How Long Would You Wait?

It's almost here ...

or at least they're making one of the greatest novels ever written into a movie.

God, please let them do this right.

If they keep the movie half as good as the novel, this will be one of the best movies of the past 10 years.

Top 5 Tuesday

Sure, we all get a little lazy from time to time. Some of us will go a couple of days without doing the dishes; some of us will lounge on the couch all weekend; some will even go a couple of days without showering. All in all, we can all be lazy sots and I was this whole week. But I look forward to my Tuesday posts and thought this would be a great topic.

Again, work inspired this post. It started off with a couple of us going over the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" with the whole "You know how I know you're gay?" shtick. Then it progressed into snaps. For those of you not familiar with snaps or the dozens, basically it's "yo mama'" jokes that are hurled at one another 'til one is burnt to a crisp.

So, without further adieu, I give you ...

Top 5 Yo Mama Jokes Told This Morning At Work

5. "Yo mama's so bald that you can see what's on her mind."

4. "Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shootout."

3. "Just because yo sister sucks dick in a phone booth does not mean she's a call girl."

2. "Yo mama wears a wig with a chinstrap".

1. "Yo mama is so black, when she gets out of her car the oil light goes off."

Naturally, there are a few that didn't make the Top 5 such as "Yo mama's glasses are so thick that she can see into the future"; "Yo mama's hair is so short that you can see whats on her mind"; "Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles traffic slows down".

Got any "Yo mama" jokes .......

Top 5 Tuesday

I have always been a fan of really bad humor, be it Jackass or yo mama jokes. Yes, these will certainly be future Top 5 topics.

But seeing as I have to get my ass back into the dating world sooner or later, I am definitely in need of learning some new pickup techniques. Not all of us can be some tall, dark, and handsome ladykiller like my mine here. Some of us need a little equalizer to help us get with the ladies. And what gets the ladies better than a cheesy pickup line? Not much I tell you. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ..........

Top 5 Pickup Lines

5. "How you doing?" : Yeah, this was from Friends. I know I should never quote from a show that purported to be in NYC but never had a black or Puerto Rican character until like season 20. But let's face it; Joey was a man-gina. A he-ho. This line worked then and it may still work now.

4. "Do you have any Mexican in you? No ... would you like some?" : Sure, it's tacky. Sure, it's absolutely sleazy. But any woman that would respond positively to this is special. No, not the riding the small bus to school special.

3. "Why don't the two of us make like a tree and get out here." : I don't get this one either. But it sounds good if you're drunk.

2. "Whenever you're ready to leave, I'll be over there." : This may be one of the greatest pickup lines ever. I have seen it work though. A friend walked over to some very cute girl and gave her this line. He knew nothing about her, hadn't talked to her all night. Gave her this line, she laughed, and started talking.

1. "So how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?" : Just terrible; terrible. But I laughed my ass when I first heard it. Someday Mrs. Cincysundevil will laugh just as hard at how ridiculous this line is.

So what are your fave pickup lines?

Confirmation Is A Bitch

If you've read my ramblings lately, you'll know that I was moaning about the diet that my trainer has put me on. I was also getting the sneaking suspicion that he might have quit or have moved on since he hadn't been heard from in a few days.

Well, as of tonight, no one has heard from him. So here I am, my insides turning to liquid with the amount of fruit and yogurt in my gullet and he's not around. I am getting frustrated with the lack of consistency at my gym. This will be the 4th change of trainers I've undergone since starting back in October. The work outs are pretty standard, but they've each got their own philosophy about working out and diet and how to get the most out of me.

Tonight's workout was pretty tough. I did my own workout and did a shitload of ab work. Guys will relate to this .. if you've ever been kicked in the sack HARD, you feel it all the way up into your gut. That's what tonight's ab workout was like. Hopefully it'll pay off. If I ever get the washboard abs, I'll post a pic for the ladies ... even though they'll just have that post sent to their spam folder.

Damn You Frank Miller ... And Thank You

I could never try any hard drug. Seriously, I'm terrified of becoming addicted. That's because I have this addictive or compulsive nature. Once I become interested in something, I become completely consumed by it.

Example: the whole Jackass thing. I still love this show. Once I started watching the show, that was it. My friend P and I in law school were there on opening night laughing so hard, we had headaches afterwards. I tried to get everyone interested in my obsession. To this day, when I have to create sample forms or templates, I always use Johnny Knoxville or Steve O as the examples and Chris Pontius or Ryan Dunn as extras.

Right now, I'm completely obsessed with the Battle of Thermopylae. You see, about 3 months ago, I went to see Saw 3 (It's was a friend's choice, not mine) and one of the previews was for the new movie 300. That's all it took. That night, I went home and immediately started to look up information on the film.

It's an adaptation of an older Frank Miller graphic novel "300", which is loosely based on the Battle of Thermopylae. I remembered the name because in leadership school in the Army, we learned about using terrain and other naturally occurring factors to overcome superior numbers and arms. The movie trailer just brought it all home for me. So thanks to Frank Miller who has made me an even bigger history addict than I already am!!! He gave us Sin City and now he's giving us 300. It's like he's some sort of pusher.

But as for the battle, imagine setting out from home with about 300 soldiers knowing that you will never return. You are heading to your death, there is no ifs, ands or buts about it. It's a certainty. And yet, you go. I can't even fathom the Spartans thoughts as their home left their sight knowing it was the last time they would see it. The moment that they had trained for their entire life was to die on a battlefield far from home. Did they secretly weep? I know historical accounts paint the Spartans almost as emotionless robots, but they were human after all.

So Sparta and the Battle of Thermopylae are my newest obsession. I just ordered a book from Amazon on the topic and I'm excited to tear into it. Before long, I'll give you a bit about why Sparta had the right idea and why it would never work today.

I'm So Weak

I broke down tonight and had a slice of pizza and a Coke Zero. I know, I'm a weak bastard .... forgive me Father.

I called over to the gym on Friday to speak with my trainer who wasn't available, which was strange. He's always there ... I mean, he's got clients every day. So I'm beginning to wonder if he is no longer with the gym. That appears to be a huge problem in Atlanta with trainers; they're sorta fluid. One will be there about 3 or 4 months, then move on.

Anyways, I was told my trainer hadn't been there since Monday. So I called on Friday and spoke to one of the certified nutritionists. I explained my diet and that I was so fucking hungry despite having eaten like 6 Fuji apples, 4 containers of yogurt, 2 whey protein drinks, 2 quarts of water with lemon, and a small container of blueberries all by 2 in the afternoon. I explained how normally, 40 minutes on an elliptical trainer is a good workout but on Thursday, I was struggling after 15 minutes. I had no energy. SO the nutritionist said to start adding in salad and green leafy veggies into my diet.

Tonight was the breaking point. I had a slice of pizza and a Coke Zero. It was sooooo fucking good. I don't want to eat anything sweet for a little while; at least, not for tonight. I know I'm weak, but I'll get back to the diet here shortly.

Now I'm off to eat a salad with a ton of veggies in it and some Caesar vinagrette (my fave dressing and very low cal). God, I sound like a teenage girl worrying about her weight ..........................

I Feel Like The Clown In The Pic

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. You see, in my fruitless efforts to get rid of my buddha, my trainer has put me on a diet. And not just any diet ... nope, this is one of those colon-cleansing diets.

I don't think he really knows what's he doing to be honest. I mean, sure he's cut as hard as a diamond. Yeah, he totally motivates me during workouts. He can squeeze that extra rep or two out of me when I might normally admit muscle failure and walk away to the next exercise.

But this diet is a bit ridiculous. He's got me eating only certain things for one week and it's killing me. All I can eat is yogurt (fruit flavors only with those active cultures); apples; papaya; blueberries; grapefruit; whey protein; and tons of water. All of this is supposedly designed to make me shit like I've got two assholes.

There is no grilled chicken with no skin. No lettuce. No broccoli. In other words, I'm limited to these few foods and you know what? He's ruining foods that I love. I love yogurt. I love Fuji apples (I can tear through a bag in a weekend). But right now, I don't want to eat anything sweet at all. I'd love to eat something hot. I'd love some meat.

We'll see how long I can take it before I break down.

Top 5 Tuesday

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I, as usual, will be single. I'll get no Valentines (except from my mom and my sisters); I won't be going to dinner with someone special; there will be no candlelight dinner when I arrive home. Instead, my tubby ass will be on an eliptical trainer sweating out years of gravy and ribs.

In honor of such a romantic occasion, today's Top 5 will focus on most likely what I and the rest of the bitter singles in this world will be doing: masturbating. So here we go ......

Top 5 Euphemisms For Masturbation

5. Spankin' the Monkey : I've never understood this one. I mean, I can understand calling your guy a monkey ... monkey are hairy ... monkeys are mischievous. But spanking it? I guess you're spanking that mischievous hairy guy? I think I'm thinking too much about this one.

4. Holding Your Sausage Hostage : Imagine the scene as the negotiator is on a bullhorn trying to "talk you down". I love this one; it's a classic and the imagery is too great.

3. A Little Me Time : Sounds innocuous, doesn't it? Why we all need time to get know ourselves. I've said it before, I'm my own best friend. And don't worry; I don't just use myself. I light some candles, treat myself to dinner. It's all romantic and shit.

2. Rub One Out : One? Hell, I need to rub out like 3 or 4 at a time!!

1. Five Knuckle Shuffle : This sounds like some old 30's vaudeville card trick. Oh, it's a trick all right. Only I win every hand ... and I mean every hand.

And to top it off, I'll even give you some advice from my good friend Dave Attell on what to do if you get caught: 1) Act surprised ... and don't worry, you will be surprised since your fantasy world has just collapsed; 2) Yell "Get some help! My hand and my peni are having a fight"; 3) Next explain "Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito; we got ourselves a battle royale." Enjoy the day .... and ladies, think about me during your "special" time.

Why I Don't Watch The Grammys

I so don't watch the Grammys. Tonight just served to remind me of that. You see, it was supposed to be this huge musical event .... instead it turned into an evening so dull, I went back and forth between Jackass 2 on DVD and the Grammys.

First of all, let me say that the Dixie Chicks fucking rock. I know, that is as contradictory a statement as you'll ever hear from me. But let's face it: these chicas made a statement and stood by it through thick and thin. Despite the monosyllabic Toby Keith crowd who burned their CDs and bitched about the Chicks not being brainwashed into believing what the Anti-Christ said. Country radio, ever the bastion of intelligent thought, pretty much banned their music. Through it all, they still put out great music and didn't apologize for shit. Aside from being cute, they are actually empowered chicas and definitely more of a role model than say .... Britney Spears.

Next, the Police are just too damn old. First up on the 3 hour dull fest, the show opened with them. Here I am ... stoked as hell to see one of the greatest bands of all time reuniting. So, the show starts off with a timeless classic, "Roxanne". Except this is the new Police ... or should I say, the Retired Police. Sting couldn't hit those high notes and the rhythm of the whole song was off kilter. Plus, in the crowd only like 1 or 2 people were even moving to the music. They were too busy waiting for some cheesy ass Justin Timberlake or P-Diddy or some other talentless fuck who has the backing of Clear Channel. I only hope Sting can quit worrying about making albums with some 3rd world hacks so he can concentrate on this reunion.

Essentially, the Grammys turns into some awards being handed out to some undeserving fucks. Let's say "Best Rock Album", the nominees are like one band with some actual cred, a couple of Clear Channel staples, and someone who is way past their prime ... say Bonnie Raitt. Every fucking year, Bonnie Raitt gets nominated for something. How in the fuck does she get award nominations every freaking year? The woman releases an album like every 5 years but she is up for a Grammy every year. It's beyond me.

The Grammys should really just be renamed the Clear Channel awards and be done with it.

Being Sick Is For Losers

I feel like shit. I hate being sick; not just because of the sickness itself. The biggest reason is that when you're single and sick, it reminds you of just how alone you really are. Sure, you've got friends and family that might come by to check in on you, but it's not the same and you know it. There's nothing like having someone baby you; pull the blanket up over your shoulder as you fall asleep on the couch watching episodes of Maury "Who Da' Baby Daddy?" (Not that I would indulge in such drivel since it's on 3 times a day on Channel 13); make sure you eat something; gets mad at you if you get up or do anything other than rest.

It's at these times that we feel completely isolated. When you've been isolated for so long, you almost become numb to those emotions that subsume so many in relationships. Don't get me wrong; it's not like I don't enjoy time to myself. Hell, I'm my own best friend. It's just that there are certain highs and lows that you experience only in relationships. You just sort of shut down your certain parts of yourself when you're alone for too long.

And then to top off this feeling, after a doctor's visit yesterday morning, it turns out that I am developing allergies. For 36 years, I have not developed them. I move to Atlanta and within 14 months, I'm snotty and miserable. My doctor was pretty cool though; she gave me enough samples for like 2 weeks and prescriptions and even another prescription in case this episode turns into a full blown sinus infection. So being sick when you're single truly sucks .... but at least I've got drugs.

(Sorry to be such a downer; no doubt it's the effect of too many drugs at once. I have enough drugs in me right now to put a horse down)

Top 5 Tuesday

Just listening to my MP3 player, I have found endless hours of inspiration. From my pathetic daydreams of rocking that Gibson Les Paul or playing a screamin' solo on a Fender Strat, music is something I must have around me constantly.

On my way home last night, one station that bills itself as "alternative" was having listeners call in with their favorite remakes. The caller I heard pulled out a great song and hence, the inspiration for this post.

Top 5 Remakes Of Great Songs

5. "Just Like Heaven" - Goldfinger : Powerful little punk remake of one of my all-time favorite songs. Short, fast, loud with a great, crunchy guitar solo. Definitely one that I play air guitar with.

4. "Sexual Healing" - Ben Harper and the Innocents : Soulful acoustic remake that is as smooth as Tupelo honey (If you know that reference, you absolutely rock in my book; if you're female, fly to Atlanta and I'll get the marriage license ready!!). Check this version out though; you and your significant other will thank me as the music has you two slithering all over one another like cheap suits.

3. "Bizarre Love Triangle" - Frente! : Who in the world would've thought that a remake of another of my all-time faves could be slowed down and sound so sweet? Angie Hart's vocals will melt you and leave me feeling sentimental for things I don't even know about. Such a sweet, sweet song.

2. "Long Black Veil" - Dave Matthews Band : There are a few songs that give me goose bumps ever single time I hear them. This is one of them. Johnny Cash was definitely an American poet. This song is so damn tragic, it breaks your heart. Rat on the wife of your best friend in order to save your neck or die leaving her relationship in tact. How very Sydney Carton of the song's main protagonist.

1. "Cum On Feel The Noize" - Quiet Riot : This will probably be the only time in history that I can foresee Quiet Riot grabbing the number 1 spot in a Top 5 list of any sort. Wait, I guess if there is a Top 5 bands touring county fairs, they might make it. But hell, I'll let them bask in the light of my Top 5 Tuesday. But admit it ... you love this song. Especially in the CareerBuilder.com commercials with the monkeys in the boardroom jamming to this, you love it even more!!

Per my usual post, there are those songs that didn't quite make it but came so close, they're honorable mentions: "Hurt" - Johnny Cash; "All Along The Watchtower" - DMB; "Oh Pretty Woman" - Van Halen; "Gates of Steel" - Skankin' Pickle; "Simmer Down" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones; "Volver, Volver" - Los Lobos; "Sexual Healing" - Soul Asylum. As usual, please post your own .....

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

OMG ... who in the fuck thought that having that gay ass Cirque du Soleil on right before the game was a great idea. This is like having halftime show sponsored by Queer Eye and Lifetime!!!! Who in the fuck thought this was a good idea?? I'm sure millions of football fans like myself were watching this saying "Oh my God, this is lamest thing I have ever seen." Trust me, this ranks on par with the Paul McCartney-FOX News sponsored halftime show a few years ago.

Also let me say this, Rex Grossman is complete and utter garbage on a football field. It's one thing if you suck and you acknowledge it. It's called humility and honesty. But this walking abortion thinks he is actually something great. I have never seen someone who plays like absolute garbage be so damn cocky.

Personally, I think Chicago's favorite son in the pic here would make a better starting QB than Grossman.

It's now the 4th quarter and Grossman has just thrown a pic that Indy has taken back for a TD. I can't say it enough, Rex Grossman SUCKS; HE'S A WASTE OF A FOOTBALL UNIFORM; YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK!!!!

The only reason I'm really pissed about this is for my boy, Brian Urlacher. A New Mexico Lobo, he's from a little town near where I grew up. He's a New Mexican, so I have to pull for him.

But Rex Grossman will cost the Bears the Super Bowl. Despite keeping it close, all it takes is one Grossman pass to fuck it up ..... and trust me, he did do just that.

Immigrants Who Will Speak Like Bill and Ted

Last Saturday, I had my first volunteer class session. You see, despite my evil exterior, I am a huge softie at heart despite all of my bitching about bad drivers, hayseeds, jackoff Conservatives, and soccer moms.

What I've decided to do is to teach Introductory English to immigrants. This is a completely volunteer operation in that the students come because they want to. We don't force them to come. It's not some court ordered English classes. It's not a requirement for a job.

These guys come because they want to learn English.
We don't charge them any money. Their only expense is the price of books, which is reasonable at something like $20. If you want to see the American Dream at work, I urge you to start volunteering at some class like this.

But the scary thing is that groups of non-English speaking adults are relying on ME to teach them English. How fucking crazy is that? I'm possibly responsible for someone's job and life prospects. Talk about pressure!!

Hopefully they learn some great slang from me though! Thanks to a suggestion from Chelle, I'll teach them the variations of the word "sweet" from Clueless! to Dude, Where's My Car?.

Update: The Storm That Never Came

I went to bed last night fully expecting to wake up to the sound of rain. And I did just that ... I woke up to the sound of rain. No ice, no snow. Rain.

I knew things were fine when my neighbor was able to get out of her driveway. She drives a Minicooper. As she pulls out at 5 in the morning, the Cooper's headlights usually shoot right through my blinds. The usual routine this morning too ... so I knew I was coming in to work after that. All I could do was turn my head from the window, pull the blankets up a bit more, and sleep for another hour and a half.

Obviously, the rest of Atlanta didn't get that message. Tons of people stayed away from downtown, fearing the ice that didn't come.

That's fine with me. My commute was easy today. No bumpkins from outlying communities taking their broods into town to gawk at "them thar' tall bildins". No mini-van driving soccer moms headed near downtown for a "taste of the city". It was so great that we definitely could use a few more "big" storms to hit us.