The Cincysundevil Made Me Do It

It's time for a relaunch .....

2009-08-11T16:26:00.001-05:00

I’m a lucky guy. No, really, I am. I’ve got a fiancé that is way too beautiful to settle for a slug like me. But somehow, she has. She has decided to cast her lot with me and I say good luck to that. We have one daughter from her previous relationship. She is every bit as stubborn as I am. I swear it’s like two bulls in a pen … one of us has to win. For now, I’m the adult and that gives me the leg up.

I’m always one step away from greatness. I’m the guy who gets the great interview with say the Department of Justice or a monster law firm only to come out being their 3^rd choice behind the guy who graduated Cum Laude at Stanford Law while starting a non-profit to give shoes to amputees in 3^rd world countries and behind the gal who was law review editor at Vanderbilt while clerking for a federal judge.

I bitch a lot and my girl lets me know that. Hopefully she is slowly becoming immune to it. She’s calling me out on my shit and that is a good thing. I’m getting lazy. I used to work out every day and now I find every excuse to not hit the gym. “I hate the chachs ….” or “My running shoes don’t feel right …” or “My plantar fasciitis is acting up ….” or any variant thereof are my latest mantras. I feel fat and I am fat. I’m in the military reserves and you’d think I’d be more gung ho …. but you’d be wrong. I’m getting older, my body is letting me know it and I hate myself (or my body for that matter really) for the information.

But I really am a lucky guy. I’ve seen much of the world and can’t wait to see more. I am educated enough to have plenty of options. Having a law degree ensures that while I could go work for a firm, I could also go solo if need be or if I want to. I have that wonderful woman in my life. I have an understanding family. I am fairly healthy in the sense that I can run 3 or 4 miles and not die. I have great friends everywhere. What more could a guy bitch about? I’ll show you here on this blog …..

Jim Crow Out West

2008-10-29T12:29:00.005-05:00

As Americans, we have a pathetically short memory of history. We'd all like to think that the days of Jim Crow are long gone. We'd all like to think that we're past the point of discriminating against people based on their skin color. Today's segregationists are using a much more subtle method with the same result however.

Don't believe me? Look at what is going on in Colorado this week. Secretary of State Mike Coffman is purging voters from the rosters this close to the election. He's doing this in clear violation of the National Voting Rights Act (NVRA) which prohibits purging a voter within 90 days of a federal election. Naturally, Coffman is a Republican who is trying to purge the rolls of those folks who might not vote for the GOP. You know, minorities and the poor.

Guess what Coffman's defense to this is? It's absolutely absurd, however, Coffman's defense is that state law allows him to violate the NVRA. Now, I know that with my Juris Doctorate, I might have a leg up on some people. However, we all had civics in grade school sometime and the point of that lesson is that FEDERAL LAW TRUMPS STATE LAW!!!

What is particularly disturbing is that the Jim Crow laws in the South were often defended on this state's right claim. All Coffman and several other GOP election officials are doing is creating a new more subtle form of Jim Crow laws. There is currently a federal lawsuit over this and let's all hope that the Courts can see right through this bullshit.

Let's Try This Again : Top Five Tuesday

2008-10-28T16:46:00.012-05:00

I used to love this posting every week. I used to giggle with glee in the past when I would start thinking of topics. I would rack my brains for the week leading up to Tuesday. So why not do something I enjoy with my blog .... after all, it is my blog. So, without further delay, here we go with my relaunching of Top 5 Tuesday:

Top 5 Disappointments of 2008 (So far ..... )

5. Rush Limbaugh hasn't OD'ed on hillbilly herion, Bill O'Reilly hasn't contracted Hepatitis C, nor has Anne Coulter gotten her ass kicked by a lesbian : The good Lord hasn't seen fit to let us witness his vengance, but trust me, it will be sweet when it happens.

4. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull : Seriously, almost 20 years to make this movie? It felt like Speilberg and Lucas threw a script together in a few hours. Oh yeah, any time you bring in the kid of one of the characters for more than a "by the way" character, you've jumped the shark.

3. Arizona State Football : Pre-season Top 20 team and for the 1st 2 games, it looked like they might actually live up to it. However, a loss to UNLV at home and my team dropped quicker than a drunk sorority girl's bra at a "Girls Gone Wild" bar event.

2. The current music scene : Seriously, there is no one band that has gotten me fired up. Hell, even Hinder somehow managed to drag their useless chach rock carcasses off of the county fair circuit and back onto MTV. Everything being played is so promoted by the industry, there is absolutely no chance for anything different and exciting to come along. How many more "straight from the street" hip-hop acts can come along,make it big, and then they're never heard from again? Heard anything from Young Joc or Webstar lately? Didn't think so ......

1. The Death of LeRoi Moore : This isn't really a disappointment per say in that it's not something he did or didn't do. Rather, I'm more disappointed in myself for not realizing how fleeting life can be. My friends CV, MC and I went to the Dave Matthews Band concert at Piedmont Park in Atlanta. It was an amazing show and you don't stop to think that it could be the last time you see someone. I guess whether Dave and the Band stay together or split up is whatever they think LeRoi would've wanted.

Monday's Piece of Meat

2008-10-27T15:44:00.001-05:00

I can usually sympathize with most people. A single mother with 2 kids who is working and going to school I'll give big ups to. A blue collar father working 3rd shift at the factory to make that extra bit of money so that his home doesn't go into repossession and his kids have what they need gets all the respect possible from me. The student going to school and working 2 jobs to pay tuition is due all the praise possible. These are the people who represent the backbone of America.

But let's turn to another group of people who deserve neither praise nor respect: the spoiled prima-donnas of sports and entertainment.

See, this was brought on with a crybaby claim this weekend. Kellen Winslow of the Cleveland Browns has recently had a staph infection stemming from prior injuries. The team has had 6 of them this year. Shouldn't a team paying a player $40 million for 6 years take better care of him? Absolutely. Doesn't a player deserve to get his injuries treated as best as possible? Well, no more than you or I but yes, we all deserve health care.

But .... then again, shouldn't a candyass getting that much money read his contract first? In 2006 Winslow was hurt in the 2nd game of the year so he was out the rest of the season. Before the 2007 season, Winslow was hurt again only this time it was his fault. He was riding a motorcycle in a community center parking lot. Not his fault? Maybe .... but his contract stipulates that he was not to be riding a motorcycle. So for $40 million dollars, he couldn't pay for someone to summarize his contract in easy to read language? For $40 million dollars you couldn't chill out at home playing X-Box or PS3? I think for that much money you could afford a system and a few games.

Now he's claiming that he's being treated as a "piece of meat" because of his current staph infection. Now I've had some great cuts of meat, but never a $40 million piece of meat. Unfortunately, this cut is spoiled rotten and smells to holy hell.

How College Football Is Like An Abusive Relationship

2008-10-26T20:23:00.010-05:00

My relationship with my favorite teams is abusive. It really is. Imagine if you will an episode of Cheaters with me as the spurned husband and my beloved ASU football team as the low-down cheating spouse:

Cue the intro music ... Show Joey Greco's cheesy goatee, etc......

Joey: Hi, I'm Joey Greco and meet the Devil. A fragile, older fan who suspects that his ASU football team is flirting with complete and utter failure this season. In our interview, the Devil explains his suspicisions.

Devil: I don't know what's going on. I mean, like last season. They were winning and then towards the end of the season, they started letting me down. They beat Arizona but couldn't come through when it really mattered. Maybe it was the euphoria of being undefeated for so long. But I love them and decided to give them one more season. After all, I have a degree from ASU, you know? I have my suspicions that they're being unfaithful to their promises from last season.

Joey: As the Devil's suspicions grow, our private investigators trail ASU to confirm their infidelity.

Voiceover: Game 1 and Game 2 seem uneventful. ASU does what it needs to do to against Northern Arizona and Stanford. In Game 3, a new mistress appears. Cheater's PI's have identified this mistress as LOSING appears. In Games 4, 5, 6 and 7 yet another mistresss identified as GETTING YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU appears and never leaves.

Yeah, this is about how badly things have went this season. It's like an abusive relationship with that friend we all know. No matter how you put it, he or she won't leave their abusive partner. They always somehow rationalize it as I would. The friend might tell you "BUT you don't understand him/her. You don't get to see the nice things that go on." Or in my case ... "You didn't see last season. They were so good."

I guess I'll have to catch ASU in the bed we share on top of COMPLETELY PATHETIC before I'll consider leaving.

Dear Axl ....

2008-10-25T10:51:00.015-05:00

Dear Axl,

Like everyone else, I've been waiting for well over a decade for this "masterpiece" that you've been working on. Sure, I know you've been busy. After all, cornrows need tons of daily maintenance and you still have to wash those bicycle shorts everyday. You must spend hours still searching for Jerry Rice Oakland Raiders #80 jerseys. Hell, surfing eBay all day for those things is exhausting.

But please do us fans a couple of favors prior to "releasing" Chinese Democracy next month. 1st, get into shape. During your 2002 VMA appearance, you sounded out of breath. I sound like that when I do a 2-mile run so I know that feeling. I know, I know; it's tough when you're over 30 to just start running and exercising. Plus, personal trainers are expensive and $12 million dollars just doesn't go as far as it once did. We all have to watch our spending these days.

Another thing, please quit cancelling shows. See, what you do is you create ill will. Some of your old fans from back in the day might actually want to see you in concert. These poor guys are willing to shell out a couple of hundred hard earned dollars from their jobs as carnys, working at Taco Bell, picking up a few extra hours at Guitar Center, or at Big Ed's Quik-E Oil Change for a pair of those nose bleed seats at the Value City arena in the heartland of O-Hi-O. These guys are getting older and they might eventually lose patience for seeing you live. Heaven forbid they actually find something that might be more important or more dependable live such as an Ohio State football game, another Saw movie or a UFC fight.

Oh yeah, please quit firing every other member of the patchwork band you'll manage to assemble for this album. Just because one of the roadies from the last Meatloaf tour is way down on the list of your choices for guitarists, he might actually be able to pull it off. You can't be pissed off because he's actually relishing his 30 seconds in the spotlight during his guitar solo, so cut him slack.

Lastly, quit talking shit about other bands. Sure, the Eagles of Death Metal maybe aren't the most impressive band. Maybe they're not on par with Nirvana or the Misfits. But let's get one thing straight here: you're old, bro. Seriously, some guy built like Glenn Danzig and a tempter like Zak Wylde might just drop your skinny, old ass. Seriously, the "no-shirt hillbilly getting arrested on cops for oxycontin possession" look isn't good.

SO all in all I can say this: release the damn album and let me have my Dr. Pepper. Let us decide if Chinese Democracy is a masterpiece 15 years in the making or if it's just a self-indulgent piece of crap.

Sincerely,
The Devil

True Stories of Casual Friday

2008-10-24T14:20:00.012-05:00

Being a government worker had its perks to be certain. It was hard to get fired despite any degree of incompetence, especially in Atlanta. Don't believe me? Read this article sometime about the work ethic of many of Atlanta's government employees. That's right; 911 operators sleeping on the job, getting tons of warnings, making life threatening errors and still keeping a job. All you get is a warning and you're back at work that same. Suspensions? Oh no, not in Atlanta. See, nearly everyone with any sense will appeal a suspension and they will be back on the job immediately with backpay for the missing days.

But even yours truly has had his run in with the high standards of Atlanta government workers. Yes, I was a government worker in the Atlanta area but thank all that is holy I am no longer working there.

One afternoon, my friend KG and I decided to hit Quizno's for lunch. Being payday, all the malcontents were out and about with your truly being no exception. Sure I was a malcontent, but let's get back to the story lest I digress. Anyhow, in the middle of my Quizno's classic, I notice what appears to be a ghetto-ass broke down version of Lil' Kim. Ghettofabulous in all of her glory. Extensions, tatoo on the neck, gold tooth, corn chip finger nails and airbrushed toe nails. It gets worse though. She was wearing a half-shirt top that made her look as if she was trying to smuggle an inner-tube back into the office. To top it off, she was wearing a mini-skirt that was so short I determine her religion. The kicker, though, was a tatoo across her thigh in olde English font with someone's name.

Plus, she was bemoaning the fact that one of her supervisors at work had told her the skirt was too short!! I mean, imagine the gall of a manager to tell his employee that she wasn't dressed appropriately for an office environment. Super short mini-skirts are the new Brooks Brothers look after all.

However as disturbing as this was, KG summarily informed that this girl was the receptionist at the IT department in a nearby government building. So this woman was the face of her department. In other words, when you walk into the particular IT department's reception area, she is the one to greet you!!

Guess what day this happened on? Yep, Friday. This girl definitely ruined casual Friday for her office.

A Simple Plea For Americans

2008-10-23T18:51:00.007-05:00

One of the many blogs I still peruse from time to time posted this video below. I had a hard time figuring out how to put into words the feelings that swell up inside of me when I see it. Right now, we're so divided into blue and red, rich and poor, liberal and conservative, black and white, us and them. I know I give in to those emotions too easily for that very reason: it's easy.

But even the Devil has a heart and some sensitivity. See, in this time of increasing bitterness as the political season comes to an end, it's a shame that we don't focus on the things that unite us rather than divide us. This video drives home that point more than just about anything I've seen lately. Joy is universal. Laughter is human. Silliness is something we all enjoy.

SO my simple plea for Americans is this. Go out and travel the world. The world is so much bigger than Ohio or Texas or New York. Meet people from different places in the world and listen to them. I think what you'll find is that they love their children as much as we do. They want social justice and to help the poor as much as we do. They can laugh at a dick and fart joke every bit as hard as we do.

Have a beer with a farmer from Mexico and ask him what he wants for his family. Ask that family from Syria or Palestine what they want for their children over a cup of coffee. Break bread with some young people from India or Kenya or Russia or Iran and ask what kind of world they want to see when they have children. Guess what? Fundamentally they'll want the same things. No, they may not necessarily be eyeballing that 47" HD TV, but they want clean water and food. Schools and education for their children would be near the top of their wish list. A safe place to call home. The ability for their children to walk home without worrying about mortars. We want the same damn things.

But go out and travel the world; meet some people and share a beer. THEN develop your opinion. If it's the same as before, then great but at least you'll have some perspective. I'll guarantee you though ... you won't be the same and you will learn something.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Proof That This Nation Is One Step Away From ....

2008-10-22T17:39:00.001-05:00

... going to hell in a handbasket!!

Bungle Town

2008-10-21T17:07:00.006-05:00

It's hilarious. No, really it is. The Cincinnati Bengals are 0-7. Read that again please. ZERO wins and SEVEN losses. It's great how the Cincinnati media is always fed up with this happening again and again and again. In fact, the Bengals have had the most most 0 - 6 starts in NFL history; 8 to be exact. That's twice as many as the Arizona Cardinals ... the fucking Cardinals!! They haven't been to a Superbowl but they have exactly 1/2 the 0 - 6 starts as the Bengals.

While heads must roll in this situation, the calls are for wrong head to roll. Just like GOP supporters are condemning Obama for an association with Ayers whose crime was committed when Barack's age was in single digits, Bungles fans are calling for the head of coach Marvin Lewis. This is akin to the whole "liberal" media argument that pinheads always scream about. While the majority of newscasters themselves might be liberal, the majority of editors who decide the actual content are overwhelmingly conservative.

Don't get me wrong; I've seen this team play. There is plenty of blame to go around. But blaming it all solely on Lewis is like blaming that damn Katie Couric for making Palin look unintelligent. You can only work with what you're given (in Palin's case ... that isn't much). Blaming Lewis for this team is like blaming Obama for passing the bailout bill. He's just one small cog in the whole wheel in a series of gears.

No folks; the real blame here actually lies at the top. It's the team owner, Mike Brown. See, he's never hired a real General Manager and refuses to pay for one. He thinks because his father was the late, great Paul Brown that he's somehow genetically inclined to be some sort of football guru. Nothing could be further from the truth. Under his watch, this team has fallen apart even though it wasn't much of a team to begin with. No Bengals fans, the sad truth is one thing. Until Mike Brown either sells the team or relinquishes control, 0-7 starts will be the rule rather than the exception.

Holy Shit It's Christmas ... In October????

2008-10-19T11:55:00.008-05:00

Every year, the Christmas season gets earlier and earlier. I was at an unnamed drugstore the other day and they've already got the Christmas shit up. What the fuck? It's not even Halloween. So along with candy corn, go ahead and pick up a can of that toxic fake-snow shit that pollutes windows in the deep South where there is no snow.

Whose fault is this? Whose grand idea is it to start making poor parents feel like shit for not being able to provide ungrateful demon spawn with that new sportscar just like that cunt from some bullshit staged "reality" show on MTV? Whose fault is it anytime we're glutted with cheap shit from China or repeated violations of worker's rights? Yep, it's the fucking evil empire .... Wal-Mart.

Apparently what I saw is in response to the hordes of cheaply made shit the evil empire is flooding the American market with. After all, what encompasses the spirit of Christmas more than spending money you don't have at a retailer whose labor violations record is longer than the list of excuses the GOP has been giving why Palin is qualified to be VP.

Truly Christmas is in the heart of that "labor" force in China working 14 hour days, 6 days a week. God bless us all, each and every one of us ... except those of you who don't subscribe to the right religion or political bent .... you un-American heathen!!

Just Die With Some Fucking Dignity

2008-10-18T16:33:00.006-05:00

There's something to be said about acting your age. We all know some relative or close acquaintance that is convinced he or she is still in their 20's. To paraphrase George Lopez, at one time they may have been hot. That was then, this is now.

So why in God's name are we trying to convince the baby boomers that they can still act cool? Seriously, so you're going to have Social Security and get to live on golf courses while my generation will be saddled with so much debt we'll be giving prison blowjobs for some ramen. So you'll have Medicare and Medicaid for your Viagra while I'll be forced to take trips south of the border hoping that Spanish fly is still for sale. Please quit trying to convince this generation that they're still cool and vibrant.

OK, I get it that you were hippies. Sure, I understand that your saw the Stones back in '69. Yeah, I get it that you once owned a Harley and drank Canadian Club whiskey.

But you also brought the leisure suit. You also gave us Brut cologne. And of course, you gave us the porn stache. But advertisers in the quest to always hock something have created a niche catering to this generation.

The worst is this Touch of Gray commercial with the old geezers surfing and "rocking out" on stage like they're in a bizarro world version of an A&F commercial. They show an old guy and his equally old wife on stage at a "club". His wife kisses him and he's one moment away from his dentures falling out. One geezer takes it to the rim against some younger guys with the coordination of a sorority girl at a fraternity kegger.

But to quote Grandpa Simpson, I'm tired of seeing commercials with these active seniors. Let's see a real commercial. Show me the old woman at Kroger who can't figure out how a self-scanning checkout works. Show me the old man who still can't figure out how to make a call on a cell phone. Show me the old couple who are watching 4 channels on their TV because they can't fathom the idea of using their cable box. Show me the old man walking during the summer with black dress socks in sandals.

Look, we're all going to get older. Hell, I'm old as dirt now. But that doesn't mean that I have to wear socks and sandals. I won't be tucking in t-shirts into my shorts. I'm not going to wear those suspenders that hold up socks. I'll just act dignified and quit trying to act like I'm in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. In fact, I'll be like the old man in this clip!!

It's All Joe Six Pack's Fault!!!

2008-10-17T10:01:00.010-05:00

I know, I haven't blogged in years. It's true ... I've become everything I hated. The guy who can't finish a whole pizza leaving 1 slice. The guy who starts yawning at 1:00 AM when he's out with the guys. The guy who actually enjoys watching Antique Roadshow (shudder). The Devil is even in a great relationship with an amazing woman who is way too hot for him. But as all good things must come to an end, some good things can always start again. Thus I will TRY to blog again and keep it going. Sure, I may not be bitching about the opposite sex as much, but I still have plenty of venom left!

Today's bitch is about this election. What in the name of all that is holy is going on?? Didn't we learn a lesson from the last 8 years?? Why in God's name would be put another bonehead in the Oval Office?? Not necessarily McCain but that sorry excuse of a politician named Palin!!! Jesus fucking Christ .... what in the ... how in the ... whose brilliant idea .... I just can't even begin to put this into words!

Let me say this up front. I'm a blue collar sort of guy. Seriously, I am. I grew up with parents who worked blue collar jobs for a living. Neither of them went to college but they understood the value of hard work. They had to stretch every red cent to get the most of it. They enjoy a cold beer on the back patio as much as anyone. So if anyone understands blue collar, it is none other than the Devil, my friends.

With that being said, please spare me this Joe Six Pack bullshit of "I want a president who can sit down and have a beer with me". Really?? So let me get this straight ... you (being the proverbial Joe Six Pack - Palin bonehead supporter) want the leader of the free world to stop in at the double-wide and drink a Miller Hi-Life with you?? So because Jasper knows how to skin a buck in the field means he's able to cope with the complexities of the world's economic markets? That is your criteria for a president???

I'll be the asshole once again and say it: I want a president whose intelligence makes me look like W. I want someone who might be more concerned about the situation in Myanmar rather than whether the mountains turned blue on a can of Coors Light. Give me a president who understands the subleties of international diplomacy rather than the intricacies of flip cup. Regional corn-hole champ does not a good president make!!

Frankly, this is why America is in the mess it's in. We keep up this bullshit that we want someone just like us. We have this complex when someone is more intelligent. We can't stand it when someone grasps a better command of the English language beyond what Cooter speaks down at the "guh-rage".

So when that family down the street saves their money wisely and buys a larger home or even a new LCD TV, we sign onto a shady loan so that we can have something a little bit bigger:

Joe Six Pack: "What? Frank from down the street just bought a 42" HD LCD??"

Joe Six Pack's Old Lady: "Yeah, they saved them a bunch of money for like a year and bought it with cash money!! They even saved enough to buy one of them there Blue Rays too!"

Joe Six Pack: "Well honey, we need to pull some money out of the house so we can buy a 87" LCD the size of a wall with surrond sound because we "deserve" it. After all, we make a combined $40,000 a year. We deserve nice things."

America has become an entitlement society ... you're entitled just because your American. Not because you sacrificed to go to college; not because you put money away; not because you're brighter or smarter; not because you worked harder than the other guy. Nope; you're entitled because you're American and you work 40 hours a week.

No politician wants to say it ... but you know me. I'm an asshole. I'll say it. Joe Six Pack ... it's all your fault.

I Heard A Rumor .....

2007-06-14T22:49:00.000-05:00

To quote Bananrama, "I heard a rumor ...". Yeah, I heard a rumor that Ohio had a basketball team. I know, you probably heard it too. Yeah, there was a rumor that Ohio actually had a basketball team. But then again, I hear alot of shit.

This post is for Deeesguy. 4 times in 9 years. Dynasty. I know he's not a fan of the Spurs. But he knows that is my team. Sure, they're old. Sure, they're boring to watch if you like fast moving basketball.

Even if Tony Parker is going to wed my new love, I still dig the Spurs. Growing up, we had the Mavericks, the Lakers, the Rockets, and the Spurs (the Nuggets didn't count). The Mavericks flat out sucked and that coupled with my hate of the Dallas Cowboys rendered them useless. The Rockets were just there. And the Lakers, well, I've blogged about my distaste for them.

The Spurs had the Iceman, George Gervin. I loved David Robinson. The Twin Towers. They are very blue collar. They're just quiet and play. They're not flashy. They just win and act like they've been there a million times before so that it's no big deal.

With that, congrats San Antonio. Definitely a dynasty for the ages.

There Is No God

2007-05-14T16:41:00.000-05:00

No loving god would have allowed this to be made.

Even scarier, there are actually people who paid to see this opening weekend instead of waiting 'til it hit dollar theaters like any normal person would.

Freaky!!!

2007-05-06T18:38:00.000-05:00

As a child of the late 80's and 90's ... hell, what am I talking about? I'm still living my childhood well into my decrepit 30's!!

Anyhow, there are those events that define certain periods of our life. I was a young 22 year old in the Army who somehow didn't fit the Army mold. In my off-duty hours, I wore Doc Martens, plaid flat caps, listened to reggae and ska. I was engaged and together we were that young activist couple. We helped out in the Tampa AIDS Network; we were involved in the Anti-Racist Action group; we got out to help push the vote for Clinton.

As it is now, music was a huge part of my life. We'd spend Saturdays at independent used CD stores eschewing the corporate label stores that insisted on selling like 20 artists and then jacking up the prices for any artist on a label that wasn't mainstream. To this day, I feel sorta like one of those old hippies that laments about when music meant something ... but I'm just as full of shit as now as they were then (are you telling me there was some deep philosophical message in "Purple Haze" that was lost somehow when "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was released?)

However, the death of Curt Cobain was one of those moments when you realized that an entire genre of music had just died. A part of your life was gone never to come back except as nostalgia.
Now, his crazy wife is selling off all of his shit in order to cover her drug debts and jeopardizing what's left of Curt on this earth: Frances Bean. Look at this kid!! Who can't see Curt in those eyes. Freaky, right?? It's as if one last little piece of my younger, crazier days is all grown up and staring right back at me.

I'm a Nationally Published Author!!!

2007-05-03T19:52:00.000-05:00

New Arizona State coach Dennis Erickson inherits a talented group of players led by quarterback Rudy Carpenter (12).

Mike Moore/WireImage.com

MAILBAG

Submit a question or an opinion to Stewart.

Well, sorta .... I had my first question answered in a national publication ... well, not really published ... well, published on the web ... well anyways ... here is my first question ever answered on the national stage!! Journalism school here I come!!!

As an Arizona State alum, I was one of those calling for the head of Dirk Koetter. Stewart, you even called him one of the worst coaches in college football. So Arizona State goes out and hires a proven coach in Dennis Erickson. What is it about his hiring that has left Sun Devils fans with a sense of apprehension?
--D. Padilla, Atlanta

I have to admit, I did not realize there was apprehension there. If so, I can only assume it's apprehension over the fact ASU's program is about to be overrun with a band of jucos, and that there's a 50-50 chance the school will wind up on probation. From a football standpoint, however, Sun Devils fans should be thrilled. Erickson may not be big on "character guys," but he's big on winning, and he's going to do a lot of it there in a short amount of time. The cupboard in Tempe is not exactly bare. Any coach would be lucky to walk into a program with a quarterback like Rudy Carpenter (whose confidence should be restored by Erickson), a running back like Ryan Torain, three all-conference offensive linemen and some decent defensive linemen.

While Erickson, like Koetter, is known as an offensive mind, the difference is, he actually knows what he's doing. Koetter had never been a head coach at a BCS-level school and it showed, as he constantly botched key decisions (like last year's Carpenter-Sam Keller debacle) and stubbornly stuck to a WAC-style offense in a league that actually plays some defense. Erickson comes in with far more experience, a proven track record both with Miami and in the Pac-10 with Washington State and Oregon State. He'll have ASU competing at a high level in no time -- and leading the league in personal-foul penalties.

My Newest Addiction

2007-04-29T11:53:00.000-05:00

I found this program while looking around MySpace ...... It's Frazy.com and you can add it to your blog or your MySpace page

I Am The Sausage King

2007-04-26T13:06:00.000-05:00

Today, I had to call an attorney whose last name is Froman. Do you have any idea how hard it was to not ask him if he was better known as the "Sausage King of Chicago"?

If you get this reference, I'll start making wedding arrangements now. Unless of course you're Deeesguy … then I'll just taunt you about your peeps lining up to arrest Richard Gere for stealing a kiss.

How Deseparate ....

2007-04-22T13:18:00.000-05:00

.....are Atlanta Braves fans when they keep harping on the fact that they're a half game out of first in the NL East? I mean, we're only like 16 games into the baseball season which seems to go on and on and on and on. Hell, it might be snowing by the time the Series starts. Look at these Reds fans in the pic ... I swear, it's as if the dead are the only baseball fans.

Football season is an ungodly amount of time away from starting.

Hockey season is winding down. The Lightning are down 3 to 1 in the second period in an elimination game with Martin Brodeur absolutely on fire. SO my emotional investment in the Stanley Cup will soon be reduced to a mere spectator in a few hours.

Before you know it, it'll be the doldrums of summer and I'll be without sports. Oh sure, baseball will be in full effect. But unless I'm at the game, it doesn't count. Baseball is far too slow a game on TV. It doesn't translate well.

As a kid, I used to look forward to summer. It meant no school and playing all day. As an adult, it means getting dressed up for work, sweating like a virgin on prom night, and no sports. Oh me, how things change.

I may actually have to start going out in town to do things

What No One Is Talking About

2007-04-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

First off, all of my thoughts and prayers are with the victims and famlies of the deceased of the Virginia Tech tragedy. No parent should outlive their child; there are few tragedies in this world that are greater than that.

Next, NBC is being condemned for giving that ass nugget exactly what he wanted by airing the tape of his rant. I agree that this fucknut shouldn't have been given any more airtime. The fact that 32 college students died is more than enough publicity. Yes, he was bullied. What this moron failed to realize is that there are more who are bullied than bullies. In the long run, geeks take over the world.

What is not being talked about in all of this Va Tech tragedy is the gun issue. Don't get me wrong: I love guns. I grew up shooting. At age 11, my old man and his friends took all of us kids out to a shooting range to teach us gun safety. I know that more people are killed every year by unloaded weapons that loaded guns. I know that you never put a loaded weapon in a car. I know that you keep the bullets in a separate location from the gun. I was a pretty damn good shot in the Army. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the same lessons.

Anti-Christ party candidate Mike Huckabee made comments that if people had been allowed to carry guns on campus, the tragedy might have been avoided. There was even a campus NRA group claiming the same thing.

What is lost on these braindead Nazis is that blaming gun laws for not stopping the tragedy is like blaming ants in a dirty house with food left out. Let's turn to the ant analogy. If you let people carry fly swatters in a dirty house, they might be able to swat a few ants. Why not just clean the fucking house? In other words, why not just make getting a gun next to impossible and pretty much hang anyone who commits a crime with a gun?? Instead, the GOP logic is to say that if we allowed more people to carry guns, this tragedy would've been averted. Instead of cleaning the house to stop ants from coming into the house in the first place, we'll just give more people fly swatters to kill ants.

And of course, there is always the 2nd Amendment. Yeah, I know it's a Constitutional right. But under the Anti-Christ's regime, the Constitution is just a "God-damned piece of paper." If you can limit Free Speech through Copyright and sedition laws (trust me, the White House is still trying to get these passed), then you can certainly limit the right to bear arms. Of course, politicians will cry and pass some more laws that provide no additional money to local law enforcement to enforce the new law and the old laws.

Mark my words, what we'll see once the furor of this tragedy dies down are more news reports about little old ladies or convenience store clerks who fought off a would be robber with a gun. Of course, no one will ask where the robber got the gun in the first place ........

You Brits Have It Too Good

2007-04-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

Do know how I know you're gay? You actually like the Grammys.

If I ever hear anyone from the UK bitching about how lame the music scene is will get a swift kick to the plums by yours truly. See, I am watching a bit of the Brit Awards. The opening number by the Scissor Sisters alone has blown away any piece of shit performance that any American music show puts on. Sure, I guess we can see Beyonce for the 20th fucking time that week. Or maybe they'll drag out Paul McCartney so he can plug some piece of shit album we'll all hear on the easy-listening station. But THIS PERFORMANCE ALONE shits on any American award show we have.

The host comes out and he's roasting all the celebs. He's made fun of Robbie Williams' drug and alcohol addiction. He's made fun of Oasis. This host would never get on an American show. Eminem would threaten to kick his ass but only when he's escorted by like huge ass black dudes. This host surely make fun of J-Lo's huge ass only for the camera to zoom in and see the look of complete cunt-dom on her face.

Do you know how this show has credibility? Best Brit Live Act winner is Muse. Not Justin "Bitchboy" Timberlake. Not The Backside Boys or whatever boy band takes it up the ass. Not the Rolling Stones with the crypt keeper on guitar.

For fucks sake ... Amy Winehouse is performing!!!! Not this years American Karaoke "winner" who will have one big selling album before he or she is reduced to giving blow jobs to have some well known producer come up with a hit song.

You Brits have it too good. You should be stuck with the Wal-Mart-ization of American music and be forced to listen to the inane dribbling of cock-sucking Clear Channel radio stations that have like 8 songs they play ad nauseam. Fuck .... American popular music is really beginning to suck ass more and more every day.

Recent Observations in the ATL

2007-04-14T16:48:00.000-05:00

Riding on MARTA (the local transit system) is NOT sexy.

There is no good reason that a grown man should be wearing a sports jersey at 10 in the morning on a Tuesday. Don't you have a job or someplace responsible you need to be?

Why, oh dear God why? This doesn't tell me you have money. This tells me that at one time you had enough money to get this done to your hooptie. Plus, you're not even getting a royalty off of this shit!!! These things are popping up all over Atlanta.

Thongs are not for everyone.

Neither is being out in public with no shirt. (and no, that isn't me at the beach!!)

In the South, they put pork in EVERYTHING!!!

Top 5 Tuesday

2007-04-10T20:37:00.000-05:00

Sure, it's been a while since I've posted. But don't hold that against me. I recently got a lateral promotion at work: more exciting work but a higher workload.

So here is my weekly Top 5!!

Top 5 Women Who Need the Devil

5. Penelope Cruz: Sure, she's an all-time fave, but that doesn't mean her taste in men has gotten any better. How do you go from crazy (Tom Cruise) to smelly (Matthew McConaughey) to greasy (Josh Hartnett)? She needs a steady dull guy like yours truly!!!

4. Liz Phair: She is the hottest MILF in the universe. She's close to my age and is single. Plus, how many women her age look this good or like this? Besides, if she can write songs like "Fuck and Run" or "HWC (Hot White Cum)", she is going to be Mrs. Devil.

3. Erika Christensen: Hot and curvy in all the right places. She needs a career boost. What better than for her to be seen with me on the beach. Can't you just see the Star headlines? "Hottie and Fattie on the beach" or "Beauty and the Beached ...as in Whale".

2. Winona Ryder: Cute and a huge rack to boot? I can die now ... but not 'til I pry her from the greasy fingers of every rock star she's dated. Much as I liked Soul Asylum, but Dave Pirner? He's like a Joe Dirt movie come to life!!! She was with Johnny Depp when he thought he was a rock star!! She digs the music boys.

1. Scarlett Johansson: Lately, she's been linked to Justin Timberlake. Some might think he brought sexy back, but let's face it. He's the next falsetto Corey Feldman wannabe. Need proof? Look at this picture of the ass-clown: notice the hat. Now look at this pic of a bloated, drug addicted child star. Do I need to say more? Plus they both are self-confessed Michael Jackson fans (shudder).

Another Sign I'm Completely Unhip

2007-03-23T13:10:00.000-05:00

I'm flipping through internet radio stations the other day looking for new tunes to download because I've got to somehow keep up with Deeesguy. If you ever want to know what is coming out that is going to be absolutely awesome, check in with him. He is the man with his finger on the pulse of new music.

Anyways, I come across a tune by Mickey Avalon called "Jane Fonda". The chorus is essentially "do the Jane Fonda". Being a product of the 80's, I'm thinking this is a reference to the aerobics workout tapes. Apparently not. A quick check of Urban Dictionary reveals it is a reference to threesomes. The sad thing is I had no fucking idea!!!

I think I was ready to weep like a child when Old Yeller died. I just saw my last semblance of hipness die right in front of my eyes ... or in my earbuds, I should say! I'm ready for the suburbs I guess. I'll start shopping at Kohls for Dockers, I'll buy Nickelback and Black Eyed Peas CDs so I can act like I'm hip still, and I'll spend Saturdays at Home Depot buying lawn furniture.

Plus, I will win Lindsay's heart by wearing those sexy black socks with sandals.

Even Whores Falsely Advertise

2007-03-22T16:56:00.000-05:00

In another sign of the impending apocalypse, the rich, spoiled cunt channel .... err, I mean MTV, has announced that it will now tape Total Request Live. To top things off, MTV has decided that they will keep the show called Total Request Live. The best thing about this is that it has become painfully obvious that MTV is losing its influence on the music industry for one painfully obvious reason: they don't play any fucking music!!!

If all you ever show are staged "reality" shows about rich fucks in California or a program with liquored up good looking, shallow early 2o-somethings that get drunk, cry, fight, and fuck ...... you're not going to have time to show music.

And guess what? The numbers show it. Don't believe me, read this from an article written on the AP .... "at its peak in 1999, "TRL" had 757,000 viewers a day, with 346,000 of them aged 12 to 17, according to Nielsen Media Research. So far this year, the show — now seen at 3:30 p.m. ET — averages 351,000 viewers a day, Nielsen said. The 12-to-17-year-old audience is only 113,000, half what it was only two years ago."

So here's what I say to this ...... FUCK YOU MTV. You've made an entire generation of young people today feel too fat, too poor, too inadequate. You've created this illusion that all young people want to do is get drunk, fuck, fight, and act as shallow as Paris Hilton or her ilk. You are finally reaping what you sow!! This is so sweet and savory!!

By the way ... this is what MTV should be showing (those ungrateful bastards!!!) ....

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Top 5 Tuesday

2007-03-20T11:14:00.000-05:00

Muchos apologies for my lack of posting last week. But I'm back on schedule right now, so let's get to it.

I am guilty of bad taste. Yeah, I know. Who would've thought that the guy who loves Jackass and Blink 182 might have some inkling of bad taste? But my friends, it's true. Currently, I have some guilty pleasures like those I rail against. I have some things I like that I know are killing brain cells, but damnit, I like them nonetheless.

So here we go ...

Top 5 Current Guilty Pleasures

5. "Girlfriend" - Avril Lavigne : I am so ashamed about this one. I take a shower after I listen to this song, but they can't get water hot enough to wash away the shame that I feel after hearing it. It's so damn catchy and the driving rhythm are infectious!! They should make shots for this. Who woulda thunk Avril could make such a song!!

4. "Flathead" - the Fratellis : Another piece of music that is so damn infectious. The reason I am ashamed of this is because it's used for iPod commercials to further their monopoly. But damn, it is a good song.

3. Coke Zero : Remember the Star Trek movie where Kirk expresses his outrage with a prosthetic chestpiece wearing Ricardo Montalban with his immortal scream "KAHN"? That's sorta how I feel about Coke Zero. It has me completely hooked. Ask Deeesguy; he will tell you that I scoffed at those who would have a Diet Coke instead of the real thing. Now Coke Zero has me hooked .... bastards!!!

2. Trashy Talk Shows : Oh Maury .... How I love thee for your "Who da' baby' daddy?" episodes as well as having that huge guy D West come out and yell at trashy people. Have you seen him; this guy is fucking huge!! There are only two things you can say to this guy: "yes" and "sir". Plus, how do you not still love Cheaters? Nothing is funnier than watching trashy people get caught in the act with other people.

1. Craigslist personals : Have you read these? It's as if every one of Springer's guests have decided to further proliferate the world with their ilk by posting on this list. I can understand the spirit of Craigslist and I love the site for some things. Need a roommate? Craigslist. Need someone to adopt your dog because you're moving? Craigslist. Need to find a ghetto ass hoodrat who makes Lil' Kim look downright classy? Craigslist. Need to find a deep and meaningful relationship .... stay the hell away from this site. Just how class is it when tons of chicas post personals and have to clarify "No pics of your dick". See, you feel dirty just reading that.

So now that I have revealed my deepest embarrassments here, let me hear some of your current guilty pleasures!!

Lazy Devil

2007-03-17T19:12:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the lack of posts .... I've been a lazy sack of shit this week.

That ... and oh yeah, I was almost carjacked Thursday night. Long story for another day but I'm fine and my hooptie is still parked out front of my apartment.

So I will be better. I promise!!

Now, I'm off to a friends place for some corned beef and cabbage and lots of beer!!

Chelle Gave Me This One ......

2007-03-16T19:11:00.000-05:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Rick Says: "This Is Sparta, Bitches."

2007-03-10T14:52:00.000-05:00

As promised, I told you that I'd give my opinion of the movie 300. I'll quote the late, great Rick James: "This is Sparta, bitches". In other words, the movie was fucking great!!

I don't know if it was because I was way too excited in the first place or if it went beyond my expectations, 300 did not disappoint. I saw this on an IMAX screen and my only complaint was that there was so much going on that I was having to look every which way in order to catch every rich detail.

But Lena Headey lives up to what a queen should be. She kicks ass and is sexy as all hell. The battle scenes rock. I swear, I came out of there ready to get into a fight. This is a beautiful film, I mean literally. The color saturation, the scenery, the ambiance ... it is beautiful.

I was on the official site and watched the video journal on the workouts the actors did. Fuck me ... I was exhausted just watching. Also, I was inspired to push myself a bit harder.

All I can say is go see this movie... NOW!!!

How Geeky Am I????

2007-03-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

Damn, sometimes my nerdiness is painful. Tomorrow is a prime example. I am going to see "300" on the opening day. While that may be nerdy in of itself, it gets worse. See, I'm taking a 1/2 day off of work to do it. Pretty damn nerdy, right? Get's worse. I bought advance tickets on Wednesday. Even worse, right? It's gets even more horrible. I am going to see it on an IMAX screen that is 25 miles away.

Hi, my name is Cincy and I'm a geek.

But, I will let you know how the movie is.

P.S. Do you think the ladies might love me when I get my washboard ab like this?

A Book Meme

2007-03-07T14:06:00.000-05:00

This is stolen from the lovely and talented Chelle. Oh yeah ... why is it called a "meme"?

Look at the list of books below.* Type "READ" beside the ones you've read.* Type "WANT TO" beside the ones you'd like to read.* Leave blank the ones that you aren't interested in.* Type "AGAIN AND AGAIN" beside the ones you could read again and again.* "Tried" for those books that you've tried to read...again and again. (This oneRob put in!)* "??" For those books you haven't heard of (I'll bold the ones I've read so it's easier for you to gauge my lack of education)

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) Read
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) Again and Again
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien) Read
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien) Read
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien) Read
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery) Tried
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon) ??
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry) ??
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) ??
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) Tried
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald) ??
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte) Read
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien) Read
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger) Again and Again
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott) Tried
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold) Read
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel) Again and Again
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) Want to
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) Tried
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck) Want To
30. Tuesdays with Morrie(Mitch Albom) Read
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) Tried
34. 1984 (Orwell) Read
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley) Want to
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett) ??
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay) Want To
38. I Know This Much is True(Wally Lamb) ??
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant) ??
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) Want to
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini) Want To
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom) Want To
45. Bible - Tried
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy) Tried
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas) Tried
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt) Want To
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck) Again and Again
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb) ??
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) Read
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card) ??
54. Great Expectations (Dickens) Read
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald) Again and Again
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence) ??
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky) Tried
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand) Tried
63. War and Peace (Tolsoy) Tried
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis) ??
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) Again and Again
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller) Want to
69. Les Miserables (Hugo) Tried
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez) Again and Again
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje) Tried
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay) ??
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith) Want To
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence) ??
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White) Read
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley) ??
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck) Read
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen) Tried
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams) Want To
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) Want To
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields) ??
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago) Want To
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer) ??
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)??
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding) Read
93. The Good Earth(Pearl S. Buck) Want To
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd) Want to
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum) Want To
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton) Read
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce) Tried

**Obviously, I'm not a Harry Potter fan. I know most of you will hate me for that.

Top 5 Tuesday

2007-03-06T07:12:00.000-05:00

It hits all of us. You've got your MP3 player going or you're driving with the music loud. Something in the bass or the vocals or the mood hits you just right. You get goosebumps. The hair on the back of your neck stands up. Your throat tightens up a bit. You feels your eyes getting damp. Music is one of the those things that makes my life worth living. So this is what I wanted to give ya' this week ...

Top 5 Songs That Hit Me

5. "Taps" : I always have a soft spot for a few things: animals, kids, and old veterans. Taps reminds me of Ft. Huachuca, Arizona and one of those perfect moments. The sun is setting and we're on the old post part (the part that was built during the days of the Buffalo soldiers and now used by officers; beautiful part of post). The Sierra Vista mountain range is blood red and our drill sergeants are explaining what Taps is all about. I remember watching a couple of G.I.'s pulling down the flag and folding it. Just one of those moments that words can't even begin to describe those feelings.

4. "The Star Spangled Banner" : Another one of those songs that takes me back to my military days. Osan Air Base, South Korea (check out this link, it's great .... even has a bar review and explains the "juicy girl" phenomenon in Korean bars). Fourth of July. Drunk on the lawn in front of the barracks and a seriously kick-ass fireworks show set to this song. Young, dumb, and full of cum .... we're hooting and hollerin', singing the lyrics at the top of our lungs. It's those moments when I felt so proud to serve my country. And no, it wasn't the Coronas talking but they certainly helped.

3. "No Woman, No Cry" - Bob Marley : Another Korea story that I've told before. When things have gotten absolutely shitty: I have just gotten dumped by my fiance; I'm being worked to death with little recognition; and I hate Korea. This song lifted me to that higher place and made me truly realize that "everything gonna be alright".

2. "Saint Behind The Glass" - Los Lobos : Of all the crazy associations I've ever made in my life, this has to be one of the strangest ones. One day I was sick home from work in Dayton. Not having cable, missing my family, and having the flu, I was utterly miserable. I flipped passed PBS and caught "Reading Rainbow" with LeVar Burton. He had an episode about Mexican-American culture. Los Lobos closed the episode but first he interviewed them asking what song they'd play. They played this song and described as a song that embodied not only the Mexican-American experience, but the American experience . For some strange reason, I couldn't agree more and I've got goosebumps even now as I listen.

1. "With Or Without You" - U2 : This is the never-fail, give me goosebumps song. What is it about this song? The methodic bassline? The longing tone of the song? Is it the haunting effect of the drums and vocals? The jangly guitar work of the Edge? It's not so much a love song as a cry of desperation. But damnit if this one doesn't always gives me goosebumps. The best version of this song is in the movie "Rattle and Hum" when u2 plays a concert in God's stadium (for you non-believers, that would be Sun Devil Stadium on the campus of Arizona State University).

Now it's your turn. Tell me what songs always get to you or post it on your blog. You know I love music and you can be assured that when you give me some songs, I will go listen to them.

Why The Spartan Life Won't Work Here

2007-03-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

Frank Miller has got me hooked and I know it. I won't often admit that I'm completely drawn in and fascinated with something so over the top and commercial. Yet the more I read about Thermopylae and the Spartans, there more my fascination grows.

The more I've read about Sparta, the more I think those guys were on to something. According to the legends, early on they had problems just like any other society. Greed, corruption, selfishness. The solution was definitely novel but would never work in America though.

Their solution was to rid society of wealth and personal belongings. Everything was pretty much dedicated to the preservation and well being of the state. Sure, this sounds alot like communism but of course, it was with a twist. It was much more of a warrior state.

I've always said that I could never run for office because I would endorse mandatory federal service for every citizen regardless of their position in life. Gone would be rich kids buying their way out of military service (sound familiar, Anti-Christ a.k.a. W). Now, not everyone would be able to serve in the armed forces; but everyone could serve their nation in some way. There are a million other ways for those not physically able to serve: Americorps is one example.

For politicians who were physically able but didn't serve in the military, public shaming would also be compulsory. No more rich cowards sending off the poor and undereducated to fight wars that serve only the interests of the rich. If you want a war, you will lead the way. I'm sick of cowards running this country.

Personal wealth? Gone. If no one owns wealth, no one will truly covet what others have. Everyone would chip in to help the betterment of society or face the ostracism of all. Crime would be punished severely and swiftly.

Yeah, like I said, it would never work here. Again, I can never run for office.

How Long Would You Wait?

2007-02-28T22:59:00.000-05:00

It's almost here ...

or at least they're making one of the greatest novels ever written into a movie.

God, please let them do this right.

If they keep the movie half as good as the novel, this will be one of the best movies of the past 10 years.

Top 5 Tuesday

2007-02-27T21:46:00.000-05:00

Sure, we all get a little lazy from time to time. Some of us will go a couple of days without doing the dishes; some of us will lounge on the couch all weekend; some will even go a couple of days without showering. All in all, we can all be lazy sots and I was this whole week. But I look forward to my Tuesday posts and thought this would be a great topic.

Again, work inspired this post. It started off with a couple of us going over the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" with the whole "You know how I know you're gay?" shtick. Then it progressed into snaps. For those of you not familiar with snaps or the dozens, basically it's "yo mama'" jokes that are hurled at one another 'til one is burnt to a crisp.

So, without further adieu, I give you ...

Top 5 Yo Mama Jokes Told This Morning At Work

5. "Yo mama's so bald that you can see what's on her mind."

4. "Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shootout."

3. "Just because yo sister sucks dick in a phone booth does not mean she's a call girl."

2. "Yo mama wears a wig with a chinstrap".

1. "Yo mama is so black, when she gets out of her car the oil light goes off."

Naturally, there are a few that didn't make the Top 5 such as "Yo mama's glasses are so thick that she can see into the future"; "Yo mama's hair is so short that you can see whats on her mind"; "Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles traffic slows down".

Got any "Yo mama" jokes .......

Top 5 Tuesday

2007-02-20T12:13:00.000-05:00

I have always been a fan of really bad humor, be it Jackass or yo mama jokes. Yes, these will certainly be future Top 5 topics.

But seeing as I have to get my ass back into the dating world sooner or later, I am definitely in need of learning some new pickup techniques. Not all of us can be some tall, dark, and handsome ladykiller like my mine here. Some of us need a little equalizer to help us get with the ladies. And what gets the ladies better than a cheesy pickup line? Not much I tell you. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ..........

Top 5 Pickup Lines

5. "How you doing?" : Yeah, this was from Friends. I know I should never quote from a show that purported to be in NYC but never had a black or Puerto Rican character until like season 20. But let's face it; Joey was a man-gina. A he-ho. This line worked then and it may still work now.

4. "Do you have any Mexican in you? No ... would you like some?" : Sure, it's tacky. Sure, it's absolutely sleazy. But any woman that would respond positively to this is special. No, not the riding the small bus to school special.

3. "Why don't the two of us make like a tree and get out here." : I don't get this one either. But it sounds good if you're drunk.

2. "Whenever you're ready to leave, I'll be over there." : This may be one of the greatest pickup lines ever. I have seen it work though. A friend walked over to some very cute girl and gave her this line. He knew nothing about her, hadn't talked to her all night. Gave her this line, she laughed, and started talking.

1. "So how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?" : Just terrible; terrible. But I laughed my ass when I first heard it. Someday Mrs. Cincysundevil will laugh just as hard at how ridiculous this line is.

So what are your fave pickup lines?

Confirmation Is A Bitch

2007-02-19T21:36:00.000-05:00

If you've read my ramblings lately, you'll know that I was moaning about the diet that my trainer has put me on. I was also getting the sneaking suspicion that he might have quit or have moved on since he hadn't been heard from in a few days.

Well, as of tonight, no one has heard from him. So here I am, my insides turning to liquid with the amount of fruit and yogurt in my gullet and he's not around. I am getting frustrated with the lack of consistency at my gym. This will be the 4th change of trainers I've undergone since starting back in October. The work outs are pretty standard, but they've each got their own philosophy about working out and diet and how to get the most out of me.

Tonight's workout was pretty tough. I did my own workout and did a shitload of ab work. Guys will relate to this .. if you've ever been kicked in the sack HARD, you feel it all the way up into your gut. That's what tonight's ab workout was like. Hopefully it'll pay off. If I ever get the washboard abs, I'll post a pic for the ladies ... even though they'll just have that post sent to their spam folder.

Damn You Frank Miller ... And Thank You

2007-02-18T13:52:00.000-05:00

I could never try any hard drug. Seriously, I'm terrified of becoming addicted. That's because I have this addictive or compulsive nature. Once I become interested in something, I become completely consumed by it.

Example: the whole Jackass thing. I still love this show. Once I started watching the show, that was it. My friend P and I in law school were there on opening night laughing so hard, we had headaches afterwards. I tried to get everyone interested in my obsession. To this day, when I have to create sample forms or templates, I always use Johnny Knoxville or Steve O as the examples and Chris Pontius or Ryan Dunn as extras.

Right now, I'm completely obsessed with the Battle of Thermopylae. You see, about 3 months ago, I went to see Saw 3 (It's was a friend's choice, not mine) and one of the previews was for the new movie 300. That's all it took. That night, I went home and immediately started to look up information on the film.

It's an adaptation of an older Frank Miller graphic novel "300", which is loosely based on the Battle of Thermopylae. I remembered the name because in leadership school in the Army, we learned about using terrain and other naturally occurring factors to overcome superior numbers and arms. The movie trailer just brought it all home for me. So thanks to Frank Miller who has made me an even bigger history addict than I already am!!! He gave us Sin City and now he's giving us 300. It's like he's some sort of pusher.

But as for the battle, imagine setting out from home with about 300 soldiers knowing that you will never return. You are heading to your death, there is no ifs, ands or buts about it. It's a certainty. And yet, you go. I can't even fathom the Spartans thoughts as their home left their sight knowing it was the last time they would see it. The moment that they had trained for their entire life was to die on a battlefield far from home. Did they secretly weep? I know historical accounts paint the Spartans almost as emotionless robots, but they were human after all.

So Sparta and the Battle of Thermopylae are my newest obsession. I just ordered a book from Amazon on the topic and I'm excited to tear into it. Before long, I'll give you a bit about why Sparta had the right idea and why it would never work today.

I'm So Weak

2007-02-17T23:28:00.000-05:00

I broke down tonight and had a slice of pizza and a Coke Zero. I know, I'm a weak bastard .... forgive me Father.

I called over to the gym on Friday to speak with my trainer who wasn't available, which was strange. He's always there ... I mean, he's got clients every day. So I'm beginning to wonder if he is no longer with the gym. That appears to be a huge problem in Atlanta with trainers; they're sorta fluid. One will be there about 3 or 4 months, then move on.

Anyways, I was told my trainer hadn't been there since Monday. So I called on Friday and spoke to one of the certified nutritionists. I explained my diet and that I was so fucking hungry despite having eaten like 6 Fuji apples, 4 containers of yogurt, 2 whey protein drinks, 2 quarts of water with lemon, and a small container of blueberries all by 2 in the afternoon. I explained how normally, 40 minutes on an elliptical trainer is a good workout but on Thursday, I was struggling after 15 minutes. I had no energy. SO the nutritionist said to start adding in salad and green leafy veggies into my diet.

Tonight was the breaking point. I had a slice of pizza and a Coke Zero. It was sooooo fucking good. I don't want to eat anything sweet for a little while; at least, not for tonight. I know I'm weak, but I'll get back to the diet here shortly.

Now I'm off to eat a salad with a ton of veggies in it and some Caesar vinagrette (my fave dressing and very low cal). God, I sound like a teenage girl worrying about her weight ..........................

I Feel Like The Clown In The Pic

2007-02-15T17:43:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. You see, in my fruitless efforts to get rid of my buddha, my trainer has put me on a diet. And not just any diet ... nope, this is one of those colon-cleansing diets.

I don't think he really knows what's he doing to be honest. I mean, sure he's cut as hard as a diamond. Yeah, he totally motivates me during workouts. He can squeeze that extra rep or two out of me when I might normally admit muscle failure and walk away to the next exercise.

But this diet is a bit ridiculous. He's got me eating only certain things for one week and it's killing me. All I can eat is yogurt (fruit flavors only with those active cultures); apples; papaya; blueberries; grapefruit; whey protein; and tons of water. All of this is supposedly designed to make me shit like I've got two assholes.

There is no grilled chicken with no skin. No lettuce. No broccoli. In other words, I'm limited to these few foods and you know what? He's ruining foods that I love. I love yogurt. I love Fuji apples (I can tear through a bag in a weekend). But right now, I don't want to eat anything sweet at all. I'd love to eat something hot. I'd love some meat.

We'll see how long I can take it before I break down.

Top 5 Tuesday

2007-02-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I, as usual, will be single. I'll get no Valentines (except from my mom and my sisters); I won't be going to dinner with someone special; there will be no candlelight dinner when I arrive home. Instead, my tubby ass will be on an eliptical trainer sweating out years of gravy and ribs.

In honor of such a romantic occasion, today's Top 5 will focus on most likely what I and the rest of the bitter singles in this world will be doing: masturbating. So here we go ......

Top 5 Euphemisms For Masturbation

5. Spankin' the Monkey : I've never understood this one. I mean, I can understand calling your guy a monkey ... monkey are hairy ... monkeys are mischievous. But spanking it? I guess you're spanking that mischievous hairy guy? I think I'm thinking too much about this one.

4. Holding Your Sausage Hostage : Imagine the scene as the negotiator is on a bullhorn trying to "talk you down". I love this one; it's a classic and the imagery is too great.

3. A Little Me Time : Sounds innocuous, doesn't it? Why we all need time to get know ourselves. I've said it before, I'm my own best friend. And don't worry; I don't just use myself. I light some candles, treat myself to dinner. It's all romantic and shit.

2. Rub One Out : One? Hell, I need to rub out like 3 or 4 at a time!!

1. Five Knuckle Shuffle : This sounds like some old 30's vaudeville card trick. Oh, it's a trick all right. Only I win every hand ... and I mean every hand.

And to top it off, I'll even give you some advice from my good friend Dave Attell on what to do if you get caught: 1) Act surprised ... and don't worry, you will be surprised since your fantasy world has just collapsed; 2) Yell "Get some help! My hand and my peni are having a fight"; 3) Next explain "Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito; we got ourselves a battle royale." Enjoy the day .... and ladies, think about me during your "special" time.

Why I Don't Watch The Grammys

2007-02-12T21:30:00.001-05:00

I so don't watch the Grammys. Tonight just served to remind me of that. You see, it was supposed to be this huge musical event .... instead it turned into an evening so dull, I went back and forth between Jackass 2 on DVD and the Grammys.

First of all, let me say that the Dixie Chicks fucking rock. I know, that is as contradictory a statement as you'll ever hear from me. But let's face it: these chicas made a statement and stood by it through thick and thin. Despite the monosyllabic Toby Keith crowd who burned their CDs and bitched about the Chicks not being brainwashed into believing what the Anti-Christ said. Country radio, ever the bastion of intelligent thought, pretty much banned their music. Through it all, they still put out great music and didn't apologize for shit. Aside from being cute, they are actually empowered chicas and definitely more of a role model than say .... Britney Spears.

Next, the Police are just too damn old. First up on the 3 hour dull fest, the show opened with them. Here I am ... stoked as hell to see one of the greatest bands of all time reuniting. So, the show starts off with a timeless classic, "Roxanne". Except this is the new Police ... or should I say, the Retired Police. Sting couldn't hit those high notes and the rhythm of the whole song was off kilter. Plus, in the crowd only like 1 or 2 people were even moving to the music. They were too busy waiting for some cheesy ass Justin Timberlake or P-Diddy or some other talentless fuck who has the backing of Clear Channel. I only hope Sting can quit worrying about making albums with some 3rd world hacks so he can concentrate on this reunion.

Essentially, the Grammys turns into some awards being handed out to some undeserving fucks. Let's say "Best Rock Album", the nominees are like one band with some actual cred, a couple of Clear Channel staples, and someone who is way past their prime ... say Bonnie Raitt. Every fucking year, Bonnie Raitt gets nominated for something. How in the fuck does she get award nominations every freaking year? The woman releases an album like every 5 years but she is up for a Grammy every year. It's beyond me.

The Grammys should really just be renamed the Clear Channel awards and be done with it.

Being Sick Is For Losers

2007-02-08T21:12:00.000-05:00

I feel like shit. I hate being sick; not just because of the sickness itself. The biggest reason is that when you're single and sick, it reminds you of just how alone you really are. Sure, you've got friends and family that might come by to check in on you, but it's not the same and you know it. There's nothing like having someone baby you; pull the blanket up over your shoulder as you fall asleep on the couch watching episodes of Maury "Who Da' Baby Daddy?" (Not that I would indulge in such drivel since it's on 3 times a day on Channel 13); make sure you eat something; gets mad at you if you get up or do anything other than rest.

It's at these times that we feel completely isolated. When you've been isolated for so long, you almost become numb to those emotions that subsume so many in relationships. Don't get me wrong; it's not like I don't enjoy time to myself. Hell, I'm my own best friend. It's just that there are certain highs and lows that you experience only in relationships. You just sort of shut down your certain parts of yourself when you're alone for too long.

And then to top off this feeling, after a doctor's visit yesterday morning, it turns out that I am developing allergies. For 36 years, I have not developed them. I move to Atlanta and within 14 months, I'm snotty and miserable. My doctor was pretty cool though; she gave me enough samples for like 2 weeks and prescriptions and even another prescription in case this episode turns into a full blown sinus infection. So being sick when you're single truly sucks .... but at least I've got drugs.

(Sorry to be such a downer; no doubt it's the effect of too many drugs at once. I have enough drugs in me right now to put a horse down)

Top 5 Tuesday

2007-02-06T14:26:00.001-05:00

Just listening to my MP3 player, I have found endless hours of inspiration. From my pathetic daydreams of rocking that Gibson Les Paul or playing a screamin' solo on a Fender Strat, music is something I must have around me constantly.

On my way home last night, one station that bills itself as "alternative" was having listeners call in with their favorite remakes. The caller I heard pulled out a great song and hence, the inspiration for this post.

Top 5 Remakes Of Great Songs

5. "Just Like Heaven" - Goldfinger : Powerful little punk remake of one of my all-time favorite songs. Short, fast, loud with a great, crunchy guitar solo. Definitely one that I play air guitar with.

4. "Sexual Healing" - Ben Harper and the Innocents : Soulful acoustic remake that is as smooth as Tupelo honey (If you know that reference, you absolutely rock in my book; if you're female, fly to Atlanta and I'll get the marriage license ready!!). Check this version out though; you and your significant other will thank me as the music has you two slithering all over one another like cheap suits.

3. "Bizarre Love Triangle" - Frente! : Who in the world would've thought that a remake of another of my all-time faves could be slowed down and sound so sweet? Angie Hart's vocals will melt you and leave me feeling sentimental for things I don't even know about. Such a sweet, sweet song.

2. "Long Black Veil" - Dave Matthews Band : There are a few songs that give me goose bumps ever single time I hear them. This is one of them. Johnny Cash was definitely an American poet. This song is so damn tragic, it breaks your heart. Rat on the wife of your best friend in order to save your neck or die leaving her relationship in tact. How very Sydney Carton of the song's main protagonist.

1. "Cum On Feel The Noize" - Quiet Riot : This will probably be the only time in history that I can foresee Quiet Riot grabbing the number 1 spot in a Top 5 list of any sort. Wait, I guess if there is a Top 5 bands touring county fairs, they might make it. But hell, I'll let them bask in the light of my Top 5 Tuesday. But admit it ... you love this song. Especially in the CareerBuilder.com commercials with the monkeys in the boardroom jamming to this, you love it even more!!

Per my usual post, there are those songs that didn't quite make it but came so close, they're honorable mentions: "Hurt" - Johnny Cash; "All Along The Watchtower" - DMB; "Oh Pretty Woman" - Van Halen; "Gates of Steel" - Skankin' Pickle; "Simmer Down" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones; "Volver, Volver" - Los Lobos; "Sexual Healing" - Soul Asylum. As usual, please post your own .....

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

2007-02-04T21:26:00.000-05:00

OMG ... who in the fuck thought that having that gay ass Cirque du Soleil on right before the game was a great idea. This is like having halftime show sponsored by Queer Eye and Lifetime!!!! Who in the fuck thought this was a good idea?? I'm sure millions of football fans like myself were watching this saying "Oh my God, this is lamest thing I have ever seen." Trust me, this ranks on par with the Paul McCartney-FOX News sponsored halftime show a few years ago.

Also let me say this, Rex Grossman is complete and utter garbage on a football field. It's one thing if you suck and you acknowledge it. It's called humility and honesty. But this walking abortion thinks he is actually something great. I have never seen someone who plays like absolute garbage be so damn cocky.

Personally, I think Chicago's favorite son in the pic here would make a better starting QB than Grossman.

It's now the 4th quarter and Grossman has just thrown a pic that Indy has taken back for a TD. I can't say it enough, Rex Grossman SUCKS; HE'S A WASTE OF A FOOTBALL UNIFORM; YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK!!!!

The only reason I'm really pissed about this is for my boy, Brian Urlacher. A New Mexico Lobo, he's from a little town near where I grew up. He's a New Mexican, so I have to pull for him.

But Rex Grossman will cost the Bears the Super Bowl. Despite keeping it close, all it takes is one Grossman pass to fuck it up ..... and trust me, he did do just that.

Immigrants Who Will Speak Like Bill and Ted

2007-02-02T09:41:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday, I had my first volunteer class session. You see, despite my evil exterior, I am a huge softie at heart despite all of my bitching about bad drivers, hayseeds, jackoff Conservatives, and soccer moms.

What I've decided to do is to teach Introductory English to immigrants. This is a completely volunteer operation in that the students come because they want to. We don't force them to come. It's not some court ordered English classes. It's not a requirement for a job.

These guys come because they want to learn English.
We don't charge them any money. Their only expense is the price of books, which is reasonable at something like $20. If you want to see the American Dream at work, I urge you to start volunteering at some class like this.

But the scary thing is that groups of non-English speaking adults are relying on ME to teach them English. How fucking crazy is that? I'm possibly responsible for someone's job and life prospects. Talk about pressure!!

Hopefully they learn some great slang from me though! Thanks to a suggestion from Chelle, I'll teach them the variations of the word "sweet" from Clueless! to Dude, Where's My Car?.

Update: The Storm That Never Came

2007-02-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

I went to bed last night fully expecting to wake up to the sound of rain. And I did just that ... I woke up to the sound of rain. No ice, no snow. Rain.

I knew things were fine when my neighbor was able to get out of her driveway. She drives a Minicooper. As she pulls out at 5 in the morning, the Cooper's headlights usually shoot right through my blinds. The usual routine this morning too ... so I knew I was coming in to work after that. All I could do was turn my head from the window, pull the blankets up a bit more, and sleep for another hour and a half.

Obviously, the rest of Atlanta didn't get that message. Tons of people stayed away from downtown, fearing the ice that didn't come.

That's fine with me. My commute was easy today. No bumpkins from outlying communities taking their broods into town to gawk at "them thar' tall bildins". No mini-van driving soccer moms headed near downtown for a "taste of the city". It was so great that we definitely could use a few more "big" storms to hit us.

Southerners Are Funny

2007-01-31T21:55:00.000-05:00

I don't fancy myself one of those hardy Midwesterners. I lived in Ohio for 5 years and that was enough for me. I don't play euchre on weekends; I'm not completely enthralled with the Ohio State-Michigan rivalry; I don't like NASCAR; I don't think Kid Rock is an actual artist; and I loathe Toby Keith.

But living in the South has taught me one thing: Midwesterners are a hardy bunch.

Example: this "storm" we're supposed to get tonight. People all over Atlanta are in a panic. We "might" have some rain which "might" turn into sleet or an ice storm. I say might because we would be on the very southern, southern, southernmost tip of this front.

But don't tell people in Atlanta that. They're in full panic mode. People are hitting Kroger and Wal-Mart to stock up on batteries, bread, milk, and so on. People were taking work home in case we can't get in to work in the morning.

Me? I don't think we'll get anything at all. The last 3 times we were supposed to get hit we got a great big goose egg. We "might" get rain ... but it'll be fine.

The funny part? Anyone who has lived in the Midwest or in the Northeast is treating this like any other day. Those folks were talking about what they were going to bring in for lunch tomorrow while true Southerners were lacing up winter boots, mittens, scarves, and parkas.

Aaaahh, these Southerners make me feel like a hardy Midwesterner.

Top 5 Tuesday

2007-01-30T07:44:00.001-05:00

I'm sure most of you out there have those "dry periods". You know, where you haven't had sex for a bit. Of course, my dry periods are more like epics on scale with The Odyssey. I think I chronicled in my New Year's Resolutions that it's been since July since I have seen a breast (other than Skinemax on cable or when I "accidentally" find porn online). I say that my dry periods are on par with a Greek tragedy are that in order to get laid, I would have to go through like 6 feats of strength and cunning combined with the proper sacrifice to the Gods of Debauchery. Or ... I could be just like my man in this pic and pull 2 slags at once!!!

But in my continued public service, I have decided to compile a list of the Top 5 signs that a guy is trying to get you in the sack. SO ladies, if a guy is pulling these moves, do your good deed for the day and give in from time to time. Hey, if I'm not getting laid, at least a few of you will!!

Top 5 Signs A Guy Is Trying To Get You In The Sack

5. He Starts To Increase Your Booze Intake: It starts off innocent enough, he buys you a beer. Then the next thing you know, you're shotgunning cans of PBR over a pool table with his hand down your pants trying to figure out your religion.

4. He Cleans Up: He tries something different with you. He puts on something like Axe body spray. He might even put on enough of that fancy toilet water to make layers of paint peel off a wall like a banana. BTW, if you want to know what the Devil smells like, go here and sample it next time you're out.

3. Sexy Voice/Heavy Breathing: As if wearing good smelling stuff ain't enough, the male on the prowl will often employ tactics that he thinks are guaranteed to get your juices flowing. I've often employed the "leaning myself close to your neck" with the mistaken belief that my exaggerated breathing will elicit that "drop the panties" response. Plus, the whole "You're so hot baby" talk that we males employ is guaranteed to make you giggle with your girlfriends next time you meet up.

2. The Rubbing: What woman can resist a man rubbing himself all over you? Admit it, you're powerless once that simulated act of intercourse is ongoing. We'll start humping you in the midst of foreplay like a frantic chihuahua going to town on a chew toy. Or when you cuddle with us, you get the 3-inch killer rubbed all over ya' ... see, you're completely in our control when this happens!! Submit to our will ... I command you!!!

1. He's Breathing and Has a Penis: Yeah, this is the sure sign we're trying to get into your pants. Any breathing man is almost always certainly trying to get into your pants. I know this is a very "When Harry Met Sally" revelation, but work with me here people.

So if anyone has any other sure signs, let me know. Remember ladies, give in every once in a while. It's your civic duty.

Reunion Of My Bands

2007-01-29T11:47:00.000-05:00

I'm not a fan of bands reuniting. Let's get that straight up front. The problem with reunions is that one of two things happens: 1) the reunion blows and everyone remembers why they should have never gotten back together in the first place; or 2) the reunion goes really well and the band decides to record new material which more often than not ends up sucking ass.

However, I was made aware of a pending reunion by the ultra-sexy gun toting Lindsay. It appears that Rage Against the Machine will be doing a one-off reunion at Coachella.

Now, Rage Against The Machine wouldn't be one of those bands to reunite and put out a shit album. It's not in their blood to put out shitty music. It would be hard, heavy, and political. It is the shot in the arm that free-thinking, pissed off, alienated liberals like me need. We need Zach to start taking open shots at close minded fucking right-wing fucksticks and calling out the Anti-Christ and him minions.

Recently another one of the bands of my debauched youth is reuniting ... well, not so much reuniting as bringing back the voice of the band while letting go of the rhythm. Van Halen has confirmed that they are reuniting with David Lee Roth to bring back the Van Halen that fucking rocked the late 70's and early 80's. This is a welcome respite from the Van Hagar era and that fucking abortion of a rock band with the pussy singer from Extreme.

However, this won't be THE Van Halen that I grew up with. It's complete except for one piece. Michael Anthony, the bassist's bassist, hasn't been invited to the reunion. The driving rhythm of this band has been left out to be replaced by Eddie Van Halen's 15 year old son. So what does this hold for the band that once had signs outside their dressing room reading "No virgins allowed"? Does this mean that when a 45 year old woman gets riled up to "Unchained" that she can't flash her tits because there's a minor on stage?

Let's all hope Diamond Dave rocks it and Eddie's son doesn't blow it.

Beautifully Sad Fairy Tale

2007-01-28T17:41:00.000-05:00

Last night, I was supposed to go to one of these ultra-hip places to "be seen" in Atlanta. It's one of those martini bars where you pay like $15 to get in with overpriced and watered down drinks. The sort of bar where if you ask for Grey Goose vodka, the bartender looks at you like you ordered at pork rinds at while dining at the Waldorf. Naturally, you're supposed to order the vodka that is made by blind Russian monks in bathtubs using potatoes grown in imported soil that only like 3 people have ever heard of at $400 a bottle.

But last night was one of those "blah" nights where no one wanted to go out. So I decided to not let the night be a complete waste. I went to catch a movie and I'm glad I did.

I finally saw "Pan's Labyrinth". Let me tell you, this movie is beautiful, scary, and sad all at the same time. This ain't your kid's fairy tales. I won't give away too much because no one wants to read what happens but you will figure out what is going on in the movie after a bit.

But that didn't stop the audience from being hushed the entire movie. I'm serious; during the last 40 minutes of movie, there wasn't a peep from the audience. No errant cell phones. No couples talking. Only dead silence and a few people wiping away silent tears. It's not often that a movie gets the whole crowd to shut up. Hell, that alone was worth the price of admission. But, it is a great movie and I highly, highly recommend it.

One of Those Mornings

2007-01-26T09:36:00.000-05:00

This morning, I woke up sore as hell. As part of my punishment for carrying all of the shit food I regularly eat around what would otherwise be a nice flat tummy, my trainer is sadist who loves to see me suffer for my sins. So I slowly, piece by piece, roll my tubby ass out of bed and make my way through my morning routine.

One of the worst part of the workouts that I've been doing are the sore muscles that I've never really worked. For instance, my ass. First of all, I have an ass that would be jealous of a nine year-old girl's posterior. In other words, I need a belt with my boxers. So for whatever reason (possibly because I've been using my ass to compensate for my severely sore quads), whatever little ass muscle I have burns all day. I take an extra 20 minutes to get ready because I just can't move as quickly as I would normally, so I'm running late at this point.

I make the drive to work and I forgot there are like 3 conventions going on at once today. I believe it was some sort of right-wing, Neo-Nazi rally with Colin Powell, Guiliani, and the Trump whipping up the brain dead into a capitalistic fervor. Plus, some sort of dairy convention so all the hayseeds in Georgia were trying to manuever their giant extended cab trucks through downtown Atlanta as if it wasn't crowded enough. And ... there was some sort of evangelical "Jesus is love but he hates the gays" convention as well. SO you can imagine the venom I was spewing as I tried to navigate through this mess.

I get into the ghetto-ass parking lot some 6 blocks from work. At this point, I get to listen to my music which is a brief respite during my foray of being surrounded by the lowest common denominator of intellect. I put in my MP3's earbuds and start walking. I can't figure out why they're so uncomfortable. I adjust .... readjust. Still, one of the earbuds feels like it's scraping the inside of my ear.

Turns out that one of those little silicone sleeves that help the bud fit your ear fell off. The seal is horrible and my ear is hurting. In other words, no music on my way in. So this is a guarantee that my bane of my existence will hit me up for change on my way in. And .... they did. It seems even the homeless respect that unwritten law of you don't bug someone when they have their headphones on!!! Note to self: get new earbuds.

Flesh Eating Lawyers, Crackheads, and Bums!!!

2007-01-25T15:03:00.001-05:00

I swear ... sometimes, I really love my job. We get on these weird topics that somehow lead us in all directions that typically leave us laughing our asses off at stupid shit. Let me give you an idea of some of the topics of the past two weeks:

How everyone thought Bobby Brown was the crazy one, but that after some time, it was Whitney who was really the crackhead.

Various stories that homeless have given to get change out of us.

Is Kirsten Dunst hot?

What legitimate reason could anyone give for having church services that last more than hour.

Why is it that watching a guy get it in the balls is hilarious.

Today's topic was a good one though: In the hypothetical, the entire law department is on a trip to South America when our plane crashes in the Andres. Of all our co-workers, who would we eat first?

This was a tough question because how does one set criteria for this? Would you base this on looks? What about some of the bigger people: is there too much fat?

This just goes to show your tax dollars are hard at work!!

The A,B,C's of Me

2007-01-24T07:56:00.000-05:00

I have had this post sitting in edit for a while and I can't even remember whose blog I stole it from. Anyways, here goes .....

A- Available or single? - If you're cute, hell yeah.
B- Best Friend? - Got a few.
C- Cake or Pie? - Pie; nothing beats pumpkin or key lime pie. Besides, pie sounds dirtier!
D- Drink of Choice - Coke Zero or Tecate (in the can of course with lime and salt) or Newcastle
E- Essential Item? - My MP3 player
F- Favorite Color? - Either one of several shades of blue or green
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? - Haribo Gummi Bears
H- Hometown? - Dalhart, Texas but New Mexico is always home
I- Indulgence? - Buttery, salty popcorn that costs like $9 at the movies
J- January or February? - January because Valentine's Day sucks
K- Kids and names? - I've been told that kids have names
L- Life is incomplete without? - Family
M- Marriage Date? - Are you kidding? I'd be happy to just find a girl to talk dirty to me at this point.
N- Number of Siblings? - 2 sisters and one brother
O- Oranges or apples? - Fuji apples are the best fruit known to man
P- Phobias/Fears? - I hate, hate high open places; I'd never be able to be climb Everest
Q- Favorite Quote? - "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
R- Reason to Smile? - Because I'm always thinking dirty thoughts
S- Season? - Fall is the best; still a bit warm in the day and cold at night
T- Tag three people! - 3 people don't even read my drivel
U- Unkown Fact About Me? - I was once on Wheel of Fortune.
V- Vegetable you hate? - Squash; who the fuck likes squash!!
W- Worst habit? - I spend money in various amounts way too often and don't keep track of it
X- X-Rays you've had? - Wouldn't you like to know?
Y- Your favorite food? - Carne asada tacos ... just corn tortillas, onions, cilantro, lime, and grilled steak
Z- Zodiac? - Gemini

You can do this if ya' want!! If not, just make fun of me with my list.

Top 5 Tuesday

2007-01-23T16:16:00.000-05:00

Last weeks Top 5 Tuesday was sort of a downer. So this weeks will be a real pick me up ... or should I say "prick" me up. Oh me!!

Top 5 Porno Titles With Mainstream Inspiration

5. "Sperms of Endearment" - A touching movie where one member is slowly fading away. Or is that a movie where one is touching his quickly rising member?

4. "The Legend In Bagger's Pants" - Finally a movie that makes watching golf exciting. We'd love to see the hole-in-one in this one!

3. " Batman In Robin" - This movie finally answers the question of why a grown man would take in some street urchin into his home. Let's see: Bruce Wayne lives alone in a big house and he wears tights. 'Nuff said.

2. "The Bad Nudes Bared" - Just how did the coach got his last name "Buttermaker"?

1. "Sorest Rump" - I won't even go into the analogy of how "life is like a box of chocolates". Actually, any chocolate reference isn't going to sound good at this point given the title of this masturbatory-piece.

Some other finalists include "The Brady Munch", "Caddysnatch", "Diddle Her On The Roof", "Honey, I Shrank Your Clit", and "Men In Back".

So folks get on it and give me some of your five faves!!

I'll Sue That Crazy Guy Pissing In The Street

2007-01-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

I know they're a target of some of my most venomous attacks and I'm sure you have gotten tired of my incessant droning about them. But finally someone has gotten more fed up with the homeless than I am.

A New York antiques dealer is suing a group of homeless that sleep and urinate outside his shop. He's not just suing for any ole' amount ... no, no .... he's going for the gusto. A cool mil.

I think I'll take the same approach here. I'll sue for the pain and suffering I must endure as I walk to work through the wafting aroma of piss in the air and ass.

For tomorrow, a new Top 5 Tuesday topic! Stay tuned ... this one is going to be fun!!

Sports Get Me Too Worked Up

2007-01-21T22:34:00.000-05:00

I swear, I'm gonna have a heart attack one of these days. You think I'm kidding? Follow me here a bit ....

Today I'm watching the AFC Championship game. Now, let's get this straight. If you were reading me this time last year, I was jumping like crazy when the Steelers won the Superbowl. I have been a Steelers fan since I was old enough to hold a football. I was 10 years old when they won their last Superbowl, so 26 years later it was sooooooo sweet.

However, all of my love for my team often isn't as passionate as my hatred for the teams I truly loathe.

Example, the New York Yankees. Fuck I hate this team. They truly are 'The Evil Empire'. They are the Wal-Mart of Major League Baseball. Every year these fucksticks have the money to buy the best players in baseball and bully around nothing teams like the Royals or the Devil Rays. Few things warm my heart more when a team that has to sell off old office equipment, like the Minnesota Twins, get to the playoffs and go further than NY. SO, when the DBacks beat the Yankees, I was happier than a pig in shit. I was ecstatic that the DBacks won, but I was happier that the Yankees had lost.

Second example, the Lakers (sorry Jen). No one is a bigger whining bitch on the face of the earth than Kobe. I love seeing him struggle now since he truly believed the hype that he was the anointed one that could lead that team by himself. I wasn't a Shaq fan, but guess who got a ring Kobe? It wasn't your bitch ass.

These pale in comparison for the hatred I have for the Cowboys (sorry YNH) and the Patriots. I FUCKING HATE THESE TWO TEAMS. I loved that when Michael Irving landed on his head in the old Veterans Stadium, Eagles fans cheered when he was wheeled off the field on a stretcher with a neck brace! I loved watching Ted Bruschi with that look like he was going to cry today when the Pats blew it.

First of all, Dallas has the audacity to claim they're "America's Team". Right, I forgot that America's Team would have a guy involved with a stripper, coke, and a cop. America's Team would need a guy to get busted transporting hundreds of pounds of weed .... twice!!

Next, the Patriots have get every questionable bullshit call starting with the now infamous "tuck rule" which makes no fucking sense to anyone except the ref that called it. I swear it's as if the NFL is doing everything to give them another title. No other team gets away with taunting or shit talking like the Patriots. I'm sick of them proclaiming that they get no respect from the press and that they're always the underdogs. Nothing turns my stomach more than watching a press conference with Bruschi and that fucking flat head of his. Guess what though? You jackfucks won't have the Lombardi trophy this year ... FUCK YEAH!!

See what I mean? I got worked up just typing this. Like all good Americans, we like to see the successful fall down. I just happen to love it more than most when it comes to these teams.

Help Me On This One

2007-01-19T11:12:00.000-05:00

I'm trying people. Really, I am. I value myself as an open-minded, progressive liberal who really tries to see both sides of the story. But I am beginning to wonder about Islam.

It stated with an article that came out today about the new season of 24. It seems that some Islamic groups are upset at being portrayed as terrorists this season. So there will be the usual around the Islamic world: protests and boycotts aimed at stopping Muslims from being portrayed as terrorists. They will be organized, articulate, and convince many of the true ideals of Islam.

Yet, I fail to find this same sort of organized response towards the violence in the Middle East with Muslim killing Muslim, nor will I see this same response towards radical Islamic groups in places like the UK who profess that they will carry on a jihad there.

A political thinker once declared that until mainstream Muslims denounce the violence associated with these fringe Islamic groups, no amount of firepower around the world will stop it. I take this thought seriously. I'm not saying that Christianity doesn't have its sins. We're all too familiar with the Catholic church's lack of response towards the holocaust, the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, and how Christianity was used to justify Jim Crow in the South.

But how do moderate Muslims justify the violence that has occurred in the UK? What about the Madrid subway bombings? What about the sectarian violence in Iraq? When a sacred and ancient mosque was destroyed in sectarian violence, the only real voices outside of those directly affected to be heard were archaeologists! I didn't see or hear about mass protests in Montreal or New York or London denouncing this senseless destruction.

Yet a small cartoon comes out in a locally distributed Dutch newspaper and Muslims everywhere are in the streets protesting and rioting. If Catholics protested anytime an unflattering cartoon appeared about the Pope or the Church, we'd never get to mass on Sundays!

I wonder if it's the whole strong arm tactic with violent groups within Islam. If you speak out against them, then you're not a true follower and no Muslim wants that. It's almost as if a very, very small faction of Islam has hijacked an entire religion.

Perhaps it's almost that American sorta of response. You know that whole "Yeah, we fight amongst ourselves but leave us the fuck alone or you'll be sorry."

Maybe it's the whole renaissance of Islam itself. I like to think that this is what Islam is going through. The world is becoming smaller and those that can't deal with new ideas are going to react violently towards the inevitable death of their closed experience. I truly, truly hope this is what is going on. But if you can shed some light on this to help me understand, please, please, please do so!

Ex's Back In Texas (well ... really mostly in New Mexico)

2007-01-18T17:09:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine was recently on a reality show. He didn't do quite well and was "fired" immediately. The funny thing is that once the show was over, he was deluged with calls from the Exes.

Oh yes, that funny little creature known as the Ex that somehow has a nose for those times when you've lost that 50 lbs to look better than ever or you've hit the Powerball. He's been besieged with calls from Exes he hasn't talked to in over 10 years and it's even gotten so bad that the mother of one of his Exes has called him. All in a days work for someone whose image has national appeal.

The funny thing is that I think I'm hitting that time when my high school classmates are beginning to reevaluate their lives. Yep, the 20 year reunion is next fall.

I'm beginning to get emails from girls I went to high school with. Girls that really didn't pay me any attention other than as friends are now emailing me. I've had a couple of ex-girlfriends from back in the day get in touch with me. One ex was one of my first girlfriends ever and she moved after our 8th grade year. Another ex went to my mom's work and asked for my new number!!

I wonder if this is something that everyone at this age goes through. I just found this to be a curious oddity of getting older.

Top 5 Tuesday: A New Tradition

2007-01-16T11:50:00.000-05:00

Joel started his Film Vault Fridays which I absolutely loved. He critiqued movies and directed us to certain points in the movie to pay close attention. Since he hasn't blogged in a while, so I'm starting my own recurring theme.

In honor of one of my heroes of the literary /cinematic worlds and oh so oft referenced here, Rob Gordon, I am beginning Top 5 Tuesdays.

So each Tuesday, I'll take a topic and do a Top 5 list a la High Fidelity and run with it. For those of you who still read my drivel, please feel free to post your own Top 5 on your blogs or comment on mine.

The Inaguraul Edition will start off on somewhat of a down note but it will get better each week, I promise:

Top 5 Songs To Be Played At My Funeral

5. "The Cowboy Rides Away" - George Strait : Having grown up out in the hinterlands of civilized society, I still pine for mountain vistas, blue skies, the smell of dust and sage in the air, and those wide open spaces (yes, I do see the connection between this song and the Dixie Chicks song; believe it or not, there are a few ... a very few, country artists I can stomach). Anyways, this is one of those great songs that make me miss Eastern New Mexico and the Texas Panhandle.

4. "Many Rivers To Cross" - Jimmy Cliff : One of the quintessential great reggae tunes of our time. Jimmy seems to penetrate my soul with lyrics like this:

Many rivers to cross

And it's only my will that keeps me alive

I've been licked, washed up for years

And I merely survive because of my pride

Preach on brother Jimmy, preach on. This song hits you where it's supposed to hit ya' and I'm grateful for it. And yes .... I stole this idea from High Fidelity but I do love the song.

3. "Finnegan's Wake" - the Dubliners : My fascination with the Irish culture will continue after my death. I have informed my family and in my will that I want a wake in the style of the Emerald Isle. In other words, I want my friends, family, acquaintances, enemies, one-night stands, etc. together to hit a bar and celebrate my life with the sort of drunken debauchery that someone with a life as dull as mine could merit. It probably will be a Coors Light kinda night but at least this song is hilarious. The first time someone spills booze, they'll fully expect to arise from the dead to admonish the offender!

2. "My Way" - Sid Vicious : Few tunes could sum up a life that burned bright and quickly to end with a huge bang. But Sid's lack of vocal styling make this song sound as if I led this crazy, rebellious life boozing and partying … well, I sorta did in undergrad. Yeah ... that's the ticket. I did do things my way and damnit, it's paid off ... somewhat. So yeah, I did do it my way!

1. "Arizona State Fight Song" : Yeah, it's kinda cheesy, but when Gerald Ford died recently and the Michigan fight song was played at his funeral, it just struck a chord with me. After all, many of you know me as Cincysundevil so it's only fitting. Besides, when I'm buried in my sweet maroon & gold coffin emblazoned with Sparky, this will be the icing on the cake .. or the first handful of dirt on me .. or whatever. You know what I mean.

There are some songs that almost made the list like "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie, "Happy Trails" by Van Halen, or "Danke Schoen" by Wayne Newton. But I've got my 5. Any thoughts? Comments? Are you prepared to meet your maker with your 5 in hand???

Whose Name Goes With Whom??

2007-01-12T15:11:00.000-05:00

In California, a guy is attempting to take his fiance's last name once they get married. Mike Buday wants to take his future wife's last name to become Mike Bijon. Apparently it is a long, expensive and burdensome process to take your wife's last name. Of course, it isn't anything but a 5 minute trip to the justice of the peace to take your husband's last name. Granted, if my last name were Buday, I'd want to change my name as well.

When I was with ML what seems like ages ago, we had this discussion. It centered around whether she would take my last name if we got married. She insisted that she wanted to keep her last name (in her case, I honestly wonder if it wasn't more a case of just not wanting anyone to know she was married rather than the convenience of changing licenses, stationary, etc. that professionals that get married face). I never once insisted she take mine.

Then she asked why I wouldn't take her last name. I simply replied that I was proud of my last name and that I was happy with it. She said that now I understood why she didn't want to take mine.

That left me wondering why legally it is so much harder for a man to take his wife's last name. I can't imagine a sound legal basis for this. I know that in the past, a wife was considered a man's property and so on. But in this modern age, one has to wonder why hasn't the law caught to resemble what is now a firmly held belief in American society: that no one is another's property.

Americans Fall For Anything

2007-01-11T21:05:00.000-05:00

We live in a nation ruled by those who can scream the loudest and make you the most scared. Don't believe me? Look at these jackfucks to my right; do you really think they're all that smart? Don't you think that they really believe that Cheney-Bush-Nazi message that if you don't vote for the Darkside, the other guys would just allow terrorists in at every port in this nation?

Of course, this is all the fault of Beverly Hills 90210. This is the show that started all of this bullshit with superlatives. Superlatives have ruined America for anyone who can think beyond a Toby Keith commercial. You see, it was this "program" that always ran this promo:

"Brenda must decide what to do after lunch while Dylan combs his hair so as to not look so old. On a very special 90210."

How in the fuck can every episode by a "very special 90210"??? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of special, meaning that it is out of the ordinary? If every episode is very special, then it's commonplace and it's not fucking special!!!

This goes on all the time. With everything from Victoria's Secret to American Karaoke. If you want these slogans to have some meaning try this:

90210: Kelly gets a train run on her at a house party on a pool table while frat boys take their turn with Brenda. On a Very Special 90210.

Now, wouldn't you watch that one? Hell, you'd TiVo it for posterity! That would be a very special 90210; just like that special 90210 I left in the bathroom at Jethro's Deli in Alabama after all you can pork sphincters and chicken innards (why hell, in Alabama there there is fine dining!)

Victoria's Secret: Come to Victoria's Secret at 11:38 AM on Thursday morning for our biggest sale ever.

Is it bigger than the last "biggest sale ever"? To compensate, Vicky's should insist that all sales people look like they should be in Hustler and they have to try on all items for customers. Biggest sale ever? I don't know about that one, but I'll sure have my biggest chub ever.

America Fuckstick: Watch this week for the Most Important American Idol ever!

I forgot, the welfare of the free world depends on whether the Wal-Mart crowd can punch their cell phones with their fat fingers enough times. I've got an idea to make it really important: the bottom two contestants each week get sodomized by Ron Jeremy on Pay-Per-View. They get a dick the size of a freakin' Pringles can up the wazoo.

Maybe I should become a reality show creator. Whadda ya think?

My Newest Love Who Will Reject My Advances

2007-01-09T14:13:00.000-05:00

Just who is this cute little minx with that sultry smile? Just how angelic is her voice? Just how sauve and cool is she? This my friends is the new love of my life, a little English chica named Lily Allen.

She's a great new songmistress from the UK. Her sound is a little eclectic, but definitely something I found myself bobbing my head to in the car. She's got a cute voice and mixing reggae/calypso beats with great lyrics does the job quite nicely.

Definitely check out her song "LDN" which is a great little tune with a great horn sample from a Harry Belafonte song (I think). Definitely go out and check out this song (I think Chelle will really like this if she hasn't already heard this).

Yeah, she's only 21, but that's okay. Sure, she'll probably fall in love with some 23 year old guy with washboard abs ... but hey, I've got life experience ... that's got to count for something, right?

And The Gators Weren't Supposed To Be Here????

2007-01-08T07:33:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago at the end of the season for Ohio State and Michigan, Michigan coach Lloyd Carr lobbied and whined that they deserved another shot at the national title considering how close the game was between No. 1 and No. 2.. Nationally everyone questioned whether Florida really deserved the shot at the title.

First Michigan get their asses handed to them by USC. This is poetic justice for me after having to listen to everyone in the rest of the nation piss and moan how USC doesn't have to play any competition all year long. The fact is, my beloved Sun Devils played USC better than Michigan did in the Rose Bowl.

Now, I'm beginning to really wonder whether Ohio State had just been overrated all year long. I'm a big fan of a really good game ... unless of course it's my Sun Devils; then I want them to blow out anyone they play. But this was a good game for the first 3 minutes of the game.

Troy Smith ... Heisman winner? Wow, this guy spent more time on his back than a Republican lobbyist. The Ohio State offense has their asses pinned to the bench more often than Paris Hilton's ankles are pinned behind her ears. The vaunted Ohio State defense was about as solid a foundation as is any movie that is dependent upon Lindsay Lohan's acting skills.

This all begs the question of the playoff system. I really think that Boise State could've handed Michigan their ass just like USC did. I think a playoff would've pitted USC vs. Florida or LSU in the title game. Instead, we'll just get more lopsided games because of the good ole' boy system. Until we get a playoff, we'll never get a true national champ.

I'm The Trix Magoo Of Love

2007-01-07T14:21:00.001-05:00

Steve Miller's "The Joker" was the gangster of love, a smooth guy who was suave and a playboy. Now most people typically weave in and out of relationships. They pick up on the signals. They flirt at the right time with the right people. Next thing you know, they're dating someone seriously for months on end. Imagine that your love life is like a movie. Compared to my love life, 99% of the dating population is like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie effortlessly gliding through the flotsam and jetsam.

In the movie of my life, the actor who would play me would either be Mr. Magoo or the Trix rabbit. You see, my love life is a series of bumbling misadventures that leave me in some incredible quagmire flailing like an idiot. Unlike Mr. Magoo or the Trix rabbit, I don't end up with the bowl of cereal or with the girl at the end. So let me illustrate this with a story involving a character that represents your truly: The Trix Magoo, a combination of the blindest man and a sad sack character who can't win no matter what.

My most recent series of misadventures starts with Trix Magoo meeting some great people at an event. One very cute lady emails our hero out of the blue to ask if he going to another event in the near future. Over time, she tells him things like how a guy could get to her, how she hopes that she might meet someone who really likes her kids, etc. All the things that our hero Trix Magoo is all about.

However, true to form, Trix Magoo misreads the intentions of the Vixen. The Vixen explains that she isn't looking for a relationship and that she actually digs another fellow. Just like Mr. Magoo falling off the edge of a building or the Trix rabbit having that bowl of processed sugar snagged from his grasp as he is about to get that first taste, he is cast into the friend zone (cue the wah wah waaaahhhh sound indicating another misstep).

At this point in the movie, you can cue the bloopers reel as the credits pass by showing Trix Magoo misreading what he thinks are flirtations and ending up with egg on his face. I think Trix Magoo could use some classes on reading women because he is truly hopefully.

Silly Trix Magoo, cute girls are for everyone else!!

My College Football Year In Review

2007-01-06T23:44:00.000-05:00

This year's college football season is almost over and once again, the only thing certain is that my school didn't live up to expectations.

In the preseason, Arizona State started off in the top 25. Although I never heard the prediction myself, some told me that Lou Holtz declared my beloved Sun Devils would win the BCS.

But hey, this is my team coached by that useless assclown named Dirk Koetter. The only thing certain with a Koetter coached team is that it will not live up to any expectation. This year was no different. He starts the year with the infamous flip-flop that forced a senior QB Sam Keller to leave ASU for Nebraska. We play USC tight, but get blown out by Cal, Oregon, Oregon State, and in our bowl game. God must've loved me this year because the assclown was fired at the end of the year. We hired Dennis Erickson who has won a couple of national titles and coached in the NFL. The good thing about this hire is that he was hired to get us to national prominence. Anything less will be unacceptable to not only us alumni, but to the president and AD.

The bowl season this year was tough for me. Not only did ASU get blown out, but so did my Irish as well. The funny thing is, the one team I didn't expect to win a bowl game did. Cincinnati won their bowl game with a new head coach coaching his first game.

Next season? I'd love to see my Sun Devils finish in the top 20, then the following year, the top 10. But ASU has broken my heart several times. Maybe they'll deliver next season (which when put together are my two least favorite words ever .....)

I'd Better Have Manly Milk With My Latte

2007-01-05T20:37:00.000-05:00

In a desperate attempt to further polarize this nation and turn attention away from real issues, a conservative zealot has decided to unleash his venom on an innocent enough medium: food.

This is a popular tactic among the extreme factions of either the right or the left. They'll make an outrageous claim by attributing it's effects to a reviled behavior or to a marginalized segment of a population. According to Jim Rutz, soy is making American kids gay.

Of course, this is the same sort of paranoia that the extreme right wing has used to force its agenda on Americans. It's sad but Americans as a society don't progress enough sometimes. We allow ourselves to be led about by anyone who wraps themselves up in either the flag or the Bible.

It was the same at the turn of the century with the Irish being portrayed as a horde bent on anarchy and destruction. This is the same paranoia that whites in the South and elsewhere used to justify the methods of the KKK from those newly freed black hordes. This is the same sort of jingoism that is pervading the national debate on immigration.

Rutz is one of those people who believe that for this nation there is only one religion that fits: his. This is why I'm so opposed to people of his ilk. If you're willing to use the flag or God to obtain your personal objectives, you're a threat to any free society.

Even Spicoli Has To Grow Up

2007-01-04T13:15:00.001-05:00

It's funny how much you change as you get older. As we get older, we desperately try to hang onto any semblance of cool. I've seen 40 year old men at the gym trying to bench press twice their own body weight (which only results in pulled muscles and no desire to come back after the soreness has worn off). I've seen 45 year old dudes complaining about the noise levels at concerts nearly reduced to tears at the realization that he really has no business down in the pit. And we've all seen the 50 year old guy cruising around in a new sports car, sunglasses, 25 year old Hooter's girlfriend, and a balding dome bright enough to harness solar energy for small 3rd world countries.

However, it's not just men who suffer through this. At Target, we've all seen suburban moms driving demon-spawn vehicles (fucking mini-vans) who buy a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD for that one slow song only to realize that these are the guys who wore socks over their schlongs. We've seen 45 year old women still trying to wear hip huggers sporting enough ice on their fingers to fund the state of Rhode Island. And yes, we've seen 50 year old women at the club with her 25 year old daughter, both trying to pick up the same 30 year old guy.

I finally fell victim (albeit ever so slightly) to my aging phenom. In the midst of my red eye infection, I needed to pick up my prescription at Target. Being my first time at this particular pharmacy, I have to fill in the questionaire prompted by a young pharmacy tech who was reminiscent of Cedric the Entertainer with the only real difference being that she was actually entertaining and funny.

As we go through the quick form, we come to a question about booze and if I used it regularly. I found myself stumbling to explain that I would have a couple of beers a couple of times a month, but no more than that. I'm a social drinker you know. I mean, I get a little tipsy now and then, but nothing crazy. This went on for a good minute or two as I tried to justify the damage I do to my liver on a regular basis.

As she left to get my prescription, it hit me how much I've changed in 10 years. At age 26, I might have said something like "Hell yeah, I drink. Shit, I'm drunk now! Tonight the Monastery has $1.50 Coronas. You and your friends should go meet us out there."

Now, the one-time Spicoli wannabe from a small town in New Mexico is reduced to justifying the 3 or 4 beers he has during a monthly outing. Getting older sucks ass.

Resolutions and I'm Not Dying Just Yet

2007-01-03T18:46:00.000-05:00

Today I went to work with my crimson orb lighting my way as if Rudolph were lighting the way for Santa's sleigh. A few people are left with the hideous image of my red eye burned onto their retinas and I'm pretty sure it will ruin their dinner tonight as well.

Being new to the ATL, I have yet to find a doctor or an optometrist that I trust. This mornings first order of business was to get an appointment to see an eye doctor. At first, the optometrist wasn't going to be able to see me until Monday. I told the male receptionist about my eye. He puts me on hold and the next thing I know, he's got me coming in for a quick appointment in the afternoon.

The optometrist was a pretty cool, low key kinda guy who reminded me of an urban Dr. Katz. He admitted his initial thought was that a simple blood vessel popped in the eye was nothing to worry about. But I started to get worried as his quick examination started to involve a couple of different machines and then some sort of yellow eyedrops that smarted a bit. This quick examination turned into a full blown half-hour extravaganza of lights, bells, and whistles.

Turns out that I didn't pop a blood vessel, rather, I had some sort of infection in the endothelium which is part of the outer portions of the eye. Long story short, it was an actual infection of the eye and I certainly needed to go into the optometrist. The optometrist said that he was sure it was only a busted vessel from what I said on the phone, but he was glad we caught this thing since it is a bit more serious than we both thought until after the examination. I was given a prescription for some steroid eye drops and with that, here I am.

Now onto more relevant issues: My resolutions for the New Year!!

1. Keep up my blog: Sounds simple enough but one lazy night always leads to 2 or 3. Next thing you know, I haven't posted in weeks. This is sort of like my gym schedule lately.

2. Keep in touch with everyone: I'm notoriously horrible at this one; just ask JHD, S, and any of my other friends who keep me in their good graces through patience and charity.

3. Work out consistently: I hate this sorta thing right now after the holidays because everyone gets back into town, so you're going to dinner with someone one night or there is a college bowl game every night of the week. It's over next week, so time to get serious.

4. Allow myself to fail: This is the big one. Fear of failure/rejection keeps me from doing so much more with my life. I think we all need to give ourselves permission to fail. To sorta paraphrase Wayne Gretzky: you can't score if you don't shoot the puck.

So that is what is new with the Devil. Now, post your resolutions por favor!

Red Eyes and Resolutions

2007-01-02T23:05:00.000-05:00

You know ... I had a whole great post idea of what I was going to post on Monday night. I had a few resolutions, a few bitches or complaints, and a few of my oh so hilarious observations.

As with all things at the holidays, I got sidetracked with a few other "important" projects, such as chatting late into the night with people who didn't have to work on Tuesday. So this morning, I expected to arise with eager anticipation for a new year.

Only that didn't happen. Instead, I woke up with a headache that for whatever reason I couldn't decipher in the pre-dawn darkness. I hemmed and hawed but couldn't shake the headache. So I called in sick to work. A few ibuprofen and a few extra hours of sleep, the headache was mostly gone but not completely.

Around 6 PM tonight, I was washing my face and just happened to notice that my eye looked like a roadmap outlining my past debauchery. I have no idea what happened other than I possibly popped a blood vessel in my eye. The only question is now how did I do that if that is what I indeed did.

Did I pull a Stewie and fart too hard? Was it this pic that blinded me? Who knows what caused it but I'm going to try to hit my optometrist to see what he says. I'll keep you updated and give you my resolutions.

What To Do Tonight ... What To Do Next Year

2006-12-31T18:51:00.000-05:00

I really have no idea what I'm doing tonight. Honestly, I think I'd be pretty content to simply stay in and watch my Netflix movies.

But such is not my lot in life with family in town. Instead, I'll go to a NYE party and end up standing around after midnight while all the couples make out.

It's okay though .... I'm sure the booze will flow in abundance, the food will be spilling out onto the table, and the music will be great. Maybe that is what I need to do next year ... try new things. Either that or just hang out with people who are more willing to booze it up. Either way, things have go to change next year.

So from me to you and yours, have a Happy New Year and remember to be careful tonight.

Why Family Is Great

2006-12-30T23:24:00.000-05:00

You know, sometimes you really forget how great it is to have family nearby. I mean, I know I have my cousins in Kennesaw, but it's nice to see other members of your family.

I downright envy those of you with relatives nearby. My problem is that for all the things I wanted to do with my life, I needed to move from home. My mother once told me a few years ago that she knew I'd never be happy living near them because there is nothing there for me (apart from family that is).

From the time I was a kid, my family knew I'd be moving away. On the first day of kindergarten, my mom drives up to the school and she is a bawling mess. She pulls into the lot and I say "Bye mom!!" and with that, I bolted out of the Blazer. Of course, mom caught up with me, made me give her a hug, tell her that I love her and all that jazz. Yeah, I was ready to go.

So tonight, I went up to my cousin's place in Kennesaw and I got a treat. Some of my family came into town for the New Year's Eve. The real treat was that menudo was already cooked when I got there. Once I had gorged myself on this along with a few Tecates, tamales were being made from scratch. Tomorrow I've got to pick up a dozen for myself.

It's just a real comfort to see this, though. I remember so vividly being at my grandmother's home since this was a regular occurrence. With my family, there is always food, drink, and laughter. Tonight was no exception and it felt so great to spend time with my family. It helps to ground me from time to time. We all need that.

I'm Moving To Spain

2006-12-29T23:45:00.000-05:00

I could so move to Spain. I know I've threatened this before with Ireland after my trip. This has been a week full of Spain for me. Let me explain ....

On Christmas Day, I went up to my cousin's place. As it turns out, a friend of mine had just taken a trip to Spain about 2 weeks ago. She didn't have my new address, so she sent a postcard to my cousin's place. I gotta tell ya', I was pretty stoked for her. However ... it definitely should've been me going to Espana first.

Next, tonight I saw Volver. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I love Penelope Cruz. But I've got to tell you, this movie made me love her all the more. She is fantastic in this movie. Anyone who might've doubted her acting skills definitely should see this. Who knew her acting would be this strong? She's finally gotten rid of that crazy-ass, couch jumping elf a.k.a. Tom Cruise.

All of this has left me once again with my wanderlust rearing it's ugly head once again. Maybe I just love to travel and I don't get to do it enough to appreciate where I'm at. But, if Penelope were waiting at the other end, I could easily relocate anywhere ... even New Jersey!!

Crackhead Haiku

2006-12-28T10:50:00.000-05:00

It's obvious the holidays are here. No, I'm not talking about the fact that the Evil Empire starting putting up Christmas decorations since Labor Day. No, I'm not talking about suburbanites trying to "out-tacky" one another with gaudy lights all over their homes. It's more like the scourge of my morning walks have come out in force the last few days. Yes, my friends ... the homeless have been honing in on me more than ever. They're everywhere this week. It's as if they're taking full advantage of the holiday spirit replete with Santa hats and more pathetic than a George Bush press conference without pre-screened questions.

What I've decided to do is to compile a list of my favorite approaches and excuses used to extort change from me:

1. The I'm Going Somewhere Approach: This is a two-fold approach: 1) the sad sack face that it trying to convey the desperateness of their plight and 2) the story of where they're trying to get to. The standard approach is like this:

"Hey man, (cue pitiful face conveying some sort of emotion), I'm trying to get to (insert any of the following: mom's/sister's/brother's house; a shelter; out of town). I just (insert story here such as just got out of jail; got my wallet stolen; etc.). I just need some change to get me there or whatever you can spare."

I actually once tried to give a guy a valid subway pass I used on the Atlanta rail system. The guy just looked at the pass and was completely befuddled. He didn't know what to do. He prattled on about how he needed the cash more and wouldn't take the pass.

2. The Pitiful Look Approach: This is for the older or lazy homeless. Basically, this is just sitting there with the pitiful look waiting for someone to drop change. Some may couple this with a cardboard sign, stacking personal belongings nearby, or a dog on a piece of rope.

One day as we were walking out to lunch, one of my co-workers spotted one person using this approach. She stopped and said,"Wait a minute ... I know her!!" Turns out this person was married and living in the same complex as my friend. Apparently bumming change can be quite profitable.

3. The Nice Guy Approach: I get this one alot. A person will come way out of their way towards you smiling as if they've got some great news for you. This approach nearly always starts the same:

"How are you, sir/ma'am? Can I ask you a question?"

At this point you've got to cut them off or else they start going on and on. The first "no" is never enough; you almost always have to tell them that you simply don't have any change a couple of times.

4. Crazy/Smelly Approach: This one is simple. This person either reeks so horribly or is just so fucking crazy that you'll do anything to get them away from you ... like give them a buck or two. This one is extremely popular in downtown Atlanta restaurants like Subway or in a deli. I've seen this one work where the person walks in and starts rummaging through the trash in the store.

*****************************************

This post really has nothing to do with haiku's, but I thought the words "crackhead" and "haiku" just sounded really good together. I hope this post doesn't sound cruel; I just needed to vent about what I've been going through the past week.

Is It Acceptable?

2006-12-27T13:18:00.001-05:00

This topic was inspired by a friend of mine at work who brought in some pictures he wanted to post to his website. He is a couple of years older than me, so he was definitely into the fashion of the 80's and early 90's. Think Color Me Badd, think Girbaud jeans, think the movie House Party.

One picture in particular had him at about age 19 trying to strike what he considered a "hot" pose. It consisted of him with a light pink (almost white) button down shirt opened all the way down to the belly button with jeans on, bony chest exposed for the world to see. However, what caught my eye in the pic was this white belt. It was a miltary style white belt, which prompted me to ask: Is it ever acceptable for a man to wear a white belt?

He had another picture of him in high school. In this pic, he was wearing an t-shirt (I believe it was either like an OP or Vuarnet) and he had the shirt tucked into some khaki shorts. Again: Is it ever acceptable to wear a t-shirt tucked into shorts?

In the midst of being photographed while getting felt up by unibrow guy, one of Lindsay's buddies on one of her adventures prompted me to ask this one: Is it ever acceptable to wear sandals and socks?

These are questions that need to be asked in order for me to sleep at night. And trust me, no one likes a cranky Devil.

A Christmas Day Passing

2006-12-26T13:25:00.000-05:00

On Christmas Day, the world lost the Godfather of Soul.

In an age of scandal, we often lose track of what we will miss when a figure like James is gone. Instead, we relished watching James get into trouble with the law rather than celebrating his accomplishments. Now that he has passed, we'll all be missing out on what The Hardest Working Man In Show Business brought to the world.

I'm just as bad as anyone I'll admit: I loved when James had his face splashed across the headlines with his hair "looking like a bunch of spiders havin' a meeting on his head". But who didn't dip their shoulders in the rhythm to "Sex Machine"? Who didn't love the James Brown grunting and screaming? Who didn't have their own impression of that signature James Brown screaming and grunting? Who didn't love seeing James in "Undercover Brother" taunting Chris Kattan to say it "Loud"? Hell, we all did.

But do you know how James Brown was truly larger than life? Because he was featured on the Simpsons as himself. That is how you know you've made it. Soul Brother Number One definitely made it.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T00:52:00.000-05:00

Seeing as how I'm in the "Dirty South", I thought this the most fitting Christmas pic out there on the web.

Have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the time with your families. Just remember when your uncle is drunk and you're ready to choke those relatives who remind you why you hate family get togethers, you get to leave soon.

Grab a few beers for me, have some great food, and I will talk to you kids soon!!

I Make A Horrible Celeb

2006-12-23T23:28:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I don't really look like anyone famous ....

How in the fuck did Janeane Garofalo get into my list? I'm not a sexist, but I guess this is the ultimate sign that I am comfortable with my feminine side. And some of these celebs .... who in the hell is Anuar Zain?? I look the most like Philip Seymour Hoffman. A great actor, but let's face it .... there aren't alot of 23 year old Salma Hayek look alikes lining up to give him some.

Johnny Knoxville Is The Anti-Christ

2006-12-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

You know, with the holidays finally here, you would think that the holiday spirit is in full effect. You might think that people will relax and just focus on their families and worry about what is really important in life. You'd think that and so would I .... but we'd be wrong.

Apparently because a movie, which according to most reviews is actually really dull, didn't become the biggest movie of the year, some have determined that Hollywood is work of the Devil.

As absurd as it sounds, the Christian Film & Television Commission chairman declared that because The Nativity Story failed to rack up nearly every dollar spent at the movies in the past few weeks, it represented " a serious setback for people of faith who were hoping that Hollywood would produce more films for them". He further noted that Hollywood generally makes "extremely bigoted, anti-Christian movies" since they make big money and he cited Borat and my beloved Jackass. According to this crackhead chairman, it is the studio's fault for not marketing the movie to every church in the world.

Now, I understand that some people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. I know that some people are about as useful as a two-story outhouse. But this is the most absurd explanation I think I have ever heard for a movie's shortcomings. So somehow, it is the studio's fault that they didn't market a movie called The Nativity Story to churches? It's has the fucking word NATIVITY in the title. What else could this fucking movie be about? Does some couple from Piglick, Arkansas see commercials for this movie and think it's a coming of age sex romp story a la Porkys?

Plus, why call out Jackass and Borat? Sure Borat has the most uncomfortable masturbation scene in movie history and Johnny Knoxville's infamous drivers license photo is of him dressed as a Catholic priest. But how are these movies anti-Christian? Is it simply because these movies aren't stuffed with that crappy music that makes old people with too much makeup and big hair close their eyes and raise their hands to a generic beat? Is it because they don't follow a story from the Bible word for word?

Personally I think it is a sign of the new divisive politics of the right-wing. You see, religion is like patriotism. All it takes is for someone in a position of authority to wrap themselves up in either God or the American flag to declare "Either you follow my point of view or you're against God and/or you're unAmerican". If you can't create the "us vs. them" mentality, you could lose control of your flock. They might actually begin to think for themselves ... and you can't have that if you're leading sheep or they might become rams.

Did you see the pole, Kruger?

2006-12-21T14:41:00.000-05:00

The world has officially gotten tired of the commercialism of Christmas. In apparent response, a company in Wisconsin has begun to market the Official Festivus Pole.

I think if I ever get married and have kids, we may just have to do Festivus sometime in December.

Naturally there will be the airing of grievances. What better way to get in the holiday mood than to simply start family fights that are brewing just under the surface? Think about it; instead of waiting for a family member to fuck up .... again; this is just more of pre-emptive strike.

Next will be the feats of strength. Festivus cannot end until these are performed. With my family, this will typically consist of sitting through Lifetime movies which in of itself is a sure sign of intestinal fortitude. In my case, simply hauling my gargantuan carcass from the kitchen table to the couch is a feat to be rivaled. Wow, you know, even now Festivus is beginning to sound more and more like Christmas. Even Festivus is now ruined!!

I Stole This Idea From Brooke

2006-12-20T22:25:00.000-05:00

It's come to this, hasn't it? I've been reduced to stealing ideas from hot school teachers from Florida, namely Brooke. But this is a good lesson for me to ponder on.

30 Things I've Learned From Women

1. Women are much less superficial than men since they will love us for who we are, not what we look like, a.k.a. Catherine Zeta-Jones syndrome.
2. Thread count is really important when it comes to bed sheets.
3. The male ego is super, super fragile despite our best attempts to portray it otherwise.
4. Artsy, intelligent, and/or nerdy women absolutely get to me.
5. A good woman will gently steer us clear of our idiotic ideas.
6. I'm a sucker for a woman's eyes and her smile.
7. I'm a cuddler. (I know I'll catch shit for this one)
8. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. (Stolen again ... Sorry Brooke)
9. A woman in a t-shirt and panties is the ultimate aphrodisiac. (See pic above)
10. Little thoughtful things mean so much more than grand gestures.
11. Having a way with words is a gift (Robert Smith [yes, that Robert Smith of The Cure] and Neruda are two of the masters)
12. While I am capable of being a real dick at times, I can also be the best b/f ever.
13. Chick flicks aren't always as gut wrenchingly horrible as I make them out to be.
14. It's okay for a man to have a comforter with a duvet cover.
15. I absolutely crave when a woman looks at me like I hung the moon.
16. I actually like cooking, but I'm a horrible baker.
17. Avoid any girl with a license plate or key chain that reads "Princess".
18. Being vulnerable will not kill me.
19. It's okay to do away with my pride for something or someone that is truly important to me.
20. Don't fight to win with someone you care about.
21. Someone may actually love me for me, even if I'm not in the best shape or the wealthiest.
22. Nothing is better than sex in the morning, or in the shower, or on the couch, or in the car, or ..... well, nothing is better than sex with someone you care about.
23. I need to let her take care of me from time to time.
24. Let her talk about her day because over time she'll tell me everything I need to know about making her happy.
25. I need to take off my "lawyer cap" and be an advocate for her.
26. Pick your fights because not everything is worth fighting over.
27. Let her decorate the home because inevitably I'll screw it up.
28. Any woman who is talking about how cute or hot someone else is while we are out is not the woman for me.
29. As much as some guys think they want to know everything about a woman's past, I know I do not want to know everything.
30. That certain way a woman in love looks at me will reach straight to my heart.

As a final note, I'd love hear what all of my friends out there in Blogland have learned from the opposite sex.

Meet My Future Son ...

2006-12-19T23:48:00.000-05:00

I swear on all that is holy, if I have kids that this is what my son and daughter will be like!! Mark my words, they will be Sun Devils and they will be this fucking cool!!!!

Lil' Sparky

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All I Want For Christmas Is Boobs .......

2006-12-19T17:01:00.000-05:00

As I've gotten older, I've found the need for gifts under the Christmas tree lessening. It seems the things that I'd truly want for a really Merry Christmas are things that can't be wrapped up. I've been a decent kid this year, so here is a partial list of what I'd want ......

1. Whitney / Bobby Christmas special: We'd need this complete with Bobby choking Whitney and then the two of them making out like a couple of horny teens at prom. They'd have to sing some absolutely ghetto-fabulous songs like "I'm Dreaming Of A Blow Christmas, Bitch" and the classic "I'll Be At My Recently Foreclosed Home For Christmas". This will truly put me in the holiday spirit.

2. Get laid: I haven't seen a breast in person since the end of June. To paraphrase Louis CK, it's gotten so bad that you know when you masturbate, you remember a sexual experience to rub one out to; well, it's been so long since I've gotten laid that I have to remember the last time I rubbed one out.

3. American Idol gets canceled: About the only way it would get better is if a strain of virus that infects fans of the show or contestants is somehow mutated to become transmittable through TV signals.

4. The smell of urine is eradicated from downtown: The bane of my morning walk from the ghetto parking lot is the aroma of pissing homeless folks everytime the wind shifts. A great gift would be if some wondrous elixir was created that magically rid the air of that foul stench and deterred homeless from approaching me like a pack of hyenas whenever they see me.

5. Get rid of my fat ass: Find an immortal fat-shaving plane so that I can eliminate fat from those problems areas like ... you know, my entire body. Actually this could be packaged and stuffed underneath my tree along with a pair of real life boobs attached to Scarlett Johansson.

6. Banning "A Christmas Story": I wish Homeland Security (doesn't that name just smack of Naziism??) would once and for all declare that "A Christmas Story" is subversive and outlaw its broadcast for a term of no less than 100 years.

7. Sterilize the Wal-Mart crowd: Pfizer could develop a new sterility drug that can be administered through the skin. The drug would be sprayed onto all t-shirts reading "Git 'R Done" ensuring the timely demise of NASCAR, Toby Keith, and Natural Light beer.

8. An End To Trashiness: Congress could insert a provision into the "No Child Left Behind" that mandates the lessons of Hot Ghetto Mess be incorporated into every Civics class as a yardstick of what not to do as part of a civilized society.

9. Faces: I'd like to get a pic of all of you so that I know who you are. It's crazy but you feel closer to a Blogger if you know what he/she looks like.

See, I'm not selfish at all with my Christmas wishes. I think all of these would serve a greater purpose for society.

"Tis The Season For Shitty Movies

2006-12-18T21:56:00.000-05:00

Well folks .. it's been a while. But let me just say that things are back on track. As embarrassing as this is, when I first moved down this way, I let ML use my computer. I figured that I was living with family and that since she was in school, she'd make better use of it. Since we're no longer on speaking terms, I figured the thing was shot and it didn't make any sense to get it back (besides, it was a Compaq ... that's all that needs to be said with that). But I just scored a new laptop so now I plan on getting back on track ......

Now for the rants!!

What the fuck is going on these days with shitty movie after shitty movie being released? It's as if Hollywood figures that everyone will be sick of hearing "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by that crazy chick from "Glitter", so they'll put out all of the shitty movies they've shelved for the past few months.

Like this piece of shit in the pic. It's amazing that this was even made; it went directly to DVD. This movie will rank right up there with any Lorenzo Lamas production.

Who in the name of all that is holy is going to rent this or better yet, buy this? It's the same guy who actually paid to see The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift on opening night.

The first two of the American Pie movies were decent ... but now it's just fucking stupid. One of the clips that I've bombarded with this week has this line that is sure to elicit thunderous laughter has Eugene Levy saying in his most incredulous tone "You're a Stifler and a virgin?" I threw up a little in my mouth as I was typing this ..... But seriously, we all know that extremely hot sorority girls couldn't wait to get naked in front of pale, skinny guys with all the sex appeal of Crispin Glover so they could streak across campus.

As if this wasn't bad enough .... we also get "Rocky Balboa". Who in the fuck thought this was a good idea? Who was stupid enough to say "You know ... audiences at Christmas just might pony up $10 to see a 60 year old man get his ass kicked in a movie. Let me pony up millions of dollars on this one."And it only gets worse from here on out. No doubt Vin Diesel or Jennifer Lopez will have a movie out in the next few months .......

I've got a great idea for a movie: why don't we watch a guy eat six apples and shit out a fruit salad. Oh wait .... apparently that show idea was taken already and packaged as "American Idol".

If you still don't think Notre Dame is God's school ...

2006-11-13T16:22:00.000-05:00

.... then look at who showed up to cheer the Irish on.

People With Money Can Be Trashy Too

2006-11-06T15:05:00.000-05:00

A long time ago, in a city far, far away, my mom said one of those things that shapes your lives for years to come. She said "Just because you don't have money doesn't mean you have to act trashy." I've always carried that thought with me as I've gone through life and it has shaped alot of my opinions of people.

And we all know we constantly run into people with no money acting trashy. For instance, I went to the Atlanta Zoo a few weeks ago because they had free admission for any who lived or worked in the city. So I head over early and it was great until all of the trash of Atlanta hit the place. There they are: kids knocking on the glass cases of snakes all the while their unattentive parents are oblivious to the "Do Not Knock On The Glass" stenciling instead focusing on what their "drivers" are doing at some unknown race in some hillbilly city; adults with Blue Tooths going into normally quiet observation areas talking so fucking loud about who got drunk last night or who got into a fight at the club; parents raising hell at the concession stand because the soda they bought had too much ice. Basically it was people who acted like they've never been anyplace .... loud, drawing attention to themselves and acting trashy.

Now, you might think this scourge of the Earth is limited to those driving cars with rims (you gotta see the pic to appreciate this one) that are worth three times what the vehicle is. Perhaps this behavior only runs among those who own entire outfits done up in woodlands camoflauge? Oh hell no!!! Kanye West just showed the world that he is one of those people when he jumped on the stage at the European MTV Awards .... trashiness embodied.

What a fucking idiot. How do you get upset with MTV, whose only job is to make rich cunts seem like role models to the next lost generation of Paris Hilton wannabes? Does MTV really have that much credibility that a "snub" warrants jumping on stage to yell about not getting an award for Best Video? It's a fucking video!!! If you're gonna get upset about something, get upset about not winning Best Song of the Year or Best Album or Song That Contributes To A Better World. Don't get ticked off because you released an expensive cheesy video for a song which should be the B-side of a single !!!

But poor Kanye ... the world stopped revolving around him for a few hours while others garnered accolades for their hard work. Instead of being gracious about the whole thing like a real rapper would (see Common, Talib Kweli, or Mos Def for some real rappers), he decides to jump onstage and bitch because he spent a million dollars on a fucking video that didn't win. We all know you don't brag about how much you spent on something ... that's just plain trashy.

Sure Kanye, we all loved the "George Bush doesn't care about black people" statement that left Mike Myers standing there like a deer in the headlights. But the whole thing about your being a character in the Bible if it were written today was bad enough. With this, all Kanye has done is show us just really how idiotic he is ... oh yeah, trashy too!!

I Ruined My Parents!!!

2006-10-30T17:12:00.000-05:00

Once you get older, you may come to a strange realization that I recently had. See, I was given 6 months of free HBO due to the fact that Comcast is a joke of a cable service since they can't connect cable during the 6 hour range that they promise. So on HBO this month is Walk The Line.

All of sudden I realized how really kick-ass Johnny Cash is. I really had no idea that he rocked that much!! I remember all too well how much my folks liked him. Strangely, this is not the first time that this has happened.

You see, this happened with the movie Ray. My parents dug this guy too. And this other crazy old guy named Willie Nelson .... and this other cat named Waylon Jennings ..... and Sam & Dave ... and John Lee Hooker.

Sinbad mentioned this phenomenon: Your parents used to be cool 'til they had you. The sad thing is that it's true!! Hell, my folks had an SUV long before legions of useless soccer moms lined up at the Ford dealership so they had buy more useless shit at Sharper Image at the expense of plunging our nation into war. Don't worry; my folks actually made use of the SUV: we would go on family camping trips; the dirt roads leading to one of the family's ranches are not paved and rough as hell.

This old '76 Chevy Blazer had an 8-track that my folks would torture us with playing all of the aforementioned ad nauseam. Now, of course, everyone digs Cash and Willie and Ray and Sam & Dave. I can't help but remember how much I hated that music growing up. When I bought my first walkman, I listened to that thing for hours on car trips ... anything to avoid those 8-tracks. Now, if I hear Sam & Dave's "Soothe Me", I stop everything and become instantly mesmerized.

But just think: someday you'll have kids and you'll be as uncool as your parents are now. I guess that is the curse of having children. Someday you'll be watering your lawn wearing sandals and black dress socks ... heh-heh.

I'm A Lazy Ass Who Takes Forever To Finish Meme's

2006-10-24T14:55:00.000-05:00

Jen tagged me with this one and I've been a lazy lout and never finished it. I'm as slow as George Bush is smart. So here are my answers .... Book Meme

1. One book that changed your life: The Cathcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I know, I know .... it's so cliche. But I challenge you to find a book that sums up a cynical teen's view of the world much better. I remember reading this and it was as if I had an epiphany.

2. One book that you've read more than once: To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Such an obvious choice, isn't it? For some crazy reason, I keep coming back to this book in my life. In law school during my ethics class, our prof asked us to name an attorney, real or fictional, that we admired and why. I chose Atticus Finch for how he treated the Cunningham family (remember the family that couldn't pay him money, so they would leave chopped wood, roasted chestnuts, and food on the back porch?). I always found it so powerful that despite a client's inability to pay, he let the man keep his dignity by paying back in any way he could.

3. One book you'd want on a desert island: A complete collection of Pablo Neruda's poetry so I could sit and really absorb it.

4. One book that made you laugh: Lies by Al Franken. Amazing that a book chocked full of facts and figures can still make you laugh. But then again, he was a skit writer for SNL.

5. One book that made you cry: La Maravilla by Alfredo Vea. I had to read this while at Arizona State in my Chicano Lit class. Part of the story is about an old couple that reminded me of my grandparents. Naturally, one of them dies and you are reduced to tears everytime this cantankerous old lady recalls her husband.

6. One book you wish had been written: Love In The Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I really consider this one of the most perfect books ever written. But if you know me personally, you'll know I should have written Everyone Poops.

7. One book you wish had never been written: Anything by that raving cunt Anne Coulter. It's one thing to completely come up with bullshit that you claim is based on facts (just like that cocksucker Bill O'Reilly), but at least try to prove it with some actual facts. Al Franken has called her out on this so many times, it's like calling false start on a retarded kid during a flag football game!!

8. One book you're currently reading: Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich. I know I'm behind the power curve on this one, but I am finally getting to it.

9. One book you've been meaning to read: I've started Don Quixote at least 2 or 3 times and have never finished it. It's a bit intimidating seeing how thick the book is and you can read for a few hours and only read a fraction of it!!!

10. Six people to tag: Let's see, we definitely need Lindsay, Chelle, Joel, JHD, Sonrisa, and Andi. These kids are great with the books. And if any of you other kids want to do this meme ... please by all means.

Fade Away Or Become A Haven For Ashlee Simpson?

2006-10-16T16:27:00.000-05:00

Actually this post idea came from Chelle (a.k.a. Mariemm), but I wanted to expound on it a bit longer.

CBGB's shut its doors this weekend closing out what was basically the Holy Land for punks.

So is it better to fade away hanging onto the vestiges of what you once were or morph into some trendy temporary thing devoid of any true soul?

I'm glad CBGB's took the fading away route. The landlord decided not to renew their lease, so it really wasn't a choice. BUT it's the principle I'm referring to here.

See, the club had enough street cred that it could've lent some of that to some really ass-clown performers looking to get some credibility. I'm sure someone like Ashlee Simpson would've loved to perform there so that she might be able to wear the shirt in the pic without Sid Vicious rolling over in his grave or having Joe Escalante use a 3-syllable word that would send her bird brain into complete convulsions. I'm quite certain some dude from some fucking teen-angst drama like The O.C. with his faux-hawk would try to put on a show trying to show just how "punk" he really is.

Instead of going that dead end route, they chose to put real punk bands out there. While I'm nowhere near being a real punk, I do love punk music and what it represents. Sure I love Blink 182, Alkaline Trio, and Green Day; but I also love The Ramones, Generation X, and of course, the Sex Pistols.

See the difference between these bands and the likes of some piece of shit from Malibu is that being a true punk is about more than wearing a fucking sparkly t-shirt that says "punk". It's more than a faux-hawk. It's more than a nose-piercing. It's about completely spitting on the establishment, not just a fashion trend. So if you ever see some kid wearing a shirt with the word "punk" scrawled across the front shopping in a Macy's at a suburban mall, you have my permission to rip the shirt off, march the kid to Sam Goody, and have him listen to "Never Mind The Bollocks".

Another Shitty Season

2006-10-01T13:12:00.000-05:00

(Sigh) ... Once again, I have waited all year long for college football to start only to be disappointed by my alma mater's team.

Yes, once again my beloved Sun Devils have broken my heart. The ineptitude that embodies the head coach only adds to my heartbreak.

It's pathetic really to wait so long with anticipation only to have your season over a few weeks into the season.

But this has been the situation all too often with the ass-clown known as Dirk Koetter. This guy gets nearly $900K a year to produce sub-par football teams with all of the resources known to the college football world. Even Jake the Snake, complete with his new porn-stache, threw some dinero at the program to improve it's weight room.

So there it is .... I'm a 36 year old man who pathetically spends the entire year looking forward to college football season only to have his hopes dashed yet again. I truly am the defintion of schizophrenic: I keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result.

What the school doesn't realize is that, as pathetic as it might sound, college sports rankings do have an effect on how well the school is ranked in US News. While I was in law school at Cincinnati, we slipped a few spots in the rankings. Apparently had our basketball team finished better in the NCAA tourney, we would have received more applications from more students which leads to a school being more selective. If you're a school that only has 100 applicants for 90 seats, you're not that selective. If you have 150 seats and you receive 2200 applications, you're very selective. The more applications you receive, the more academically inclined your student body will be.

Look at this pic of the stadium at half-time vs. Oregon last week. WTF??? It's 3/4 empty!!! Mind you, this isn't a pre-game ceremony or a post-game cermony. This is fucking half-time!!! This is not going to help rankings of any kind!!!

So my only hope is that the idiot will be fired at the end of the season. I've been calling for this since the talentless ass-nugget was hired 6 years ago, so I can say I've hated this guy from the start. So I'm hoping for this and I'm quite sure that once again, ASU will let me down by letting this moron coach another season.

This Is One For Deeesguy

2006-09-15T18:06:00.000-05:00

Ever since the lovely NML decided to post her pic on the web, I've been torn. Not having my pic up leaves that sense of mystery. Anonymity also gives one the chance to rant and rave about work and friends.

However, things have been decent lately and I enjoy my job. I'm making friends here and there and I'm moving into my own place in ATL. And I did promise to show my ugly mug sooner or later. So be kind and try to keep the bile from rising in the back of your throats when you view the monstrosity that is my face. Without further delay, I give you the elephant man .... errr, Cincysundevil .... well, me that is.

While I do love the Irish, my maroon ASU cap is what I'm normally wearing. So I have to post one of both up here.

Carl from ATHF a.k.a. Cincysundevil

2006-09-09T13:05:00.000-05:00

I've determined that I will probably be alone the rest of my life and die one of those horrible deaths you read about on the back page of your local paper or in News of the Weird where I kick the bucket and my pet ferrett has to eat my carcass to survive until someone at work notices that the tubby Latin guy hasn't been in for about a week.

Why yes, I do have a penchant for the dramatic.

See this handsome fella to the left here. Yeah ... him. See, that is what my future revealed looks like. This all came to me this past week when I was driving in to work. It had rained like hell the night before and the roads were a little damp. I'm hauling ass like in the left lane LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD WHO DRIVES IN THE LEFT LANE ... ahem. Anyways, I'm driving in when the jack-fuck in front of me decides he needs to slow down ... very quickly. I hit my brakes and my car starts to hydroplane. In an instant, my life flashed in front of my eyes. Know what I saw? A gray patch ... literally a gray plane with nothing significant happening. It was this big void of nothingness and just sheer panic.

I didn't hit the car and I have to admit that I was crushed that my life didn't flash before my eyes with a host of milestones. As I started driving again and pulling my boxers out from the inside of my ass (thus giving a nearly literal translation to the term skid mark), I realized that currently the things I look forward to are quite pathetic.

Is the fact that the cafeteria at work is serving tacos on Thursday really something to look forward to? Should I really be crossing my legs in anticipation and bouncing like a little school kid waiting for the new Jackass movie to be released? Just how much excitement should building your Friday evening around a trip to Barnes & Noble really garner? It was as if Dean Wormer were speaking to my life when he said "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son".

So I've decided to embrace my inevitable fate as a single curmudgeon by looking forward to those things that will make me so. For instance, I have decided that I will now give myself permission to wear black dress socks with sandals since there will be no wife yelling at me to not do so. I will buy the top-of-the-line garden hose to spray on small children and dogs daring to cross my lawn. I will refuse to update my wardrobe more than once every 5 years since I will have no one to impress. I get to let my ear hair grow wildly a la Yoda. I resolve to keep all stray baseballs, frisbees, and footballs that accidentally get tossed into my back yard.

Yes my friends ... while I may end up like my friend Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force with my Coors Light cut-out of Pam Anderson being the only thing resembling the female form to grace my bed, I will have a damn good time becoming the curmudgeon I am inevitably fated to be.

Now you damn kids get off of my blog!!!!

Adios Mate

2006-09-04T10:43:00.000-05:00

I know you're going to think I'm full of shit for this post. But I'm dead serious. I'm really bummed about this. The Crocodile Hunter is dead. Steve Irwin was killed doing what he loved best in this world and that is certainly the way to go. Truly, not many of us in this world can ever say that we are doing what we truly love and better yet, died while doing it.

I'll admit, the Crocodile Hunter was always a guilty pleasure of mine. I always was amazed watching this cat grabbing a rattlesnake by the tail and expounding on the virtues of how gorgeous this animal is whilst dodging certain death from a bite. I loved watching this guy jump over a fence as a croc chased him. I loved watching this guy travel to remote corners of the globe grabbing every sort of animal with the same glee that I had as a small boy picking up lizard or horned toads (or as we called them, horny toads). It was exciting to see someone who had found his calling and was truly enthused about it. Enthusiasm is infectious, as is a negative attitude. Mr. Irwin had enough enthusiasm for us all.

I'm a huge softie (which I'm sure some of you have figured out by now) and I really have a soft spot for animals (excepts for a rat which invaded the Marmot house I shared with Deeesguy down in the 'Nati). Irwin went to zoos and helped gather money to rehouse some animals in need of larger facilities. Hell, we can't even get Americans to shell out money for a homeless shelter much less for animals. Yet this guy would hit 3rd world nations to help care for animals and solicit money for their upkeep.

What Steve will truly be remembered for is the effect he'll have on the environment for decades to come. Kids of all sorts watched his show and he always made his commentary on the need to save our environment. I know this will have a positive influence on so many of those kids (except for those whose parents might actually believe the "intelligent design" is different from creationism and that global warming hasn't been proved yet). I'm only hoping that these kids who tuned in to watch him dodge crocs will not give in to corporate interests (enrich the shareholders or save the planet? Easy call if you ask me ... fuck the shareholders!) and do what it takes to save our planet where my generation has so miserably failed.

It's Official ... I'm Out of Compassion

2006-08-23T13:09:00.000-05:00

Yes true believers, it's finally happened. The bed wetting liberal has finally reached his limit of compassion. It's a sad state of affairs and to an extent I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. But I think I have just hit that brick wall that sociologists has termed compassion fatigue.

It really hit me yesterday morning. I spent the weekend with another damn cold and I had to take Monday off so that I fulfill my lifelong dream of filling Kleenex with snot. So Tuesday I'm on my way to work and as per the standard in the South, it's as hot and sticky as Paris Hilton's thong after a night out. I was in the last throes of a nasty cold which always seems to hit me when the weather is at its worst and the air in the ATL is as thick as pea soup. Breathing is pretty much a chore on these days. And to top it off, I have to walk about 7 blocks from the parking lot to work which leaves me sweating like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

On my way in, a homeless guy starts to bug me for change. I'm already feeling like shit and the hour and a half ride to get downtown is already just too much. So I tell him I'm sorry that I don't have any and start to walk away. Then he asks me if I'm sure that I don't have any change. Once again, I reiterate that I don't have any. Herein lies the rub.

The problem is that this isn't a once a month or even once a week occurrence. Nope. This is getting to be a twice daily assualt as I walk from to and from work. I consider myself compassionate, but if I gave change everytime I was asked, I'd seriously be broke.

I hate to think I'm not compassionate which would make me feel guilty as all get up. Hell, I'm Catholic; I've got nothing but guilt. Everytime I throw away a bite of food I remember all too well the Catholic school nuns telling us that whenever we "wasted" food, the angels in heaven cried. So now everytime I don't polish off that last bite of an ill-gotten Big Mac, the choir of angels are bawling and I'm to blame.

BUT how much is enough already? I know I'm only human but I've actually gotten to the point to where if I have money in my wallet that I really need but don't give to that guy sitting on the front steps of the church smelling like 3 days of urine that has dried in the sun, I actually feel bad. AM I crazy or just Catholic?

P.S. The pic is one I've taken with my new digital camera. Actually, this lady is always nice and never bugs anyone. She always says hi and wishes you well when you walk by.

How The Anti-Christ Stole My Morning Walk

2006-08-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

Note: As per usual, Blogger is having problems loading pics or just having problems so the pic I had for this is not uploading .... just go here for a pic of what I was going to load up.

This morning I got to work way early. For whatever reason, there must be some sort of virus that infected all of the useless housewives whose only purpose in life is to breed spoiled rotten crumb snatchers and to clog the main traffic arteries in this city. There was absolutely no traffic today. Normally, I spend at least an hour and fifteen minutes in traffic. Today? I was in the parking lot in 45 minutes. It was incredible; it was as if all the braindead fucks stayed home to watch more Jonbenet Ramsey news coverage.

Since I had a good 1/2 hour before I had to clock in, I decided to walk over to Obesity Central (that being McDonalds) and get a drink. In downtown ATL, this will mean a McD's where a homeless guy who smells like cat urine is screaming obsenities at a streetlamp. Undetered, I turned on my Gigabeat, set it to shuffle, and proceeded on my merry way.

On my way there, I passed one of the federal buildings. As I approach the building, Guster's "Manifest Destiny" is working its magic and setting my mind alight. The closer I get, I hear these lyrics:

You and I could quit this scene
Build a town and then secede
Like an Adam and an Eve
'Cause to the dreamers go the dreams
But the leaders have the lead
It's a frightening, frightening thing

Born to the land of opportunity
Of manifest destiny
Do you want to change your mind?
You can always change your mind

Outside the building, there is a line of people wearing their best outfits. I thought this strange until I realized that this was where immigration hearings were held. However, this was also the place where immigrants had their citizenship ceremony. It was one of those perfect moments. It's where the music is so perfect and so right for the moment. Throngs of people ready to swear allegiance to this great nation are outside, passing through a doorway only to emerge later through that same doorway as an American citizen. My heart was swelling with pride and affection for my country because here it was opening its door for the poor, the tired, and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. This was a perfect moment that I wanted to capture, so I go into my backpack to pull out my digital camera (yes ... I finally got one and yes, I will post of a pic of my ugly mug once I can get a pic in which I don't look like the Michelin Man). And then George W. Bush's "safer world" ruined my perfect moment .........

One of the rent-a-cop security guards starts talking but I've got my headphones on. She starts motioning and yelling for me to stop taking a picture outside. There is not one sign in the area that states "No Photographs" and I'm on a public street on the sidewalk. This $6.50 an hour rent-a-sitting-on-her-ass-doing-nothing who has spent more time working on her corn-chip nails in one sitting than she has ever spent reading the manual that the "Rent-A-Cops On A Budget" has provided her. I yell back:

"You're a fucking rent-a-cop. You have no idea about the Constitution or my civil rights as an American."

And with that, I turned around and walked away.

I start asking myself how did we come to this? How did we get to the point that taking pictures could be seen as a security risk? And I remembered a speech that the Anti-Christ gave a while back declaring that we are in a safer world because of the "War on Terror". What a bunch of bullshit!!

Oh really? Safer? I guess next time I go to Egypt, I won't have to worry about some fucking radical offshoot of Islam bombing a hotel or disco because the world is safer. I guess next time I go to the Phillippines I won't have to worry about being kidnapped by terrorists in the jungle because the world is safer. I guess next time I ride a train in Spain I won't have to worry about explosives being set off because the world is safer. I guess next time I take a double decker in London I won't have to worry about having my asshole blown off and onto the side of a financial district building because the Anti-Christ and his minions have made the world safer for us all. Gee, thanks FOX news for proliferating the message that the world is safe because your keeper in the sullied White House has now declared it so.

Random Thoughts From The Devil

2006-08-09T20:44:00.000-05:00

If I had breasts as nice as ScarJo, I swear I'd never leave the house.

Salma Hayek is hot as is Kate Winslet. What makes them both super hot is that they wouldn't put up with male macho bullshit (of which at times I can have just a touch of .....)

Atlanta is way too humid for human habitability. As stupid as it sounds, Phoenix actually was way more tolerable.

In Georgia, you can actually get an Auburn University license plate .... which is strange considering that Auburn is in fucking Alabama!!! I'm waiting for Ohio to put out University of Michigan plates.

Everytime I think I've heard of a great new band, Deeesguy already has the CD or is past them and on to something new.

Does anyone besides porn bots still use chat rooms?

MTV has officially become the wealthy, spoiled, high-school aged fuckstick channel (as if I'm revealing anything new)

Rae Carruth's head has a weird ass shape.

I actually respect Chappelle for walking away. I've read that one of his skits actually pushed him over the edge and that he felt he was only perpetuating a stereotype, not lampooning it in an intelligent way.

Dharma & Greg is still the most painfully unfunny sitcom in history.

I fucking hate the New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys, the Philadelphia Flyers, Brigham Young University, and the Los Angeles Lakers. I might even throw in Ohio State just to get Deeesguy's goat. I hate goats too ...

I'm A Child Of The 80's Who Pays Attention To The Lyrics In Songs

2006-08-08T16:35:00.000-05:00

Now, I'm like many of you and I'm a child of the late 70's and 80's. The picture to the left should be an indication of that (how many of you really remember this shirt?). I always liked knowing the words to songs so that singing along (and yes, I sing poorly) was more fun. I've spent a road trip in college trying to learn all the words to REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It" while driving to the location of my liver's beatdown. As I've gotten older, I'm especially intrigued by lyrical workmanship. I have always maintained that Robert Smith of the Cure is not a songwriter, rather, he is a poet. Therefore, trite and thin songwriting is a pet peeve of mine.

Monday night, I’m working out at Gold's gym and I'm watching the chachs go to town lifting obscene amounts of weight. They're flexing and strutting trying to woo the 22 year old ladies each of whom probably refers to herself as "a young professional" when in reality all she does is answer the phones at a dentist's office. In the midst of this testosterone and fake 'n' bake induced mating ritual, Gold's has this "video music" system going on in the background. I put the phrase in quotes to signal my obvious dismay as to what they're calling music. It's a mix of bad pop music a la Ashley Simpson and terrible Euro-trash so called techno. It reeks of cheesiness and poor taste. What amazed me even more was watching the chachs really start getting worked up to some of the music.

Now I know most of us listen to music for the rhythm and not for the lyrics. I'll grant you that. But if you start lip-syncing the lyrics, then you've crossed the line and now you're squarely in my realm. Here are these chachs listening to a band that should be playing Six Flags and they were getting into it. It was as if it inspired them; like the insipid and trite lyrics were speaking to them. Let me give you a sample of the pseudo mook rock I'm referring to:

When The world keeps trying to drag me down,

Gotta raise my hands, gonna stand my ground.

I say, hey, Have A Nice Day-ay-ay.

Have A Nice Day-ay-ay

Wow. Those lyrics are inspiring … sorta like the inspiration you get when you see someone puke in public when you can taste the bile rising in the back of your throat. They lyrics are so … well … so bland, so common, so everyday. But these mooks at the gym were getting pumped up by this. It was as if Bon Jovi (whose initials, B.J., are what you should get if you actually buy one of their CD's) wrote this piece of shit in preparation for their secondary career of playing county fairs alongside Nickelback and Loverboy. It was as if the mooks were saying to each other "Yeah, that's right. If I'm having a shitty day, I'll just tell the world to have a nice day. Fuckin' a right!"

Now compare the lyrical larceny that is Bon Jovi with Mike Doughty's "Madeleine and Nine":

Slave to the inside light

My world is burning on eternally

For the fire I lack

This flame is feeling fine
Give my eyes just for your intentions

Risk my back to impress you now

I am so joyful that I have found you

Alls I need is to see you now

It's like watching the Gore - Bush debates where the Anti-Christ had that look on his face like a homecoming queen caught dropping ass at prom. The words are crafted so much more artfully and flow so much easier with great indie songwriters. It doesn't just extend to indie rock vs. mook/chach/county fair/mainstream rock. Nope, this phenomenom extends even to rap. Check out the monotone 50 Cent's "Wanksta":

Shorty she's so fine, I gotta make her mine
ass like that gotta be one of a kind
I crush 'em everytime

punch 'em with every line
I'm fucking with they mind

I make them press rewind

Hhhhmmm ..... quite sad and dull and trite if you ask me. It's as if he didn't even really try to spend more than an hour writing this song. I can see 50 writing these lyrics on a napkin in front of McD's while Eminem is ordering an Egg McMuffin. Now, let's get to a truly great rap artist, Common, with his tune "The Light":

It's important, we communicate

and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch

I never call you my bitch or even my boo

There's so much in a name and so much more in you

Few understand the union of woman and man

And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land

But that's fly by night for you and the sky I write

For in these cold Chi night's moon, you my light

Damn, how can poor 50 even begin to compete with that. It's like magnificent vs. monosyllabic. So next time you make a music choice, please don't go with what you'll hear on one of those fucking Clear Channel stations or anything with "power" in the nickname of the station. Hunt and peck a bit and try some lesser known artists and you'll be alot happier.

Truth in 6 cartoon panels

2006-08-04T07:35:00.000-05:00

This cartoon perfectly sums up every supporter of the Anti-Christ or Conservative I know ....

The Republicans Eat Their Own Young!!!!!

2006-08-01T09:25:00.000-05:00

The clown whore who delivered this nation into the hands of the most vile Anti-Christ was today officially kicked in the teeth by the Nazi Party, a.k.a. the GOP or the Republicans. The party of Pure Evil sent Katherine Harris a letter simply stating that she had about as much of a chance of winning the Congressional race in Florida as Toby Keith has of nailing Natalie Maines before a Dixie Chicks concert. With such long odds, they decided to withdraw their support from her campain.

We all remember Harris as that young upstart elections official who committed election fraud and all but reinstated Jim Crow laws in Florida to ensure the Dark Side would win the election. She was supposed to be the close minded answer to Hilary. Now, she's just that tramp with bad makeup.

Such is the way of politics but all this does is serve to remind me of the shit that the Bush crime family in the White House has perpetrated on this great nation. Clinton made like $36,000 from Whitewater; Cheney will reap untold millions, if not billions, from his stock from Haliburton. The right-wingers will tell you Cheney divested himself of any stock he had in Haliburton ... true, but he did not divest himself of stock options. Clinton got a knob-job in the Oval office and the fundamentalist "Christians" were calling for his head for being a "bad example" in the White House. The Anti-Christ blatantly manipulates intelligence to start a war where 1000's of young American GI's die and tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians will be murdered and not once have those jackoffs who bemoan the "sanctity of life" raised their voices in opposition to the war.

Gone are the reminders from the "liberal media" when W the Jackfuck and Dickhead Cheney professed that they knew where the WMOD were located. The "liberal media" hasn't so much as even sniffed at the Downing Street memo which spelled out that the Anti-Christ was going to manipulate intelligence to start the war. They've all but glossed over that. All that brain-dead conservatives hear from the FOX propaganda channel is that the public is not hearing enough about the good things the troops are doing. Now, as a former GI, I can tell you .... passing out stuffed animals and bags of candy to Iraqi kids may be a nice thing to do. But if an IED kills 40 people in a market in Baghdad, guess what the more important story is? No matter how good your intentions, you cannot force democracy at the end of a rifle. You don't win a war by winning the hearts and minds of the people. Apparently the Anti-Christ forgot that lesson since HE NEVER FUCKING WENT TO VIETNAM and has failed at everything he has ever done (look at the oil companies he started and the Texas Rangers before he sold the team ..... all of them complete and utter failures).

So Katherine Harris is getting her comeuppance and seeing what the Grand Old Party is really about ....... and it ain't good.