Saturday, August 13, 2005

Keg Tossing And Just The Tip

Apparently a few of my old law schools buddies had this get together last year called the Drunk Olympics. The whole premise is this … everyone gets smashed and then you try your hand at athletic endeavors. At the end of the debauchery, medals are given (or some sort of plastic replicas I should say). This sounds eerily similar to those good ole' games we played in college at the Greek Olympics with events like the empty keg toss, team keg stands, and throwing shit at your fraternity brother's package.

This could be fun. It would be great to actually be so hammered that I feel that my short ass might have some basketball skills. It might kinda fun to not feel the pain associated with getting tackled by someone a good 50 pounds heavier than myself. It might nice to be able to blame booze for my lack of athletic prowess in some sports instead of my tired old excuse of “I’ve never played this before … if we were playing (insert sport not being played at time), then I’d kick everyone’s ass”.

However, one can easily see the downfall of this games. For instance, booze makes some people violent. With my luck, an innocent jab at someone’s mama could turn into fist to cuffs all too easily. Then there is the problem with puking. If you’re drunk, you forget all about the pain that normally your body would send out indicating “Hey dipshit, you’re out of shape, fat, and you’re gonna hate yourself tomorrow”.Instead, the booze will dull these receptors and then the stomach will do its own version of what happens to a Clay Aiken fan in a mosh pit at a NoFx show. In the Army on many of my weekly 4-mile runs where I'd spent the night before consuming booze and trying to convince 21 y.o. sorority girls how great I was, I'd pop a couple of 800mg Motrin to take the edge off. Of course, this led to a few ruined pairs of running shoes. Yep, the result being the involuntary release of the precious booze onto the field of competition along with those Cocoa Puffs you had that morning.

As for me, the best booze sports are those played at a local pub. There are the favorites like getting your friend to look at something below your waist where your fingers have formed the “o.k.” sign thereby subjecting him to several punches. Another pub favorite is to throw salt on your boy’s game; in other word to cockblock in a fun way. For instance, if I’m talking to a girl at a bar and it looks like I’m doing well, I could've always count on one of my fraternity brothers to walk over and say something like “Did you tell her about your herpes yet?” or “Hey bro, remember that girl we picked up that one night and it turned out she had a tree trunk? Well, he’s here again.” Then there’s everyone’s favorite "we're still getting to know each other" game. I believe Vince Vaughn in a recent movie role referred to it as “Just the tip”. Personally I think I’d prefer to play that game as opposed to drunken lawn tennis.


A. Estella Sassypants said...

I thought I was going to COME UNGLUED when he talked about the tip. Never laughed so hard in my life.

Ruben said...

Hilarious, but I'll beg keg tossing isn't as much fun as midget tossing.

cammie said...

i really enjoy watching that episode of dumb ass...i mean jackass ... if i were a guy it might be more painful to endure though :)

Cincysundevil said...

That was definitely a hint that the movie was going to be great. I nearly died with the dinner scene.

Cincysundevil said...

Midget tossing may be more fun, but who wants to drink a midget?

Cincysundevil said...

That bit was one of my all-time faves. Why is it watching a guy get hit in the package is still so funny?

yournamehere said...

When I drink I don't participate in sports, unless talking utter bullshit is a sport.

yournamehere said...

Wow, Cincy, you're being bookmarked by John the spam slinging cocksucker. Lucky you.

Cincysundevil said...

I hope that utter bullshit is a sport because I rock at that game!

Fucking spammers ... I tell ya'; fucking advertisers will stop at nothing ... next thing you know they'll sponsor funerals so they can hock some more useless shit