Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I, as usual, will be single. I'll get no Valentines (except from my mom and my sisters); I won't be going to dinner with someone special; there will be no candlelight dinner when I arrive home. Instead, my tubby ass will be on an eliptical trainer sweating out years of gravy and ribs.
In honor of such a romantic occasion, today's Top 5 will focus on most likely what I and the rest of the bitter singles in this world will be doing: masturbating. So here we go ......
Top 5 Euphemisms For Masturbation
5. Spankin' the Monkey : I've never understood this one. I mean, I can understand calling your guy a monkey ... monkey are hairy ... monkeys are mischievous. But spanking it? I guess you're spanking that mischievous hairy guy? I think I'm thinking too much about this one.
4. Holding Your Sausage Hostage : Imagine the scene as the negotiator is on a bullhorn trying to "talk you down". I love this one; it's a classic and the imagery is too great.
3. A Little Me Time : Sounds innocuous, doesn't it? Why we all need time to get know ourselves. I've said it before, I'm my own best friend. And don't worry; I don't just use myself. I light some candles, treat myself to dinner. It's all romantic and shit.
2. Rub One Out : One? Hell, I need to rub out like 3 or 4 at a time!!
1. Five Knuckle Shuffle : This sounds like some old 30's vaudeville card trick. Oh, it's a trick all right. Only I win every hand ... and I mean every hand.
And to top it off, I'll even give you some advice from my good friend Dave Attell on what to do if you get caught: 1) Act surprised ... and don't worry, you will be surprised since your fantasy world has just collapsed; 2) Yell "Get some help! My hand and my peni are having a fight"; 3) Next explain "Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito; we got ourselves a battle royale." Enjoy the day .... and ladies, think about me during your "special" time.