Friday, December 09, 2005

Who Invited Tubby Back?

As if I'm not going to be sick of the holiday season already with Christmas stuff up the day after Halloween, the Evil Empire has decided to spring upon us another diabolical scheme designed to entice the Toby Keith crowd into dropping that $19.95 they were going to use for that NASCAR tatoo.

The Evil Empire, a.k.a. Wal-Mart, is now the exclusive dealer for "new"Garth Brooks' CDs. That's right kids; if you get the longing to hear "Friends In Low Places" and you don't want to download it, you'll have to haul your carcass over to Wally World, dodging mullet headed NASCAR fans, obeses housewives haggling over socks 3 pair for $1, and hordes of ricket infested children still wearing rat-tails.

First of all, I must admit that when I was stationed in the Army down in Tampa, Florida, I was one of those who was of those homesick idiots who actually thought that country music was a good thing because it reminded me of home. Along comes Tubby and all of a sudden, it's not a bad thing to be from my part of the country (he's from some little town in Oklahoma, I grew up in these little towns in the Texas Panhandle and Eastern New Mexico). I'm thinking to myself "here's a local boy doing well".

Enter greed and avarice. The thing that turned me against Garth was his stance on used CD's. He asked his record company not to distribute his new CD's to stores that sold used CD's. Why? He wasn't getting a royalty on the sale of a used CD. Here is this fuckstick making so much fucking money that he can't possibly spend it all and he's worried about the royalties from the sale of used CDs? He's worried about the sale of a CD that he has ALREADY GOTTEN A ROYALTY FROM THE ORIGINAL SALE?

See, in the law, we call it "getting another bite at the apple". In other words, you had your chance and that is all you get. Not Tubby; he was just plain greedy and there was a huge backlash against him and deservedly so. This was similar to the backlash against Selloutica ... errr ... I mean Metallica with the whole Napster thing considering they got their start by asking fans to come to their shows, fucking record it, and trade it with friends!!!

Now enter the Evil Empire. They will be the exclusive distributor of Tubby's CD's. Now they've even put out this "special" boxed set. Great, now every used CD store in America will be flooded with tons of this set starting January 6 (the obligatory 2 week period you have to keep a Christmas gift). If there is a God in Heaven, I won't have to see that fucking commercial where Tubby is whooping and hollerin' and acting like an ass 'til the original Fat Man busts him for playing with the toys. At least the Evil Empire will have to get rid of all of those fucking weird Chris Gaines' CDs now; right next to those Scott Stapp CDs in the bargain bin.


Ruben said...

With as much money as this guy has you'd think he would buy a pair of jeans that actually fit him. HAve you looked at the jeans he's sporting lately? It looks as if he's wearing one of his daughter's low rise jeans. lol

Cincysundevil said...

Now I'm having this disturbing image of a guy in a cowboy hat with plumber's crack fixing my fridge .... Eeeewwww (shudder). Is it even permissible for men to wear low rise jeans?

A. Estella Sassypants said...

It all makes me wanna throw up. I am also a former Garth-lova, but not now! The little effer will choke on his millions one day..I'm sure of it.

Cincysundevil said...

With our luck, rather than choke on his millions, a home video of him rolling around naked on that money will probably surface .... (shudder)