Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dear Axl ....

Dear Axl,
Like everyone else, I've been waiting for well over a decade for this "masterpiece" that you've been working on. Sure, I know you've been busy. After all, cornrows need tons of daily maintenance and you still have to wash those bicycle shorts everyday. You must spend hours still searching for Jerry Rice Oakland Raiders #80 jerseys. Hell, surfing eBay all day for those things is exhausting.

But please do us fans a couple of favors prior to "releasing" Chinese Democracy next month. 1st, get into shape. During your 2002 VMA appearance, you sounded out of breath. I sound like that when I do a 2-mile run so I know that feeling. I know, I know; it's tough when you're over 30 to just start running and exercising. Plus, personal trainers are expensive and $12 million dollars just doesn't go as far as it once did. We all have to watch our spending these days.

Another thing, please quit cancelling shows. See, what you do is you create ill will. Some of your old fans from back in the day might actually want to see you in concert. These poor guys are willing to shell out a couple of hundred hard earned dollars from their jobs as carnys, working at Taco Bell, picking up a few extra hours at Guitar Center, or at Big Ed's Quik-E Oil Change for a pair of those nose bleed seats at the Value City arena in the heartland of O-Hi-O. These guys are getting older and they might eventually lose patience for seeing you live. Heaven forbid they actually find something that might be more important or more dependable live such as an Ohio State football game, another Saw movie or a UFC fight.

Oh yeah, please quit firing every other member of the patchwork band you'll manage to assemble for this album. Just because one of the roadies from the last Meatloaf tour is way down on the list of your choices for guitarists, he might actually be able to pull it off. You can't be pissed off because he's actually relishing his 30 seconds in the spotlight during his guitar solo, so cut him slack.

Lastly, quit talking shit about other bands. Sure, the Eagles of Death Metal maybe aren't the most impressive band. Maybe they're not on par with Nirvana or the Misfits. But let's get one thing straight here: you're old, bro. Seriously, some guy built like Glenn Danzig and a tempter like Zak Wylde might just drop your skinny, old ass. Seriously, the "no-shirt hillbilly getting arrested on cops for oxycontin possession" look isn't good.

SO all in all I can say this: release the damn album and let me have my Dr. Pepper. Let us decide if Chinese Democracy is a masterpiece 15 years in the making or if it's just a self-indulgent piece of crap.

The Devil

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