Room Full Of Socks & Hormones And The Smoking Priest

I told Ruben I'd finish my story of "The Talk" but the topic had sorta slipped my mind until tonight. Tracy Morgan was on The Jimmy Kimmel Show making a joke about his son is now hitting puberty. He was stating that his son's room is full of socks and hormones. The guys will get that whole sock joke. So my story is as follows ...

I attended Catholic school for only 4 years of my life: Kindergarten, 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. I went to what was probably a more progressive Catholic school if such a thing exists. In fact, I only got swats twice that I can remember. Anyways, it was 6th grade year and one day we were called away from the classrooms to the church's meeting rooms. The girls went into one room while we boys were led to another. Now normally when this sort of thing happened, it was because we were being lectured for things like Ronnie C. and I throwing snowballs or John O. talking during class or Christal G. passing notes. Oh, if only that were the reason for being called in there ....

Yes, it was "The Talk". Apparently some of our parents had cornered the priests and nuns and convinced them we needed the talk with Catholic values instilled into it. So the boys get Father Juan and the girls got Sister Francis. Father Juan was about 40, definitely a disciplinarian, and had that St. Francis bald spot thing going. So Father Juan starts in with the whole thing about how sex is supposed to be something between two people who love one another, it's a beautiful thing, etc..

Well, after he finished up the preliminary soft talk, he lights up a cigarette and we go hard core. He begins to describe the female body with a drawing that someone must've created just for the class. Father J is about as nervous as a virgin on prom night (I can hear all the snickers and side comments on this one) as he begins to get into the specifics of sex. He inhaled the first cigarette and lights up another. He starts to ask something like how many of you boys have had those dreams where you wake up and don't know quite what's happened? Now being the good Catholic boy that I am, I raise my hand and realize I'm the only one answering. Damn ... now I'm embarrassed. Father J explains that it's not a sin because you don't know what's happening and you can't control it. Again, being the good Catholic that I am, I'm relieved.

So Father J is going through the specifics of sex and smoking like a train. The room is now musty, stale, and smells like we're a bunch of G.I.'s sitting at the VFW drinking Schlitz on tap and swapping war stories. He asks another question, "Who here has seen a naked lady in a magazine or on TV?" Only John O. and myself raise our hands. Damnit!! Why am I so honest in large groups? Now, I know that Leo C. and Ronnie C. are lying because they've spent the night at my house and snuk out my dad's old Playboys. Trust me, they saw every bit of Ms. 1981 just as I did. Luckily Father didn't decide to break out the ruler and rap our knuckles for having seen the female body!

After about 2 hours on a Friday afternoon, we're dismissed at 3 o'clock. We come out smelling like cigarettes and sweat (Father J was shaking like a leaf in a tree the whole time). Father J must've went through a pack and a half. I think I developed black lung in those couple of hours. My mom had to know that was the day we had the talk, but I never told her about it of course 'til I was much older. From what I heard later, the girls got to watch a video. Surprisingly, Father J never really started the whole fire and brimstone talk about sex. He was actually pretty cool about it. And that is my story about "The Talk" .. basically, mom and dad wimped out!!!

The Remedy For All Of Your Catholic Guilt Needs