Andi Nailed Me ... OK, It's Wishful Thinking But It Sounds Good!

Aaaaaahhhh .... the effervescent and half-nekkid Andi posted these questions for moi to answer ... and answer them I shall!! If you're feeling bored, you can comment on these bad boys.

Here are the instructions:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. If you could be any Napoleon Dynamite character who would you be and why?

Well, I'd prefer to be Pedro. After all, it's the obvious choice since he enjoys the short hair styles of which I'm a fan of. Yeah, yeah, yeah ... he's one of my peeps. But I've also harbored delusions of a political nature where I'd run for office, but I wouldn't kiss big corporate ass, hence, I'd never get elected. In all actuality though, I'd probably end up like Uncle Rico. Driving a bitchin' van (a.k.a. The Stabbin' Wagon) with one of those sweet heart shaped windows on the side, looking for the next get rich scheme, and trying to buy a time travel machine to go back in time where I could be the coolest guy around.

2. If you were a NASCAR driver (God forbid) who would you choose to sponsor your car and have plastered all over it.

First of all, I'd probably get sick and bored making left turns all day, having some yokels playing Toby Keith records, mullet-haired fans drinking Hamms and Pabst Blue Ribbon, and quoting Jeff Foxworthy all day. First of all the biggest sponsor would be something completely hilarious and offensive ... maybe like Astro-Glide lubricant. Then the sponsors who are the usual litany of bad taste .. .maybe like Hustler magazine or some really low grade men's magazine with a crude name like Shaved Snits where the girls have like bullet holes & stretch marks. Oh yeah, and maybe like Nike or Columbia so I could get some cool free gear. And the car's colors would be in some tacky colors or a plaid pattern. Or I could just go with the obvious sponsor and select High Times magazine. Then I'd drive like 20 m.p.h..

3. If you were playing truth or dare what is the grossest concoction you would dare someone to drink?

A bottle of Kirstie Alley's sweat from the last all you can eat Chinese buffet she bankrupted. Not gross enough? How about a pint of Rush Limbaugh's saliva after about 20 of those Oxycontin? A gallon of Star Jone's bath water? I could just liquify W's brain and make someone drink that .. but it would mostly be air and full of nothing substantive.

4. In order to save the world from bloody destruction, would you take one for the team and sleep with Rosie O'Donnell? Elaborate on the why and how.

This is a cruel joke, right? The only reason I'd do it is to save my family and of course, all of you that take time to read my drivel. I'd have to lay some ground rules. First of all, no kissing. Second, only doggie style so I wouldn't have to look at her. With my luck she'd say something in the middle like "Give me 8 inches and make it hurt!!!" Then I'd have to fuck her twice and hit her in the head with a brick.

5. If you wrote a book, what would the title be?

Well, it would have to have some sort of witty title like "I Know You'll Never Read This" or "Shit You Don't Wanna Know About". I think we all in some way aspire to write the great American novel but I could never come up with a witty title. I suck. Come to think about it, that would be a great title "I Suck".