Sunday, August 21, 2005

My Ohio Observations

Having lived here for 5 years now, I've noticed so many differences between the Southwest and the Midwest, so in the name of convenience, I've compiled a few of them here:

1. A tan is not synonymous with a great body. Simply because you spent a week laying out and drinking cans of Budweiser on the Redneck Riveria doesn't instantly grant you a killer bod. There are also an abundance of tanning spas here. Note: you're not fooling us in January with the tan; we know you didn't fly down to the Caribbean for a weekend getaway, not when you work at TCBY or Footlocker.

2. Everyone here smokes. I mean everyone. Men, women, children, priests, nuns, pets. Everyone smokes. There is absolutely no sense in wearing cologne to a bar or nightclub here. Nothing smells better than Aramis Life cologne and the stench of 100 people smoking GPC's.

3. There are no great local restaurants in my part of Ohio. Forbes did a write up about the best cities for singles. The review of Cincinnati was less than flattering. It mentioned that a night out in the 'Nati consisted of wearing your best sweats to a chain restaurant.

4. Everyone who grew up here loves classic rock. I don't get it. In high school or college at a party out West, if you threw on a Steve Miller or Bob Seger song, it was like those scenes in a movie when the wrong people walk into a party. The record scratches and everyone just stops and stares at you. Steve Miller can still sell out a show at a huge outdoor venue with about 1/2 the crowd younger than me while Ted Leo and the Pharmacists come to town and have to play some hole in the wall club. I don't get it ......

5. Mullets exist in huge abundance here. Male and female alike.

6. This state would be perfectly fine if every professional sports franchise closed shop leaving only Ohio State football. In the West, there is so much to do outside of going to college football games (especially in Arizona) that it's tough for sports teams to compete. Do you really want to go see a mediocre baseball team (yes, I'm a D'Backs fan) play a game in the middle of the day when you can go to Sedona?

7. This place seems to run about 5 or 6 years behind everyplace else. In other words, don't come to Ohio if you wanna see anything trendy. Mark Twain once commented that when the world was ending, he'd go to Cincinnati because it's always 15 years behind everyone else. For instance, the whole Fast and Furious car craze is barely beginning to take off here.

8. Any time I see a live band in Ohio, I can be assured just as certain as death and taxes that someone will scream "Play some Skynard" or "Freebird". Also, for whatever reason, cheesy mook rock bands like Nickelback can still sell out shows here.

9. BW3's seems to be more popular than any bar or night club here.

10. Kids here all know how to play card games. When I grew up out West, we were never inside enough to sit down to learn to play cards. I will probably never get into poker as a sport or play euchre.

11. Ohio has a weird state flag. Yeah, I know it's the only state with a pennant, but it seems that a state flag is meant to be just that ... a flag.

12. No one has figured out how to keep highways in good shape here. I see more orange cones on the roads here than the yellow dividing lines. When I first moved here, my car had just gotten new struts, shocks, and the alignment done. 6 months later, all 3 were shot.

Just a few of my Ohio observations. If you've got any others, just post 'em


yournamehere said...

You hit the nail on the head. People from Cincinnati always looked at people from Louisville as rednecks, but there are a lot of good local restaurants in Louisville and not as many in Cincy. However, if you ever have a VERY special occasion to celebrate, Cincy's The Masionette is the region's only five star restaurant. Five star restaurants are rare. Las Vegas has a million gourmet places on the Strip but only one or two get that fifth star. I always wanted to eat at the Masionette but never won the lottery.

Lindsay said...

This post was hilarious. I never understood why people are so obsessed with tans. Growing up in the CA desert, you just kinda got 'em naturally. When I went to school in DC, though, all the non-sunny state people were OBSESSED with tanning. "Oh shit, the sun's out! Quick, grab your towel and let's lay out on the tiny spot of grass so we can turn bright red and hope that it will turn into a tan eventually!" England is even worse, though..."30-second" tanning salons EVERYWHERE. I just want to tell these are're not meant to tan!! (heh, one of my pet peeves)

Oh, and I've only been to Ohio once...I was visiting family in Michigan and they took me to Cedar Point and...the rock n roll hall of fame museum in Cleveland (lol)

IndependentGrl said...

Well I don't remember much from my two journeys to Ohio, but I assume that parts of Ohio are not that different from my side of fact, for a few minutes I thought you were referring to Pittsburgh (until you got to the restaurant section - Pittsburgh's got some great places to dine...and drink!)

Ruben said...

Hilarious post! Ohio sounds like that crapper hole of a state Mississippi. I had to go there to attend my grandfather's funeral and good Lord I thought I'd die just from the fumes from the people's breath.

cammie said...

in response to number one...fat does look better tan. :)

Cincysundevil said...

The sad thing for the 'Nati now is that the Masionette closed up as well. The business in downtown wasn't enough to justify it's location. Everyone who I know has been to Louisville has had the best time. You never really hear someone say that about Cincinnati.

Cincysundevil said...

I can't picture people in the UK with tans. It's unnatural. You're so right about growing up the Southwest; tans just sort happen. It was funny in college because during Spring Break, we saw it more as a week off rather than a week to go someplace warm. We were already in Arizona, why go someplace else? It was more of a week for us to showcase our awesome location.

Next time you hit Ohio, let me know. I'll take ya out and show ya the sights around here ... then an hour later we'll get beers!

Cincysundevil said...

Ya know, I was planning on doing law school at Pitt until about 2 months before classes started. Then Cincinnati gave me a huge scholarship (those bastards!!). I was "dating/sleeping with" a girl going to CMU at the time. Hopefully I'll get to catch a Steelers game sometime. I've got a friend whose old man always gets free tickets and never uses them.

Cincysundevil said...

LOL .. I haven't been to Mississippi except to pass through on my way home from Florida. I'll be sure to avoid it like the plague now!!

Cincysundevil said...

LOL ... maybe it does look better. But it doesn't entitle Rosie O'Donnell look a likes to wear a baby doll t-shirts in public

trix said...

aramis life...pretty good choice, keep wearing it. and cincy can't be all that bad? sounds one of a kind anyways.

Elenamary said...

#2. Columbus, Ohio is a smoke free city in all bars and restuarants. I go home smelling almost as fresh as when I went out.

#3. Ohio has quite a few ethnic restaurants unfortunatly they are not well known and usually only people from their own ethnic group know about it.

#10. Everyone in Ohio seems to know how to play Eucre (eucher) (sp?). I don't get it.

#11. Our flag is great don't you dare say anything about it! We are unique just like our flag.

Cincysundevil said...

Thanks for compliment on my cologne. Cincy does have it's good parts, just not as many as what I'd like. It's far too conservative; I mean really conservative, like a Bush stronghold

Cincysundevil said...

Didn't mean to piss you off ... lol. I think I'd like Columbus much more so than where I'm at now. The smoking thing kills me. I seriously consider not even wearing cologne or anything nice because I'm gonna come out smelling like smoke.

As for the restaurants, you're right. I have found a few small hole-in-the-wall Mexican places I like quite a bit. However, when I ask for pizza, people will either refer me to LaRosas or Papa Johns. It's amazing that chain restaurants really rule the roost in this part of the state.

Also, I guess I'm olf fashioned. I like a flag to be a flag. It gives ya more room to scribble in!

Tish said...

Great stuff! Haha. I've been to Ohio a few times, but I've spent very little time there. I'll be up there for work probably in October. We have a facility in Toledo, and I'll probably start traveling up there from time to time. By the way, thanks for the nice remarks on my blog. :)

MoDigli said...

YOu've totally got it covered, Cincy!!!! LMAO!!! Ohio is in a total time warp, but I will say that at least here in Cleveland, we do appreciate GOOD live music BESIDES Skynard! And there really is some serious rock and roll going on here. But, alas, the positives are so hard for me to find anymore!