Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Top 5 Tuesday

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I, as usual, will be single. I'll get no Valentines (except from my mom and my sisters); I won't be going to dinner with someone special; there will be no candlelight dinner when I arrive home. Instead, my tubby ass will be on an eliptical trainer sweating out years of gravy and ribs.

In honor of such a romantic occasion, today's Top 5 will focus on most likely what I and the rest of the bitter singles in this world will be doing: masturbating. So here we go ......

Top 5 Euphemisms For Masturbation

5. Spankin' the Monkey :
I've never understood this one. I mean, I can understand calling your guy a monkey ... monkey are hairy ... monkeys are mischievous. But spanking it? I guess you're spanking that mischievous hairy guy? I think I'm thinking too much about this one.

4. Holding Your Sausage Hostage : Imagine the scene as the negotiator is on a bullhorn trying to "talk you down". I love this one; it's a classic and the imagery is too great.

3. A Little Me Time :
Sounds innocuous, doesn't it? Why we all need time to get know ourselves. I've said it before, I'm my own best friend. And don't worry; I don't just use myself. I light some candles, treat myself to dinner. It's all romantic and shit.

2. Rub One Out :
One? Hell, I need to rub out like 3 or 4 at a time!!

1. Five Knuckle Shuffle :
This sounds like some old 30's vaudeville card trick. Oh, it's a trick all right. Only I win every hand ... and I mean every hand.

And to top it off, I'll even give you some advice from my good friend Dave Attell on what to do if you get caught: 1) Act surprised ... and don't worry, you will be surprised since your fantasy world has just collapsed; 2) Yell "Get some help! My hand and my peni are having a fight"; 3) Next explain "Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito; we got ourselves a battle royale." Enjoy the day .... and ladies, think about me during your "special" time.


MsAbcMom said...

Hey! We're in this together my friend. No Valentine on Valentine's Day. I hate this stupid hoilday! Today, one of the teachers walked around campus with a HUGE button that said "Remember the Date: February 14th! I wanted to slap that crap right off of her shirt. Dumb, stupid holiday!

Am I bitter? Yes! Would my opinion of this holiday be different if I weren't single? Probably - I am not going to lie.

So, hang in there tomorrow. In 24 hours it will all be over. Oh yeah...enjoy your...ummm..."me time!"


M G said...

YAY! Another Valentine Day hater, "I'm not alone" ;)

no valentines for me either.

I absolutely LOVE your alternate plans.

Andi said...

I didn't even get to have my fuckin' V-Day "me time." Because I was on a trip and had to room with someone.

And I call it, "play." Because it's cute and frankly that's what I do in the sack in general. Play.

Cheers to playing.

Cincysundevil said...

That's okay. Let's look at it this way; we both saved a shitload of money instead of buying overpriced, poor quality shit today!

Cincysundevil said...

Welcome! Thanks, hopefully I'll have enough energy to enjoy my alt VDay.

Cincysundevil said...

We'll get to "play" with one another in Mexico all we want ;)