Friday, December 30, 2005

Things That Annoy The Devil

Yes, yes my faithful readers; it's time for my oft-occuring "Things That Annoy The Devil"!!! First up .....

1. Nickelback: Sure they had a huge hit ... like 3 years ago. But now they're hocking their fucking CD in a Wal-Mart commercial. How rock star is that? And after 3 years, every song still sounds the same. I'm just waiting to see them playing at a county fair near you opening for Poison or Ratt. Maybe I'll win one of those "cool" rock-band tile mirrors this time!!!

2. Trashy People: It's amazing how X-Mas turns me into the biggest asshole of all time when I'm forced to manuever through the hell hole that is a Wal-Mart. Yet, everywhere I turn, there they are ... looking for that new Nickelback CD, asking clueless clerks where the boxed set of fishing VHS tapes are, bitching that Wal-Mart "don't carry them moon pies anymore". I also run into this type of person wearing some nicer clothes at a place like Applebee's because the $5.99 steak they ordered isn't cooked right.

3. Lifetime movies: ML is hooked on these ... and they're terrible. They have 3 basic plots: 1. Mistreated Children, 2. Cheating Spouses, or 3. Murder mystery. Every single one stars a washed up sitcom star (see Tori Spelling or Meredith Baxter) whose best acting took place the night before in the bedroom faking a headache or orgasm. As terrible as the acting is, I think that the novela stars from Mexico actually might be better actors. The Lifetime Movie network should just be honest and rename itself "The Network For Made For TV Movies Not Good Enough For The Direct To DVD Market".

4. Reggaeton: OK, now this was a cool thing going on in Latin music ... about 3 years ago. Now, it's just old. The sound, rhythm, etc. is the same .... as it was 3 years ago. Yes, I know all about "gasolina" or how cool you are "papi". Yes, I know you wanna tap that ass. Yes, I know all about "culo". But, it's a shame that this music is going down the same road as most gangsta rap by degrading Latinas. To me, a guy who is doing his rap to this type of beat just doesn't have the same street cred as a DMX or Dre. Maybe I am just getting too old .....

5. Shitty kids: Now, I love kids just as much as I love that crud that accumulates along the top of a ketchup bottle. Actually, I do like kids, but I hate, hate, hate, hate shitty spoiled rotten kids who act like they've never been anywhere. I loathe walking through a store only to have to stop walking every 4 steps because some accidental offspring decides he needs to run across the aisle while mom tries to squeeze into a tube top 3 sizes too small. I hate going to Barnes & Noble because Junior decides it is time to test out his lungs. I can't stand seeing movies after 9 PM since role model parents decide that their 3 y.o. Anti-Christ spawn might actually enjoy seeing "The Wedding Crashers". I think it is really the parents I have a problem with ....

6. Shitty cars decked out: Now, we all saw "The Fast & The Furious". We can't all be Vin. But apparently, anyone can now buy shit to make that '91 Hyundai look like it might actually break the speed limit. Apparently, all you need are some sort of flame decals, a chrome tail pipe tip, and some "krome" plastic rims from Auto Zone to get that additional 100 horsepower the ole 4 banger needs. I still love pulling up next to these jackoffs and beating them off the light in my old Jeep.

7. Tourists in rush hour traffic: Simple enough; if you're not from a big city, then stay the hell away from it during rush hour. Keep your fifth-wheel on the outskirts of town between the hours of 6 - 9 AM or 4 - 7 PM. Thank you.




8. J-Lo: OMG, I am so tired of this has been. How does this woman sleep at night knowing that she has polluted the airwaves and the big screen all across America? If I was marrying someone as annoying as her, I would hope my mom would do twice as much shit to her as Jane Fonda did in that tepid flick that came out this year. Does anyone care about J-Lo anymore? Her own perfume? Why would anyone want this? Who wants to smell like overexposure? And then to top it off, she has actually won awards from Hispanic organizations for lifetime achievements!!! Lifetime achievements?? I guess I forgot about her work 20 years ago in inner-city Miami and her work organizing farm workers in South Texas. Look, she did a few really shitty movies and sure we, as Hispanics, don't have alot of our peeps on the big screen. But a lifetime award is a bit much for a hoodrat who can't lose that obnoxious NY accent to save her life.

11 comments:

Lindsay said...

Haha, I love the Lifetime movies because they are so damn funny (even though they aren't meant to be). Happy New Year to you!

jennifer said...

i know you're not talking crap about j*lo, my tocaya!
don't hate.
@>-->>--

Deeesguy said...

Devil, are you aware that this current Nickelback record is currently certified double platinum? Now I ask you, self-proclaimed music snob, can two million Nickelback fans be wrong?

A. Estella Sassypants said...

I'm with ya on all of the above. I tried knocking some bratty-ass kids down like bowling pins last night, but my friends stepped in. Can't a girl have some New Year's Eve fun, for God's sake?? ;)

Cincysundevil said...

Lindsay-
They are quit hilarious! It's funny that some people don't realize just how cheesey they are.

Cincysundevil said...

Jen-
Sorry! She's just a bit overexposed. I guess I'd like to see her really pick some roles that are a bit different.

Cincysundevil said...

Deeesguy-
Kenny G has also sold over 2 million albums. That don't make him right either!

Cincysundevil said...

Andi-
It's amazing how some people take the joy out of those moments! Happy New Year!!

MoDigli said...

This is the kind of griping I love to hear from you, Cincy. (Uh, shouldn't it be HOTlanta Devil now? Or Hot Devil! hehehe -- we can call you hottie now instead of cincy! LOL!) You are so good at writing rants about the things that annoy me most! :)

Cincysundevil said...

Mo-
Thanks! I'm back to my rants so expect more and more!

DCNats said...

you are so right about the Reggaeton... it seems like they only managed to take the bad elements of hip hop and then put it on top of the same old tired beats over and over again. "ya tu sabes, papi!"
I'm pretty sure you're right about the street cred aspect as well... I just can't take some guy dancing around on Sabado Gigante seriously.