New Dream Job

I started this post last week before moving and before I disconnected my computer ....

I think this is my new dream job. It consists of people sending in relics that are somehow associated with a family story or some historically significant event. Then, this group of investigators start to undig the whole story. They travel all over the U.S. trying to track down exactly what the origins of the relic are and how, if at all, it relates to the person who submitted it.

It would be the perfect job for anyone who likes history and travel (2 of my hobbies). Of course, I'd have to have some sort of background in something like antiquities or history. Plus, it would give you the background to do some family investigation yourself. Maybe it's just the thought of traveling around the US on someone else's dime that I like. Either way, this is my new dream job to replace being the manager of a chocolate factory run by big breasted hookers ....

Fat, Stupid, Minivan Driving Housewifes And Beans

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit. As I'm fond of noting, moving sucks. I've got a million boxes and a million little things to pack. But I just had to post about what I saw this morning. The pic to the right is about the only punishment fitting for what I saw this morning .....

There was an accident near my apartment so naturally the place is crawling with as many out of shape city cops as any donut establishment. So I get stuck behind about 5 cars, 2 of those being cop cars. We meander up the road a bit to the Interstate where I hop on the off-ramp and then would normally proceed to work.

As I'm about 100 yds from the off-ramp I see something that not only is dangerous but infuriating. A mini-van with a fat suburban housewife is driving up the off-ramp. Yep, she is driving back up the off-ramp because apparently this tub of shit is too lazy to read or is too dumb, you decide. Anyways, she nearly causes an accident with one of the cars in front of me as he jams on his brakes to slow down enough to get around her. Here's the worst part: there are 2 city cops right there .... and neither one of those useless sacks of shit does a thing. Nope; they both just keep driving as if nothing happened.

Now, if I had been driving up the off-ramp, you damn well know that those cops would've had me spread out all over the Ohio pavement like some sort of unholy bean spread (pun intended). They'd have cuffed, stuffed me, and probably dragged my ass all over God's green earth. But not the fat housewife ... not even a light or siren was ever turned on. These are the same cops I've seen follow a car load of black teenagers, pull them over, and have them spread eagle on the street no matter the weather (rain, sleet, snow, or shine). Sorry to rant but this just pissed me off so fucking badly, I was screaming at the cops to pull her over. Guess they were too busy looking for the next donut shop. Anyone else seen anything that has pissed them off lately?

Moving Sucks Ass

Sorry I haven't been updating as frequently. I'm getting ready to move which means one thing ... going through all of your shit and getting rid of stuff you've accumulated in the past 2 years. I mean, I don't need 3 phone books (I have only one phone line and I usually use my mobile 90% of the time). I don't need 3 types of glass cleaner. I don't need 3 half-filled bottles of Ranch dressing. I don't need that can of lima beans that I can't even remember how I got. Goodwill will be getting a ton of old t-shirts and clothes from me that I no longer wear. I have so many papers and letters that I thought were so important at the time, I would make a killing recycling those bad boys. However ..... with a fireplace I can burn alot of that stuff ... heh-heh. So please be patient with me and I'll be back to my old blogging self!

Questions, Questions, and More Questions!!

You can post the directions from the earlier post if you'd like to pass this on.

For Trixie

1. A movie is being made about the life of Trixie. Who is the lucky actress you chose to play you in the lead role ... and of course, who is going to play the devastatingly handsome, misunderstood attorney Cincysundevil? A title would be nice as well .....

2. Much like our heroine in the movie, Amelie, you're fond of "strategims" and need to let the man of your dreams know who you are. Who is the guy and what are you going to do?

3. For the sake of Canadian hockey (and Da' Leafs in particular), you have to do the nasty with either the lead singer of Glass Tiger or the lead singer from Loverboy (each in their current state; not in those 80's tight leather pants day). Whose world do you rock and give us some particulars.

4. You get to go back in time for 24 hours. Where in time do you go y por que?

5. You've been recruited by a super secret agency due to your game scores on those matching games available at the local pub. What is your cool new moniker and what will be your super secret specialty?

For my new friend, Seakitty

1. As you cross through a barren nuclear wasteland (a.k.a. New Jersey ... sorry Brooke), you mutate and endowed with super powers. What is your superpower and tell us about your new secret identity (hopefully it's a skimpy outfit too)?

2. McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and Arbys are all vying for the honor creating the new Seakitty sandwich. Who gets the honor and more importantly, what's in it?

3. Homer Simpson or Peter Griffith? Who are you giving it up to and why?

4. Larry Flynt needs a new "adult" magazine and he's chosen you to create it. Tell us about your new creation.

5. You're tired of paying taxes, so you become a non-profit organization, a.k.a. church. Much like the Church of George Costanza, you've got to come up with some tenants of your religion. What are they and will you still celebrate Festivus?

JHD, you know you want in on the action ....

Andi Nailed Me ... OK, It's Wishful Thinking But It Sounds Good!

Aaaaaahhhh .... the effervescent and half-nekkid Andi posted these questions for moi to answer ... and answer them I shall!! If you're feeling bored, you can comment on these bad boys.

Here are the instructions:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. If you could be any Napoleon Dynamite character who would you be and why?

Well, I'd prefer to be Pedro. After all, it's the obvious choice since he enjoys the short hair styles of which I'm a fan of. Yeah, yeah, yeah ... he's one of my peeps. But I've also harbored delusions of a political nature where I'd run for office, but I wouldn't kiss big corporate ass, hence, I'd never get elected. In all actuality though, I'd probably end up like Uncle Rico. Driving a bitchin' van (a.k.a. The Stabbin' Wagon) with one of those sweet heart shaped windows on the side, looking for the next get rich scheme, and trying to buy a time travel machine to go back in time where I could be the coolest guy around.

2. If you were a NASCAR driver (God forbid) who would you choose to sponsor your car and have plastered all over it.

First of all, I'd probably get sick and bored making left turns all day, having some yokels playing Toby Keith records, mullet-haired fans drinking Hamms and Pabst Blue Ribbon, and quoting Jeff Foxworthy all day. First of all the biggest sponsor would be something completely hilarious and offensive ... maybe like Astro-Glide lubricant. Then the sponsors who are the usual litany of bad taste .. .maybe like Hustler magazine or some really low grade men's magazine with a crude name like Shaved Snits where the girls have like bullet holes & stretch marks. Oh yeah, and maybe like Nike or Columbia so I could get some cool free gear. And the car's colors would be in some tacky colors or a plaid pattern. Or I could just go with the obvious sponsor and select High Times magazine. Then I'd drive like 20 m.p.h..

3. If you were playing truth or dare what is the grossest concoction you would dare someone to drink?

A bottle of Kirstie Alley's sweat from the last all you can eat Chinese buffet she bankrupted. Not gross enough? How about a pint of Rush Limbaugh's saliva after about 20 of those Oxycontin? A gallon of Star Jone's bath water? I could just liquify W's brain and make someone drink that .. but it would mostly be air and full of nothing substantive.

4. In order to save the world from bloody destruction, would you take one for the team and sleep with Rosie O'Donnell? Elaborate on the why and how.

This is a cruel joke, right? The only reason I'd do it is to save my family and of course, all of you that take time to read my drivel. I'd have to lay some ground rules. First of all, no kissing. Second, only doggie style so I wouldn't have to look at her. With my luck she'd say something in the middle like "Give me 8 inches and make it hurt!!!" Then I'd have to fuck her twice and hit her in the head with a brick.

5. If you wrote a book, what would the title be?

Well, it would have to have some sort of witty title like "I Know You'll Never Read This" or "Shit You Don't Wanna Know About". I think we all in some way aspire to write the great American novel but I could never come up with a witty title. I suck. Come to think about it, that would be a great title "I Suck".

New Digs

Remember my apartment dilema? Well it is now solved. I got a note about renewing my lease last month and I went in with a laundry list of what was wrong with the place. The leasing agent is a super sweet lady who sat there with her jaw dropped the whole time when I told her about the leaking ceiling that had been going on for over a year and she apologized profusely. So she decided to give one of those apartments I liked before with a W/D hookup and a deep discount of $10 more a month than what I would be paying for my current apartment (in reality it should be like $60 more a month). So now I'll have a new apt. with a fireplace! ( I can hear everyone saying "Great .. that's just what this guy needs. An excuse to burn shit in his house!"). I'll be settling into my new cubbyhole on the last weekend of the month!! Once I get settled in, I'll take some pics and post 'em .. WOO-HOO!!!

Whatever Happened To

I liked this new station alot being that I was a child of the 80's. I still love to watch those VH1 music specials with the great 80's bands that you say, "Oh yeah ... I remember that song. I used to love those guys." Then you watch the special and see that the lead singer now lives with his mom and paints houses on the side; or the lead guitarist is a now a businessman living in El Segundo with his son who now plays in the band with his old man. I wanna see them catch up with someone who is "living with his old lady" and working at like Circle K graveyard shift still driving that 'Vette he bought after their single hit it big. Quit giving me the life affirming stories and give me the dirt damnit!!

To revisit some of these bands, be sure to check out the greatest new radio station in the world (on the internet that is...)

http://www.woxy.com/vintage/

It is superriffic!! I get to hear all of those great 80's and early 90's bands that I loved like the Cure, the Stone Roses, the Ocean Blue, the Specials, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Erasure, Berlin, Bauhaus, and so many more I'm nearly wetting myself listening to it now. Right now it's the Cure's "10:15 Saturday Night" .... SUH-WEET!! And on another note, it looks like I'm ...... (see below)

Modest Mouse - The Lonesome Crowded West

What essential indie rock album are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Please tell me what album you are. I figured with my luck I might come out with an album like Ruben Stoddard's "Things I Like To Eat" or Ashley Simpson's "Buy This Because My Sister Is Famous", but my luck held out for once!!

Writing Up A Storm And Determining If I'm An Idiot

Remember those grad school applications? Naturally they all want a writing sample. So I dug up an old paper from my Immigration Law class and I'm revamping it. I've been doing additional research for the past few weeks and I started the rewrite on Saturday. It's amazing how much of a difference learning how to do real research helps. If there is one thing I can say about having to work in hell is that I have learned how to sift through huge volumes of materials and how to create smarter searches to narrow down what I'm looking for.

So Saturday afternoon I head over to my local chain bookstore (we all know the one with the B&N in their name) because ... well, they do have the Deathstar within and comfortable, quiet tables to work at. I started the rewriting process and let me tell ya .... I was rolling there for a while. I decided to rewrite the entire thing out first before typing it up again. I am already through about the first 3rd of the rewrite.

Now, while I was at said corporate bookstore, a lady close to my age (notice I didn't say young? ... heh-heh) grabbed a table behind me. Very cute, short, petite, dark hair with blue eyes. A definite cutie and no ring (it's the first thing I look at). But she sat down after getting her low-fat whatever it was she was drinking, put on her walkman, and started studying something with x-ray pics. So after about an hour, she walks over and very nicely asks if I wouldn't mind watching her things while she ran to the bathroom. Mind you, this is B&N in the more "upscale" (if you can call it that) part of town and there are only like 3 other people in the entire coffee shop area. But I told her that I'd be glad to watch her stuff.

This only brings up the Devil's own version of kryptonite ... how do you know when a lady is letting on that she might be interested? Now I've had guy friends who would insist that this was a signal. I don't wanna be that Chachi type-o-guy who takes everything a lady says as a come on with lines "I'll watch your books ... and I'll watch you while I'm at it." or "How you doing?". Every instinct I had was saying it meant nothing ... that it was only a friendly request. After all, she didn't want anyone to snatch her walkman and run out. Of course, I've thought that before only to have a nearby friend say "Dude, that was a total come on." Maybe I need to hire that Hitch guy to help learn to read signals.

My mind rationalizes this situation in different ways. In one case, it was completely friendly and she was just worried someone might run in and snag her walkman, skim milk latte, and books. It was a friendly request. But at the same time, she could've just walked over to the restroom and not say a word at all. Once I start talking to someone, I'm usually fine. But it's determining if that is a sign of interest or just a smile because my fly is open is another story. Now this opportunity has passed, but it's left me wondering if there is some general rule about how to read signals that a lady might be intersted in the Devil .....

Old Friends On CD .. How Soon We Forget!!

I love music. I really do. It's a passion of mine. I love "discovering" some small band that has great music that I can call all my own before they hit it big time just so I can say something like "Ted Leo and The Pharmacists? Are you kidding? I've been listening to them for years now. I'm surprised you only found out about 'em now!" So it was with great joy tonight I was going through a series of recorded CD's when I popped one in and found that I loved every song on it. It was my "Next 20" CD ... roughly those songs just outside my all-time Top 20. I savored every song and here is the list ...

1. "Mannish Boy" - Muddy Waters : Fucking brilliant song. I remember this one from Better Off Dead when John Cusack drives his bitchin' Camaro out of the garage.
2. "Saint Behind The Glass" - Los Lobos: Brilliant song from one of my fave bands. These guys are so versatile; they'll play straight rock one minute, whip out the accordion and start in with the old Mexican standards the next.
3. "Blister In The Sun" - Violent Femmes: Aaaahhh, yes!! I grew up in the 80's; but when I hit a bar here and this plays, I'll notice people who are all of 22 singing this one.
4. "Boom Boom" - Big Head Todd & The Monsters: It's not often I like a remake, especially of this song. The original is so gritty, so raw, so awesome that it would take a damn good remake to get to me. With John Lee Hooker on this one, they did it.
5. "Simmer Down" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones: I will always love ska and probably will always love ska-punk. I always thought the Bosstones were at their best when they did more of the ska sounds and put a little distance away from the hardcore punk stuff. This Marley remake is brilliant.

Evan Dando of The Lemonheads

6. "Confetti" - The Lemonheads: One of my all-time fave bands. With opening lyrics of "He kinda shoulda sorta woulda loved her if he coulda ...", this song is one that you never forget and is always a welcome return.
7. "Hey Jealousy" - Gin Blossoms: This is one of the greatest Arizona bands ever (along with Jimmy Eat World and The Replacements). These guys play around Arizona State from time to time still.
8. "I Want You Back" - Jackson 5: Pre-creepy Michael. I earnestly challenge you to listen and not tap your toes or bob your head.
9. "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" - The Police: One of the most perfect songs ever. If I ever fall in love again, I hope this song will explain how I feel.

Aaahhh yes; The English Beat still get me to move in my chair as I write this

10. "Save It For Later" - The English Beat (or The Beat in the UK; thanks to Alan for explaining that one to me): This was the first ska song I remember hearing and I automatically fell in love with ska. Ska just speaks to me. VH1 tried to reunite the band but a couple of members held out. I was crushed they didn't get back together
11. "Love Plus One" - Haircut 100: This came out around the same time as Save It For Later. I loved this song as well. This band reunited on VH1 making the Devil very very happy.
12. "But Not Tonight" - Depeche Mode: I still love 80's synth pop with everything from Erasure to Yaz to Dead or Alive. I first heard this in the movie Modern Girls and I instantly had that special feeling for Virginia Madsen.
13. "Laid" - James: The perfect lyric: She only cums when she's on top!! Plus everyone tries to hit the notes after "you think you're so pretty ....eeeeeeeee"
14. "Panic" - The Smiths: Fun sing along about hanging a DJ .. not that Morrissey is a morbid guy. I have never seen so many people happily singing along about murder in my life. Let's all sing "Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ..."
15. "Amor Latino" - Carlos Vives: Irresistible beat. This guy makes traditional Colombia coastal music known as vallenato absolutely cool. This tune has one of the most irresistable accordion riffs ever ... yes, I did say accordion! Another challenge to listen to this one and not tap your feet, drum your fingers or move with the music.
16. "Lucha De Gigantes" - Nacha Pop: This is a beautiful song. If you've seen the movie Amores Perros, this is the song playing when Gael Garcia Bernal finally gets to make love to his brother's wife who he is love with. A little incestuous, very Springer-like but a damn good movie. My friend Edel from Ireland loves this song; she said "you needn't know how to speak Spanish to understand what the song is about".
17. "What's Going On" - Marvin Gaye: Oh how you can you hear this and wonder what has happened to music today. This song is so full of soul and passion, you can feel it.
18. "I'm Like A Bird" - Nelly Furtado: OK, I'll admit it. I've always had a thing for Nelly Furtado. She is flat out sexy, but when I first heard this when she performed on SNL, I loved the tune instantly. Deny it all you like, you find yourself enjoying this tune when others are out of the room.
19. "What I Got" - Sublime: This is one of those tragic rock star stories. Right when this band blows up, the lead singer Bradley Nowell overdoses. This band did it for me; some reggae, mix in some Spanish lyrics from time to time, just enough rock to mix it up. Absolute perfection to me.
20. "Roll Out" - Ludacris: I get to roll out my ghetto side with this. "Who dem girls you be wit' when you be ridin' through ..."; it makes for a damn good song to listen to in your car. You've got to wonder how ghetto a guy driving a Jeep with a Dave Matthews sticker in the back window can be!!!
21. "Live In A Hiding Place" - Idlewild: Simple acoustic song that is a powerful testament to stripping down the studio and just playing some great riffs. It's a testament to a great band with a great song.
22. "Chick Magnet" - MxPx: The nice guys of punk. These guys have been around forever and still somehow put out great tunes after all these years. The video for this is absolutely hilarious.

Molotov: A great Mexican band. Check 'em out!!

23. "Puto" - Molotov: Damn this song is that one I talked about listening to at Spring Break in Mexico. From what I understand, the crowd will chant Puto until the band takes the stage. The band has taken more of a political/socioeconomic turn with songs like Frijolero ("beaner" in English which of course is a derogatory term for Mexicans).

I highly suggest you find an old CD where you're not quite sure what's on it and give it a listen. Tell me what you hear on it!!

London

This is a tough post to write. I've thought about what I wanted to say and it's so hard to write anything that hasn't been said or expressed in some way. My thoughts and prayers are with the British tonight in this hour of terror. I'm glad that all of those wonderful bloggers in the UK are doing fine tonight and that they've come through alive and safe.

It's not a night for me to rant and rave about what the Anti-Christ and the other world leaders should do. It's a time to give thanks for my delivering my friends in the UK from harm and to offer up prayers for those who weren't so lucky.

The ironic thing is that Wednesday morning after the announcement that the Olympics would be held in London, I heard the best testimonial about the character of the English people. It was a story on ESPN radio I heard on my way to work that morning. The commentator was telling a story of how he was in London about 3 years ago at a great little pub. He was going on about how the English were accomodating and genuinely nice, patient, welcoming people. Unfortunately, a rude American decided that since it was raining outside, he wasn't going to smoke outside. Instead, he took a chair and parked his ignorant fat ass in the doorway, puffing away the whole time. The staff at the pub politely asked him to move to which this fuckstick refused all the while somehow blaming them for not having a covered patio for him to smoke under. This went on for some time and the American was just rude as fuck, but the staff never got rude, remained professional, and repeatedly kept asking him nicely to move because it was a fire code violation. The commentator raved about how wonderful the Brits were and how genuinely embarrassed he felt as an American at that moment. It's probably a strange segue but I felt that described the warm nature of the Brits perfectly. God bless the UK, it's people, and keep her safe.

Ohio ... Tat's mandatory, Shirt Optional

It's the 4th of July. A day to reflect on our freedom and partake in one of my favorite pasttimes: people watching. Ohio seems to have some pretty strict laws about fireworks, so I didn't buy my usual assortment of 1/4 sticks of dynamite and bottle rockets which I'd usually end up tossing at my brother.

SS, my friend from Minneapolis, is in town. She wanted to get a slice of Ohio life, so I took her to a nearby township's fireworks display. Boy, did she regret that. First and foremost, we have to park like 2 miles away and walk. Right away, it's like 94 degrees and sticky. Not pleasant.

Then she saw them .... hordes and hordes of them. Mullets.
We were surronded by them. Some of those guys had the mullets which to all mullets aspire; yes, the Super Mullet. Feathered with enough hair for a balding man to comb over for years to come. It was hilarious. My friend walked around with her jaw dropped the whole time as dads with mullets, moms with neck tattos, chubby daughters in half shirts, and cro-magnon sons milled about.
These folks were walking around with those nifty t-shirts with slogans like "Try to burn this one" (complete with a cheesy rendering of the Old Glory) or with some NASCAR car with a huge number on it as if I'm supposed to know who that guy is. Or, it was the other Ohio option when in public ... no shirt at all. This phenomenom seems to be located in the Midwest more than any place I've visited so far. In New Mexico, we had our share of these sort of folk, but running around without a t-shirt didn't seem to the norm. I can't drive over to Blockbuster without seeing some pale guy with a gut like Horatio Sanz out by his apartment drinking a warm can of Pabst Blue Ribbon with his ass hanging out so far that even plumbers think it's disgusting! Needless to say SS was shocked and will doubtless ever bitch about Minneapolis lest she remember her day among the unwashed masses that is Ohio.

Live 8

So it's Saturday and I'm waiting for my friend, SS, to come into town. She is the one that is always in a shitty relationship with a shitty guy. Sometimes I think she wants to be in love so desperately, she is willing to settle for alot less than she deserves. She always claims to be lonely when not in a relationship and hasn't learned to just like herself enough to be alone sometimes (at least that is what I think).

Anyways, I'm waiting for her twice delayed flight to come in and I'm watching some coverage of Live 8. First of all, everything is getting bleeped out on the coverage I'm seeing. Bleeping out Dave Matthews singing "Too Much"? I'm pretty sure I know the lyrics to that song and I don't recall any explicit swearing that would merit bleeping as heavily as ABC is pulling.

Dave spouting off his "filth" enough so to get bleeped on TV!!!

Next, who still thinks Sting is great? I mean, he's this weird middle aged guy now who is a much better actor than his recent music (I still long for the days of The Police and that stupid "Desert Rose" or whatever crappy song he sold to Lexus still haunts my acid reflux nightmares). Third, who keeps telling the Black Eyed Peas they're cool? Just because you've done a Best Buy commercial doesn't make you the epitome of cool (although Fergie from the band is hot). Isn't it about the 15 minute mark for them yet? And finally, The Who. Pete Townshend can still rock, but Roger Daltry is looking a bit slow. Yeah I know they're all like in their 50's. I'm just glad they're not trying to start a big tour like some other old band I know ... ahem .... Rolling Stones. There comes a point where you need to acknowledge that you are just too damn old to rock out; whatever happened to aging gracefully and bowing out to let the youngsters come up?


Anyways, I felt like such a dick on Saturday. There I am bitching because I had to wait to get into my airconditioned Jeep to drive over to the airport to pick up a friend with enough disposable income to simply fly in for a weekend while today in Africa, there will be 30,000 deaths. What an ingrateful prick I am!! I'm bitching about having to sit in my apartment waiting while someone is dying homeless somewhere tonight. It's disgraceful that 30,000 people die in Africa everyday ... yet in the States when one kid gets killed at a Costco because a 200 lb. box wasn't perfectly secured, we have to get all up in arms creating new laws. We have one American go missing from a Carribean nation and every news station in the States is there ... yet no one mentions one word about poor people dying everyday. After watching a bit of this program and taking time to reflect, this is one grateful Devil.

It Might Be Time To Move Out Of The Country

While some people may have just been a bit upset by this, I'm in total panic. Justice O'Connor is retiring from the Supreme Court. Now the Anti-Christ will get to make an appointment to the highest court in the land.

The Bush Legacy

Now some people again may be only mildly upset; I'm in total emergency mode. All I know is that if you believe in freedom, a woman's right to choose, freedom of the press, equal rights, and protecting the environment .. well, you can forget that now.

O'Connor was called the most important associate justice on the Supreme Court. This is gospel if I've ever heard it. I didn't always agree with her voting, but she was definitely a voice of reason on the court. She was the swing vote several times in cases which sought to eliminate a woman's right to choose. Now you can be sure the Anti-Christ will appoint someone very conservative, very evangelical to the bench. This is frightening considering that in America, the Supreme Court weilds such power. I never thought of Bush and legacy in the same sentence, but now I am forced to.

To double your scare, Chief Justice Rehnquist is talking of stepping down as well. So the Anti-Christ might get to appoint 2 nazis to the highest court in the land. There is almost no doubt in my mind that Scalia would be appointed to Chief Justice. I've had the "pleasure" of listening to this arrogant piece of shit speak at our law school. His legal reasoning might be sound when you look at the issue from his point of view. However, with the law, there is always more than one point of view on an issue. All I can is God help this nation ... 'cuz we're gonna need it.