I've determined that I will probably be alone the rest of my life and die one of those horrible deaths you read about on the back page of your local paper or in News of the Weird where I kick the bucket and my pet ferrett has to eat my carcass to survive until someone at work notices that the tubby Latin guy hasn't been in for about a week.Why yes, I do have a penchant for the dramatic.
See this handsome fella to the left here. Yeah ... him. See, that is what my future revealed looks like. This all came to me this past week when I was driving in to work. It had rained like hell the night before and the roads were a little damp. I'm hauling ass like in the left lane LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD WHO DRIVES IN THE LEFT LANE ... ahem. Anyways, I'm driving in when the jack-fuck in front of me decides he needs to slow down ... very quickly. I hit my brakes and my car starts to hydroplane. In an instant, my life flashed in front of my eyes. Know what I saw? A gray patch ... literally a gray plane with nothing significant happening. It was this big void of nothingness and just sheer panic.
I didn't hit the car and I have to admit that I was crushed that my life didn't flash before my eyes with a host of milestones. As I started driving again and pulling my boxers out from the inside of my ass (thus giving a nearly literal translation to the term skid mark), I realized that currently the things I look forward to are quite pathetic.
Is the fact that the cafeteria at work is serving tacos on Thursday really something to look forward to? Should I really be crossing my legs in anticipation and bouncing like a little school kid waiting for the new Jackass movie to be released? Just how much excitement should building your Friday evening around a trip to Barnes & Noble really garner? It was as if Dean Wormer were speaking to my life when he said "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son".
So I've decided to embrace my inevitable fate as a single curmudgeon by looking forward to those things that will make me so. For instance, I have decided that I will now give myself permission to wear black dress socks with sandals since there will be no wife yelling at me to not do so. I will buy the top-of-the-line garden hose to spray on small children and dogs daring to cross my lawn. I will refuse to update my wardrobe more than once every 5 years since I will have no one to impress. I get to let my ear hair grow wildly a la Yoda. I resolve to keep all stray baseballs, frisbees, and footballs that accidentally get tossed into my back yard.
Yes my friends ... while I may end up like my friend Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force with my Coors Light cut-out of Pam Anderson being the only thing resembling the female form to grace my bed, I will have a damn good time becoming the curmudgeon I am inevitably fated to be.
Now you damn kids get off of my blog!!!!
18 comments:
I suppose you'll be letting the ear hair grow as well?
Aaaack, no black dress socks with sandals!!!!!!!
I don't even know what you look like as I have never met you BUT no ear hair...please!
Get off your blog? Make me!
Could be worse. There is a girl at the Perimeter Barnes and Noble, dressed in workout clothes, who walkes in circles around the barista bar.
but then again - I wrote about lima beans yesterday. go figure.
Come to TX! Marry me! You don't have to die alone!
Are you sure the big grey patch you saw wasn't just the asphalt?
I think I can deal with the black dress socks with sandals as long as...
a) it's not paired with yellow/orange funky plaid bermuda shorts, and
b) you don't spend your entire day sitting in a lawn chair in your garage watering your driveway with that top-of-the-line garden hose.
Maybe.
Let me know if you want me to have a chat with S (or you could do the same yourself if you ever checked email *ahem*). I think she's still on the lookout for a woman for you.
while you're at it you should start pissing in the the kitchen sink just because you don't feel like walking to teh bathroom... if I ever have to go into "let myself go" mode- that's high up on my list... I'd also make a point never to clean out fast food bags from the passenger seat of my car- just let them pile up until nobody can sit in the seat without first doing a good 5 minutes of relocating my trash to the back seat.
this is the funniest thing you have ever written!!!...you silly man you!!
Grins-
Of course! Is there any other way to become a curmudgeon?
Lindsay-
Admit it! You'd think it's sexy ;)
MsABCMom-
SO the Yoda look isn't a good thing?
Mariemm-
OH, we are so going that the Barnes & Noble next time you visit!
JHD-
Of course I'll wear those sweet bermuda shorts. There is no other way to be that cool when I'm old!
Andi-
You give me the go-ahead and I'll be there tomorrow!
Joel-
Not sure about the pissing in the sink thing. I can't even pee in the shower ... I know, I know. But I just can't bring myself to do it.
Sonrisa-
Thank ya kindly. I try!
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