How Scooby Got That Ass

As a kid, I loved cartoons. Every problem that came up was solved in under a half hour with a few commercials. Everything was simplified in cartoons. When Scooby and Shag got into trouble, the villains were always a step behind. And especially when it came to love .... aahh yes, love. Well, did it get any simpler than that? The girls were always unabashedly flirting with shy guys. There was always the "wolf" or slick character trying to steal the woman away, but in the end, the good guy got the good girl who stuck by her man through thick and thin.

Now, I'm older (I refuse to say an adult because it's evident my life lends no credence to this claim) and I still love cartoons. BUT life doesn't conform to cartoons, although it should! Villains should always get their just deserts but let's face it ... life isn't fair or instructive or easy to follow.

You see, dating ML has not only destroyed my self confidence, it impaired any senses I had ever developed in detecting interest from the opposite sex. In a cartoon, I could shy and the female lead would keep the pressure on me 'til I got the hint. Not so in real life. On more than one occassion this past week in hell .... errr, I mean my part-time job, I have been talking to a cute female customer. All seems to be going well; they seem to enjoy chatting with me; and there is even some innocent flirting. There is even that awkward point where you're talking with someone and you're both smiling like idiots and there seems to be that "either ask her out or shut up" sentiment.

So I've decided to put together a few pointers for any female readers that make it easy for us men to know you're flirting with us and not merely being nice to the poor schlep who just rang your Ben & Jerry's .....

1. Drop the fact that you've got a boyfriend or husband or if you're not interested, make up a boyfriend: Nothing kills a nice guy's hope quicker than dropping the fact that there is a guy who is already miserable with your incessant criticisms. Of course, there are always the guys who refuse to give up, no matter what. These guys are like the herpes of the dating world: you might be able to get rid of them for a while, but you'll never really get rid of them.

2. Flirt back: Remember, this guy is putting himself out there and you're either going to drop him like a shit-filled diaper or you're going to give the old boy a chance. Flirt back with him as well; you're letting him know it's okay for him to keep doing what he is doing ... unless he is already dropping his pants and shopping for condoms.

3. Linger around a bit: If you're interested, keep talking to a guy. He'll finally work up the courage to ask for your number. If he asks right away, he's taking the shotgun approach: throw out as many shots as you can and hopefully one of 'em will hit. If a guy really is interested in you, he'll be a bit more careful so as not to screw it up.

4. Do something physical to give him a clue: I know that anytime a woman touches you first, it is her way of letting you know she is interested. Of course, I'm not talking about if you brush by him on the way to take a dump in a public restroom. Touch him, put your hand on his shoulder, bump into him in a flirty way .... hell, even better, pull out a tit and let him suckle. I know I'd appreciate the latter method.

5. Give us a window of opportunity: Trust me, if we're interested in you, we're looking for any excuse to get your digits. The best thing is start talking about something you want to do but haven't had a chance to do because either you have no one to go with or you're new to town. Unless the guy is as clueless as yours truly, he'll get the hint. I pretty much have to have a girl say "Hey moron, give me your phone number because I'd like to start a relationship with you."

As per my usual posts, please feel free to add some additional flirting methods. I need one of you to write a flirting guide for men from the woman's perspective.