tampa had this great old indendent movie theater that I absolutely loved. I would catch all of my off the wall indie flicks there and caught a movie that got me interested in whom I consider to be one of the greatest poets of all time, Pablo Neruda.

The movie, of course, was Il Postino. I have owned the movie since it was first available on DVD and I will always own a copy. This is one of my top 5 of all time. Anyhow, I began to read Neruda's poetry and one night I came across this great poem that completely describes the feelings of heartbreak better than any other I have read. It's a bit overused by fans of Neruda, but I do love it ....

Pablo Neruda - Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her

So if you're feeling a bit down, hopefully reading this will be a sort of catharsis to help you get out your emotions and start to heal a bit more. Watch the movie if you haven't seen it and you'll thank me for it.