Sunday, September 11, 2005

How My Work Is Like A Retirement Community

In the midst of regaling some of my friends at work with one of my doubtless witty stories, I made the comment that when I get off work, I would go home. Unbeknownst to my brain, my tongue blurted out that I would go to "the home". This of course led to JHD commenting "The home? What are you in a retirement home?" I did note however that working here is like a retirement community. Don't believe me? Let the Devil explain it to you ....

1. Our day is defined by breaks and meals. Much like your aunt that your family callously threw into the hands of ex-cons posing as nursing staff who rifle through her goods during arts & crafts hour, we too measure our time by events during the day. For instance, we're tied to the phone as some elderly are confined to rooms. So we look forward to those 15 minutes when our tether is cut loose. During meals, we tend to migrate to our little cubby hole and simply stare blankly at our computers eating bland tasteless slabs of meat between bread. Trust me, when I get my lunch break, I am counting down how long 'til I leave this hell hole to go home.

2. We have field trips. We don't get those nifty field trips to Denny's for the early bird specials or to the nickel slots in Vegas. However, we do have the same sort of "team" day activities complete with games that even the most slovenly of us can compete in. Such athletic endeavors include walking over to touch a wall, the 10 yard brisk walk, donut gorging, and sitting for hours on end. Unfortunately, my request for seated "exercises" with Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" have largely gone unheeded.

3. We have alot of shit to deal with. I would kill for some Depends with all of the bullshit I have to put up with some days. I don't know what's worse; having shit physically around my ass in a plastic diaper or having shit fed into my ear by the lazy, ill-mannered, socially inept, or unscrupulous legal community.

4. If you piss yourself, no one notices. Well, not really but it relates to that old saying: Doing a good job here is like pissing yourself wearing black pants, it gives you a warm feeling but no one notices.

5. Our days is planned to the minute. The elderly get shuffleboard or crafts time planned down to the minute. We get the same without the enjoyment; basically it's like this: 8-9 Answer jackass phone calls, 9-10 Answer moronic phone calls, 10-11 Answer braindead fuckhead calls ... you get the idea.

16 comments:

JHD said...

Heh. Nice list, it does sound familiar to me. ;)

But you forgot that when people quit or get fired, they are quietly and secretly escorted out of the buildings so as not to disturb or upset any of the other "residents." Just like how nursing homes deal with residents who have died.

Lauren said...

There's something really gratifying to me to know that you work in a corporate law firm and still call your cohorts "braindead fuckheads." I thought it was just MY profession where everyone fucking sucks.

yournamehere said...

Cincy, I thought you were dead. This post is dated Sept. 11, but it just appeared on my computer today. Glad to know you're still around.

NML said...

Hi stranger. #4 was my absolute favourite and I can't *wait* to say it to my boss on Monday! I hope you're well x

Brookelina said...

I barely got past the photo I was laughing so hard.

Ruben said...

This was hilarious and kind of tragic also. If it makes you feel better my work is like getting a colonic. Now who has it worst Mr. me or you?

A. Estella Sassypants said...

Brilliant observations! Don't forget the occasionaly luau (sp?) and bingo tournament.

Evil Petting Zoo said...

haha! i love the quote in number 4.

yournamehere said...

CINCY, WHERE ARE YOU?

trix said...

ya cincy, where you at?

MoDigli said...

yeahhhhh.... Where have you beeeen???? Hope all is well!

You haven't run off to Spain without me, have you?! :)

Kris said...

Ah yes. Familiar to me, as well. Thankfully most of us still have our own teeth, so that's a real bonus. ;)

Lindsay said...

I, too, am wondering where you went!! Come back, Cincy!

JHD said...

C'mon Devil, get with the program. You know something's wrong when I've updated my blog more than you have... ;)

silly girl, trix are for kids said...

cincy, check out my new blog...miss ya

Evil Petting Zoo said...

Hello? Anyone here?