Monday, July 04, 2005

Ohio ... Tat's mandatory, Shirt Optional

It's the 4th of July. A day to reflect on our freedom and partake in one of my favorite pasttimes: people watching. Ohio seems to have some pretty strict laws about fireworks, so I didn't buy my usual assortment of 1/4 sticks of dynamite and bottle rockets which I'd usually end up tossing at my brother.

SS, my friend from Minneapolis, is in town. She wanted to get a slice of Ohio life, so I took her to a nearby township's fireworks display. Boy, did she regret that. First and foremost, we have to park like 2 miles away and walk. Right away, it's like 94 degrees and sticky. Not pleasant.

Then she saw them .... hordes and hordes of them. Mullets.
We were surronded by them. Some of those guys had the mullets which to all mullets aspire; yes, the Super Mullet. Feathered with enough hair for a balding man to comb over for years to come. It was hilarious. My friend walked around with her jaw dropped the whole time as dads with mullets, moms with neck tattos, chubby daughters in half shirts, and cro-magnon sons milled about.
These folks were walking around with those nifty t-shirts with slogans like "Try to burn this one" (complete with a cheesy rendering of the Old Glory) or with some NASCAR car with a huge number on it as if I'm supposed to know who that guy is. Or, it was the other Ohio option when in public ... no shirt at all. This phenomenom seems to be located in the Midwest more than any place I've visited so far. In New Mexico, we had our share of these sort of folk, but running around without a t-shirt didn't seem to the norm. I can't drive over to Blockbuster without seeing some pale guy with a gut like Horatio Sanz out by his apartment drinking a warm can of Pabst Blue Ribbon with his ass hanging out so far that even plumbers think it's disgusting! Needless to say SS was shocked and will doubtless ever bitch about Minneapolis lest she remember her day among the unwashed masses that is Ohio.

8 comments:

MoDigli said...

so sad, but so true! We have some backward folks living in O-hi-o!

yournamehere said...

In Kentucky, we used to travel to Ohio for culture.

Okay, not really. Even I can't tell a lie that big.

Brookelina said...

And I thought Florida was bad. Culture capital of bad taste.

BeckEye said...

Reminds me of that line from Heathers..."Yeah but this is Ohio. If you don't have a brewskie in your hand, you might as well be wearing a dress."

Anyway, getting back to mullets...the best I ever saw was at the Lynryd Skynrd concert. Begs the question, what the hell was I doing there in the first place...well, we actually went to see Paul Rodgers who opened for them. But I digress, again. We saw this guy walk by wearing a union jack t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off, camoflauge pants and black boots. His hair was all gel-spiked to infinity on top and had a medium-length self-imposed mullet going on. I say self-imposed as it was obvious he had shaved out the sides of his hair himself. And in each shaved portion, he had written LYNRYD on one side and SKYNRYD on the other. It was a beautiful thing. I've never seen anyone else quite like him. Why I didn't take his hand and lead him off to the port-a-john so we could procreate is beyond me.

Cincysundevil said...

Mo-
I figured since you lived in Cleveland, the chances of you running into hilljacks was lessened!

Cincysundevil said...

YNH-
OUCH!!! Now that was a sweet comment!

Cincysundevil said...

Brooke-
Please come to Ohio sometime and you'll see the epitome of bad taste. I've actually seen women with mullets in abundance, acid washed jeans are still sold on the open market, and Naty Light is actually on tap at some bars!!

Cincysundevil said...

Beckeye-
You are absolutely awesome!! I love the Skynard story. I honestly dont know how you could resist a man with that much going on. I'm sure you still have deep seeded regrets over that one.