Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I, as usual, will be single. I'll get no Valentines (except from my mom and my sisters); I won't be going to dinner with someone special; there will be no candlelight dinner when I arrive home. Instead, my tubby ass will be on an eliptical trainer sweating out years of gravy and ribs. In honor of such a romantic occasion, today's Top 5 will focus on most likely what I and the rest of the bitter singles in this world will be doing: masturbating. So here we go ......
Top 5 Euphemisms For Masturbation
5. Spankin' the Monkey : I've never understood this one. I mean, I can understand calling your guy a monkey ... monkey are hairy ... monkeys are mischievous. But spanking it? I guess you're spanking that mischievous hairy guy? I think I'm thinking too much about this one.
4. Holding Your Sausage Hostage : Imagine the scene as the negotiator is on a bullhorn trying to "talk you down". I love this one; it's a classic and the imagery is too great.
3. A Little Me Time : Sounds innocuous, doesn't it? Why we all need time to get know ourselves. I've said it before, I'm my own best friend. And don't worry; I don't just use myself. I light some candles, treat myself to dinner. It's all romantic and shit.
2. Rub One Out : One? Hell, I need to rub out like 3 or 4 at a time!!
1. Five Knuckle Shuffle : This sounds like some old 30's vaudeville card trick. Oh, it's a trick all right. Only I win every hand ... and I mean every hand.
And to top it off, I'll even give you some advice from my good friend Dave Attell on what to do if you get caught: 1) Act surprised ... and don't worry, you will be surprised since your fantasy world has just collapsed; 2) Yell "Get some help! My hand and my peni are having a fight"; 3) Next explain "Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito; we got ourselves a battle royale." Enjoy the day .... and ladies, think about me during your "special" time.
6 comments:
Hey! We're in this together my friend. No Valentine on Valentine's Day. I hate this stupid hoilday! Today, one of the teachers walked around campus with a HUGE button that said "Remember the Date: February 14th! I wanted to slap that crap right off of her shirt. Dumb, stupid holiday!
Am I bitter? Yes! Would my opinion of this holiday be different if I weren't single? Probably - I am not going to lie.
So, hang in there tomorrow. In 24 hours it will all be over. Oh yeah...enjoy your...ummm..."me time!"
:-)
YAY! Another Valentine Day hater, "I'm not alone" ;)
no valentines for me either.
I absolutely LOVE your alternate plans.
I didn't even get to have my fuckin' V-Day "me time." Because I was on a trip and had to room with someone.
And I call it, "play." Because it's cute and frankly that's what I do in the sack in general. Play.
Cheers to playing.
Kelly-
That's okay. Let's look at it this way; we both saved a shitload of money instead of buying overpriced, poor quality shit today!
MG-
Welcome! Thanks, hopefully I'll have enough energy to enjoy my alt VDay.
Andi-
We'll get to "play" with one another in Mexico all we want ;)
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