What To Do Tonight ... What To Do Next Year

I really have no idea what I'm doing tonight. Honestly, I think I'd be pretty content to simply stay in and watch my Netflix movies.

But such is not my lot in life with family in town. Instead, I'll go to a NYE party and end up standing around after midnight while all the couples make out.

It's okay though .... I'm sure the booze will flow in abundance, the food will be spilling out onto the table, and the music will be great. Maybe that is what I need to do next year ... try new things. Either that or just hang out with people who are more willing to booze it up. Either way, things have go to change next year.

So from me to you and yours, have a Happy New Year and remember to be careful tonight.

Why Family Is Great

You know, sometimes you really forget how great it is to have family nearby. I mean, I know I have my cousins in Kennesaw, but it's nice to see other members of your family.

I downright envy those of you with relatives nearby. My problem is that for all the things I wanted to do with my life, I needed to move from home. My mother once told me a few years ago that she knew I'd never be happy living near them because there is nothing there for me (apart from family that is).

From the time I was a kid, my family knew I'd be moving away. On the first day of kindergarten, my mom drives up to the school and she is a bawling mess. She pulls into the lot and I say "Bye mom!!" and with that, I bolted out of the Blazer. Of course, mom caught up with me, made me give her a hug, tell her that I love her and all that jazz. Yeah, I was ready to go.

So tonight, I went up to my cousin's place in Kennesaw and I got a treat. Some of my family came into town for the New Year's Eve. The real treat was that menudo was already cooked when I got there. Once I had gorged myself on this along with a few Tecates, tamales were being made from scratch. Tomorrow I've got to pick up a dozen for myself.

It's just a real comfort to see this, though. I remember so vividly being at my grandmother's home since this was a regular occurrence. With my family, there is always food, drink, and laughter. Tonight was no exception and it felt so great to spend time with my family. It helps to ground me from time to time. We all need that.

I'm Moving To Spain

I could so move to Spain. I know I've threatened this before with Ireland after my trip. This has been a week full of Spain for me. Let me explain ....

On Christmas Day, I went up to my cousin's place. As it turns out, a friend of mine had just taken a trip to Spain about 2 weeks ago. She didn't have my new address, so she sent a postcard to my cousin's place. I gotta tell ya', I was pretty stoked for her. However ... it definitely should've been me going to Espana first.

Next, tonight I saw Volver. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I love Penelope Cruz. But I've got to tell you, this movie made me love her all the more. She is fantastic in this movie. Anyone who might've doubted her acting skills definitely should see this. Who knew her acting would be this strong? She's finally gotten rid of that crazy-ass, couch jumping elf a.k.a. Tom Cruise.

All of this has left me once again with my wanderlust rearing it's ugly head once again. Maybe I just love to travel and I don't get to do it enough to appreciate where I'm at. But, if Penelope were waiting at the other end, I could easily relocate anywhere ... even New Jersey!!

Crackhead Haiku

It's obvious the holidays are here. No, I'm not talking about the fact that the Evil Empire starting putting up Christmas decorations since Labor Day. No, I'm not talking about suburbanites trying to "out-tacky" one another with gaudy lights all over their homes. It's more like the scourge of my morning walks have come out in force the last few days. Yes, my friends ... the homeless have been honing in on me more than ever. They're everywhere this week. It's as if they're taking full advantage of the holiday spirit replete with Santa hats and more pathetic than a George Bush press conference without pre-screened questions.

What I've decided to do is to compile a list of my favorite approaches and excuses used to extort change from me:

1. The I'm Going Somewhere Approach: This is a two-fold approach: 1) the sad sack face that it trying to convey the desperateness of their plight and 2) the story of where they're trying to get to. The standard approach is like this:

"Hey man, (cue pitiful face conveying some sort of emotion), I'm trying to get to (insert any of the following: mom's/sister's/brother's house; a shelter; out of town). I just (insert story here such as just got out of jail; got my wallet stolen; etc.). I just need some change to get me there or whatever you can spare."

I actually once tried to give a guy a valid subway pass I used on the Atlanta rail system. The guy just looked at the pass and was completely befuddled. He didn't know what to do. He prattled on about how he needed the cash more and wouldn't take the pass.

2. The Pitiful Look Approach: This is for the older or lazy homeless. Basically, this is just sitting there with the pitiful look waiting for someone to drop change. Some may couple this with a cardboard sign, stacking personal belongings nearby, or a dog on a piece of rope.

One day as we were walking out to lunch, one of my co-workers spotted one person using this approach. She stopped and said,"Wait a minute ... I know her!!" Turns out this person was married and living in the same complex as my friend. Apparently bumming change can be quite profitable.

3. The Nice Guy Approach: I get this one alot. A person will come way out of their way towards you smiling as if they've got some great news for you. This approach nearly always starts the same:

"How are you, sir/ma'am? Can I ask you a question?"

At this point you've got to cut them off or else they start going on and on. The first "no" is never enough; you almost always have to tell them that you simply don't have any change a couple of times.

4. Crazy/Smelly Approach: This one is simple. This person either reeks so horribly or is just so fucking crazy that you'll do anything to get them away from you ... like give them a buck or two. This one is extremely popular in downtown Atlanta restaurants like Subway or in a deli. I've seen this one work where the person walks in and starts rummaging through the trash in the store.

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This post really has nothing to do with haiku's, but I thought the words "crackhead" and "haiku" just sounded really good together. I hope this post doesn't sound cruel; I just needed to vent about what I've been going through the past week.

Is It Acceptable?

This topic was inspired by a friend of mine at work who brought in some pictures he wanted to post to his website. He is a couple of years older than me, so he was definitely into the fashion of the 80's and early 90's. Think Color Me Badd, think Girbaud jeans, think the movie House Party.

One picture in particular had him at about age 19 trying to strike what he considered a "hot" pose. It consisted of him with a light pink (almost white) button down shirt opened all the way down to the belly button with jeans on, bony chest exposed for the world to see. However, what caught my eye in the pic was this white belt. It was a miltary style white belt, which prompted me to ask: Is it ever acceptable for a man to wear a white belt?

He had another picture of him in high school. In this pic, he was wearing an t-shirt (I believe it was either like an OP or Vuarnet) and he had the shirt tucked into some khaki shorts. Again: Is it ever acceptable to wear a t-shirt tucked into shorts?

In the midst of being photographed while getting felt up by unibrow guy, one of Lindsay's buddies on one of her adventures prompted me to ask this one: Is it ever acceptable to wear sandals and socks?

These are questions that need to be asked in order for me to sleep at night. And trust me, no one likes a cranky Devil.

A Christmas Day Passing

On Christmas Day, the world lost the Godfather of Soul.

In an age of scandal, we often lose track of what we will miss when a figure like James is gone. Instead, we relished watching James get into trouble with the law rather than celebrating his accomplishments. Now that he has passed, we'll all be missing out on what The Hardest Working Man In Show Business brought to the world.

I'm just as bad as anyone I'll admit: I loved when James had his face splashed across the headlines with his hair "looking like a bunch of spiders havin' a meeting on his head". But who didn't dip their shoulders in the rhythm to "Sex Machine"? Who didn't love the James Brown grunting and screaming? Who didn't have their own impression of that signature James Brown screaming and grunting? Who didn't love seeing James in "Undercover Brother" taunting Chris Kattan to say it "Loud"? Hell, we all did.

But do you know how James Brown was truly larger than life? Because he was featured on the Simpsons as himself. That is how you know you've made it. Soul Brother Number One definitely made it.

Merry Christmas

Seeing as how I'm in the "Dirty South", I thought this the most fitting Christmas pic out there on the web.

Have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the time with your families. Just remember when your uncle is drunk and you're ready to choke those relatives who remind you why you hate family get togethers, you get to leave soon.

Grab a few beers for me, have some great food, and I will talk to you kids soon!!

I Make A Horrible Celeb

Apparently, I don't really look like anyone famous ....

How in the fuck did Janeane Garofalo get into my list? I'm not a sexist, but I guess this is the ultimate sign that I am comfortable with my feminine side. And some of these celebs .... who in the hell is Anuar Zain?? I look the most like Philip Seymour Hoffman. A great actor, but let's face it .... there aren't alot of 23 year old Salma Hayek look alikes lining up to give him some.

Johnny Knoxville Is The Anti-Christ

You know, with the holidays finally here, you would think that the holiday spirit is in full effect. You might think that people will relax and just focus on their families and worry about what is really important in life. You'd think that and so would I .... but we'd be wrong.

Apparently because a movie, which according to most reviews is actually really dull, didn't become the biggest movie of the year, some have determined that Hollywood is work of the Devil.

As absurd as it sounds, the Christian Film & Television Commission chairman declared that because The Nativity Story failed to rack up nearly every dollar spent at the movies in the past few weeks, it represented " a serious setback for people of faith who were hoping that Hollywood would produce more films for them". He further noted that Hollywood generally makes "extremely bigoted, anti-Christian movies" since they make big money and he cited Borat and my beloved Jackass. According to this crackhead chairman, it is the studio's fault for not marketing the movie to every church in the world.

Now, I understand that some people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. I know that some people are about as useful as a two-story outhouse. But this is the most absurd explanation I think I have ever heard for a movie's shortcomings. So somehow, it is the studio's fault that they didn't market a movie called The Nativity Story to churches? It's has the fucking word NATIVITY in the title. What else could this fucking movie be about? Does some couple from Piglick, Arkansas see commercials for this movie and think it's a coming of age sex romp story a la Porkys?

Plus, why call out Jackass and Borat? Sure Borat has the most uncomfortable masturbation scene in movie history and Johnny Knoxville's infamous drivers license photo is of him dressed as a Catholic priest. But how are these movies anti-Christian? Is it simply because these movies aren't stuffed with that crappy music that makes old people with too much makeup and big hair close their eyes and raise their hands to a generic beat? Is it because they don't follow a story from the Bible word for word?

Personally I think it is a sign of the new divisive politics of the right-wing. You see, religion is like patriotism. All it takes is for someone in a position of authority to wrap themselves up in either God or the American flag to declare "Either you follow my point of view or you're against God and/or you're unAmerican". If you can't create the "us vs. them" mentality, you could lose control of your flock. They might actually begin to think for themselves ... and you can't have that if you're leading sheep or they might become rams.

Did you see the pole, Kruger?

The world has officially gotten tired of the commercialism of Christmas. In apparent response, a company in Wisconsin has begun to market the Official Festivus Pole.

I think if I ever get married and have kids, we may just have to do Festivus sometime in December.

Naturally there will be the airing of grievances. What better way to get in the holiday mood than to simply start family fights that are brewing just under the surface? Think about it; instead of waiting for a family member to fuck up .... again; this is just more of pre-emptive strike.

Next will be the feats of strength. Festivus cannot end until these are performed. With my family, this will typically consist of sitting through Lifetime movies which in of itself is a sure sign of intestinal fortitude. In my case, simply hauling my gargantuan carcass from the kitchen table to the couch is a feat to be rivaled. Wow, you know, even now Festivus is beginning to sound more and more like Christmas. Even Festivus is now ruined!!

I Stole This Idea From Brooke

It's come to this, hasn't it? I've been reduced to stealing ideas from hot school teachers from Florida, namely Brooke. But this is a good lesson for me to ponder on.

30 Things I've Learned From Women

1. Women are much less superficial than men since they will love us for who we are, not what we look like, a.k.a. Catherine Zeta-Jones syndrome.
2. Thread count is really important when it comes to bed sheets.
3. The male ego is super, super fragile despite our best attempts to portray it otherwise.
4. Artsy, intelligent, and/or nerdy women absolutely get to me.
5. A good woman will gently steer us clear of our idiotic ideas.
6. I'm a sucker for a woman's eyes and her smile.
7. I'm a cuddler. (I know I'll catch shit for this one)
8. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. (Stolen again ... Sorry Brooke)
9. A woman in a t-shirt and panties is the ultimate aphrodisiac. (See pic above)
10. Little thoughtful things mean so much more than grand gestures.
11. Having a way with words is a gift (Robert Smith [yes, that Robert Smith of The Cure] and Neruda are two of the masters)
12. While I am capable of being a real dick at times, I can also be the best b/f ever.
13. Chick flicks aren't always as gut wrenchingly horrible as I make them out to be.
14. It's okay for a man to have a comforter with a duvet cover.
15. I absolutely crave when a woman looks at me like I hung the moon.
16. I actually like cooking, but I'm a horrible baker.
17. Avoid any girl with a license plate or key chain that reads "Princess".
18. Being vulnerable will not kill me.
19. It's okay to do away with my pride for something or someone that is truly important to me.
20. Don't fight to win with someone you care about.
21. Someone may actually love me for me, even if I'm not in the best shape or the wealthiest.
22. Nothing is better than sex in the morning, or in the shower, or on the couch, or in the car, or ..... well, nothing is better than sex with someone you care about.
23. I need to let her take care of me from time to time.
24. Let her talk about her day because over time she'll tell me everything I need to know about making her happy.
25. I need to take off my "lawyer cap" and be an advocate for her.
26. Pick your fights because not everything is worth fighting over.
27. Let her decorate the home because inevitably I'll screw it up.
28. Any woman who is talking about how cute or hot someone else is while we are out is not the woman for me.
29. As much as some guys think they want to know everything about a woman's past, I know I do not want to know everything.
30. That certain way a woman in love looks at me will reach straight to my heart.

As a final note, I'd love hear what all of my friends out there in Blogland have learned from the opposite sex.

Meet My Future Son ...

I swear on all that is holy, if I have kids that this is what my son and daughter will be like!! Mark my words, they will be Sun Devils and they will be this fucking cool!!!!

Lil' Sparky

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All I Want For Christmas Is Boobs .......

As I've gotten older, I've found the need for gifts under the Christmas tree lessening. It seems the things that I'd truly want for a really Merry Christmas are things that can't be wrapped up. I've been a decent kid this year, so here is a partial list of what I'd want ......

1. Whitney / Bobby Christmas special: We'd need this complete with Bobby choking Whitney and then the two of them making out like a couple of horny teens at prom. They'd have to sing some absolutely ghetto-fabulous songs like "I'm Dreaming Of A Blow Christmas, Bitch" and the classic "I'll Be At My Recently Foreclosed Home For Christmas". This will truly put me in the holiday spirit.

2. Get laid: I haven't seen a breast in person since the end of June. To paraphrase Louis CK, it's gotten so bad that you know when you masturbate, you remember a sexual experience to rub one out to; well, it's been so long since I've gotten laid that I have to remember the last time I rubbed one out.

3. American Idol gets canceled: About the only way it would get better is if a strain of virus that infects fans of the show or contestants is somehow mutated to become transmittable through TV signals.

4. The smell of urine is eradicated from downtown: The bane of my morning walk from the ghetto parking lot is the aroma of pissing homeless folks everytime the wind shifts. A great gift would be if some wondrous elixir was created that magically rid the air of that foul stench and deterred homeless from approaching me like a pack of hyenas whenever they see me.

5. Get rid of my fat ass: Find an immortal fat-shaving plane so that I can eliminate fat from those problems areas like ... you know, my entire body. Actually this could be packaged and stuffed underneath my tree along with a pair of real life boobs attached to Scarlett Johansson.

6. Banning "A Christmas Story": I wish Homeland Security (doesn't that name just smack of Naziism??) would once and for all declare that "A Christmas Story" is subversive and outlaw its broadcast for a term of no less than 100 years.

7. Sterilize the Wal-Mart crowd: Pfizer could develop a new sterility drug that can be administered through the skin. The drug would be sprayed onto all t-shirts reading "Git 'R Done" ensuring the timely demise of NASCAR, Toby Keith, and Natural Light beer.

8. An End To Trashiness: Congress could insert a provision into the "No Child Left Behind" that mandates the lessons of Hot Ghetto Mess be incorporated into every Civics class as a yardstick of what not to do as part of a civilized society.

9. Faces: I'd like to get a pic of all of you so that I know who you are. It's crazy but you feel closer to a Blogger if you know what he/she looks like.

See, I'm not selfish at all with my Christmas wishes. I think all of these would serve a greater purpose for society.

"Tis The Season For Shitty Movies

Well folks .. it's been a while. But let me just say that things are back on track. As embarrassing as this is, when I first moved down this way, I let ML use my computer. I figured that I was living with family and that since she was in school, she'd make better use of it. Since we're no longer on speaking terms, I figured the thing was shot and it didn't make any sense to get it back (besides, it was a Compaq ... that's all that needs to be said with that). But I just scored a new laptop so now I plan on getting back on track ......

Now for the rants!!

What the fuck is going on these days with shitty movie after shitty movie being released? It's as if Hollywood figures that everyone will be sick of hearing "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by that crazy chick from "Glitter", so they'll put out all of the shitty movies they've shelved for the past few months.

Like this piece of shit in the pic. It's amazing that this was even made; it went directly to DVD. This movie will rank right up there with any Lorenzo Lamas production.

Who in the name of all that is holy is going to rent this or better yet, buy this? It's the same guy who actually paid to see The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift on opening night.

The first two of the American Pie movies were decent ... but now it's just fucking stupid. One of the clips that I've bombarded with this week has this line that is sure to elicit thunderous laughter has Eugene Levy saying in his most incredulous tone "You're a Stifler and a virgin?" I threw up a little in my mouth as I was typing this ..... But seriously, we all know that extremely hot sorority girls couldn't wait to get naked in front of pale, skinny guys with all the sex appeal of Crispin Glover so they could streak across campus.

As if this wasn't bad enough .... we also get "Rocky Balboa". Who in the fuck thought this was a good idea? Who was stupid enough to say "You know ... audiences at Christmas just might pony up $10 to see a 60 year old man get his ass kicked in a movie. Let me pony up millions of dollars on this one."And it only gets worse from here on out. No doubt Vin Diesel or Jennifer Lopez will have a movie out in the next few months .......

I've got a great idea for a movie: why don't we watch a guy eat six apples and shit out a fruit salad. Oh wait .... apparently that show idea was taken already and packaged as "American Idol".