Graduating In 4 Years Is A Miracle At Gold's Gym

I love going to my gym. I really do. I have gotten past that point where you look for excuses not to go and I now feel completely guilty if I don't. I drink diet soft drinks exclusively. I actually watch what I eat now (I know Deeesguy is having a fit over his cup of coffee or is spitting out his Coca-Cola Classic since I swore I would NEVER become one of those Diet Coke drinkers ... does Coke Zero count??). Yes, I'm becoming a semi-regular healthy person. I say semi-healthy because I still slip a few times a week and hit Sonic for a Cherry Limeade … which is like manna from heaven.

So I go to my gym which happens to be named after a precious metal (as if that wasn't enough of a hint) about 4 to 5 times a week. I like to go in, do my workout unimpeded and get out. I'm usually in and out in about an hour and a half. Except for those days when these annoying types show up …

The Chach: The gym is full of these chach types. My wonderful friend, SR, in Dayton gave me this term and I fully intend to proliferate its use. Yes, the Chach. This guy shows up at the gym with hair done carefully … no, I'm serious. He's got enough gel in his hair to create a papier-mache Trojan horse. He's actually taken the time to do his hair and to lather himself with self tanner to go "work out". He's also got the standard armband tattoo of razor wire or some "tribal" design to go along with his oh so white Sketchers or super clean Nikes. He does all of his exercises in front of the mirrors so that he can be assured that you see him and he's strategically parked his A&F wearing ass in front of the dumbbells so you must "adore" his physique to pick up a 20 pounder. I did note that he's wearing an A&F tee and not an old college t-shirt because neither the University of Phoenix nor community colleges have alumni tees yet.

Soccer Mom and/or FOX news Dad: These two shouldn't be allowed to breed, but since ignorance and stupidity are still legal, I must deal with these two when they decide to load up the mini-van with their brood for a "work out" session. Normally, mom will spend 15 minutes on the elliptical and then wander aimlessly around the weight machines stopping to park her dimpled ass on a piece of machinery. FOX news Dad is the braindead fuck who is shaking his head in agreement with whatever Bill O'Reilly (a.k.a. one of Satan's minions) says whilst his useless spawn run around the gym. FOX news dad will go do some curls with far too much weight and sway his body back and forth to lift it which actually doesn't do him a bit of good … then we won't see his tired ass in there for another 3 weeks until the current season of American Douchebag is over.

The Personal Trainers: Now, am I bit jealous that I don't have a chiseled body like that? Sure I am. Would I love to have the cheesy 20-something year old secretaries (who, by the way call themselves "young professionals … lol … sorry, just being a snob and a dick at the same time), swoon all over me? What red-blooded guy wouldn't? But a conversation I overheard with one of the trainers with a new gym member affirmed my sense of self-snobbery. He was with a young girl with looks not unlike Olive Oil wearing a Princeton tee who had just signed up with the gym:

Trainer: So did you really go to Princeton?
Olive Oil: Yeah … I just graduated this year.
Trainer: Congratulations! You seem kinda young to finish college. How old are you?
Olive Oil: 22.
Trainer: You mean you finished college in four years? Boy, do I feel like a dumbass.

Welcome to my gym people!!!